Holidays and In-laws

I know it stinks, I really do. Part of me though wants to point out, that at least they are coming to you. I have 4 kids and am expecting number 5 and I had to deal with some very angry people because I'm not dragging my kids out AGAIN this year, although all are welcome to come here. This will be the first year I've stayed home with the kids for Christmas.

I say let them come. My MIL is with us every year for aweek at the hollidays...that is normal for us. Those grandparents want to see the baby's excitement. And really, a week after the holiday is a long time to wait. Maybe next year you can compromise and see them later on Christmas day? Although I do agree she should have waited to be invited!

I hear that you need to have Christmas with just the 3 of you. It's more than you'd like to have this. I suggest that you talk with your husband and see if the two of you can come up with a compromise. Perhaps you could have them over on Monday or Tuesday for the night. Or perhaps they could stay at a motel and come over in the afternoon or drive over from home in the afternoon.

Because this is important to you I encourage you to diplomatically postpone their visit. Tell them how much you need this time alone with your daughter. Your husband has to be the one who tells them, however.

If he wants them to come, a compromise may be more difficult. I also understand how having is parents for Christmas could be as important to him as your not wanting them there is to you. You'll have to work this out with him, first, keeping in mind that he has needs too.

Christmas morning is all about our small family of four. I live to wake up, hng out in my PJ's wathc the kids open gifts and take it all in. No one is allowed over until the afternoon. I would tell them that you are sticking the your original plan, or they can stay the night in a hotel and come over late morning on Christmas.And explain it just the way you did to us. Grandma might be hurt, but if she is a good one, hopefully she will understand, if not, oh well!

first, in answer to the quesion "how can i approach them about this?" - YOU don't, your husband does... i wish my husband could talk to yours. my husband's parents are very domineering, particularly his mother, and he has ALWAYS just nodded his head and then told me the plan, even at VERY inconvenient times(who visits someone that's 7 months pregnant and having preterm labor at Christmas?????????). this eventually caused a HUGE blowup nearly 3 years ago, when i calmly explained to my husband that i was tired of him saying "no" to me so that he could say "yes" to everyone else, he never wanted to seem "rude or inhospitable" to friends/family, but he clearly had NO qualms about be rude to me or putting me out... i explained to him that i was not doing it anymore, he was going to have to learn to say no to people, or it just wasn't gonna work with us any longer. i know this is going WAY beyond the realm of what you're asking, but i am you 10 years into the future. you deal with your family(i have NO problem setting boundaries with my people), he deals with his family. this is going to build into lots of other issues for you if your husband doesn't respect you and your family unit, and the decisions you two make as parents. there are ways to help him learn what to say when his parents are rude and don't ASK to come visit, but rather invite themselves, and i had to help my husband out with that as well, i think he would get flustered and not really know what to say. i wish you luck and i see nothing wrong with you celebrating the holiday as you wish to celebrate it!

I'm with you... In my family, christamas day was always just us (mom, dad, sibs, home). Pure happy.

One thing I've learned living... and something really highlighted on this board... is how DIFFERENTLY people celebrate christmas. There is no "one right way". Or "should", or "must".

You need to talk with your husband.

Your daughter will be happy with whatever she comes to know and love... this is about the two of you... and what will make you both happy as a family.

Right now, one of you is miserable. It's time to see if it's possible for both of you to be happy.

Just my .02

Aww honey, I feel for you. Your husband should have said "we'll need to discuss it and get back to you" instead of saying Yes on the spot. In fact, it sounds like you need a new house rule in which BOTH of you do that with your parents....when they ask you to make a time commitment, esp. regarding any holidays, discuss it with each other privately first, before giving an answer.

It's only December 13th....it's not too late for your husband to call him mom back and say, "Mom, I know we told you you could come spend the night for Christmas, but we've thought about it some more and discussed it, and we've decided that we really need this Christmas morning this year just to ourselves and DD, considering everything we've been through the past 2 Christmases. I'm sorry. We'll be happy to have you over that afternoon.....etc."

HE needs to handle this, not you, and he needs to present it that you and he are a united front on this....not just say "this is what C. wants."
They should be understanding....especially since it sounds like you already made your wishes known on this.

If your husband won't do it, do it yourself. Have the conversation. You are the mom and you deserve to enjoy Christmas. Good luck!

I would tell her that you need time with your nuclear family on Xmas eve and that morning, and it's not fair to other gparents who will not be there on xmas morning. Although I would consider allowing your MIL to arrive later on xmas day.

You need your husband's back. He needs to deliver the news to his mother.

I understand this situation, as we have four kids and we like them to be home and wake up in their own beds Christmas morning. Of course all the grandparents would love to be here for all the fun, but we open our doors later in the morning. Thankfully, all the grandparents cooperate!

