High School Graduation

She will be fine. All the things that you have taught her, she will remember. You are still her mom so she will still you need you to "parent" her:) Just keep praying.

Don't worry give it to God. When my daughter went away to college she realized quickly what all had been taken for granted about her upbringing when she saw how different our family life had been compared to some others. She really appreciated what we had taught and done for her. As always all we can ever do is pray God's protection over then as they go off on their own. They sometimes come back for a while just letting you know. hee, hee. At least until they permanently get on their own financially.

Although my freshman year of college is a good 8 years behind me, it doesn't feel like that long ago! But I was also a very good kid, and I went to college 45 mins away from my parents. So reading your note reminded me of me and my mom. To be honest, my parents have always trusted and been pretty good about not being too controlling, which was great for me. Anyway, college was wonderful for me. A great change from high school and very liberating. And I met my husband of 7 years there, during the first week of classes. We were married between my freshman and sophomore years of college and went to college and graduate school together. It was great. So my point is, your daughter is now going to be an adult. Even old enough to get married if she wants to (not to say that she will). It will be good for both of you if you start treating each other like adults and friends, and don't worry too much about what she's getting into. Since she's a good kid, probably not more than dates, friends, movies, intramurals, etc. If you want to stay connected and can---Do lunch like every two weeks! she will love it! She will tell you all about her classes and the people she is meeting and the ideas she is having about her future (an hour away should let you do that and be back in time for your son). Buy her a journal, and encourage her dreams. Leave her voice mails and send her care packages with her favorite snacks. Send quarters so she can do her laundry. All these things will remind her that you love her and are her safety net and will connect her to her values and roots. And buy yourself a journal too! Write her real letters to read so when she checks her mailbox, it's not empty...There are lots of things to do that wont' seem the least bit controlling and will keep ya'll involved. Hope this helps!

My oldest went to college at 17 out of state. It was difficult for all of us, including his sister. We found that a weekly telephone call helped. Other than that only time eased the seperation pain. Your daughter will most likely call you for any decision she is unsure of, but Mom,
she is now gone. Cry your tears and keep busy. As bittersweet as these moments are you have helped create a
wonderful and smart young woman. Trust yourself and her,
use the extra time for something you have wanted to do for
some time and have been unable to do.
For her sibling, just keep busy and be matter of fact about
the seperation

My son has now graduated from college (Duke), but I remember taking him so far away, helping him unpack and set up his room, and then having to drive away to head home (leaving my baby there, so far away in North Carolina).

I was a single mom (since he was 2 years old) and it was just the 2 of us most of the time (his dad still lives close, but during his elementary and junior high years was sporadically involved).

Anyway, it was one of the hardest things I have done to leave my son and drive away. I thought of all the horrible things that could happen. Anyway, you just have to remember that you have taught your daughter well and that she will grow up (with a few mistakes along the way, but that is how she will grow).

Advice - while you don't want to become helicopter mom, you can still be involved with her. It sounds like she will be fairly close to home. Do not encourage her to come home every weekend (or she will not develop relationships at school). However, do encourage her to make your home a welcoming refuge for some of her new friends at school. By this I mean, let her know that she can invite new friends home for a visit. Believe me, home-cooked meals are appreciated greatly by college students. My son was not able to come home for one Thanksgiving. He was sad to be left at school and I was sad not to have him here. One of his friends there at school was from a small town about an hour away. His parents invited several of the students to their home to join the family for Thanksgiving. It meant so much to my son to be part of a family celebration for Thanksgiving and it gave me peace knowing that he was not alone.

Since I was so far away, I only got to be at the school 2 or 3 times each year (usually at beginning and end of year and maybe one visit in the middle). I met his friends and he talked about them often, so I felt like I was getting to know them. He had 3 friends with whom he became close - they were from Florida, Virginia, and New York (with mine being the Texas boy). I would send homemade brownies or cookies to my son for him to share (they all loved that). On special occasions like Halloween and Easter, I sent them each pumpkins or baskets filled with goodies. I included dumb little toys, because boys are boys (no matter how old they are).

