Hormones? Anxiety? Something Else?

Updated on April 17, 2017
J.D. asks from Lindenhurst, NY
7 answers

So, a few weeks ago, my sweet 8 1/2 year old daughter started complaining at bedtime of stomach aches....she would say she was having pains and felt nauseous etc. After a few nights of this and a lot of prodding and talking to her, she admitted her stomach isn't really hurting but that her heart is racing and it is making her belly hurt...she would start crying saying she doesn't like getting older, school is getting harder (she is a good student -above average reader and good at math so she isn't struggling), she doesn't want to wear glasses....you name it, she is worrying about it! Ugh! She was always a carefree kid who never had any school anxiety or anxiety in general so I don't understand where this is all coming from!? Do you think it is hormone related (she really isn't showing any major signs of puberty yet and it seems so early) or is it otherwise normal for a kid this age to have such anxiety?? I asked her why this is happening at bedtime and she said it is because at night she is thinking about everything. I feel so bad for her! Any suggestions other than just listening to get her through this? Is it time for a therapist?? I want to make it better for her....any suggestions or similar stories are welcome! Thanks ladies!

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G.♣.

answers from Springfield on

I couldn't begin to tell you if what your daughter is feeling is normal, but I can tell you that it is very normal for kids to feel anxiety, especially at night.

At night, when it's time to quiet our bodies and try to relax and go to sleep, it is often difficult to quiet our minds. Reading just before bed helps me, because then my mind is on whatever novel I am reading and not on my own unfinished business.

Have you talked to her about working on putting those thoughts aside? Have you reminded her that everyone has these thoughts, especially at night, and that it's normal for us to be somewhat afraid? The trick is to practice relaxing and taking slow, deep breaths and remind ourselves that a good night's sleep will help us deal with whatever we are concerned about.

Teach her how to deal with nighttime anxiety. She will soon begin to be able to catch herself when she has negative thoughts and remind herself to take deep breaths and relax.

4 moms found this helpful
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M.L.

answers from Cleveland on

I think number one talking to her teacher is best. It mught be a friend thing or a change in class expectations getting ready for future. Are they doing state testing this time of year?? Kids can get super anxious about that.

For a while in would also start bedtime routine earlier. No electronics even t.v. an hour before bed. A nice bath. Read or talk together. Make it relaxing and calm. YouTube has guided meditations for kids that are awesome.

You could give her a journal to document feeling. If she is scared she will fail a test. You can talk it out 7 degrees..if she fails a test then what (#1) she will fail that grade. Then what (#2) She will have to go to summer school. Then what(#3) she won't have fun. Etc etc 7x. Until she can see that nothing is earth shattering..it can all be dealt with.

I would lean towards its just a phase. But if lasts more than a month and the teacher sees it but doesn't have a reason..then a professional may help
Good luck mama

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R.B.

answers from San Francisco on

Talk to her teacher to see what she is noticing about your daughter's behavior, and ask her to make sure your daughter isn't being bullied at school.

Are you pushing her to excel in school a lot and discussing her grades a lot? If so, back down, praise your daughter for effort in things but don't focus on her grades. You may be inadvertently pushing her too hard at school, and 8 is too young to be stressed about school. I know our generation of parents have typically pushed our kids too hard, too early, and made learning stressful vs. enjoyable.

Focus on home being relaxing and fun, and not about school.

Other than that, I can't imagine what might be going on.

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D..

answers from Miami on

You have some good answers here. I had a son who was tense - it was his personality. What I had to do was understand that he was hard-wired this way. That didn't make it easier for me, but at least I wasn't clueless about it...

I want to recommend to you that you don't allow this to pull her away from responsibility. You won't be doing her any favors if you do. You don't need to talk her to death over it. Just gentle reminders that she will be fine, that she doesn't have to worry - you are there for her. If you try to focus too much on this, she will truly believe something is wrong with her.

This summer, give her a week off from studies (and tell her this up front) and then every day, she needs to do some sommer bridge activities. She needs to be keeping up with her acquired skills and learning some new ones so that the beginning of the next school year isn't so daunting. If you let her go all summer without working on schoolwork, her anxiety could be crushing come August. Instead, she should feel empowered by her knowledge from the summer. For example - has she learned her multiplication tables yet? What about the states and their capitals? (I'm not sure what grade she's in.) What about writing in cursive? Find out what she will be responsible for in the next grade level (ask a mom in that grade - she'll be happy to tell you) and that's where you start. There are CD's you can get that do music and multiplication tables - we did that in the car together everytime we were driving somewhere. You can be taking walks together and recite the multiplication tables. There was a funny book that I bought that taught the states and their capitals - I don't remember the name of it, but it made up silly sentences to help you learn and remember (pnemonic devices.) Both of my kids learned both of these skills over a summer, so they didn't have to stress on either one of these during the school year. Instead, they could work on conceptual stuff like word problems. If she will be learning cursive, Handwriting Without Tears is a terrific way to learn. You can google them and order the books online. Both my kids did that program and really appreciated it. Learning to write correctly takes a lot of stress off of little hands and is a good skill that a lot of schools don't have time to teach anymore.

