Help with Sleeping!

Hi M.,

I agree with Caryn F who responded on Jan 4. My 8 month old daughter sleeps through the night. I used the same technique. She is able to fall asleep by herself and fall back asleep if she wakes up in the middle of the night. A really good book is "Happy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Marc Weissbluth. You can find it on Amazon.com. Good luck.

M.,
Get a baby sling and carry your baby around all day. Sleep with her at night. She needs the human touch right now to grow and prosper. Treasure the short time you will be able to do this! Read www.askdrsears.com for additional great advice by someone who has a bunch of kids.
Best wishes,
K.

Hi
I have two kids with seperation problems. Currently they are 2 and 1.
What we have done is put both their beds in our bedroom. When our son turns 3 he will be in his own room.
We have the 2 yr old on my side of the bed. In his toddler bed.
We bring over the crib for our 1 yr old next to my husband. And if all else fails. She climbs in bed with us and gets nursed. She will sit and play for some time. But when she decided that she didn't want to go to bed this morning. I got up. So my day started an hr early today. :)

Unfortunately, the only thing that worked for us and everyone else I have read about (that now has children that sleep well) is to stick with a bedtime routine, and let them cry it out. It is so hard, but that transition phase only lasts a little while before they learn to go sleep on their own and sleep through the night...which means you get to sleep through the night and can be a better wife and mommy because of it. Children need to learn how to sleep through the night. They can learn how to sleep through the night, and go to sleep on their own, but they can't learn if we don't give them the opportunity. Is it hard? Yes. So are so many other things we are going to have to do because it is the right thing for our child. I felt like a horrible mother sometimes during the transition, but you know what, my daughter is so much calmer and contented now. Naptimes and bedtimes aren't a big deal to her anymore. There isn't a struggle or screaming or any frustration. We have a routine for naps, and a similar routine for bedtime. My daughter gets her pacifier only at naps/bedtime, so she gets to suck on that while I rock her for a few minutes, and then I lay her down while she is content but still awake. She goes to sleep on her own, without a single tear shed. Besides both of us getting a good night sleep, it is easier to know if something is wrong now. Before, if she was crying or screaming, I didn't know if it was just because she didn't want to be alone or felt like she was missing something, or because she was overtired, or in pain, or thirsty, or didn't feel good, or something else. Now when she wakes up in the middle of the night or has trouble going to sleep, I know something is wrong and it is easier to fix it and make her happy. Plus, I have my sanity back. That's worth more than gold!! =)

I'm sure you have heard of the shut the door and don't go back in no matter what method. I don't know that it has to be that extreme. I kind of did a variation. I would go through the bedtime routine and lay her down, and then give her a few minutes before I went back in there if she was still crying (started out with 5, moved up to 10, etc. as the days went on). When I went back in, I gradually changed from picking her up/rocking her to just rubbing her back and speaking to her. Obviously, if I thought there was something wrong with her (pain, teething, thirsty, whatever) I would go in and try to fix it. Of course, my way takes a little longer (took about 3 weeks, I think), but it was a bit gentler. On the other hand, sometimes the "rip the bandaid off quickly" type works faster and better. You'll have to decide for yourself.

I honestly have not heard of a better method that actually works. My daughter has no problems going down for naps or bedtime, and rarely wakes up during the night. I get a good night sleep, and I feel like I can be more attentive to her and am a better mom because of it, and my daughter is a very happy girl. The sooner you do it, the sooner you get your sanity back, and the sooner she learns good sleep habits.

Good luck. You can do it. I suggest starting with naps first if they are a problem, and then move on to bedtime.