One summer 2 of them came to Texas and they stayed here at our home. They told me that they appreciated the things that I had sent and it was part of their good memories from college days. They are still close and I hear from them every now and again, even though they have all graduated and moved on.

My son is back here in Texas (going to UNT now - he will be in school forever - masters now and med school next). He lives near school, but sometimes I visit (call first) and do something special for him. I took a homemade pan of lasagna for him and his roommate. One time I filled his gar up with gas. Another time, I deposited $100 in his bank account (because I knew that things were tight, but that he wouldn't ask). Another time, I asked him to come and discuss an important issue with me (it was about me, but it was recognition that I consider him an adult and that his viewpoint is valued). Some of these things you can start doing while your daughter is at school, but not too far away.

I hope this gives you some ideas. If you ever want to talk, please do not hesitate to email me (I am lisaevol on AIM instant message).

You said it yourself, you have been parenting her for at least
16 years. Those are not wasted years. You need to give yourself more credit. She will take all that and more with her AND you will be near in her thoughts. There's email and the telephone that will keep you close. When you're sleeping in a strange bed, you think about home alot. Also, when you SHOW your daughter how much you trust and believe in her, she will do more to make you proud of her and her accomplishments. Also, from all her highschool experiences, she will recognize the elements to stay away from. My daughter is almost 27 and is the most reponsible daughter, sister, friend, employee and dog owner you could ever meet. You will also find that you will look so forward to your weekends together and enjoy them to the fullest compared to the weekends when she lived with you and it was just another weekend. She's lucky to have a mom like you --- and she knows it.

Good luck to you and your daughter.

P. S

D.:
My son graduated last year from high school and attends college 4 hrs. away. He didnt give us any problems and like you I was very concerned about him. As I have fast forwarded a year later, he is doing fine. He has made a few silly mistakes (normal) but he is still making good choices.Just like when he was home he choose good friends at college and he has steared away from some of the things I was concerned with.(ie drugs, alcohol, etc.) We talked alot before he left and talk alot since he's been gone, proably more so. The interesting part is when they come home and you have this semi-independent adult who still has some teenage issues (ie not cleaning his room, not cleaning up his dirty dishes etc.)and them just leaving out without you knowing where their going. Also dont be surpriesed when they come home for the first time they and you dont see them at all, dont take it personal they just want to hang out with old friends from high school. My advise is this if you have put good things into your child, it'll come out, expect some bad choices, it's part of growing up, keep up the communication with your child and you'll find that they will communicate with you because your child is as nervous as you are. At least that was what my son said. I have 2 left at home and I havent spoiled them I just have a little more time to spend with the 2 of them verses dividing my time up with 3. Hope this helps and if you just need someone to talk you through the challenging times just shoot me an e-mail.

I've had 3 of my eight children leave home and #4 goes in 1 1/2 years, #5 in 3 years. It was very difficult with number 1. I cried a lot---I just missed him and our home didn't seem like it would ever be the same without him. Well, it wasn't ever the same without him, but that's okay. Your son will blossom in ways you can't imagine once sister is gone. Older siblings cast a bit of a shadow and when they are gone, the sunshine really brings amazing growth to the other one.

I understand your feelings very much. If I had to do it over again, I would do my best to put those aside and express confidence in their abilities to be a grownup.

One thing I did that helped a LOT was that I started having him practice things that he needed to do at college---like laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. It helps for them to get some experience with you there as the safety net.

Also, have some pre-arranged times for her to call home or you to call her---then don't really stray from those too much. Let her call any time, if she needs to. But keep your calls on schedule. She'll have the security of knowing you're calling, but you won't be interrupting her new social experiences or even study time if you stay on schedule.

I emailed my son little quotes about success and learning and growing up each day. I would close with "I believe in you". The emails weren't anything else. But he really looked forward to them and helped him know we care and are thinking of him without us hovering.

My kiddoes all go to school over 1,300 miles away, so dropping in to visit isn't a possibility. Since your daughter will be so close, I would HIGHLY discourage unplanned visits. Don't expect her to come home every weekend. You really want her to assimilate into campus life and begin to spread her wings---hard to do if parents drop in much.

