Highly Sensitive Four-year-old

Only had one small thing to share - maybe for birthdays guests that bring gifts could take them to her and she can open them with the guest right there. That way she gets to spend a quiet moment with teh guest and share her thanks - maybe that would be a little less overwhelming for her? Sorry I don't have any advice on the other but I think it's great that you've noticed it's hard for her and are trying to help. GOOD LUCK!

Hi K.,

I see that you haven't said anything about consulting your pediatrician concerning this behavior - please do. She should be able to refer you to a behavioral therapist for an evaluation, to see if there needs to be some kind of intervention for her, and/or to give you advice.

K.,

I very much understand how frustrating it can be. My 8 year old daughter was/is much the same way. Not only was I trying to deal with her feelings and behavior, but I felt very criticized by others. I work in a school and preschool. It is very obvious that our society values outgoing social children. I have so much tried to convey to people that quiet or shy is only a problem in that it interferes with life (in ways that matter). That being said..

My daughter used to cover her ears with music because she said it hurt her ears (like at church or on the radio in the car). She cried horribly at being left with anyone like in the nursery or in a class. She HATES being the center of attention still to this day. She has done so well...even went with me on a mission trip to the Amazon in Brazil (loved the airports, being there, and the whole experience!). She has in the last year, though, crawled under a table in Sunday School when they were doing some game one on one. She also cried every soccer practice/game (which she begged to play)until halfway through the season...then still refused to play any type of tag. She would talk after each time about how much she loved soccer!

The things I've found is that trying to coax her in the moment is absolutely pointless. She is completely unable to reason at that point...despite bribes, threat of punishment, etc. NOTHING overrides that fear and panic. We really talk about it ahead of time, which helps. We talk about if afterward also...what she found so frightening, what she could have done, and LOTS of praise for even tiny little steps she made. The biggest factor has just been TIME. She needs to be allowed to watch first. We talk to her about that it is ok to be shy (although we tried to avoid this term for a long time so as not to give her a label she tried to fulfill). It's ok to be a watcher. What we've focused on is acceptable social behavior such as saying, "No thanks, I'd like to just watch" rather than hiding her face and ignoring the person. It's not ok to hide under the table but it is ok to say you don't want to do something (within reason). We also talk about that you have to do things sometimes you don't want to do but are scary...and how to cope. We set up parameters prior to a situation like soccer (you have to do the tag if you want to continue...you have 3 minutes to watch and then you play), etc. I also try to build upon past successes..."remember how you were scared/cried for ballet and then you made friends and loved it?" We try to avoid high pressure situations, let teachers know ahead of time that she will react poorly to being spotlighted until she is comfortable, etc. She has gotten better with each year. She is not shy at all in her personality under normal circumstances...just anxiety provoking social situations. She is very smart. She knows she has trouble in this area but has a lot of other strengths.

The strengths of very sensitive children are that they can be very caring/compassionate, very observant, and very bright. I wish you the best in finding what works best for your child.

K.

This sounds like a stimulation issue. I say this from experience. had 27 week twins that one of them had same issues. If we were any type of situation (party, X-mas, overcrowded area) it would send him over the edge and usually would have to be removed from the situation. You need to talk to your ped doc and see what they recommend. Our local school had what is called developmental preschool (he couldn't handle regular preschool, just too much for him) and it works with kids with all sorts of problems. They provide therapies and run just like a normal preschool except they have all these extras. We had a wonderful experience and he benefited greatly. My twins are now 8yo and he doesn't have the reactions he used too, but still has some coping, frustration issues that we have to deal with, but I would say talking to your doc would be your best bet. Goodluck

You HAVE to talk about the importance of being flexible. Take EVERY situation you can and talk about how you could respond "IF"......don't have the shirt you want to wear, it's in the laundry, don't have what you need to prepare the meal you wanted to, don't have time to do this or that, etc. The MORE FLEXIBLE YOU ARE THE EASIER LIFE WILL BE! BE CREATIVE and BE FLEXIBLE!!

