Help with Spouse

My daughter's father was something like your hubby. It finially got to the point where I didn't leave him a choice when I could. Like instead of taking your daughter to your mom's, hand her over to your hubby and tell him you are goning to the store and will be back in 2 hrs and walk out. Don't clean the dishes up after dinner especially if he invited his parents over!! And how rude of them if they don't offer to help clean up afterwards!!

See what I'm getting at?? You are only 1 person and can only do so much. And you have illnesses on top of that and shouldn't have to ask YOUR hubby for help. He should do it regardless!! Even if he won't go talk to the minister, you do it by yourself!! He will give you the strength you need to make this marriage work or for you to be able to take your kids by the hand and walk away. Believe me, you deserve better!

Good luck
S.

I agree with Sharie, as long as you give him to option to be lazy, he will. The only thing that is going to change this situation is for you to step up and assert yourself, because it sounds like your husband is going to disrespect you as much as you allow him to. Make that counseling appointment and tell him (don't ask) to be there. Even if he won't attend the counseling, it sounds like you could still benefit from individual sessions. Your husband probably doesn't want to attend the counseling because he already knows that his behavior is not acceptable and doesn't want to be confronted about it. You are not going to get through this without an argument, and that's okay. You should be more worried if you NEVER argue or disagree.
Go to that counseling, with or without him...you won't regret it.

Get counseling for you. Even if your husband is unwilling, a trained therapist can help you be stronger and more confident to ask (and get) what you need. Be reminded that a good therapist will NOT tell you what to do (re: stay or leave) but will assist you come to your own decisions and figure out what you can change and can accept.

Hi J.,

My heart goes out to you. I would definitely seek a Christian counselor for your situation. Are you a member of a church? If so, then that church should have someone in leadership to counsel you both. Get connected with a church if you don't already belong to one. I think your sicknesses are the result of your marriage unfortunately. You'd be surprised how your body responds to stress and disorder. Your cells start to attack each other and everything. I will believe God for your complete healing-mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally.

I just agree very much with the first two responders. You cannot change someone else, but you can change your own behavior and your responses to his. I would definitely make and keep that counseling appt. Tell him you expect him there. If not, go on your own. Not having your name on the bank account is totally unacceptable in my opinion. Good luck to you...

I think you both would benefit from seeing the movie Fireproof. It is a Christian movie about marriage. It also talks about a book called the Love-Dare; it can be found at Christian bookstores. Counseling would also help and maybe the movie would help your husband see that your marriage needs help.

I think that you should open up your own account and start being in charge of your own money. If you need to contribute to pay for the bills, then only give it to him when he ask and then write him a check for it.

Also, make time for yourself. A couple of times a week for about a couple of hours, should really help you feel a little less stressed. Do something that you LOVE and let him take care of the kids while you are out. It doesn't matter what it is. It could be a walk through the mall. Who cares! The only thing that matters is that you are taking time out for yourself. Oh yeah, never let him make you feel guilty that you are taking time out for yourself. He may get mad and that is ok. Just let him know that is not up for negotiation. You need time for yourself.

We are taking this class at Savannah Christian Church called Intimate Encounters...it is life changing! Seriously. Maybe you can go on the internet and get the book with the dvd (same name intimate encounters). Otherwise, they have tons of classes for couples at Savannah Christian Church. They are all very good. Continue to pray for him. Another good book that helped us is called The Language of Sex...they sell it at Savannah Christian Churches book store. It is cowritten by Gary Smalley, the Christian RElationship doctor. My husband was totally into it because of the title. Then we got into it and it talked a lot about how to treat each other with respect and how to get good communication, etc.. It has helped change our marriage too. I hope these suggestions work. My husband and I have taken a half an hour everyday, after the kids go to sleep, to spend together. We turn off the TV, read one of the books and then pray together. It has helped a lot!!!