Do you ever leave her during the day or evening to just get out with your husband or a friend?? I think that that would be very important. I can say that I think that it's a stage. My son was definately more clingy around that age. Are you opposed to sleeping with her?? If you can't handle letting her cry, then you might be stuck. I'm not trying to talk you into anything that you don't want to do, but as hard as it is to see/hear our babies cry I think that it's important to remember that this is the only way they have to communicate. It seems so horrible because they get so upset (which I'm sure they are), but it's because at first they don't know what's going on. We condition them to know that when they cry, we'll be there to pick them up. They stop when they realize that that's not going to happen -- I wasn't going to let my little guy "cry it out" either and then I just got too tired and it was either him crying or me losing my mind. Good Luck!! I hope that you're able to stick to your original decision and you don't ever have to let her "cry it out"!!

OMG Mindy I'm so glad you posted this! I don't have any suggestions for you but I'm having a similar problem w/my 10 mos. old! :( She's great during the day but horrible at night. AND won't go down for naps till she can't keep her little eyes open. Now that she stands in her crib it's worse! Well, I don't have to tell you that. She gets up every night and wants to sleep in my arms but as soon as I put her down she's right back up looking for only me! UGH! Hopefully you and I can get some sleep soon!

Good luck!
S.

Hi M.,

I absolutely do *not* agree with others who say cry-it-out is the only way that works. So please don't feel pressured by the typical "just let 'em cry it out" mantra that is so popular in our culture. Also, good for you that you recognize and respect your mothering instinct (to respond to your baby)! I think our current culture encourages us to go against our mothering instincts too much these days.

It's always helpful to remember that each developmental stage of each baby may require a different approach to get a good "sleep groove" going. For many babies, cry-it-out doesn't work at all or may work for a while but then needs to be redone every few weeks/months. At any rate, you have other options - there are gentle methods to help you both get more sleep.

Also, 9 months old is VERY YOUNG! Think of all the reasons why a baby might cry, (again, because this is their only means of communication!)... hunger, pee/poop/gas, teething pain, lonely, scared, cold, growth spurt/growing pains, etc. I seriously think that "manipulate my mom & dad" are NOT at the top of a 9 month old's list of reasons to cry. Many 9 month olds are of prime teething age, which can be really painful! If I were that little, didn't understand why my whole mouth, jaw, ears, and head were throbbing and aching, you bet I'd be crying at night too. AND wanting to be held, rocked by, or sleeping near a compassionate, loving parent who could comfort me. I think many adults would be really upset if they were in pain or scared in the night but their spouse just left them to cry by themselves. Also, many are 9 month olds are learning to crawl, stand, or cruise, so their bodies & brains are full of this brand new skill, causing more wakefulness.

Here is a great site that provides reasonable information on sleep (takes into account different approaches to sleep, the fact that babies have unique personalities, etc.) - I think Moxie really does better than most "sleep specialists" in terms of providing helpful information and strategies:
http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/2006/06/babies_and_cio.html
http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/2006/02/qa_what_are_sle.html

Many say that sleep begets more sleep, so a good, consistent bedtime ritual is a great place to start. Being able to recognize her sleepy signs is important, too, so that you can make sure she's not getting overtired (which often results in less sleep, not more, resulting in an even more exhausted baby). Many, many moms like the approach of Elizabeth Pantley's "The No Cry Sleep Solution" which allows you to create an individual sleep plan tailored to your needs and those of your child (instead of a one-size-fits-all approach, which rarely works). Another book is Kim West's "Good Night, Sleep Tight" which allows for some flexibility and more gentle strategies than the simplistic "leave them to just cry it out" method (the most extreme forms of this). Lastly, Dr. Jay Gordon (pediatrician) has written a great book called "Good Nights" in which many different families share their strategies for sleeping/cosleeping (either in the same bed, or w/ a sidecar or crib in the same room). And here are 2 articles from his website which might be helpful to you:

Changing The Sleep Pattern In The Family Bed
http://drjaygordon.com/development/ap/sleep.asp

How I Gently Transitioned My Son Into His Own Room
http://drjaygordon.com/development/ap/gentletranstition.asp

Best of luck to you - I hope you all get more sleep, and soon! :)