I made all of this fun, without pressure. However, I made sure the kids understood that this was part of the summer schedule and I expected it of them. We did it first thing in the morning after breakfast, and then after that we went on to other things. I also included plenty of library time so that they could find lots of different books to read.

Schooling should be done all year, with reading the very minimum. That way she won't feel that she is behind in her studies and make her anxiety worse. Just make sure that YOU aren't feuling anxiety by unconsiously making her feel that she has to "grow up". Working on school work and learning new things isn't about "growing up". It's about being a kid...

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B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

Some anxiety is normal.
My son told us a story his teacher told him.
Going from 4th to 5th grade - in 5th grade it's the first grade where kids switch teachers by subject - all on the same floor - the classes (each group of 25 students) stay together from class to class - there were only 3 teachers/3 classes (it was a small elementary school).
Apparently - some kids were SO UPSET at this change from one year to the next that they had crying panic attacks and couldn't walk into the classroom on the first day.
It's not like a teacher is going to bite anyone's head off - and they KNOW it's an adjustment for some kids.
It's kind of irrelevant if it's hormone related.
Like "Oh, it's just hormones" - like that makes it ok.

When a kid is stressing about 'growing up' - I tend to think they've heard their parents say this and they are parroting it back.
Yeah, puberty might be around the corner.
In my day, some girls were excited at the thought of growing up.
Some make up (lip gloss in elementary school), earrings, a new hair style, etc - some couldn't wait for it!
Try going over some of the positive aspects - she'll have more privileges, and it's going to be fun.
Try moving up the bedtime routine to include some warm milk, a relaxing bath, some pleasant reading (a book - no screen time for 2 hrs before bed).
Earlier in the evening, make sure her clothes for the next day are laid out, her homework is all done, there's no stress left for the end of the day.
Her period might be coming soon - some cramping is to be expected - get her her own heating pad.
If this persists - talk to your pediatrician about it.

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D.B.

answers from Boston on

Sometimes high-performing kids have a lot more anxiety and stress because they are "expected" to do well and get good grades. That can be pressure from home, but it can also be pressure from teachers or even other kids. Some kids feel that their "worth" is tied up in their ability to get high scores or be the kid others come to for help, even at this young age! So quiet time at night, when they just can't shut things off, is really their time to worry. There's so much pressure for grades, so much standardized testing, so much "academics are all important for getting into college" messaging that gets into kids' heads so that 8 year olds and 10 year olds are stressed out!

I agree with starting with the teacher to see what's what, but just because things are fine there doesn't mean that she's not revved up at night.

You could talk to a therapist but you could also look into relaxation techniques, kid yoga, and other alternative therapies. Maybe find a professional who does both! There are plenty of schools implementing things like yoga instead of detention and demerits - it makes a big difference in a lot of kids. My son uses relaxation recordings at night - he has a stressful job and a heavy running schedule, and he's on a tight time frame a lot of the time.

There's a point at which no amount of talking from you is going to solve the problem. She may benefit tremendously from calming skills that she can learn from an objective source. In fact, if you keep discussing it with her, it can even worry her more, because she worries that you are worried about her! Don't let her think that she's "sick" and needs "professional help" in a negative way - treat it more like an instructor for karate/music or a coach for sports. The professional you use can help give you the language needed to broach the subject with your child.

There are also other reasons why kids are wired like that. Doesn't have to be puberty hormones - it can be other imbalances that can be corrected through various means.

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M.G.

answers from Portland on

One of mine around this age has anxiety. Another one of my kids did too starting around same age. Looking back, I can see that there were other signs that I hadn't picked up on at the time. But upset tummy - very common.

For my kids, they could tell me what they were worrying about - and knew they didn't have to - there was nothing wrong, bad or scary. But they didn't know how to stop worrying.

One of mine went to a little empowerment group they had at the school for kids with anxiety. Mine had the least (on the scale of anxiety, hers wasn't preventing her from doing the things she enjoyed) but it was still very helpful. Breathing techniques. How to go through "what's the worst that can happen, what's the best that could happen, what's likely going to happen".. and then coming up with a plan on how to deal with each situation.

It flares up from time to time but we just get through it. Someone explained it to me that the normal fight of flee response when we're scared is a little more sensitive in anxious people. That helped me realize that it's just part of who they are, and to work with it - find ways to deal with it/cope - rather than trying to change my kids. They have to find ways of dealing with it themselves - deep breathing works for my little one. I also find distraction a good one.

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