first of all, i'm sorry you are having such a hard time...take a deep breath, and be thankful for your children, and then think about what's best for all of you. it sounds like your husband doesn't expect you to stand up for yourself...you may not be able to avoid an argument, but for yours and your kids' sakes, you need to tell him what your expectations are. don't back down in order to avoid an argument, because you will be dwelling on it on the inside anyway, and then it only festers and gets worse. if you feel that you two still love each other, then he should want to work things out...if not, you may be happier apart...and as hard as that would be, so would going on like this...which by the way isn't the type of family life you want your kids to see as healthy or normal...but you have to stand up for what you want...make him hear your feelings, even if it's easier to write in a letter...and give him time to digest it...and then ask him what he intends to do to meet you half way, to make this work...good luck

Hi J.,
If i were in your shoes i would tell him how i feel and i would get my own account so i would have money that my sister-in-law wouldn't have access to and see how he like's that. I pretty much always speak my mind and so does my husband so maybe you should try and do the same it might help.

Jen, Hi I'm so sorry for your delimma. I too am in a hopeless marriage. I endure it because of our daughter who is the world to me , let me tell about my situation...My spouse is seven years older than me...first marriage for him..second marriage for me... He took a position in Atlanta which started march of 2007. Which meant I had to resign from my job as a nurse at the hospital I worked at for seven years!!! My daughter had to be taken out of her school and start in a new school in another state when the school year only had two months left!!! How selfish is that!!!! That isn't the sad part he decided he did not like the position he moved us over here to take after only six months!!!!!!!!!!! It took me 5 months to find fulltime job as a nurse that paid comparable to what I mad in Austin. Texas. We ended up buying a house here in Loganville, GA. We are in an excellent school district and Destiny, our daughter is excelling in her new school.... He decided to take a trip back to Texas the weekend of our 7th anniversary!!!! He has ED so sex is virtually none existant although he thinks everything is fine. keeps apologizing for the failed ability to satisfy in bed and keeps saying I'm going to the doctor...well after 2 years it has yet to happen. We are just existing here...I love my new job and Destiny loves her new school and this is I must admit the best home we have ever owned. But like I say i never hear the words I Love you..never get a hug and kisses and just no affection period. I get more of a boost from small acts of kindness i get from strangers than I do from the person I married. He calls me sefish because i do not contribute more of my paycheck towards the mountain of debts he has created. Did I mention we still won owr 2 other house back in TX. They have renters in them though but guess who is responsible for the property taxes. He quit a perfectly terrific job payin 90K a year to persue a home based business that has yet to produce an income sufficient to that which we moved here for in the first place. I am sick and tired of moving around to satisfy some man. I love my daughter and I endure so that she can have per parents under the same roof. So far she has not picked up on the sour relationship her parents are in but she is only 8.... I know you are looking for solution for your situation...out situations are somewhat similiar...so if you like to e-mail and get somethings off yoyr chest I am all ears..... That's why Im so glad I found this site...always someone to listen and give advice...
Take care and God Bless ,
Sandy H.

Hi J.,

I fully understand more than you know... just a few differences - my spouse of 22+ years biggest asset is that he does love me, mine, and our children, he doesn't drink, party - however he does love to gamble (my words) - he is self employed and a school bus driver - very self centered. The self employment is a junk-trading type business - which comes to not much income because it is to me a gambling business (took after his granddad - it is how he made a living in the old days). My income is 2/3's more than his except on occasion he makes a big sell. So where your husband works too much and gives you little in many ways - my husband works little in my eyes, and gives little too! I say this to summarize what I could go on and on about... we could enjoy a huge pity party... however, that will not solve the problem - my first advice is what my mama once told me ... Do you love him? If so, do the good times out weigh the bad?... Truthfully? If not, leave or throw him out... it won't get better... If you are like me, you can take so much and then you crash - it sounds as if you are crashing... My personal advice is when you are at your lowest as it seems you are... pray this prayer... Please Lord, make me the wife and mother you would have me be, and please Lord make ?SpouseName? the husband and father you would have him be... Short and simple but with a wealth of meaning... when you are feeling this low that prayer will help you more than any I know... keep praying this prayer daily, hourly, if needed - cry it out if needed. I can't promise you that all will take a 180 degree turn around at once but you will see changes in you and your spouse over time with this prayer. This is the hard part - you can work on yourself and your attitude, but as you said you can't change your spouse - but you can pray for the Lord to work in him and yourself. For the Lord to help you, to build you into the wife your spouse needs, and for him to become the spouse you need.