Every time I get into a situation where kids think they messed up, I ALWAYS try and remind them that some of life's supposed mistakes turn into what we buy at the store as an invention, etc. Last weekend we were coloring eggs and Abbie thought she messed up. I proceeded to tell her she hadn't and helped her create a very cool looking egg that was three different colors. She loved it. She has gotten SO much more flexible the past couple of years. She really understands that everything does NOT have to be perfect and life never is. Roll with it and learn and be creative!

First, let your daughter know that it's okay for her to be upset or to be angry. That it's how she deals with it that matters.

Our 5 year old once got really upset thinking I would be mad because she had an accident in her bed. I asked her what happened, and she started to cry and get in a tizzy. Once I calmed her down, and went to see what happened, I just said, "Okay, we need to change your sheets." She said, "You're not mad??" I told her, "No, I'm not mad. I'm not happy about it, but I'm not mad."

Our 5 year old gets frustrated with our 2 year old for the same reasons. We have to tell her that "Little sister doesn't understand about following the rules yet" or that "She doesn't understand about sharing yet..." and that that's okay.

Sounds like she's too afraid of doing something wrong. Your daughter needs to know that she can make mistakes, and that you guys will still love her. Let her know that there are ways to deal with her frustrations: count to 10, take a lap around the house, whatever.

My parents would tell us, "When you calm down, we'll talk about this." BUT I really think that time outs (done effectivley) would be a better tool. It's all about taking a time out to gain control over those emotions. Supernanny's method seems to work best.

I will tell you that we enrolled our oldest in a "movement"/tumbling class, and her confidence has just soared. It's through www.sportastiks.com and it's a wonderful program. That might be something to enroll her in that's "just for her".

When you go out in public, let her know "here's the rules". My mother had 4 of us, and would tell us..."We're going to dinner, and I expect you to behave, and not act up." If we started up saying "But I don't want to go there" her response was "I didn't ask if you wanted to go there; that's where we're going." "But I don't like anything there..." "So you won't get to eat, but you're coming with us anyway." To be fair, we don't go to real shmancy places with our kids like my parents would sometimes. BUT when we do go out, we bring a "booty bag" - a diaper bag that has a couple 8 oz. bottles of water, some goldfish crackers (they have them in little milk carton sized containers now) and/or applesauce, and maybe a few small toys or crayons and coloring things to occupy them. Our 2 year old knows to go rooting through the bag now. She'll hop off her chair, and go rooting through the bag, and hand me a bottle of water and a straw, or whatever it is she wants. That's why it's there.

THere's a pizza place we like - the owner used to be a teacher, and has an activity table set up along one wall with crayons, coloring books, go-fish game, tic-tac-toe games, etc.

We knew that if we acted up too much, my parents would pack us up and go home. There were many trips to the grocery where my mother left a full cart in the corner, and said, "We're leaving NOW - get in the car or get left." And we knew she was serious...well, she did have a good poker face, but we felt like she was serious!

One more thing I'll add - I'm sure you've heard it takes 7 "atta-boy's" to negate 1 criticism. I made it a point each night before my oldest goes to bed to tell her things she did that day that were great (I tell her it's great when it happens, and then later when we're going to bed): that she was a big help with the grocery's, that she did a good job eating dinner, and was a big help doing laundry, whatever. Encourage the good behavior, and you'll see more of it. They'll start looking for things to do where they'll get praised.

For what it's worth....

