Help with My 14 Yr Old

Updated on January 30, 2009
D.B. asks from Thousand Oaks, CA
17 answers

My 14 yr old dtr has always struggled with her grades. I do not believe it is because she doesn't get her work, but more of her not apllying herself. She has always gotten at least 1 d w/c's & maybe a b in a class she enjoys. I have done just about everything i can to motivate her to want to get better grades & not settle for less. I have even put her on restrictions like not allowing her to go out w/friends or have company. I have even taken away other things such as computer priviledges, ipod, cell phone (permanently now), etc. She now is getting c-'s & c's. She is in college prep classes. I have even sat down with her every evening ensuring her work gets done, i have stayed in contact with teachers, but then she begins to slack off again. Then when it's about a week or 2 before report cards come out she tries to make up her work last minute. It's hard for me to understand why she is not motivated. Other than her low grades she doesn't give me any problems at all. I talked to her counselor who advised me that this is normal, but it's not for me. When i was in school, i was a b/a student. My parents never helped me with work nor had to ask if i did my work. It was automatic that i came home & did it myself. I took pride in it & would not dare think about settling for anything less than a b. Any advice?

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S.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

My daughter is 12 year old in 7th grade. She has always had A's with an occasional B until this year. The biggest problem is Social Studies. I always had straight A's and never struggled with studying, but it does not come as easily to her. The only thing I can do is help her when needed and tell her that as long as she does her best that is all that we can ask. She got a D on a SS test one day and was mortified! HOwever, she got a B+ in the class that quarter because of all the other work she does so well. We have learned that she is not the best test taker so we put the emphasis on the projects, etc. That takes the stress off of worrying about the test and she is doing better now taht she has relaxed about it. You can't expect her to do the same as you did and you certainly don't want to do the old "I did this and don't understand why you can't" that some parents do. Youo are doing so much already. It may just be her personality.

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H.A.

answers from Santa Barbara on

You know, it kind of sounds like me as a teen. I was a smart kid in all of the highest level classes. I got B's/C's but could have easily gotten all A's with some sternness from my parents. The problems was, I was a little smarter than they were (book smart, anyway) and so they already thought I was doing a good job by being in the high classes. In retrospect, I wish they had pushed me a lot harder and expected more from me. Most kids aren't like you, diligent and prideful. They are lazy and want to go have fun with their friends! I don't think taking away privleges would have helped me. I think the only thing that would have helped me is someone sitting me down and aknowledging that I was smarter than that and it wouldn't be stood for. If you're up for it, try being really tough on her and pushing her hard. I wish someone had done it for me.

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M.B.

answers from Los Angeles on

My daughter also struggled at that age. She also was getting very discouraged and "hated" school. She couldn't wait to finish high school because she was NEVER going to college. We let her go down to standard classes midway through her freshman year and she is now getting all A's & B's with out all the struggling. She now is a senior and on the honor roll and planning on going to Moorpark before transfering to a 4 year college. My point is high school is just that high school. Let her have a small break with her grades at C's & D'd she isn't going to get into a Big college right off the bat anyways. My thinking was let them learn to enjoy school not hate it. Best of luck to you.
M.

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D.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

D.,

I come from a family of teachers, and for me and my sister, bad grades were not an option. My Mom worked very hard with us to teach us healthy study habits and create a afterschool routine that included homework and snack. We sat down at the kitchen table, got out our homework showed her what he had to do and then she would check our work after dinner and we'd talk about questions and stuff like that. We were allowed to do our homework in our rooms and be independent, but always were held accountable for not getting our work done. Losing of privelages is a good way to make your point, but it sounds to me like your daughter is not motivated at all.

Have you thought about getting her some tutoring? Sylvan learning centers are great, my sister went there when she was having issues with reading as a 3rd grader. Places like that are very stimulating and the one-on-one experience is great for kids who may feel like they are lost in the shuffle of big classrooms and teachers who don't have time.

If you are on a budget like the rest of us, go to your local school district office and ask about tutoring options. Usually, they have some kind of lab or can refer you to free or low cost tutors how can provide assistance.

It's tough being a teenager, and having to deal with social pressures and maintain your family life as well...I would sit down and talk to her. Ask her if she needs help...make sure she knows its okay to ask for help and that its encouraged. We can't work miracles but, sometimes with help we can get through tough times together.

Good Luck!

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S.H.

answers from Honolulu on

Each child is different... obviously, since being in college prep classes, I'm sure she is a smart girl. But, as you said, she is not 'motivated.'

Have you just had a heart to heart talk with her? See what is going on with her?