Hold onto your heart, Mom. It's a very tender time when they leave. But you've raised an adult (okay, so they're just "emerging" adults), and it's time to watch her soar. Be available when she needs you (and she WILL) and pray a lot.

All the best,

D.
Mom to 8

Have you heard about Eagle U? It's a leadership camp for High School and college age kids. This doesn't really help with your problem exactly except that the kind of things they teach there would be helpful to her in making decisions on a college campus which may help you feel like you have done all you can in preparing her for this new world. They teach leadership skills, study skills, how to work with others, how to have belief in yourself and not follow the crowd, how to take advantage of what college offers, how to follow your passion and get your dream job. www.eagleu.com for more info. I know several people who have attended or have sent their kids and they all love it. They create a bond with other "Eagles" and they stay in contact to keep each other focused on being successful in college and life after, making it less likely to get into trouble. Just a thought.

I think for the Mom it is very hard to let go and I'm not looking forward to it myself. My kids are 8 years apart and the spoiling temptation will be there I know. But then I think about how much I truly spoiled my son for those 8 years before my daughter was born so maybe it's not so bad a thing (within reason of course). : ) I'm sure your daughter will make mistakes as we all do but with the foundation that you have set for her over the past 18 years I bet she will make you proud and if she stumbles be understanding and love her anyway.

Congratulations on raising such a neat kid! She will do great. You'll still be close with cell phones and instant messaging. Concentrate on your son now. He'll be gone in a short time, too, and be the best mother you can be. Then, in the end, you know that you did the best you could do. Good luck!

Hi D. -
I so feel for you - I'm not quite there yet, but have been watching and learning from friends as they go through this major life transition. One thing I would suggest is that you move more into the "coaching" role from the full-on "parenting" role and start working yourself even out of that job as you determine that you DD is able to handle things on her own - give her the freedom to make the decisions while she is still with you (the ones you will want her to do well when she is not with you) and watch her thinking process and how she recovers from mistakes. With her only an hour away, she can always turn to you for the advice and love that she needs. And if you determine that she is really not ready to be that far away yet, she could do a year of jr college or commute 2 days a week to the one that is 1-hr away. I love that you are gearing yourself up for this now - wise mama! I pray that you will be blessed as you help your eldest through this - and yourself too - it's probably more of a shock to your system than it is to hers even! Think of some creative ways to reach out and stay connected while allowing her wings to flap a little before she leaves the nest.
Many blessings!!!
S.

Being anxious when your first (baby) leaves the nest is normal, and I had 4, and it is normal to cry even, try not to do it in front of them to make them feel bad. But if you have raised her good, she will be o.k. and you can't worry about what if's. They have to grow up, and even have to learn from their mistakes, as no one is perfect. Just enjoy her, & of course it's o.k. to say you miss her, just not give her a (trip) about it.As for your son, enjoy this time, but don't cloud it with worring about when he leaves, or you will miss the fun of today. Let your daughter join in the social things the college offers, and not be home every week-end, so that she can have a healthy college life. One of my children was too far away to come home often, and made some great friends and enjoyed what the college had to offer, the next one lived closer and was home real often, and then when she deceided to get with the college kids, they had already made friends an groups & doing things that made it hard for her to get acquainted then. It will all turn out fine, but you will naturally feel sad a bit, and that is just part of it , sorry.
It is what I call bitter sweet, you raise them to be ready to go out to the world and graduate, so this makes you happy and is the (sweet ) part, but then them flying off is the sad part, and we don't want to raise kids that can't ever leave home, do we?

