Help with Middle Schooler

Dear M.:

I think your son's behavior looks like a HUGE cry for help. I think something is definitely wrong and maybe he doesn't even know what it is.

For specific behavioral techniques, I recommend Kelley Gardner of Behavioral Resources, Inc. It is a little expensive, but worth every penny.

But, I don't think the behavioral therapy will help the deeper issues. I do recommend you take your son to a psychologist or social worker to get at the deeper issues.

Hope that helps.

Wow M. we have a lot of similarities going on. I have an 11 and an 8 year old daughter. I share custody with my younger daughter with my ex and she attends school in Alaska and I get her summers and holidays. My 11 year old has little to no contact with her dad by his choice. She is not hyperactive and gets straight A's, but the same behaviors started when she started middle school this year. She also attends a magnant and has ever since the first grade. I really liked her last school, but this year seems that they do not know what in the hell they are doing with the kids over there. The only reason I wanted to keep my daughter in the magnant program is because she is an advanced violinist and they do not offer orchestra in regular public school. If you are not seeking the special programs in the magnant, than I would definitely reccomend you puttinig him into a closer school. I know how difficult working around the schedule with the magnant can be, I spend an extra 1 and a half hours a day transporting my daughter and most days I wonder why. She has developed a really bad attitude, lies about certain things, is disrespectful, lazy, and sloppy. I know that the majority of the problems we are experiencing is due to their age and the changes going on in them, but I also attribute a lot of it to the other types of kids they interact with all day. The reason why magnant schools are able to offer some of the programs they do, is the fact the government gives them special funding because the magnants are placed in very poor demographic areas. The children that live in that area get to just attend the school as normal, but the school atrracts students from better demographic areas so as too bring in "Good Examples" for the other students to learn from. They also rely heavily on the outside parents help and participation since most of the people living in the school area can't or won't participate. My daughter has informed me of several fights and a few PREGNANCIES in her school!!! You have to constantly be on the phone with the school to get information because for the most part they rely on the children to deliver it to us and most don't. The best advice I can give to you is move him from the school and I know it will be hard, but make him accountable for EVERYTHING by contacting each one of his teachers every week and get a list of homework and class expectations from them directly, it's easy if you email them. Explain to them what the issue is and most if not all will be more than willing to participate to help him. When you get home check off what he has completed because then you will know exactly from the horses mouth so to speak what he should have completed. Don't allow him to do anything until the assignments are done to your and his teachers expectations. It will take a lot of extra effort on your part, but after a few weeks of doing this, it will become habit.
The other issue about him making comments about his younger brother is the same for me. My younger doesn't do any better than her in school or activites, but there is a lot of jealousy because I do not get to see her everyday. When she comes into town my older daughter starts acting out making comments like oh yea I forgot you're perfect and tries to torment her. I don't know if this is a older child thing or what, but I have struggled with that issue as well. I know as moms we try to treat our children equal, but for some reason they don't believe that. I'm not sure how much advice I have provided to you, but I wanted you to know that I truly feel your pain and frustration. I have another daughter due in January and with all of the new issues my 11 year old is presenting, I'm scared to death to see how bad it is going to get for me in my house. I know I can't afford it, but if you can it probably would be an excellent idea for you to take him to a counselor. There is a really good one called the kid counselor in clearwater. She offers a 10 week parent child program that ranges from $40-$75 per week depending if she can schedule you with other parents at the same time, it's something to check into if you can find the money and the time. I wish you the best of luck and hope things are brighter in your future.

Mommy, I feel for you.

I don't have children your kids' ages but I do have a 6 year-old, 2 year-old and 7 month old. I've been using a series by Gary Ezzo since my oldest was a baby.

I don't know how you feel about the Bible, but Gary and his wife Ann Marie Ezzo have spearheaded a teaching series called Growing Kid's God's Way. It's been around for years and the principles are Bible-based and they WORK!! The classes are broken down from baby to toddler to adolescent to pre-teen to teen. You can go on his website www.gfi.org. You could find out where you could take a class or order any of his many wonderful books.

Dr. James Dobson is another excellant resource. His website is www.family.org.

Hope this helps.

A Parent's Guide to the Teen Years by Susan Panzarine. I found this book to be very helpful with helping me understand what my 13 year old son is going through. No it is not full of the exact answers to everything but it helps understanding the transition of teens looks, thoughts, and actions. My son is not in a magnet school but we did scool choice due to our assigned boundary put him in a D school(that was only 3 years old). My husband also has his work schedule set to pick him up from school so that he does not need afterschool care. But my husband is considering a change because my son is doing many of the things you have mentioned. In reading your story I thought my husband had logged in and left this request! I have an 8 year old daughter as well. She has always been the staight A, read once and know it type. But my son has always struggled every year. I'm thankful I don't have a lieing problem(that I know of yet). He responds with "I don't know". I am trying to really keep up this second nine weeks with all his work so that he is not constantly doing make-up work by keeping contact by email with the teachers. I also purhased a dry erase calendar to keep up with his assignments from his school planner. The one thing I do think the schools need is a manadatory class in 5th or 6th grade that does nothing but teaches kids how to study! In elementary you are reviewing in class daily but middle school and High school yo just keep getting fed more and more information, and if you don't know what to do with it you lose by test time. Anyway I got off track there a bit. I feel like I have to micro manage his schooling but if that is what it takes for him to succeed then I will do my best. We just need to take it one day at a time, teach right from wrong, punish them when needed, and hope they make the right choices when they are on their own. If you need someone to just talk with please send a private email message. Sometimes we just need to share with someone who is going through the similar times. I am glad to see this requst and responses to this age group. Best of luck and do't hesitate to contact could use the support my self.

Hi,
Sorry for your difficult times. You sound like a caring mom. That is in your son's favor.
Is there a chance you could send him to a small private school for a year or two? Middle school is so hard for sensitive children. Perhaps a smaller environment with more one on one attention would be your soloution.
Also, who is your son hanging out with? The wrong company can do alot of harm. Invite his school friends over for pizza and check them out.
Does your son have any out of school interests? A hobby can help relieve school pressures for a child that is having difficulties. Music, karate anything that makes him feel good about himself.
Regarding the bedroom. Just remove the wet towels and any dishes and close the door. Cleaning the bedroom won't be a priority to him for a while. Your other option is to clean it yourself. I know that does not sound proper but that is the life of a teen.
A good psychologist might be a help to you. Maybe your son needs someone other than mom or dad to talk to. Someone neutral.
And lastly, don't freak out about a D or two. My one child was an A-B student until high school. She made a couple of Ds in math. We got her a tutor and she graduated with a A-B average.
Growing pains! Good luck!
D.M.T.