High Needs Baby

I love Dr. Sears. His books have helped me so much with both of my kids. I agree with the poster that said "high needs" is a nice way of saying "difficult" :D Both my girls were high needs babies. My oldest grew out of it at a fairly young age and now she's a very independent 3 almost 4 year old. My youngest is 17 months and is still, what I would consider, high needs. I think it's all personality. I know when my kids just need a cuddle versus crying for manipulation.

Agree and Disagree. I was exactly in your shoes just a few short months ago. I was having problems with my son napping when I came across the concept of a high needs baby. I read through it and thought "Yep, that is my son exactly." Only not exactly. Some of the categories sounded like he was describing him exact, totally dead on. Others were slightly less so, a yeah I can see that. And one or two were, well I guess that could be him. Dr. Sears admits that all children exhibit varying degrees of all of the characteristics listed. And really in essence I think that's what it is, Dr. Sears is simply describing babies- all babies are high needs. It's what they're programmed for. Some just require a little more or less in different ways. That's what makes us unique, right?

Ok i read it and completely agree. My daughter hit several of those. Notably the in womb movements! She could make me go numb for hours with some of her kicks.
I was so familliar with the mommy zone he described. As the toddler years hit she seems to be growing out of some of it. She is getting a lot more independent. Trust me i am still her first choice, she can now stay with a friend for an hour or so without screaming the entire time.
Knowing it was her personality helped a lot. Her smiles are just as big as her cries. I am a little disapointed that was not mentioned as well.

My youngest has been miserable since he was in my womb...no exaggeration either. When he finally came into the world, he constantly cries, is never happy or content, does not liked to be cuddled...you get the picture. I've tried everything such as extra naps, stimulating activities, walks and exercise....to no avail. I even wore him for as long as I could--it worked sometimes, but not too often. This has been going on for 15 straight months. I got to the point where I posted a question on this site a few weeks ago and some mommas suggested an early intervention center. Well, I found one in my school district and he will be going there in a few weeks for an extensive evaluation since my pediatrician can't figure out why he is this way all the time. I hope these specialists can help us.

High needs is not the same as "special needs". High needs is an interesting theory. When my daughter was an infant, I read Dr. Sear's website almost every day lol. My daughter fit the "high needs" description to a tee. She was colicky, fussy, needed held ALL the time. She could not fall asleep on her own, she could not self-sooth, etc. I think Dr. Sear's is right on the money. I also think the term "high needs" is a nice way of saying "difficult" baby lol. Weather you buy into the terminology or not, I think Dr. Sear's has a lot of great advice. I followed his advice and my daughter has grown into a wonderful, enjoyable toddler. That first year was rough though! Good luck with your baby.

I think it's a really interesting article. I wonder, though, about context.

According to the article... my son hit 11.5 out of the 12... but in my mind, he was a VERY easy baby. We just meshed well (and a few years of psych & nursing classes helped... as did having a lot of experience around other people's babies - sibs, cousins, babysitting). But our personalites agreed, and providing what he needed at any given time was just kinda natural 99% of the time. Exhausting, sure, but not frustrating.

Why I wonder about context is this:

Both my son and I are ADHD. (As are many members of my family, ironically as far as genetics go, about 1:4). If you read down the list of ADHD symptoms EVERYONE relates. Everyone forgets things, everyone gets distracted, everyone can have several things on their mind (thinking multiple thoughts), everyone experiences intense emotions, everyone gets hyperfocused (intent/ driven/ passionate to the degree the world falls away), everyone gets sensory overload, everyone gets x, y, z FROM TIME TO TIME. Even for extended periods of time, here and there. But there is a HUGE difference between people with ADHD and non-adhd'ers.

Same token lots of people have "active" toddlers. It's hilarious, however, to watch 2 toddlers that both parents claim are active. The level of activity is often *radically* different. One parent can say non-stop and mean 10 hours... another parent says non-stop and they mean for a few minutes every hour.

Like Denise, I personally categorize babies as being high needs when they have something physically wrong with them (pick an organ, any organ, and anything that can be wrong with them), or a disability the parent is illequiped to deal with *in the beginning* (aka a deaf baby can be high needs for a hearing parent, but not high needs for a deaf parent or hearing parent who is conversant with deafness), or the mysterious and dreaded colic (crying every second that they're awake regardless of level of care for days/ weeks/ months), or a disease (aka a genetic disorder... like downs or "glass bones"... not an illness which is caused by infection), or certain illnesses (polio for example), or birth defects, or brain injuries, or extreme allergies, or drug babies, or babies with cancers, or autistic babies (like my cousin), or, or, or. The defining line being something that requires *expert* care, knowledge, and understanding... or extreme medical intervention.

Now... following MY definition... in my experience and observation...every baby who meets 1 or more of the above ALSO exhibits all or most of the12 of Dr. Sears signs of a high needs baby. My son had NONE of the above (he's adhd... but that's not something one knows at birth, and like a deaf parent of a deaf child... being adhd myself he's probably MUCH easier for ME to parent than parenting a 'typical' child), but he had 11.5 of the signs. And like I said... he was a super easy baby in my book.

So I wonder about context. Squares and rectangles.

to me a high needs baby has a disability of some sort. ex hard of hearing adhd,downs, deformities whenborn. in my opinion speechtherapy kids are not high needs. the reason I say this is my oldest needed speech butwas not special in any other area. he is now a normal kid. he was just that speech delayed. he was also colicky i never considered him a high needs baby. just a normal kid who needed a little extra attention. now my youngest is hard of hearing farther behind in speech than his brother was and I do consider himhigh needs. because he needs more attention due to he cant hear. jmo

I don't have high needs kids, but know enough to know that it happens!

