Help with 6Th Graders....

Updated on April 23, 2010
J.A. asks from Bethesda, MD
12 answers

I need help to figure this out. My almost 12 year old daughter has been complaining about some kids' behavior that could happened at any time of the day. It seems that some rowdy boys and a couple of girls who seem to enjoy watching the boys and love their rowdiness, are getting out of control in terms of joking around a lot about sexual "stuff", like "funny" names for the p****** p****, rubbing textbooks, hats, eraser,....You named it !, on their rear end.... My daughter says that all that fooling around make her feel uncomfortable... They have done it with her jacket, her books, etc. There are other boys who don't like it and are not part of it. When some of the girls and boys talked to a few teachers about it they seemed very responsive and promised to talk to them, but never did, and because they forgot they said they'll do it next week.... Don't you love the response.....
I remember when I was 12, I experienced something like that in school. That was my welcoming to the school sexual world. I remembered being disgusted by it but I never said anything, I guess I was not only terrify about being in a religious school but just the thought of bringing it up with a teacher was even worst, if some of you know what I mean..., so because I'm raising my daughters to have a mind of their own, not to be afraid to speak up and stand up for themselves, I encouraged my daughter to support the group who didn't like that situation, and try to get the attention of the people en charge but by doing that the other girls and the boys got mad at them.
I've asked some parents what did they think about this type of situation, just to see their reaction and some thought that it was normal, that it's part of growing up, and blah, blah, blah.... I just couldn't believe what I was hearing... At the end of the conversation some parents got startled when I said that as long as there were kids feeling uncomfortable with that situation, or being point at for their enjoyment, I would be categorizing it as sexual harassment?
I know it was a strong thing to say, but it wasn't as strong as the words these 6th graders are using to make fun of others. Finally It made feel better using the right term for how I used to feel when I was in 6th grade....
But don't you think that sometimes we are part of this problem? Some because love to celebrate their kids vulgarity and others because don't say anything at all... Or is it that we just forgot that this is another important issue we have to deal with too.....?

Jess

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So What Happened?

Thank you all for you comments and advise. Two days ago the principal went to each middle school classroom and talk to the teachers (in front of the kids), about what the teachers can and cannot accept inside and outside of the classrooms. She also spoke to the kids and even single out a few of the ones causing the problems. She didn't get into details, according to my daughter, but the message was strong. She was going to start with detentions and calling parents in and if that didn't stop the behavior there were going to be suspensions and probably some would get expelled.
Because I volunteer two days a week, I was able to see some of the teacher addressing this issue with the kids and talking to the problematic ones. I feel bad for my daughter because she was new this year and it was hard for her to be "accepted" as one of the group and when they finally didi it, this problems started to happened. Because she was part of the kids who raise the problem to the teachers, they are not that friendly with her. I know that whatever I tell her to do or to say, won't change her situation much, after all she is the one who has to deal with her classmates' attitudes.... The only thing left for me is to have the communication between the two os us always open...

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J.S.

answers from San Antonio on

I fully feel the same way you do and if we taught about sexual harassment to them at a young age them maybe people wouldn't be shocked as they get older to find out it's not acceptable. I disipline my children then they act up because its unacceptable and if they didn't obey the rules it would affect them as they grow up to not respect authority, I don't feel any different about sexual encounters of any kind. If they are not taught its wrong they will not respect the boundries as they get older.
when my children get that age if I find out they are acting like that they will be in big trouble !

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J.M.

answers from Sheboygan on

This isn't acceptable behavior in the school. I would suggest that you speak to the teachers/principal with your daughter. In my experience, a solution is more likely to be found to a problem if the parent gets involved - otherwise it seems to get pushed to the side. If your daughter is uncomfortable, take the extra step to make the teachers/principal aware. Though it may not be classified as sexual harassment, it is something that should be addressed in school regarding proper conduct and the consequences of their actions.

And yes, I do think that parents/adults are part of the problem. If the children are not taught proper behavior, they will not exhibit it. If you joke around with your child regarding sexual situations (and I know some parents that do, and say they do it so that their child won't be uncomfortable speaking to them about sex), your child will do the same. If you are closed-minded and uncomfortable speaking to your child frankly about sex, your child will be the same way. I have always encouraged my 12 yr. old daughter to ask me any questions that she may have about sex, boys, or her body....and she does. I am sometimes uncomfortable with the questions, but I do answer them as best as I can. I also explain to her that this isn't something she should be speaking about in public, including school, as sex is a private matter between two people who love eachother, and not something that should be talked about in front of, or to, a bunch of other people.

