Help with Sassy Two-year-old

I used the "model politeness, always remind them to show manners, and immediately remove for discipline if they refuse" approach, and I've got three polite kids, including my 2 1/2 year old. Yes, sometimes one of them will need prompting (your daughter won't do it on her own all the time at 2-or even 4!), but they know refusing is not allowed, or fits or anything else. They were "forced" to react appropriately until it became their own habit.

When I couldn't get instant compliance with them being polite to someone in that moment in public or whatever, I would only ask once, and discipline as soon as I could after the fact with calm explanation as to why the discipline was occurring. I would also say to the person they were rude to, "I am so sorry she is being rude, she knows better than that". This was a huge red flag to my kids who KNEW some follow up was imminent when I had to apologize for them, and it was a good preface to the explanation and consequence after the fact to clarify it. In addition to the direct consequences of thier decision to be rude, at other times, we would discuss respect and manners and they were always praised for good ones.

Yes, there will be the rare embarrassing moment when your attempt at getting them to be polite is ignored and you feel bad, but 99% of the time they will do the right thing if the alternative is not OK with them. You need a firm, effective deterrent, or you'll have one of those bratty kids who is rude to people. They're pretty common! Good work getting serious about this. Alone time isn't very unpleasant though, she may not care enough to stop that behavior if that's her only consequence.

I think it's better to prompt them and enforce, then to "give up" and not make them claiming "it's not genuine anyway if I make them" like some people do. IMO that's not confronting the situation. No kids voluntarily do it. Good manners are taught and enforced.

Hi Hollly, I've got a bit of advice that we were given that I'd love to pass on. Mind you my kids are no longer young...they're 15, 17, 18 and 19 years old, but we did have some great advice when they were younger that we are sooo glad we heeded! Now, we have 4 teenagers and we thoroughly enjoy each one of them. they are fun, communicative and engaging. the older 3 are boys and the youngest a girl.
One piece of advice we received was "teach them right the first time because its a lot easier to train than to retrain". Look at what they are doing today and see if you could handle it on a 7, 10 or 16 year old. If not, correct it now. Another piece of advice was "make the punishment greater than the enjoyment of the sin". whatever the punishment, discipline or consequence for wrong is, it needs to be greater than whatever they are doing that is unacceptable.
On to your question. At one point we noticed with our second son that he was being incredibly rude to my mom. It later happened with my daughter although he was 2-ish and she was more like 10. With both of them my husband and I did a self check of our own hearts and lives and discovered that it was my fault. I was being disrespectful of my mom (mostly gossiping about her when we weren't around her) and as is almost always the case, our kids see our sins (however small) and take them to new and incredible heights. When I see something in my kids that I can't stand, it is usually a trait in myself that I've fought to correct and have failed at! In this case I corrected my behavior toward my mom and the rudeness in them disappeared.
finally, don't expect preschool to clear up your daughters bad behavior. It is more likely that you will start a constant up hill battle to "retrain" her each night to get rid of all the annoying things she'll bring home from preschool. I'd keep her home and home school if I were you! How many mom's with 4 teenagers (or any teenagers!) do you know that the kids still love their folks and their siblings, are kind to old people and little kids and are a ton of fun to be around? I'd do it all again if given the chance. no regrets! Best wishes!
K.

With my son I had to come to the conclusion that I can't make him be polite, but I can stop giving him attention when he's rude. It doesn't do much good to force them to say Thank You or I'm Sorry if they do not actually mean it. We used to try to coax him into doing it, but we were typically unsuccessful (meaning he had all the control) and it just makes your guests uncomfortable to see a big scene, especially if it still results in a rude child. As far as the presents go, if it were me, I would have prompted him once to say thank you and if he refused then I would say "That's fine, if you aren't grateful for the present then we will put it aside to give to someone who will appreciate it." He doesn't get to play with it. End of discussion. Usually this results in a tantrum, which results in a time out.

From what you say, she knows what she is supposed to do and she knows you can't make her do it, so she's seeing what she can get away with. I would simply set up consequences that you think are appropriate for rude behavior, like having alone time, and then enforce it consistently without much discussion. She will get tired of sitting in her room and you'll feel less stressed about it if there are a particular set of consequences and a response that she always gets. No pleading, no yelling, no attention, just consequences.

I think this is totally normal. It's one of our lessons on how we can't "make" our kids do anything, really. Continue modeling what you want to see and talking about why it's important. I personally don't want to override my kids' own signals that tell them when they're uncomfortable with certain people.

My kids are now older. Recently, I had an appointment and my kids came along. "I don't like that guy. He's creepy," one of them said. I did not scold for being impolite because he wasn't right there. She NEEDS to be able to express that kind of thing. I just said, "OK, well no need to tell him that. Just stick close to me so you feel safe."

At 2 she is still learning what's expected socially. She's probably not trying to be impolite, but she's learning, experimenting, and observing. Gently set your boundaries and don't be embarrassed if she isn't acting like a little adult. Examine if it's OTHER adults with these expectations of her, too. Focus on your daughter and not their expectations.

Inspired just did a class on Positive Parenting that helps parents increase the behaviors they want to see and decrease the others. Another will be scheduled in April, most likely.
http://www.inspiredabq.com

Good luck!

At this age, your daughter is really testing you to see where the boundaries are. She is exploring her independence, and learning about choices and consequences. Even at this age, she can learn that her choices have consequences. When she makes a good choice, good consequences follow. When she makes a bad choice, bad consequences follow. Decide what that consequence will be in advance, so that you can enforce it immediately.

She can also learn that when she makes good choices, she will be happier.
Try to catch her being good, or look for when she behaves with respect, and compliment her on that behavior. That way she will learn the behavior that is expected.

In our house we have three rules (that really can be used for any situation): Respect others, respect yourself, and respect our belongings. In this case, she is not being respectful of others. But if you stick with enforcing a consequence every time she acts this way, and she will eventually learn that she is happier when she makes good choices.