I have worked with babies as a nanny for a very long time, and a couple things I've learned:

All babies have needs. They just express them differently. Some are louder than others. Some are more easygoing, some are in between.

Earplugs help. Even when you've got them in,you can certainly hear your crying baby. They protect your ears-- and your nerves.

I think there have been times my son was high-needs, and they passed. And I'm sure they'll come up and pass again and again. Kids are just that way in general. There are high needs toddlers and high needs kindergarteners and on into the future....it doesn't end in infancy, it just changes as they age. :)

Good question!

for me, I equate "high needs" with insecurity & a lack of self-esteem.

My oldest required a lot from us! From the time he awoke....& I mean, each & every time for the first 3 or 4 months.....he screamed his head off until the bottle went in. & I mean scream....not cry, not fuss. The pediatrician described him as a "hungry baby"....& he was right.

He was very demanding, very high energy & would not sleep independently - regardless of what we did. I truly believe the fact that he spent the 1st 3 days in intensive care, under oxygen....factored into his insecurity. He was 3 days old before we were allowed to hold him. 3 days old before we were allowed to feed him. At home, the second we placed him in his bed....he woke up & began to scream! It was the stuff nightmares are made of! & this lasted until he was about 9 months.....I thought it would never end.

Life finally settled for him (except for the sleeping issues) once he began exploring his world. & what's interesting is that he never, ever had trouble with separation anxiety! He was simply just a needy infant.

By contrast, in my daycare, I have a little one who is the epitome of insecure. He was held nonstop by both parents for the first 3 months & -1 year later - still has to have caregiver contact to feel at ease. If I am more than 6' from him, he freaks & has a meltdown. It is so uncomfortable to witness, so distressing to the other children.....& so absolutely preventable. It breaks my heart that mom actually applauds when he behaves like this....she considers it an indicator of a strong will. I don't .....I feel quite the opposite. It is pure temper & a need to be in control. & I want to be quite clear this is also not a case of autism or anything else! He is so phenomenally bossy & demanding that he takes my breath away.....which is why I consider him "insecure": he has to be in charge to feel any degree of security.

My son was a "high needs" baby - he was colicky and needy. He wanted to be held all the time. He wanted to nurse over and over and over every night and did not sleep though the night till he was 2. He was a rollercoaster of emotions. He also fits the description of a "spirited child" and now at age 6 he is still a very intense kid who can be quite difficult about things. He feels very intensely. His positives are he's a very smart, curious and passionate boy!

My first is "high needs" in that she is highly spirited, probably has some sensory issues, and has "explosions". These are probably all inter-related. It was apparent early on that she was spirited. I think "high needs" means children that come out needing more from their parents, whether that is attention, energy, reassurance, negotiation, patience, whatever.

My second does not seem to have the same issues. So, I totally disagree with one of the responders about "self-esteem" and "insecurity". The self-esteem issues tend to be a symptom of the larger issues (e.g., sensory processing issues can lead to self-esteem issues), not the other way around. And parenting styles has nothing to do with it.

I agree that all babies can be thought of as "high needs" and share characteristics of what has been described as such, but some do make their needs known in a much louder fashion, and perhaps feel their needs much more intensely.

My first daughter has a different bio-dad and was the most easy going baby ever there was. Of course it still felt hard, because caring for a baby is hard, but she was quite well-behaved and hardly ever cried. She was easy to soothe when she did. I patted myself on the back for all my excellent parenting skills paying off. Then came the second daughter, and all my skills were put to the test.

She is now 9 years old and has been diagnosed with ADHD, and has a lot of sensory issues. I know that she was born this way. There has been an extreme difference in the amount of energy it takes to parent this child. Many marriages fail the stress of parenting kids with these types of diagnoses. It is extremely difficult.

All people exhibit some of the behaviors of ADHD, or SPD or OCD or whatever, at some point. It is a matter of whether the behaviors happen chronically enough to cause debilitating problems in your daily life that a person ends up with a diagnosis. That is also how I think about a label like "high needs" as an infant, though it is perhaps used a little too broadly (as are terms like "colicky"). Also no one is going to diagnose an infant as something like ADHD, or even a toddler, so it can be difficult to know what you have on your hands until they are older. The fussy behavior of an infant could be caused by any number of things, if you are lucky they'll outgrow it!

It could be thought of as a spectrum, with most people falling in the middle, and fewer toward the extremes.

My third daughter is similarly "high needs" as the second. They share a biological father. However, because I already lived through one high needs child (it took me 8 years to feel ready to have another after that) I find that I do have a lot more patience and an even broader arsenal of parenting tricks up my sleeve. I think this third child feels slightly "easier" because I am more relaxed and not taking her intense behavior as personally. I have a better understanding of it now. Or she may just not be quite as "high needs"... it's hard to say.

But yes, all babies are hard work, but some babies are much more difficult than others.

I sometimes babysit easygoing babies/kids and yearn for the parenting days of my firstborn. I get teary just thinking about it. My oldest daughter remains easygoing as a teenager, and a huge help to me.

I believe my kids are here to teach me as much as I am here to teach them, I have learned a good many lessons from my "high-needs" kids, and feel a stronger parent because of it.

I love most of what Dr. Sears has to say, but take all "expert" parenting advice with a grain of salt - take what works for me and my situation and leave the rest!