Help with Babysitter and 4 Year Old

You need to say very firmly to her mmmy is going to school I will be back at x time and go. don't do the long drawn out goodbye so sorry I have to go etc. just walk out the door. she will get over it. I used to have daycare parents who would say to the kids "I am so sorry I have to leave you here" wth whats wrong with my house? it gave the impression that something was wrong to the kids. You little one is doing this because you allow it. Just say goodbye and go. she will be fine. Don't throw in the towel. it will be good for her to get a little bit of independence.

You do what you have to do. Probably the 19 year old since that is their preference. Yes there will be screaming, tantrum at first but she will get used to it. Actually it is good for her and for you. Everyone needs a break.

If you throw in the towel now, and don't deal with this issue head-on, what will it mean when you try to take her to preschool next year? Do you think that this problem is going to resolve itself without your working to get her to the point that you can leave her with another person?

It won't. Which is why, as hard as it will be to see her cry and flip out, you have to do it. We've all been there. We've all left our little one crying in someone else's arms while they reach out to you, begging, with a heartbroken look. But it WILL pass. She will get used to being with this new person, grow to love them, and even get to the point where she's having SO MUCH FUN that she doesn't want to come back home with you.

But you have to start the process and quit putting it off because you feel badly about her reaction to your leaving. You have to.

Love and luck.

ETA: I just wanted to mention that severe separation anxiety that persists after age 2 is not developmentally normal. Psychiatry literature suggests that a psychiatric evaluation may be needed to rule out anxiety disorders. However, since you have not yet made a concerted attempt at leaving your child with a sitter, I would at least try to do so for a couple of weeks. The fact is, YOU have anxiety about leaving her, and I imagine that is affecting her behavior.

When I had parents like you in my child care facility I'd basically boot them out. Giving in to your child's cries only reinforces to her that she is in control of you. That she is the boss of what you do.

Sometimes it's just better to leave and not even look back. She will eventually get used to not having you around.

It will take a long time with her since, for 4 years, you've given in every time. Even at church.

So I suggest you just tell the kids you love them and you'll be back in a little while then leave. Let the babysitter handle it. She's going to have a screaming crying kiddo the whole time for days and days though since she's always been rewarded for doing that by you and your husband giving in to her tears.

I would say you need to be gone at least 3 hours each time and then go every day. Never give in and never come back early.

She is going to be starting school in a year and it might take a year to get her to accept you will not stay at home with her every moment.

It's going to be much worse if you don't do this now. She will NOT make it in Pre-K or even kindergarten. She has to be broken of this dependency starting now. It's not good for her to be this way.

I would have Katie come for an hour here and there before you go to school. Leave the house and get your nails done or get a cup of coffee. I realize this is a transition for the children, especially the 4 yr old, but I would remind her that you will be back in x hours and then do it. Be calm and straightforward. I think she will be OK after a while, it's just new. If she misses preK within the school system, is there a couple of hours preschool class she could attend? My DD's preschool (in a church) had a program for 3s that was either 2 or 3 days, for just a few hours per day. That might be a good transition for her. I would also work with her on staying in Sunday School alone. At nearly 4, she should be able to stay for the hour.

The book The Kissing Hand was given to us when DD started preschool and it helped. Maybe it will help your DD, too.

IMO, it would not be good for you to put off school. I think you need to work on her behavior instead, as she will not always be able to be with you or Daddy. Give her positive attention when you leave her and she behaves well. Make good byes short and sweet. Many children fuss at drop off and then are fine later in the day. You need to show her that your needs are important, too. Don't give in to her temper tantrum.

Your daughter doesn't like to be left. Understandable. She cries and then obviously you guys come in and "save her". I think you are right, she will be more comfortable at home. A sitter is new. Obviously leaving her is new. It is going to be scary and crying and tantruming is her coping mechanism.

If it were me, I would probably just leave and let her throw a fit. I would NOT sneak out. I would say goodbye. Short and sweet. Don't get pulled in by your daughter's stress and drama. The first time, I may just take off for 20-30 minutes and then come back. Each trip out would get a little bit longer. Eventually she will realize that the babysitter is okay and that mom will return.

I would also discuss my plan with the sitter. Let her know what is going on.

I know this is tough on everyone, but really she needs this. She needs to learn some independence from you. If she can't handle a few hours of Sunday School solo, she will never be able to handle even part time preschool.

Have the new sitter over while you go to the grocery store. Do it a few times before school starts so they can get used to each other. Yes, she will throw a fit, but you have to get used to just walking out.

Decide on the routine in your head before the sitter arrives. Something like this: Sitter arrives, you tell your girls "Katie is here". You kiss each girl on the head, say I love you, and walk out the door. No lingering. No chatting with the sitter. If she clings to you, hand her to the sitter and let the sitter hold her while you walk out. And do it quickly.

An alternative strategy is to plan something your daughter really likes to do, and be in the middle of it when the sitter arrives. If you are on page 2 of her favorite story, hand the book over to the sitter, say "Katie will finish the story, I love you, see you later". And walk out quickly.

The longer you drag it out, the worse it will be, because she really thinks that she's winning the battle, and she'll keep ratcheting up the drama.

Don't let your 4-year-old control your education. There is no reason she can't stay with a baby-sitter. Ours go the the parents' day out starting at 3 months and they don't have that separation anxiety there at my leaving them because they are used to the room, staff, etc. since they were babies!

The red flag was "we've never used a babysitter before." If that's the case, starting at age 4 will be...difficult. But you just do it and do the best you can.
Why isn't she in preschool? My child started at age 2 and will now be going to 3-eyar-old preschool. There are some concerns with playing with other kids (child is VERY shy as well) but the school will provide as much help as they can; child qualified for this program based on social skills.