Good luck!

Say no to your MIL. It's rude of her to impose on your family. 2 hours is not that far to drive. My family drives that. We get together for holidays around 12 or 1, and all go back to our own homes later that same day. You should be allowed to experience the wonder of Christmas morning without your extended family. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for excluding them on Christmas morning. I think it's ridiculous to have extended family their first thing. It's a time for you and your family to make your own memories. Take lots of pictures and videos and share that way. This allows you to still spend time with them on the actual holiday, but you'll get your Christmas too.

If it's really that important to you have your husband tell her that you want Christmas morning all to yourselves but maybe leg them come Christmas afternoon if they must come at all. Stand up for yourself don't let your inlaws ruin your holiday do what you want. Some of the responses seem to imply that you are being selfish for want Christmas just the 3 of you but your inlays are being selfish in not respecting your wishes and doing what they want regardless of how you feel. I would tell them not to come I love spending Christmas morning with hubby and the boys!

Let them come visit since your husband probably wants them there if he didn't say anything. Just relax and let them visit and let your husband serve them. Enjoy your day and your family! That's my two cents. I wish you the best!

I feel for you. My inlaws visit every year for Christmas and stay for ten or more days. I have two kids and they are the only grandbabies/ niece & nephew on my husbands side, but I too have yet to experience Christmas with just " us" on Christmas morning... I wish I had advice for you as we tried to ask for Christmas to be just for this year as its been a rough emotional year for us but feelings were hurt and in the end I had to put aside what I wanted for them. But I feel your inlaws should be ok with postponing celebrating with you since u offered to go out the following weekend. We do have that option as we live 7 hrs apart and my husband has to work. I wish you the best of luck and pray you get the Christmas you are hoping for your LIL girl!!
Sorry this was so long!

Okay, well personally I'd let it go. I mean it's kind of rude they didn't ASK but it's your daughter's grandparents and they are excited too. You are going to be in your own home and playing by your rules, so my opinion is to let the grandparents come and see it all play out too!

If you really want to discourage them from coming then I would talk to your husband first and get him on your page and then I'd have him talk to his parents about it. It will be much better coming from him than you. Also, and I know this is rough, but remember that your daughter won't really remember it. Yes, she'll probably be excited and have tons of fun opening presents, but she is only 2 and although I know this is a really special Christmas for you b/c of the circumstances, your in laws have been waiting for this too.

I hope you figure it out! Good luck and Merry Christmas!

C. S.
You may not like what I'm going to say, keep in mind I really have your best interest at heart.

Don't. Xmas is a family Holiday, and you should be thankful there's people who want to spend it around you and your baby and hubby. I know you'd love to spend time with her but you get her for yourself everyday, and its up to you to make it special.

I suggest you make this holiday about love and sharing, share what's most important to you and God (I believe in God) will reimburse you many times. I hope you find this helpful.

Good Luck.
PS. I hope you enjoy your Holiday and kiss your baby a lot!! Its so much fun, right???

My first impression: Aggh. She said "I'm coming to your house and I'm spending the night" ??? She TOLD you, she didn't ASK you? That would totally piss me off. I might say something like "Perhaps I wasn't real clear when I spoke with you last. I want to have my own traditions and do our own thing this year . . . . .. .And we'll come to your house New Years."

Next thought is, eh if she did ask your husband, and husband eluded to it being okay, then perhaps I'd let it roll of my back. Inform them that if they come for Christmas, then you'll spend ALL DAY New Years with your family.

And really - your daughter's two? Make "three" be her year with just the three of y'all. At 3, she'll understand more the meaning of christmas and the surprise of it all and the ornaments and the presents and all of that. It'll be a great site to see her face light up when she opens gifts. At 2, her facial expressions won't quite be there. So maybe share "2" with the in-laws and save "3" for yourself.

Sorry for my wishy-washy answer. I guess we don't know all the factors involved and may not be the best advice givers on this one.

Ugh, I am so sorry!
I love my inlaws (well, my FIL is gone now) but I get what you are saying. I also believe Christmas morning is about waking up in your own house, with your husband and child/ren, staying in your pj's all day.
I'm sorry they just called and announced they are coming, it seems rude, but maybe they feel so comfortable they don't need to ask (?) which is not necessarily a bad thing.
First, talk to your husband, does he really want them there? If yes, then that's tricky, you may need to compromise. I mean, why do they need to sleep over Christmas Eve, couldn't they just come over (later in the day) on Christmas Day?
I know it's their only grandchild but it's your only CHILD and parents come before grandparents. They have already had their children after all, this is "icing" for them, which is lovely, but you and your husband need your space, your special time, your private moments, and I get that. Good luck!