For me, my sister was always high achieving. Me, I was equally high achieving...but in a different way. I was more laid-back. ALSO though, my Mom was a 'brain'... and didn't understand me when I was not like her, or when I did not quickly understand something like she does...because to her, everything academic is so 'simple.' But growing up 'under' her, and not 'being' her... it was intimidating. And, I personally did not like doing my homework with her around because nothing was 'good enough.' So, then I wasn't as motivated. It was putting a damper on my eagerness. All the scorn or scolding I got, didn't do anything. Because, I just wanted her to APPRECIATE who I 'was.' Not trying to make me into like how she was in school- a Valedictorian. It was a lot of pressure, as a kid. I just tuned her out, basically. She didn't 'get' me.

Versus, my Dad, encouraged my interests... he always talked WITH me about me, and what floated my boat. With that approach... I really excelled. Because he was interested in me, not comparing me, really valued MY 'talents' and interests. And I could FEEL that from him. AND of course, my work ethic for homework and studying improved when HE worked with me on it. I knew he was 'impressed' with me no matter what. And he knew what made me tic.

So I got 2 different approaches, by my parents. One got me motivated, the other didn't.

especially at this age... things like this matter to a child. To a teen.

Just my experience, and what I went through at that age.

Good luck, I know it's not easy,
Susan

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J.N.

answers from Los Angeles on

Children learn in many different ways. And not every child can be a b or a student!! Don't project your experience on your child. Maybe she shouldn't BE in college prep classes, but just the regular classes. Talk to her about switching out of prep classes. Also, see what kinds of things interest her and see if there are electives to help her along. My niece (now 19) was the same way, she was super smart, but just sucked at school. She's not almost finished with cosmetology school and is doing many side jobs on the movie sets of the local college's film department. And she is not only doing SUPER WELL, but making amazing contacts and is really becoming successful.
Another family friend of ours hated regular classwork and would skip school all the time. He was in danger of failing his academic classes. No matter how much time and energy his mom put into his education, he couldn't care less. What he DID love doing was welding and physical activity. He's not in the Navy and has been accepted into their elite SEAL squad...

All I'm saying is that your daughter is not you 17 years ago! She probably has her own style of learning. Your job is to figure out what it is and how you can help her achieve her personal goals and dreams!

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D.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

Two things come to mind. Does your daughter have any reading issues? Being a slow reader can tank grades across the board. It is also a real deterrent to wanting to study. The other thing is does she have something that really spikes her interest? If you focus on that full bore it may make her more motivated in general. My Nephew was a very intelligent kid, but got poor grades until his junior year in high school because he would not do repetitive work. His test grades where very high and he never, with out the most extreme pressure, did his home work. He got into the engineering club at school and started building robots. He loved it. In order to stay in it his grades had to be good. Therefore he never let his grades slip again. My daughter had poor grades until high school where she got interested in ASB. She has to have good grades to stay in and she manages to scratch her way to a b average for most of the past 3 years. I highly recommend a good tutor. However, my experience with sylvan was very negative and very costly. I have a very good private tutor for my kids. Finding a good tutor can be challenging, but well worth the effort.

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S.Z.

answers from Reno on

I was one of those "must get all A's" kids until I was about 16. Then, life seemed to get TERRIBLY complicated, and I firgured it was easier to let schoolwork slide than let the rest of my life go untended. Since I knew I did A work, I knew which teachers marked down 1/2 grade per day for late work, and which marked down a whole grade per day, and I'd turn it in so I still got a B or B-. It made my teachers and mom crazy, but didn't bother me too much.

She's probably thinking that her intelligence and knowledge are the important thing, and grades are not. To a point, she's right, but help her understand that she's preparing for a job and/or a family. At work or taking care of children, not doing something, doing it badly, or putting it off until the last minute can get her fired or have disastrous consequences at home (children can get hurt or choke to death, utilities are turned off, eviction, that sort of thing.) She probably needs to know WHY her schoolwork is important to HER LIFE, or she won't really care.

On another note, even though we will always, as humans, use our own experiences as a measuring stick, your daughter is not you. She never will be. You are not a copy of your own mother. Allow her some wiggle room to feel and react differently than you would have.

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C.S.

answers from Honolulu on

Hi D.,
It sounds like you are really staying on top of things - so my suggestion is to look at what your daughter is eating. I discovered when my son was 7 that he was more sugar sensitive than most kids. We limited sugar and things improved at school. In fifth grade the grades dropped sharply and we found out the teacher was allowing the kids to snack in class & kids were sharing their sweets with my son. Once snacking in class was banned - the grades went right back up. Also, in reflection, my grades were terrible when I was 14 - but I ate a bag of chips and drank a mountain dew for lunch everyday. The next year my best friend and I brought home lunch with us. The grades went up. I don't know if this may be a factor with your daughter, but I thought it worth mentioning. All the best!