You little girl (4 YO) needs some help, it sounds like, if she's that resistant to new people. I'd get her into preschool ASAP. Have her tested. Mine whined the WHOLE time I was gone while they tested the child (as it was a TOTALLY new environment), and that, along with basic social stuff, got child into program. I am sure your girl would get in with flying colors! :) Try it, for her sake and yours.

Don't throw in the towel. You've all fallen into a pattern where she cries and everyone stays to comfort her. What's the worst thing that could happen? She'll cry a bit longer and eventually settle down? She's picking up the vibe that somehow she won't be ok unless you or your hubby are around and that'll get worse as she gets older. Have Katie come over a few times while you go out and run some errands.

You have to just leave her. She will be okay, she will even probably have a lot of fun with the sitter.

Leave her with the sitter, go to school, and know that she is taken care of. Tell the sitter some things you do to calm her, let her know she can text you/husband if she NEEDS you, but to really try on her own.

Need to work on this before preschool. Leave her with the sitter and help her find other situations where she can grow. Leave her at church, maybe a dance, swim, gymnastics etc class. It's not like your going on vacation. An hour or two here and there isn't much.

How can she bond with other people if you never give her the chance? You should start getting a babysitter every other week so you and your husband can get time away. I think you should go with the 19 year old and be very matter of fact with your four year old. Be cheerful and tell her you will be back soon and to have fun. Then leave. It might take her a few weeks, but she will realize it is fun to have a babysitter! Have a really fun activity planned for the babysitter to do with your kids each time. Our kids LOVE their babysitters. I remember when my daughter started preschool at age 3 she would be upset when I would drop her off. It took about 3 weeks. She just loves preschool now and really adores her teachers and friends. Don't let your 4 year old control you...I know she gets upset and it upsets you, but she will not be able to learn and adapt unless you let her! I have some good friends with super shy children who had to go through this process...yes the child is upset at first...but if you are consistent they learn to enjoy their babysitter/teacher and then start to come out of their shell.

Just go on and do what you have to do. I call it the "working mom's dilemma". I have literally pulled my child (3 yo) off my leg while she screams and cries for me not to leave, only to find out she was completely fine and happy the minute I left the building.
Your daughter will be fine once she knows you are gone. Right now, she knows you will respond to her cries not to leave, and so far, it's worked. Try short trips with the babysitter- to the grocery store, down to the store, etc.
Good luck!

She is controlling you and she knows it. It's not that she's shy or scared on purpose but every time she freaks out and prevents you from doing what you need to do she is getting the message that she's in control. You'd be doing her a huge disservice to let her keep controlling others by emotionally freaking out. Kids who do this early on and are allowed to continue use it throughout life to get what they want. Shyness or separation anxiety can become emotional black mail in teens and adults if you let her fear rule your world.

You need to explain to her that her feelings are valid but even though she doesn't like it Mommy has to leave for a little while. If she's anything like the little girls I knew at four she will get it on some level. Then just go.

I know a family with an outgoing, confident little boy who had never had problems being left with sitters, preschool or Kinder. For the first four weeks of FIRST grade he cried for his Mom every single morning. It was the weirdest thing. His parents were so embarrassed, getting the report from the teacher every afternoon. One day he just stopped and is now a bright, athletic, incredibly outgoing and talkative 12 year old. Kids can be a mystery but remember you are in charge. You don't have to understand her in order to get the job done. Good luck!

well, if she's really never had a babysitter in 4 years, it's time.
it's hard for me to fathom a 4 year old who flips out if you so much as leave the room.
assuming she doesn't have any sort of mental or emotional disorders, i think it's time to bite the bullet. if your 19 year old sitter is a calm and steady sort (as i hope she is), start having her come to your home and a be a 'mother's helper' for a week, then start leaving for brief periods. start with an hour and work up to an afternoon.
if your daughter is reasonably typical, she'll bawl hysterically for 5 minutes and then be fine. but just throwing in the towel and kicking the can down the road for a year won't be doing your child any favors.
khairete
S.

You need to get her used to the idea that she can be with other people...... I like the suggestion of having Katie come over for an hour, and just leaving the house. You might be surprised how she does! Have a fun activity planned, and maybe even do it with Katie for about 30 minutes, with Katie playing and interacting with them, and then you leave for an hour. Do this often enough (don't sneak out.... stay and play for about 30 minutes, and then leave), she will start understanding that it is ok to be without you.

I don't think that waiting a year in the hopes that the problem will go away is a good idea. If she doesn't get used to having an occasional babysitter now and then, how is she going to go to pre-school next year?

She may have a severe separation anxiety problem You may need to also seek professional help with this.

realistically no matter if shes with the 19 year old or the other mom shes going to cry. it may take up to a week for her to adjust. this will happen in preschool as well. it will test your nerves badly. you will have to be firm with her. tell her that you will be back later that you need to go to school. in addition i would start letting her go to sunday school alone. tell her that daddy and mommy have their class and so does sister. this is her class for her to be in.
it may take her a week or two to adjust some kids are shyer then others. my little one didnt want me in her sunday school class and was all im a big girl now when going to preschool. kids are all different.

Hey Mama, I vote that you don't postpone your school plans. Have faith in your little girlie that she can weather this change. It will give her an opportunity to develop a much needed skill set that will help her navigate kindergarten and on down the road. When you pull out of the driveway and your heart is hurting thinking about her tears, say a prayer for peace and be on your merry way. If you have a chance, grab the Kissing Hand book from the library and read it with her.

A lot of this is the age, believe it or not. Many kids have sever separation anxiety somewhere in the 3-4 range, and it does pass and fix itself for most without you needing to do a thing.

I have no suggestions, I just want to say that this passes for most kids when they hit 4.

Hi, A.,

Wait to go to school.

D.