I understand it's been tough with your daughter's health problems at the holidays. I'm really sorry you've had to go through that.
I understand your being protective of the thought of her first Christmas morning at home, but I would also venture a guess that your in-laws are so happy that she's not in the hospital this year.
Have they stood by you through everything? Have they supported you and been there for you during the dark and scary times?
Maybe this is a day, as grandparents, they feared they would never see.

When my grandson was born in May, they knew he had some respiratory problems right away. He actually was born with a lung infection and was very sick on IV antibiotics for the first 5 days of his life.
I've never been so afraid.
Not just for him, but for my daughter who did everything healthy and everything right. She was not emotionally prepared to have a sick baby. And, I felt so helpless.
Fortunately, the baby is doing very fine and he's healthy now.

I also want to say that I have very vivid memories of travelling to see my grandparents for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. Those were the days before seat belts and car seats and my parents would make my little sister and I a bed in the back seat of the car. If there was no reception on the radio, my dad would sing to us. We loved, "Over the River and Through the Woods to Grandmother's House We Go".
If we didn't travel there, my grandparents came and stayed with us. Either my mom or grandmother made my little sister and I matching nightgowns and Grandma would read stories and then pretend that she could hear sleigh bells and hurry to tuck us in or Santa would go right past our house.
We fell for it every time.

I was only in the second grade when my grandmother passed away. The last couple Christmases, she was too sick to travel, so we went to her.
We have pictures. Me and my little sister in our nightgowns at grandma's house.
I vividly remember her.

I know that every family does things their own way and it's important to feel like we have our own traditions that matter to us, but I also think that sometimes we forget that we aren't the only ones who love our children and vice versa.
Grandparents and in-laws are on borrowed time because we won't be around forever. Trust me, at least from my perspective, most of us are well aware of it.

There's no way around this other than for your husband to say, "Christie doesn't want you here. She wants a private Christmas".

I would let them come and while you have her there, talk very kindly and cadidly about your plans for the NEXT Christmas. That's what I would do.
My mother in law passed away suddenly right after my son was born and she never even got to see him. She never got to hold him. There are no pictures. There are only the baby blankets and things that she stayed so busy sewing for him in anticipation of welcoming him.
He's 16 years old and that's all he has of her.
To me, that's the definition of devastating.
I'd give anything for her to knock on my door and be a pain in my rump just for 5 minutes.
I loved her and I miss her. Especially at Christmas time.

I'm not trying to sound unsympathetic to your point of view, and I'm not trying to be sappy, but my life experiences have brought me to a completely different perspective.

I do want to say that I'm so happy you will have a Christmas free of hospitals. It's a blessed thing. My heart goes out to you.
I hope you can see all the miracles and blessings in your life for what they are.

Best wishes.

Insufferable..
Why on earth didn't your husband say no?

It is not fair now that one set will stay over night and not the other set. Unless he is willing to tell them no or you all can accommodate both sets, I guess you are stuck. Can they stay in a hotel? that way you will not have the stress of guests.

I honestly think your original plan was a good one. Less stress for everyone..

This is part of marriage and children.. It is as though they forget you are your own family too..

My husband and I live two hours away from each of our families, so I understand the need to travel during the holidays. Before we had kids, we used to go to my in-laws' house on Christmas Eve. On Christmas morning, we'd get up and go two houses down to my sister-in-law's house, so we could watch her two kids tear into their presents from Santa. It was okay, if a bit boring, until we started having our own children. When our first son was four months old, I remember thinking how unfair it would be for him, if we continued to travel on the holiday. Sure, he'd get presents from Santa on Christmas morning still, but how would he feel if he was made to go watch his cousins get to open their presents in their own home? We decided from then on, we'd make a tradition of opening presents at home on Christmas morning. It helps, too, that my husband is a physician, so he is occasionally on call during the holidays (like this year). That means we can't travel, anyway. Regardless, I love the fact that my husband and I have started making traditions with our own sons. I remember how much fun it was to get up and find presents under our tree when I was little, and I want the same for my boys. My oldest is five years old, and he's so into Christmas this year. It's going to be fun in a couple of weeks to watch him tear into his own presents. :)
Anyway, my point is that you should be able to make your own decisions on how you want to celebrate the holiday. Your in-laws sound like they're stepping over their boundaries by imposing themselves on Christmas. I like someone else's suggestion that they should get a hotel for the night, if they really want to come on Christmas Eve. However, there's no reason they can't travel to you later in the day on Christmas. Your husband is your partner and should respect your wishes, but ultimately, they're his family, and he needs to speak up for both of you. Good luck!

Tell them they are welcome to come and stay in a hotel and pop in after about noon, but you specifically want to spend Christmas Evening and Christmas morning with just your immediate family.

It's a compromise to still spend time with family, but to have the privacy and family tradition you desire.

