Help with Hygiene

L.,
I don't have so much advice as just mutual sharing...you're not alone. My son is 7 1/2 y/o and there have been many times where I found he smelled and it was b/c he hadn't wiped well enough.

I think I found a solution that seems to be working. I purchased moist wipes that are in a colorful platic container w/o any indication of it being for toddlers. They are flushable. He's instructed to wipe well with those when he has a BM. I put these containers in our upstairs and downstairs bathroom and remarkably it seems to be doing the trick.

I have a question for you. My son is still wetting his night pull ups, sometimes to the point of leaking on the sheets. I've tried a potty alarm twice with no success. He's a deep sleeper and I suspect has a very small bladder.

My mother in law mentioned that my husband was given medication (which I can't remember) when he was 6 to enlarge his bladder and that worked. I mentioned this to my Pedi last year but she advised against that med b/c of side effects and suggested waiting it out which was fine by me. Now at 7 1/2 y/o I'm worried that his self esteem may be vulnerable and there may be a biological root to this. What do you suggest?
Teresa
(Mom to Katelyn 9 and Tyler 7)

Wow, diffently time to ask for help. Actually past, in my opinion. I'd say the kid is playing you. Meaning, it's more important to you, so he keeps it your problem. In Jane Nelson's positive parenting, she aims for the consequence to fit the issue. In this case, your son has trouble cleaning. I would give him opportunities galore, until he gets it right. (ie, 24/7, within reason) He's not to be made slave child, but I bet he hasn't been cleaning much. Most people spoil their kids in my opinion. If there is work to be done, in my opinion, it's everyone's job to do so. Not to treat kids as equals, but smaller, set the "little prince/ces" sydrome, and it's only gets worse.
There also is the solution oriented approach. It's sort of a Socrates mode, whereas solutions are reached through questioning and by in. Also, improvement is acknowledged, and total accomplishment achieved asap, but not all or nothing.
This kid is way out of line with this. You might start with, humm, I see you have a cleaning problem. If you have the patience, you could go the solution route, asking him for solutions, and finding one you both can deal with. BUT, I would have as part of it, that whenever it doesn't pass inspection, that the consequence be something that makes an impression on him, and gives him practise cleaning.
PS, I should add, not to worry, most if not all of us have some challenges with parenting. I know I have had tons. Parenting classes have been wonderful, as has been personal counseling. (Once I wanted to send my kids and they said I should go first. Me? I went and saw improvement in my kids and my marriage. Go figure! : )
I wish there was more parenting classes for teens, and I should just follow through on the leads I have found from time to time. One son made it through the teens with only school issues. The other is dabling in alcohol and such.
I too should ask for help, as I have reason to believe we are not past it yet. Best to you-J.
Good Luck! J.- High School SPED teacher, mother 23 and 17

Hi L.,

I only have experience with nieces and nephews as my son is only 2 1/2 but there never seemed to be any of these issues that you mention. Are you certain that there aren't any underlying psychological issues that your son is suffering from? Perhaps taking him to a different psychologist will help uncover any issues that he has. He seems to truly need help in this area and I too would be concerned about damaged self esteem. Its such a fragile thing and not easily repaired once damaged. Good luck to you and I would most definitely seek a different opinion from another psychologist.

I know this must be so frustrating. I have four children and toilet training is the thing I look forward to the least. This is how I would handle the situation: If your son is continuing to have problems, I would forgo the privacy and be with him in the bathroom either when he has to go or right after to walk him through each step of cleaning up after himself. I would discuss each time the steps to proper wiping and washing. Explain the consequences of not cleaning properly and reward him when he takes care of things in the right way (treats or stickers, etc). If he does make a mess (my daughter did that once when she was little...), he should help you clean it up. I don't think it is damaging to tell him that his hands are dirty, just follow up with praise when he cleans them. I have found that the Pampers Kandoo toilet wipes have helped my boys. Keep at it. Consistency is the key. Good Luck!

I would take your son to the pediatrician to have him evaluated, and at least checked to make sure there isn't some underlying medical condition that is making cleaning up especially hard for him - perhaps the pediatrician can also speak with him about the importance of cleaning up, and the correct way to do it, and WHY it is necessary. An authority figure that is not one of his parents speaking to him about it might drive it home in a different way.
This is not a normal behavior of a 6.5 year old child, but because he IS 6, you know that when you explain to him that he smells and why he needs to wipe properly he IS understanding you. Wether or not he chooses to listen and follow directions is another thing entirely. If the doctor rules out any medical condition, you know that what he is doing is purely behavioral, and in dealing with an unwanted behavior, you have to create the proper routine and consequences
Be truthful and honest with you son. Tell him that cleaning oneself is not something that he can CHOOSE to do, but something he must do properly because he is a human being, not an animal. Let him know that if he needs help wiping, you are there to help, but if he tries to do it himself and does not do a good job, you are going to send him back into the bathroom until he is clean. Buy him some flushable wipes (they make it so much easier for children to wipe themselves easily after pooping). Let him know that if he continues to leave poop in inappropriate places (on walls, hands, body) and chooses not to follow proper cleaning rules, there will be consequences (you can take away an important toy, tv time, computer time, etc). You might also want to mention that, if he cannot handle this responsibility, you may have to put him in diapers again (sometimes that tactic is enough to prompt them into bathrooming better).
All in all, as a physical therapist, you can get in touch with a good occupational/behavioral therapist that can work with your son or at least give you some good ideas. His bathrooming issues may very well be psychological in nature, so if you hit a brick will with trying to train him with no success, consider speaking to and making an appointment with a child psychologist or behavioral therapist.

I haven't had this problem, and I think that by age 6.5 it shouldn't normally be an issue, so I'll second two pieces of advice I've seen here:

1) If he leaves the bathroom and himself in that state, he loses the privilege of privacy. Someone needs to be in there with him to see what is happening. If he's choosing to make the mess, the loss of privacy should cure the problem.

2) If there is some other issue (physical, psychological, etc.) you or your husband will be able to observe the problem and determine what help would be appropriate.

Hope that helps!

HI,
I wonder how he does with other self help tasks: urinating only, washing hands after meals, eating, washing hands after playing with play-doh, cleaning up after playing lego blocks.... ?

I am asking you about these tasks to see whether the washings hands problem is only after pooping or all the time....

YOU might want your husband to observe him in the bathroom giving him some privacy since Dad is a man....
He should be OK with that. If he is not I would wonder...

YOu might consider working with an occupational therapist.
I know many clinics and individual therapists. One might come to the house perhaps.... If you would like names write me back.

There is disorder called sensory integration disorder. Occupational specializing in sensory integration should be able to help with that.

P.S. My son with some special needs learned that task by age 5.