Yes, it is hard to let go but isn't that what your job was all about? Teaching a child to become an adult and doing all on their own? Yes to both. You have to trust yourself that you have done the best job that you could do and planted the seeds of right and wrong within. To help you adjust, it would be wise for you to begin to think of that person as leaving as if on an extended vacation out of the house. Prepare yourself for the break that so and so is leaving on this day and that is it. If that mean rearranging a room or two so be it. If you have a hobby that needs space you now have that space. You can be assured that they will call home on occasion to ask how to cook something or clean something as in reassurance. I remember when my daughter left home (the town) and moved to San Antonio 2 years ago. She loves the city and has her own apartment and job and is doing fine. I get a call several times a week just as a friend and all is fine. When my son left for the Army I was more than ready for him to leave. The house seemed so peaceful and tranquil and a real joy. So, you will survive. He lives in Colorado Springs, owns his own home and is now a journeyman electrician and calls to find out how to cook something. The relationship changes from young child to adult child and friend. It is a wonderful journey for all even with the bumps and bruises along the road to maturity. You are not alone just find things you want to do to keep busy. Join a few organizations go back to school or to work. Just think, your grocery and laundry and utility expenses have decreased.

hun it well be hard the she goes in to get her roommin the dorn if she has sign in early she will be calling mom ihave no place to sleep my room was give away that happy went my young went to collage if i had been at work iwould have cry all day but got home from work phone ring and he was calling to say he didn't have no were to sleep he stay all night in his truch until they got him a room next morning she not leaveing u hun she growing up but they will still need you . it s when the lord take then that they don't need us i no he has taken 3 of my so hun hug her tight and tell her how much you love her and you will be there when she needs you put her in gods hands he will potect her for you

I learned when my daughters graduated and went away, it was scary at first, but I knew they had been raise right. I actually did not waorry as much as wehn they were home, because I had not way of knowing if they stayed out too late, etc, because I did not know their schedule and I was not ex-pecting them home at a certain time, so I did not worry about them like I did when they had curfews, etc. They called a lot and we are very, very close now! Trust her! You always have and she will not let you down!

Dear D. G,

After the first few weeks, which WILL be difficult for you, it will get easier, I promise. Just as you pray for your daughter to make the right decisions, pray for her protection. As the Bible says, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not turn from it." You have done your job. Now, let her learn to do hers! In the meantime, enjoy having her here for a while longer! Then, enjoy your son! He will love the one-on-one time!

Deb D

I have one graduating in June!She is my last of 3 daughters, and so I am really nervous about it. I will be without any of them living here. She is going to college in Austin, about 3 1/2 hours away. Her older sister is planning on moving to Australia, to go to school and get married. I am happy and sad, too. Because it ends a chapter in life of having them at home. I guess the real empty nest is what I'm thinking about. Your daughter sounds alot like mine. If they are good kids and have had support growing up, they do fine. And she will know your are here for her, right? Praying is not a last resort , but a wonderful way that God has given us, so we don't have to worry!
My part now is going through all of the "Lasts". for now, today was the "last" prom day. We spent all day getting ready,( My senior, her 21 year old sister and I did a joint effort!) and she looked fabulous!

It will be very hard. The ones that are not serious and take that leap usually are out the first year.
The second year those who fake it out so far are gone by the third year there are quality kids very serious about graduating. They will party and even though the Soroity my step daughter joined assured us in a letter they do not allow drinking the videos they showed the parents on BBQ day showed a different view. You have to just trust God to keep her safe. Those that have been more sheltered may go more wild or not. You will know more when you see her grades. It is the hardest thing to let go. My two children did not graduate High School. They left to live with dad at age 17 as soon as they could run. Because of that their lives have been harder then they could have been with a degree. A woman once told me and it stuck. There is life after children. I seeked other neighbor friends who did not have children left at home and had a blast. We moved and I seeked women groups like Greater Lewisvill Newcomers. I had total bliss in those groups. Bunco,golf,even bird watching. Eating out and enjoying life. My ex divorced me and my life changed again. I now am back into children. Both a granddaughter and a Day Care. I miss the adult fun I had but children are filling my life now. It is a time to date your hubby more and do couple things and get involved with your son camping or whatever. Life turns corners every time we think we are comfortable. Enjoy the different turns and because if we did not have them life would be boring. God Bless G. ps. Be grateful she is on her way to her own life. This is a time to mature and we want them there. By the time my step daughter graduated she had a much more mature attitude and grateful for the journey of having a degree. She went from a spoiled brat to a wonderful young lady. The sorority taught her a more refined way to dress and what to wear at different occassions and how to have those manners we fret we overlooked. She is a wonderful person now. Something to look forward to that I never believed possible.