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J.M.

answers from Los Angeles on

Hi D.:
You've received some excellent responses to your request.I especially appreciated and enjoyed those written by SH,J. N and Linda A. You may want to read those over again,as they provide important,sincere messages in them for you.One of the biggest mistakes a parent can make,is comparing A child to another sibbling,or yourself and your past accomplishments. Each and every time you remind them,you discredit their personal acheivements. Without realizing it,your coming across as disappointed in them and their individualality. Even if you say nothing, unconciously,you have dreams for her,and she sees by your actions,that shes not helping you realize those. Not every child is destined to be a scholar,or to go onto college. She's not a clone of her mother,shes A beautiful reflection of her parents.If she's attending prep courses for college,then shes mature enough to know what she needs to do,if indeed that's what she wants for (herself.) You standing over her,intimidating her, punishing her,taking privileges away,as though she were a child,angers her,and she will not cooperate,as long as you continue to treat her in this manner. Respect is earned. You want her to act like A young woman,and behave accordingly,yet your tactics, are those you would use on a 10 year old.Irene's response,suggesting taking away items such as make-up and clothes,or removing a bedroom door,is ludicrous, and extremely counter-productive.Stripping away ones pride,or depriving them of any personal privacy or freedom, I personally find a bit sadistic.(Cruel) It sounds like a nice, mother to daughter talk is way past due. You need to allow your daughter the freedom to be herself,Except who she is and back what ever choices she has made for her future.I thought I'd add a few names of those individuals, that didn't graduate,or went on to get their GED. Albert Einstein, failed his entrance exam to college, more than once. Peter Jennings,Dave Thomas,Wendy's founder. Bill Cosby,Bill Gates,(Microsoft). John Travolta,Mary Lou Retton,Michael J Fox,Joe Pesi,Nicolas Cage,Judge Grey Mathis,Quentin Tarantino,Waylon Jennings,Christian Slater,just to name a few.I wish you and your daughter the very best. J. M

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D.E.

answers from San Diego on

Hi D.,

Hooray for you for being such an involved mom. That is more than half of the battle. Is your daughter in high school yet, or eighth grade? Regardless, she is very close to making some choices with her grades that will either open or close doors after high school (as I'm sure you know).

I am a former high school teacher, and I don't think this is "normal" behavior for someone in "college prep" classes. What do her teachers say about her? Has she been tested for any kind of learning challenge? Most importantly, what does she say about her own learning?

Is your daughter involved with any extracurricular activities outside of school? Sometimes, these help--students of mine who had nothing to do after school were a lot less motivated than those who played a sport or had a regular hobby.

What is your daughter interested in doing for a living? I would help her research possible careers, take mini-field trips, and arrange for her to shadow friends in the workplace--especially find out what it takes to do those jobs--perhaps that will inspire her to apply herself, if that is truly the problem--the next four years will go by quickly, and if she doesn't have the skills necessary to compete in our economy, she will find herself very behind--since it's an employer's dream right now, with so many people being laid off. Your daughter could also do some volunteer work--like at an animal shelter or in a hospital--looks good on a college application or resume, and might inspire her in a future job (or, just as good, tell her what she doesn't want to do).

Lastly, are the "college prep" classes too hard for her? Does she feel intimidated by others in the class? Maybe you need more info...

I am sure this is frustrating for you, since you were such a good student. Not every kid is academically motivated, but every kid is capable of getting Cs and Bs at the very least--there should never be any Ds or Fs--those grades just mean you aren't trying at all.

Good luck to you!
D.

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L.R.

answers from Los Angeles on

For some kids this age is just hard and they want to be cool like their friends and getting good grades is not cool. Who are her friends and what are their grades like? Maybe she has a learning disablity? It could be mild and you just don't know. My oldest has dyslexia and was a huge roadblock when he was in Jr. High. Try a tutor. I have heard that Sylvan is expensive but they will figure out how to encourage your daughter. I don't now where you live but there are other companies out there. We went with a small company privately owned and it helped a lot. Also, talk to her. Does she have any outside interests? Maybe that would be a motivator too. Just some ideas. Good luck and don't give up but also don't beat yourself up.