My son isn't quiet that bad, but he does need much prepping for new situations.
We have a calendar in his room that I write everything down on. Each night we review the next few days of events on the calendar. This is so he knows when I will be working, who will be watching him and etc. I am not a routine person but have become one for his sake. He does much better when I don't change it up: if I'm off we have to eat at home, if I work we eat at Papaw's house. After school he needs his 30 minutes to relaxe, and regroup. We discuss our routine regularly and make changes as he sees fit (as much as possible). I have also found when he is well rested he does better with changes.
His main problem is at school verses home. He won't answer questions at school, he is worried everyone will make fun of him if he's wrong. He is EXTREMELY smart, but he doesn't want kids to know how smart he is or if he makes mistakes. He likes to be middle of the road.
He has had some WONDERFUL teachers work with him.
I hope something helps. Best of luck!

Hi K.,

(I just wote the paragraph below- then read through the responses to you- and I HAD to come and edit my input to add a sentence. I sincerely hope that a few people in particular who did respond to you come back to see what else was written to you- because I do see some evident signs of several of the children referred to that they may very likey have SELECTIVE MUTISM (SM), and it doesn't appear that anyone has diagnosed the child yet. Shy and SM seem similar- but SM is SEVERE- and nothing can help the "shy" subside. That is how one would know if it is more than just being shy. Suffering cannot end without proper diagnosis. I can help, I want to help.)(Selective MUTISM- NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH AUTISM- These 2 conditions are VERY different and UNRELATED.)

okay, back to my original response..... :)

I don't know anything about the specific condition that you are speaking of. When I read some of it, it sounded like my daughter who will be turning 8 in a couple of weeks. Like your child, my daughter is highly intelligent. She was reading very well before kindergarden. She conversed with adults, and certainly played part in an intelligent conversation (with those she knew well and trusted)- impressing all. *** My daughter has Selective Mutism. SM is an anxiety disorder in children.*** In an uncomfortable state- she CANNOT "come out of her shell"- so to speak. She will have a panic attack if put into a situation that she is not comfortable with.

I researched her symptoms for several years, and diagnosed it sucessfully to be SELECTIVE MUTISM. Naturally, I wanted to try everything before I decided to medicate. Besides the exercises below (<--which WERE helpful), I tried placibos- which made zero difference in her symptoms, no good for her. That was another sign that this was the real thing.

We have done a lot of things over the years to help her adjust- example- take her to her school that she would begin kindergarden at all summer long before hand. A lot of repetition and preparation- touring and seeing the teachers, classrooms, library, restrooms and anything else we could so she could familiarize herself with as much as possible ahead of time. Reading books about whatever it is that may be coming up. Role playing- to practice what to expect, and ways to react, discussing each thing done and said, pros and cons- and why. Talking about how to react in ALL situations. Whether your child has SM, or suffers from any other social behavior/condition- these ideas might be useful in coping and moving forward.

(The above was/IS necessary for our case, but we did end up medicating 4 weeks before Kindergarden, which has been a God-send, and currently WITHOUT ANY noticed side-effects. That is just our situation, and of course, all situations differ in countless ways.)

[You mentioned your child not doing well with the spot-light on her- like singing Happy Birthday. At one time, my daughter absolutely would NOT have allowed that either. But 2 years ago, she had a SOLO- on stage- during a school performance- in front of 500+ people(adults and families) that she didn't know, and did SO well! We were astonished and AMAZED and prouder than you can imagine!]

I would be happy to email you more on our situation if you are interested. My daughter (and our family) has come through an awful lot for a tender little girl- and that is my purpose on this site- to help anyway I can with aiding another on a similar uncertain path that we have taken- and to share what we have learned- in efforts to help others come through it all with more answers. It is extremely difficult to watch our children suffer- and not be able to offer a solution. :( ---My family has found answers. Now my daughter's quality of life has GREATLY improved. She has come so far! More than we ever could have hoped for. All that we prayed for. Her progress is a miracle really. We are blessed for sure- and especially thankful!

