Help with a Couple Issues - Son Pooping Pants @ 7 Years Old

It can be a physical problem that Ive read about where the child doesn't get the body signals that he has to poop (his brain and bowel aren't communicating) or where he is so constipated that it hurts to much to let the poop out: http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-beh...

It can also be emotional/psychological and tied to just about anything (he may not like the smell, or feeling the poop come out, or being on the toilet, who knows). Your husband needs to understand that no 7 year old child wants to poop in their pants nor feel the shame associated with it. Even if he is the laziest child on the planet, no child WANTS to do this. Calling him lazy will only deteriorate his self esteem more and add more problems. He will internalize that he is lazy and who
knows what other behaviors will result. Or every time he does something wrong he'll blame it on being lazy. It sounds like your husband has some issues of his own and he needs to put his childs needs first rather than his know it all ways and bullying you into submission by starting a fight because life just isn't always the way he wants it to be.

I have a sister in law who has Aspergers and therefore any problems her kids had was a bad reflection on her so she would yell at them. Her 10 year old son had this same poop problem and she would yell at him and call him lazy. Guess what- the problem didn't go away but Im pretty sure she messed up his self esteem as well as his love for her. Its a horrible way to treat a sweet little boy who really only wants to be happy, to please you and to be loved and understood.

Take him to a doctor and to a therapist and figure it out. Unless your husband doesn't work and spends every second with you he doesn't even need to know until its better. Be this boys mom and do what needs to be done.

ADD: Per the doc, we got Miralax (generic) mixed with juice at dinner time; "Scheduled" bathroom time right after, for at least 10 minutes (book, ipad, whatever) so son would relax completely on potty, increased fruits/veggies as much as possible, cut out as many binding foods (bananas, crackers, hotdogs), minimized carbs for a while. It helps, and if you continue to manage the diet a bit, it'll keep his body healthier.

ORIGINAL: If it's a smear or smudge and not a full on poop, he is constipated or has encoperisis and it will NOT resolve fast. It will take up to a month. Your husband needs to speak to the doctor himself. My son has this problem at 6. It often happens because they hold it in at school, it gets backed up and leaks around. When the skin stretches around that area, they can lose the sensitivity to know when they need to go.

Call your doctor and tell them that your husband is being an @$$, and have your husband talk to the doctor directly.

If your husband is always like this, you may have some deeper issues going on that need to be dealt with. If daddy is causing anxiety in the family, that's not helping either.

i can't help with the pooping issue, but your doctor can, and you are entirely right in consulting the doctor and not making unpleasant assumptions about your little boy. i feel very sorry for him, dealing with an embarrassing issue and having a father who leaps right to a pejorative conclusion without even giving the little fellow the benefit of the doubt.
so i think you're right in putting your husband issue first. i'm glad he's wonderful in many ways, but being able to communicate with each other about important issues like your kids is really, really a big deal. you have got to get tools that will allow you to have these conversations without anger or fighting, and if you can't come up with them yourselves, book a few sessions with a good counselor who can help you find some ways to get across to each other in positive, helpful ways.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Then stop consulting your husband about these things. You know there is something not right, you already talked to the doctor. Have your son seen, it definitely sounds like encopresis, I have a son who had this. Punishing or making a child feel shame for anything potty-related WILL cause serious psychological damage if allowed to go on. Protect your son from his father regarding this issue, Chicagobear is right, no child WANTS to do this.

You can message me if you'd like more info on encopresis. My son is now cured, but it took us a long time to retrain his lower colon to work properly. He took mirilax for years and we did some behavior modification to help him learn his body's signals. Kids with this condition typically can't feel it when it happens (nerve damage usually causes this), they can't feel it and they can't smell it. It's not laziness, it's a very real medical condition that can CAUSE the child psychological distress, but it's not CAUSED BY the child at all.

Do what you need to do for your kid.
Your husband sounds like a real peach.
Wouldn't want to be his son. :(

Take a moment, please, and just be glad that you are wisely seeing the larger issue here! Many posts would focus just on the son's one issue and wouldn't go farther and uncover the larger, deeper problem, which is the communication between you and your husband, and husband's attitude and reluctance about outside help. YOU see the larger problem and I hope you take heart in the fact you are indeed focused on the right things to get started.

Regarding the issue with your son and your husband's reaction: Did your husband have some kind of bad experience with a doctor earlier in his life? Or was he possibly raised by parents who taught him that you never go to a doctor unless you're spurting blood? (There really are people who either hate or fear doctors to the point they never go, don't take their kids, and assume all doctors are charlatans.) Or is he paranoid about the idea that doctors cost money and he's afraid of the bills? His background with doctors may influence him -- which is useful for you to understand but also does not help get him on board with treatment plans.

I would suggest that he meet with the doctor personally. Has he ever met the kids' pediatrician? Talked to him or her? Or have you done all the contact with the doctors all the kids' lives? Your husband might need to see the doctor face to face and be told, "This is what you need to try with your son." Some men will hear things said by a professional when they won't hear them from their wives--unfortunately. You might not be able to get him to see the doctor but if the doctor calls HIM and asks to meet, or at least talks to him on the phone, that could help. Only you know if such a call would make your husband angry that you asked the doctor to intervene. If it would -- see below regarding therapy.

It's worrying that he gets angry if you even call the doctor. Someday a child of yours may be seriously ill or get injured; if that happens you will need a husband who can at least accept that a doctor must be involved. While you can go ahead and deal with all medical issues on your own, what happens if a child must be in the hospital or a doctor's office and the other kids need dad to handle them? Will that make him angry too and will he blame you for focusing on one kid's medical needs while he "has" to handle the other kids?

Please look at couples therapy and possibly some anger management therapy for him. If he gets angry about OTHER things besides calling doctors -- does he? -- then there is an even bigger problem here that must be solved, or your kids will pay the price.
.

I have to agree with what leigh wrote about dealing with your hubby.
Also my son had issues with small amounts of poop around 7 and 8. I am not sure what was up with him but there was nothing medical wrong, nothing emotional wrong, we talked with his doctor and he gave us some tools to help the issue. We did a lot of reminding to the point my son would go I know, if i have to go go to the potty. :)
My son would say that he would have to fart and then poop would come out.
It was very frustrating but we simply reminded him and also if he did have anything in his underwear he would have to clean it out. That really helped.
We never got mad and he finally seemed to move past it. (he is 9 now and no issues)
good luck and many blessings

Why does he get angry when you call the doctor about issues your kids are going through? What does he give as his reason? it would help if you were more clear on that. Does he think you call the doctor too often because you over react every time one of the kids sneezes? Can you not afford the bills? If he doesn't have a good reason, maybe he is trying to hide something from the doctor. But I know a woman who thinks every sneeze is the Spanish Influenza, every mosquito bite - the measles, and every trace of poop in the pants (from not wiping well) - encopresis. She constantly tries to call her husband home from business trips, and makes a friend of mine drop everything to transport her and her family to the hospital. Her husband doesn't like her calling the doctor either. So, I don't think moms should judge you or your husband or offer advice just based on the small amount of info. you provided, especially Marda who is trying to send you a women's shelter. People need ALL the facts to make an informed opinion. Just remember you have not provided any details as you read these moms' advice, especially the more drastic ones.