The best thing you can do is tell her everything you just said to us. I have raised 4 children and they all have turned out to be very good adults. It is so important to let her know you are trusting her to make good choices as you know she will. My children told me they felt stronger and more determined to make good choices in life after that talk we had. Ask for her help during this big change in both of your lives. The two of you agree to listen to each other and keep the communication gap open. Allow her to make those choices and try not to run her crazy with constant contact. They like to be the one calling home...and will. As for your son, the two of them will become closer than ever and you will see him grow up over night when she goes. Mom, they will be OK, you on the other hand, will deal with these feelings forever. As I tell my children "I will never stop being your mother no matter how old you are".

Hi D.!
Wow...we just did this last year. My girl is a really great kid with a good head on her shoulders, but it had been a big adjustment. We also have two boys much yourger(11 and 13)...and it was really h*** o* them at first too.
All I can say is you have to trust that what you've taught her up until now is going to stick. She will make mistakes, but hopefully she'll feel like she can tell you about them. That's what we've been dong.
The first 4-6 weeks were the worst. The house was so quiet and we were all in shock...mourning is probably more like it! :) She was very homesick too. After a while you get somewhat used to this new, weird way of life. She calls a lot and the boys do their thing...you fall into a new routine...And we all really look forward to her weekend visits.
She is supposed to have a good time, make new friends and have new experiences. This is like the medium ground for independence. She's still in a relatively safe environment, can make decisions for herself, but still has the responsibilites of a roomate and studies, etc. I have realised that it's been good for all of us...especially for her and me. It's so scary sending that child that you've spent 18 years of your life worrying about praying for and teaching everything you can thing of to out into the world to be on her own.Huge.
About brother...My daughter set up an instant messaging account for them and they talked every day like that. Very fun for the youngest. That helped a lot. If he has a phone they can text too. One of the boys slept in her bed for a while too, and then moved back to his bed. He will realise it's not forever when she comes home for a weekend, but it is an adjustment.
She's a good kid...you said so yourself...pray for her and give her wings...and a soft place to land if she tries something that doesn't work out. Good luck!

Empty nest syndrome is real! I had always secretly laughed at mothers who had a hard time with this thought to myself "what a wonderful day that the kids are gone and it's only me and my husband again". Wrong! I actually did fairly well with my oldest because I had his sister (3 yrs younger) to focus on but when she left..wow! I can remember being in the kitchen one day and realized I only had to cook for 2 that night and I broke down crying. My husband came up to me and as he was putting his arms around me I sobbed "They don't need me anymore." He quietly whispered " They just don't think they do anymore, that's all." I wore out my knees the next few years praying they would be OK and make the right decisions. And guess what? They didn't. They made the same mistakes I did when I left home. Had overdrafts on their bank accounts, over-used credit cards that they got without me knowing, picked the wrong roommates who moved out on them during the night, and so on. They are 28 and 25 now, both married with children and guess what? They still don't make the decisions like I think they should but realized they are their own person, just like I taught them to be, and do have a very strong sense of right and wrong, just like I taught them. I've decided I'm actually very lucky that they are not perfect but just normal kids that will always,in some form or fashion, still need their Mom.
Just pull out an old chick flick, pour yourself a glass of wine, and have a good cry. It will all work out. Maybe not the way you've always had it planned but it will work out.

D.:
I have been there my only daughter went to college only an hr away and I was so upset that for the first week I cried a lot but then the next weekend I went to see her and found that she was doing just find and she was coping with it better than I was but then she started calling me once during the week and then on every sunday and that helped just to hear her voice and she would tell what she had been doing and how everthing was going believe it or not it does get easier.You have one advantage over me you have another child at home she was my only child. Good luck and God bless Keep your chin up and they have things for parents to attend so go to all of them that you can.