The change won't happen overnight, if you pray this prayer continously - through the good and bad times - you will eventually look back and say WOW! something has changed - when did that happen??? It may be small changes, but enough small changes can reap many rewards. Look for the positive in him - he is a hard worker outside the home?

The sister at the bank thing - you seem paranoid - she can't take money from the account that you or your husband doesn't authorize. If your name is on the account you could press charges if so...so don't sweat the small stuff I can imagine it isn't helping your relationship at all...

M.
mother of 4 - 22+ yrs in 2nd marriage. Twins 26 yrs old, from first marriage. 18 yr old and 16 yr old.

But if you truly can say that you don't love him, or just can't put up with him any longer - then get out now! Don't wait... I will say that I don't advocate divorce once a child is in the picture - you will never be totally rid of the father... so with this prayer you can depend on the Lord - don't waste your energy trying to find ways for retribution -look at ways you can help yourself - my favorite saying is "Don't Go There..." when my mind starts wandering into self destruction. It sounds like you are spiralling into depression. I have also found that writing a letter to my spouse rough draft for venting and finished product for sharing my needs of him - be careful... the wording is very crucial not to be blaming... Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus is a great book for this... I communicate better on paper since I can critique my words for hidden agendas..

Good Luck and best wishes! Hang in there either way!

J., I am an attorney, but besides that I was married to a man who took me for granted and it was not a good example for my daughters so I decided to leave. However, physically leaving is not the only choice. I would suggest that you stop catering to your husband and that means no more sex until he can recognize that you have emotional needs. Become your own woman. You have your hands full taking care of two children, particularly when you are not well. When he asks for or demands marital relations, just tell him that you cannot continue to have relations when you feel neglected emotionally. Demand that he see a marriage counselor or your minister. Go on a marital retreat. Go see the movie Fireproof with him. Maybe he will get the hint. But continuing to be the good little wife and holding your resentment inside will just aggravate your health issues. Don't let the years go by in sadness and depression because it will effect the emotional well being of your children and that is unfair to them as well. A good woman deserves a good man. Good luck....Cathy

Hi J.,
I am always sad to her about these situations. Remember that you are not alone! I am so glad that you wrote in to Mamasource to get support and advice. First, I think we have probably all been overwhelmed and tired with a new baby. The adjustments and lack of sleep are huge which, in turn, magnifies everything else. I remember after I had our first daughter and my husband and I argued...I cried and cried because my mind just went to OMG I am going to be on my own with this baby...any argument caused great fear for me. I would like to suggest Dr. Robin Smith's book, Lies at the Alter, the Truth About Great Marriages. She is on Oprah's XM radio show. She is so wonderful and I believe can help you with the right way to bring up your concerns with your husband that is respectful and honoring. This is definitely one of her strengths and I marvel at how she does it. You can email her from oprah.com and possibly even talk with her. Are you doing anything for yourself that brings you joy? This too is important. As women and mothers we tend to put ourselves last. I am glad that you get time while your mother watches your daughter. Remember too, some husbands are just not that into babies, if you are feeling that he is not showing enough interest or support. He may just not be confident enough to feel that he can care for her. My husband was always abit uneasy with my daughters until they were older. He still loved them, he just was abit afraid that he couldn't do it. Keep praying and reaching out for help. I am believing it will all work out. Take care and remember that you are not alone. God bless you and your family.
M.

Hi J.,

I promise not to reply with a long answer... Oh my gosh, this is really hard! But since you pray and need breakthrough- have you tried fasting with your prayers? Also, please see a chiropractor for your arthritis and Crohn's disease. I would impose on him about putting your name on your bank account and dont worry about not having an argument- HAVE AN ARGUMENT and dont let up until your name is on that account. There is nothing wrong with an argument. God bless you!