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H.H.

answers from Los Angeles on

the only advice i can give would to talk to yourself first. realize that academics and school may not be your daughter's "thing". i'm guessing she probably has other talents whether discovered or not. as long as she is passing, you might have to accept that that is enough. maybe help her find where she is motivated - music, art, sports, whatever and help her learn to apply herself to something. i think you've tried almost every decent thing there is. my only other thing to maybe try is rewarding higher grades rather than punishing low ones. money always seems to work for teenagers or extra cell phone minutes or an outing of her choice. sometimes kids are just so tired of getting in trouble that they don't feel like there's anything to work for. we're having trouble with our 15 yr old right now similarly, just not with school. it sounds like she's smart enough to do the work coz she did bring her grades up some. maybe make that a great thing to have c's. next offer her an incentive for b's and see if she'll do it! good luck. and i keep telling myself this with teenagers - "this too shall pass"

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I.T.

answers from Bakersfield on

As long as it is not a learning issue, here are some other ideas on things you could do to "motivate her": Take away her make-up and favorite clothes, maybe even remove her bedroom door. I was having problems w/ my daughters and spoke to a truancy officer- these were his most specific suggestions. He says children feel a false sense of entitlement as in we, the parents, owe them anything and everything they want when all we are really responsible for is keeping them fed, clothed, and sheltered. Sounds tough but he even suggested taking away their beds if need be. He said especially with girls the clothes/make-up and privacy tends to hit home. One thing I have done before is having them eat "staple foods" only. I feel they should not be eating pizza and other foods they like/enjoy when what they're doing now will not allow them to eat that way as adults? They should get a taste of what their future will be like if they continue on that path.

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D.E.

answers from San Diego on

As a teacher, I'm having a hard time with the previous comment about teachers wanting "TOO much involvement from parents." Just exactly HOW is a parent too involved in their own children's lives? To me, that echoes one of the primary problems with education today, the apathy of parents. If you ask me, you are doing all the right things by being involved. I commend you on your concern and willingness to reach out. I dream of parents like you for all my students! Your involvement may not result in immediate effects, but it is something that will shape and mold her as a person, and determine her future. As a middle school teacher of 11 years, I can say that parent involvement is key. There is only so much a teacher can do with a class of 36 kids in 53 minutes a day. I really like the comment about focusing on the positive (think like a boss thinks). Make success non-negotiable; find ways to reward her when she is successful (both tangible and intangible). I was a lot like her in school. I was in advanced classes and had the intelligence, but just didn't apply myself. My parents were always involved. I went on to graduate college with honors, have a master's degree and a fulfilling career. Knowing that my parents stayed involved, cared, and were proud did not really sink in while I was in middle school and high school, but it led me to the person I am today. With your help, she will find her way.

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S.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

My 13YO is th exact same way. Personally, I think the teachers want us to be involved TOO much. That's just my opinion. My parents were immigrants, they could not help me with my homework, let alone anything for that matter and I was straight A's & honors all the way through.

I did however slack at practicing the piano. And, if my mother tried to put restrictions on my, that frustrated me even more.

I read somewhere about a person who worked with horses and how he explained that working so closely with horses made him understand how to deal with people so much more.

Horses are motivated by guidance and encouragement. And, I guess if we compare how we are treated at the work place, we always want our "bosses" to guide us with rewards, not punishment and beravement.

With that in mind, if you were your daughter's boss and not her mother, how would you motivate her to perform her job duties? Our boss' don't take away our allowance or give us a pay cut to force us to complete our work, right?

Anyway, it's NOT easy. But, it's a different way of thinking.

Good luck!

S.

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G.K.

answers from Santa Barbara on

Dear D.,

I feel your pain! After having two daughters who were great students, our third daughter was simply not a student. She really didn't care about school and did not work up to her ability at all. I tired EVERYTHING (as you have done). In the end, I decided nothing was working so I changed tactics. I realized that I was destroying our good relationship by getting on her case all the time. I realized that she was a really neat kid- she loved people and God and that was what really mattered. I wrote her a long letter. I told her how much I loved her and all the reasons she should take her learning responsibilites seriously. I told her that from then on things were going ot be different. I told her that from now on she was "on her own." I would no longer nag her or anything. I told her that if I forgot and started to bug her about homework she was to wave the letter at me! I wish I could say she immediately -or even eventually- changed and started working h*** o* her own. Actually she barely graduated from high school. She then went to our local city college (this was very hard for me as both other girls had gone away to good colleges but I bit my tongue and said nothing negative!). She took classes to become a preschool teacher and two years later got her certificate to teach. She is now 32 years old. She had a nice "career" teaching at a local preschool for a couple years and is now married with two beautiful little girls of her own. She is a dear mother and a good wife.

My advice? Ease up- concentrate on her good qualities and pray like crazy!!! God bless! Grandma G.

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