Saw this update with a similar situation and hoped it would help:

From: Stacey L Date: Tue. Jan. 02, 2007 My son is 18 months old. He has never been a good sleeper, and it is really starting to wear me down. In order to get him to sleep, I have to sit next to his crib and hold his hand. Even after I get him to sleep he wakes up in 3-4 hours and will not go back to sleep unless I am holding him. I work full time and so the only way I get any sleep is if I bring him in bed with me. I get more sleep this way, but it is definately not "quality" sleep. We have decided to try letting him cry it out. I have tried this in the past, but it seemed like he would scream forever. How long do I let him cry and when do I know enough is enough?

A little about me:

I am the mother of a 18 month old little boy. My husband and I have been married for 2 years. My husband and I both work full time.

So What Happened?™
Thank you everyone for your advice! The first night I put him to bed he cried for 10 minutes, then I went in his room, didn't say anything and layed him back down. I rubbed his back for a minute and walked away again. He cried for another 5 minutes and then went to sleep. During the night he woke up about every 2 hours and I did the same routine of not saying anything and rubing his back. It was a very tough night. Last night when I put him to bed he only cried for about 5 minutes. He didn't wake up again until 4:00 am. I did the same routine and he went right back asleep. So this method is working! I don't believe that it is "wrong" to let your child cry it out. If he was a couple months old it would be a different story. When your child cannot soothe himself it not only affects you and your sleep, but also the child's sleep (not to mention your sex life!). As for the trust issue, he trusts me, but he needs to trust himself and have the confidance that he doen't need Mommy holding his hand to get to sleep. I believe that I am making the right choice, thanks again!!!

As much as you may not want to hear this, she knows exactly what she's doing. You are going to have to let her scream it out. I have worked in childcare for 9 yrs, have nannied, also and am a mother, myself. Children are very smart! She has already figured you out and knows that by screaming you will cater to her every need. It feels like you're being"a bad mom" by listening to her scream, but it can be much worse by not doing so. She's learning to be demanding and to always get her way, already. Children who I have watched grow at the child care center where I work often are the same in elementary school as I remember them being in the infant room. There is a group I literally moved room to room with from infant to younger toddler to older toddler to preschool to school age. They are 8 years old now and pretty much have the same mannerisms as when they were very young - around 1 year of age. It is amazing because working with so many children, you can tell most of the time how they are parented by their reactions to their surroundings. I am not saying you are wrong for feeling like this is not an option - I know how you feel. It is hard being a mother - very trying at times. But it is also VERY rewarding to find that staying strong and sticking to your decisions payed off. Just find a solution and stick to it. Talk with your Pediatrician for options they have seen work. I hope this helped you more than hindered. Good luck and stay strong!

I agree with others that 9 months old is too young for the "let them cry" method. Give that some more time since she is still an infant. Because they are young enough to still be afraid of being alone or there could be a real reason for the crying. What worked with my daughter was to put her down close to me but not touching. Stay within eyesight and talk to her or sing to her. A "playpen" is great for this. Just sit her in there with a few toys or baby books that she enjoys and sit/stand close to interact with her from there. When she is distracted with her toys/books, take a few steps away but keep talking. Eventually, she'll get used to you not being right there holding her. It will take some time and maybe some frustration, but you'll get there. As for the nighttime problem, my husband went to her at night to comfort her. He would pat or rub her back while talking very quietly. Only if she was really upset would he pick her up. Do not let her see you or hear you during this time, just let him do it. She will accept the comfort from him because she needs it and you're not there so he will do(not meaning that in a negative way). This in the end will be great for teaching her that mommy is NOT the only person that can please her and comfort her and will go a long way toward fixing the daytime "clinging". This is so important. I love being a SAHM and I wouldn't trade it for anything but our babies have to accept others for comfort sometimes because even the greatest moms need a little time to be women and not just moms.