Everyone- please let me know if you would like any more information about our story. I have written about it so may times in so many places, I finally created a WORD document that is loaded with information and details. It has helped others either diagnose someone they love, or eliminate it as a diagnosis- which is still one step closer toward resolution, or an accurate diagnosis. Then one can know where to start in UNDERSTANDING- recovery, therapy, healing-the beginning of a happy & fulfilling life for all involved, especially the child suffering. Those of you who know about it and have/are experiencing it- you know what I mean. :)

God Bless you and yours!

A.

Maybe you should ask her doctor about having her talk to someone. It might be that she just needs to be taught how to handle her emotions a little better. I'm sure there are techniques that she can be taught to help her cope. Good luck.

My daughter is now 19, not this shy anymore. I don't know if she had what you describe or not, but looking back,she had many of the same symptoms. She also hated being the center of attention. For her birthday, she hated being sung to, so we didn't. My mom hated it, but I didn't see the need to put my child through it. When strangers would talk to her, she closed her eyes. I would speak for her, telling them she is very shy, and wont' answer you. That took the pressure off of her, they left her alone. She graduated to looking past someone instead of closing her eyes, but the effect was the same. IF I don't see you, you aren't there. I guess, basically, when I could, I intervened for her taking the pressure off of her. I also prepared her for situations she would have to be in. She also cried the night before school started until the 4th grade. As I'm sitting here, I can think of many things. So maybe she had a mild case of it? Anyway, I want you to know they do out-grow it, as maybe you have? Good luck being there for her.
R.
PS I think I had it too as a child, but my kids never believe me when I tell them how shy I was.

Hi K.,

Of course, check with your ped to make sure there's no serious neurological reason for the behavior, but she might just be shy and awkward. And, that's always so painful to watch, but the bright side is that the shy kids stay out of trouble and avoid risky behavior.

-K.

K.,
I just posted looking for others experiences. My gifted 9 yrs. doesn't deal with change well. He wouldn't walk into a crowded room until this year, unless is was a family gathering and we discussed it first. I call him on my way home if something is changing from our regular routine. He has a calendar of Daddy's work schedule, and marks other family events/activities. His life is ran by a checklist. We review exact expectations prior to going to the grocery store, or restaurants, etc. We use specifically taught catch phrases and some sign language to help with the unexpected changes of life "Catch this curve-ball", "it's time to Rock n' Roll", etc.

We are in the process of finally working with a Pediatric Neurologist to figure out how his brain really does work so that we better understand how to talk to him. Our goal is to have a content, smiling young man. It's been great to once again see this emerging this past week.

Hope this helps :]

I would have your child evaluated by a neurologist. Of course talk to your pediatrician first. She sounds like she has some sensory issues and when she's acting out it is because of sensory overload. THis can be caused by food allergies or some type of mild neurological issues. I would not punish but rule pout some outside source causing this. I have two children with neurological issues that are very sensitive and at a young age dealt with it through their emotions because they did not know how to communicate what they were going through. Please talk to a doctor.

Hi K.,

I would suggest that you make an appointment with a Developmental Pediatrician. What you describe is not typical, and there is simply no way that anyone can tell you what will help her on a board like this with the few details you provided, we can only guess and suggest what helped our kids based on the diagonisis we got for them. My feeling is that this is far more serious than any help I could give you based on what worked for my child with similar problems.

The best thing about a developmental pediatrician is, they will know, and include all the different practitioners that your daughter might need, including speech pathologists (if it happens to be selective mutism for example) and will send you to a neurologist if she requires more of a neurological work up than the developmentalist can do alone. You can be sure that you have not missed anything if you go this route and they will provide you with a comprehensive treatment plan and they will act as a case manager for you, and you will need this kind of assistance.

A developmental pediatrican is not your regular pediatrician, call the nearest children's hospital to find a Developmental Pediatrician, it may take several months to get in. You will not regret going this direction, and you have described serious deviations from typical development that will require targeted intervention as soon as you can get it. Stabbing in the dark at developmental issues is just not a good idea. Know for sure, follow the plan, and get her as much help as you can before she gets much older.

M.