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Having a baby can be very demanding on a marriage. Our minister gave us a great book when we were going through premarital counseling with him. Whenever we hit a rough spot in our marriage we go back to it. It helps us get on the same page and understand each others needs/expectations. Each of you read a chapter and then do the discussion at the end of the chapter and then there is a take action together section. I hope this helps you out.

The book is called Starting your Marriage Right: What you need to know and do in the early years to make it last a lifetime by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

J., I will keep you in my prayers. Your husband is using you and I can tell by your letter you understand that. Money and dismissal about the way youre feeling is about lack of respect or even control. Counseling is certainly the way to go. If he refuses you may need to make some tough choices. Living in a situation that makes you feel like you could explode inside is not good for your physical health or your emotional health and believe it or not its also not good for your spiritual health. God wants you to have the desires of your heart. Keep praying that God will reveal himself to your husband and help him to be the husband you need but be prepared for the answer that comes. Things will change in your life bec. you asked for it. God will also make himself clearer to you as you seek him.
Having your mother take the children is a great idea to give yourself a break. Dont feel guilty about it. They will only gain from having a bond with her.
Arguing is not all bad. Sometimes its the only way you can get your emotions out just dont let him control the argument. You need to be heard. thats why you feel like you are dying. Counseling will help that and even if he doesnt want to go... you go. It will help strengthen you.
I do want to caution you a little about the money issue. You are bringing money into the home and yet dont have access to it. That is a red flag. You might consider putting some money aside for yourself in the event that you need it some day. Who knows you may end up saving it for a rainy day and never need it for anything else.
Sometimes we stay in a place we know we shouldnt be bec. we dont want to feel as if we have failed. Dont let that be a reason to stay in a bad situation. Also dont let your children be the reason you stay. Stay bec. above all else you believe he is the only one for you and you for him. God will take care of the rest. The process to healing can be a long journey sometimes. Keep praying. God bless

J.. R, my advice to you is to pray and ask God to change your husband and your situation because prayer changes things, but also God gave us a back bone, common sense and the strength to endure the trails in our life. But you have to think about your Health, your Happieness and the happieness and the well being of your children and more importantly peace of mind so you will not get stressed and you can heal. We are all human and we make mistakes especially if we did not consult God before making our move to bring individuals into our lifes who should not be there. Love is strong and beautiful, considerate, healthy, helpful, selfless, gentle, happy and kind if you do not have those things re-evaluate your situation and make a change for the better. Hope this helps D

Ok I have read everyone's response and for the most part i agree with them. You need to let him know that you are going to be one the bank account. (just to let you know that if you think your sister in law is looking at your account you can talk to the bank manager and she if she is can be in Big trouble because that is not allowed) You should find an good church home were you both can enjoy the service and services offered. You need to tell your husband that you are going to counseling with or with out him. Remember that you can not make him change the only one who can do that is God and you need to pray that he will change you (yes I know that is the hard part we all think that we are ok and that your spouse need to change and made it is us who need to make some of the changes) I will pray for you and your family please keep us posted and let us know how things are going for you.

Your Sister in Christ
S.

I TRUST AHAT ALL WILL BE WELL. Have you considered that some of your health issues may be caused by your emotional issues? Perhaps, the two of you, your husband and yourself, will find a marriage counselor that can help you navigate your marital concerns. You will need to decide for yourself what is important for you and what you are willing to live with. Think about your life next year or five years from now if you continue on this path, will this current situation work for you. Is your husband a Christian? Good Luck!!!

The first suggestion I would make, since you are a Christian, is to ask your mother to keep both of your children and take your husband to see the movie Fireproof. My husband and I saw it last week and it was phenomenol. We are not having marital difficulties but we have a three year old and an enormous amount of stress in our lives at this time. The movie helped us refocus and value each other as God intended for us to. I would encourage you to gingerly invite him out on a date night and buy the tickets ahead of time so he cannot change his mind or yours. Take time for yourselves and if the movie blesses your marriage as it did mine, he will be willing to view his part in the relationship.