Hi M.,
Do you breastfeed your little one? I nursed my son and he was (and still is) very attatched to me. He also didn't sleep through the night until, literally, the day I stopped nursing him. He was one year by then.
Yes, it gets a bit much, having this little person cling to you. Try to remember that she needs you, wants you, and is developing a bond. She won't always be at your hip so enjoy it. I couldn't bear the cry it out method, either. Don't beat yourself up. You are doing something right!
Best of luck,
G.

I've been there too, my oldest daughter was the same way, and I just had to make myself make her do it. We still deal with it to some extent today and she is 5 yrs., it is definately much better! I joined a community center and left her in the day care so I could work out. I literally had to peel her off of me , I would walk out go to the bathroom till I could stop crying, then try to work out for a few minutes before they came to get me because she wouldn't stop crying. I imagine she was around 10-12 months at the time. Gradually though she got used to the play room and even though leaving her there was always traumatic, she would calm down and play for longer periods. We did the same thing with Sunday school and then preschool. The most important thing I learned was that if you are going to force that issue, the quicker you drop them off and get out the door the better. Very hard to do but truly, truly for the best, the longer you stay the more worked up they get and then of course you too.
Well, good luck, pick a plan of action and stick with it it will get better, it just takes time.

hi, my name is A. and i have a 8 month old. i did the letting her cry it out and yes it hurt but i had to do it or she would be attached also. i know how you feel! do you have a walker, play area, or try giving her a nice long warm bath or shower, if you feel comfortable. i know it makes my daughter pass out!! as for during the day i would try to give her more things to do. you have to get your time to your self to. i know i go crazy from time to time to!!!

Hi M.! My 28 yr old daughter is having the same problem with her 9 month old daughter right now! I have been warning her for ahile now that keeping her in constant contact with her all these months would make it harder for her later! First of all, you should know that 9 mos is the prime time for babies to go through the seperation anxiety. I raised 5 of my own, and also spent years working in the nursery at church, and would regularly have babies come in who normally had no difficulty being left, but suddenly about this age , they would have a fit and cry to have their moms. It is because they are going through a reall development stage. (learning to be more independant by crawling and exploring their world) They are more aware of other things and people than they were before, so it is a bit overwhelming to them and they get their security by being near you. Obviously you have been a grea comfort to her and because you are a SAHM which I applaud, you probably aren't apart from her much if any. Start with putting her down near you with a toy or familiar blanket or stuffed animal. Move away from her and busy yourself while staying within eyeshot. From time to time, call to her in a cheerful voice to reassure her of your presence. Gradually begin leaving her sight only briefly, returning to let her see you often. Eventually you will be able to comfort her w/ just your voice from the next room. For bedtime, I suggest starting with naptime when you are not so tired and stressed yourself. You MUST allow her to fuss a little. (all of us need a little fuus time to let out our stress!) Find a stuffed animal or blanket that she seems to like. Put it near her when you lay her down. Play some soft music. Gently rubb her back or pat her. If she fusses to have you pick her up, DON"T! If you are right there she has your presence and that is enough. Little by little she should be able to transfer some of her need for comfort to having the blanket and just the music. You will actually be "weaning" her. Don't think this is not being loving. It is being what she needs you to be and that is love! Trust me, there will be MANy times that what she WANTS from you and what she NEEDS from you will be two different things, and this is the beginning of YOU learning how to be the mom she needs. When she wakes up during the night do not feed her or she will be hungry every night at the same time and keep waking up. Just pat her back and turn on her music or whatever comforts her and do not take her in your bed. Leave her to fuss awhile, just close the door if you need to block it out. This is not mean. This is teaching her that nightime is for sleeping. You and your husband need your bedtime to be uninterruppted. If you do not get your sleep, you will not be at your best for her in the daytime. If you do not have your intimacy, you may not have happy home to raise her in! Sometimes love must be a little tough. She and you will be happier...