Really, I love sob stories, my dad passed away too and I would love to have him here for Christmas... but you are only postponing visiting them for just a few days so you can have your special family holiday time together. People need to love their family, but they also need to make clear boundaries in order to make things flow better in the future. Your in-laws overstepped their boundaries when they invited themselves even though they knew your wishes. She didn't even ask, but 'informed' you. No, that behavior needs to be stopped now.

Actually, I am a "to each their own" type of woman. If you love having everyone over (and it sounds like you do not), then great. I am not that person. I insist that the day of Christmas be about the 4 of us...period. This blew up with my DH and I at Christmas 4 years ago. He invited his family to dinner for Christmas....I was almost 8 months pregnant and expected to cook and entertain. Needless to say, it got nasty. I get stressed out by entertaining and do not enjoy playing hostess anyway. You have to consider what is the most important to you for the holiday. For me, it was time to sit down, relax and play with my son...anything less that that I considered to be a failure. I didn't get that 4 years ago. I remember running around all day trying to keep the house presentable, cook, etc.... I was almost 8 months pregnant. I was exhausted, and I didn't get to play with my son like I hoped. I was miserable. I told my husband NO MORE of that and thankfully he has honored that request so far. I don't understand why people think it is so wrong to have a small Christmas at home and just get together with everyone else the next day...

i would say that you had planned to have it to yourselves as you do not have room to allow everyone to spend the night. Maybe ask them to come Christmas afternoon instead.

Let them come and enjoy the moment too. Family is about sharing. Never
crossed my mind to not let anyone stay over Christmas Eve. You are
very lucky to still have grandparents that are alive and can enjoy your little
one. Please do not deny them that joy.

You want a "normal" Christmas. What does normal mean to you? Most people are happy to have family around them for special holidays. Most people think its normal to include loving grand parents for birthdays and Christmas.
I grew up never meeting 2 of my grandparents. My grandfather on my dads side died years before I was born and the grandmother never came to visit us from across the US. I have pictures of me with my moms parents, but I barely remember meeting them. I remember other kids being so excited about their grama and grampa coming to visit for Christmas. I wish I had that memory. If you get along with them, and they treat you and your child right, I dont understand why you would want to cut them out of what fun part they could have in joining you for Christmas. Wouldnt it multipy your joy to share it with family who love you? I would think having loving family around would be "normal". Some day they will all be gone, and it will be too late.

Unless your husband is willing to back you up and say NO to his mother, you're probably going to have to make up the guest room and make the most of it.

Were they at the hospital last year when your girl was on the vent?

Blessings....

Christmas....& all other holidays/events should be about family. Not drawing lines, not catering to others nor ourselves. I totally "get" your need to fly solo, but on the other hand.....I totally "get" your ILs point of view, too. Please find a way to applaud their desire to be a Family!

I drop everything & fight as hard as I can to be "One Big Happy". To me, that's what Family is. Just this past wkend, we gathered with my ILs. I am very proud to say that every single adult "child" was there.....+ their spouses/SOs. We numbered 38....& rejoiced to be together. It was our 1st time for all of us to be together since my MIL passed away almost 3 years ago. Truly a "Glory Be" moment for us.

My Dad passed away 2 years ago. We still gather with his brother...my uncle...& his family. It's hard, but we are determined to stay together as a family. & what's interesting is that my Mom is now joining us....which is wonderful! We applaud our time together, we rejoice in creating new memories, & sometimes we cry over our losses.... But most important: we are together. The only one missing for this party this year will be our Navy Nephew....

Please don't try to stop your ILs. Make it special, make it a Christmas for all to remember! & grab the golden ring....called Family....& wear it as a well-earned & deserved prize! Embrace your daughter's future childhood memories as a Happy Family, rejoicing in generational pride. That's how we teach our children to embrace their heritage...

Yep, this kind of sucks. So happy to hear that you're daughter is healthy. What a blessing!

My family spent every Christmas at my grandparents house (7 hours away), and we got to see cousins that we only saw once or twice a year. I thought it was great! As a mom, I now realize what a gift they gave us. They decided to create our own traditions.

We had Thanksgiving together (just the 5 of us), and every year my dad asked Santa if he could please come to our house on Dec. 22nd (or whatever the date was that was the day before we drove to grandma's house). So we had our own special Christmas a few days early and had a family Christmas and Grandma's house.

Not trying to tell you what to do (at all!). This really stinks for you, and I really can relate. Our kids are now 5 & almost 3, and last year was our first real Christmas morning (just the 4 of us). This year, you might want to consider just letting it go. After the holidays talk to your husband about what the three of you want to do. You absolutely have a right to want your own tradition. Maybe you and your husband can come up with a tradition that is special for the three of you and still gives your families a Christmas they'll be happy with. Good luck! I'm sure you'll come up with something special.