Good luck to you, and I hope this helped a little!

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L.B.

answers from Stockton on

Yes kids do these things but no, it's not acceptable. No child should have to experience that. My daughter had similar experiences at her school (she too is in the 6th grade.) She went to the teacher and then I went to the teacher myself. I'm not sure why you haven't spoken to the teacher(s) yourself? Our children are quite capable in most situations but because of the seriousness of this one and the fact that it's not being addressed is cause for you to get involved. If the teachers still do not take care of things you go on to speak with the principal. I'm not surprised by the behavior of these boys due to hormones coming into action but I am surprised that no one of authority has attempted to explain to these kids that their actions are incredibly innapropriate. Sad.

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S.S.

answers from Santa Barbara on

J.-
The story itself made me uncomfortable, I can't imagine what your daughter must have felt. I agree that it needs to be taken to a higher authority and the boys (and girls) should be receiving consequences and some sensitivity training (or something.)

I actually could see my son doing something stupid like this. Getting caught up in the moment and being completely inappropriate without regard for other's feelings. I'm sorry the other parents were unresponsive. If it was my son the hammer would have come down. Hopefully, it never will be. J., I do believe that we give our children too much freedom and allow them to grow up too fast. These kids will be the kids that sit in quad at lunch time rating girl's bodies using a number system, like the girls in my High School had to deal with. The school administration just ignored it, while some of the most wonderful girls were crushed everyday by these boys (and girls) inappropriate behavior.

If it doesn't stop now, when does it?
S.

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

That kind of behavior in the workplace among adults would almost certainly be considered sexual harassment, and with that take on it, it seems entirely appropriate to me that you ask for a meeting with the principal. There's a real possibility that the administration will need to talk to your daughter as a first-hand witness to describe specifically what is happening. But I'd still talk to the school first and point out that your daughter might experience even more harassment if she's suspected of calling foul. Ask them what they plan to do to prevent that from happening.

If there are other students, or the parents thereof, who could support you in your complaint, it would probably be helpful if they stepped forward with you.

Yes, society as a whole is part of the problem. Sexy messages portrayed constantly in the media, kids with unprecedented access to media, parents who ignore, laugh at, or even encourage suggestive behavior, and on and on.

On the other hand, too much "prissiness" creates its own set of problems. There is a certain wisdom in keeping one's thoughts private, because verbally judging others for behavior they've accepted as normal can be puzzling at best, polarizing and provocative at worst. Social pressures are probably at their most intense during the teen years, and kids dread being ostracized or singled out as weird. Isn't life an interesting balancing act?

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J.G.

answers from New York on

This behavior is unacceptable! Your daughter should not be subject to something that makes her feel uncomfortable.
I would write an email to the teacher, principal and superintendent immediately!!!
Good Luck.

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T.W.

answers from New York on

J.,
My concern is if these kids are doing this at this age then what are they going to do in high school. I grew up in the New Haven/Hamden area and have to say my parents never tolerated it then and I don't now. When my daughter was in 2nd grade this one boy kept touching the girls privates. One day the kids were in line and he was behind my daughter, he put his hand up her dress, down her underpants and started touching her. She told the teacher on duty who yelled at my daughter for talking and sent a note home about her behavior. When my daughter told my husband and I what happened and what had been happening we went nuts, my husband called not only the principal but the members of the board of education. The end result was the boy and his parents were dealt with, he was suspended and they were told he needed to get counseling; they ended up moving out of state, blaming the pollutants from the factory in town for their son's issues, which by the way included him attempting to chop his 2 year old sisters fingers off and other things.
The bottom line is sexual harassment is illegal and so is bullying, your daughter has both on her side. Call a meeting with the principal and bring a tape recorder, record everything, you may need it if this isn't resolved, plus you might very well get better results if they know you are taping the meeting. If they tell you you can't then tell them you are calling a lawyer, it works every time. Let me know if I can be of any further help.
Hugs,
T.

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K.H.

answers from Utica on

Hi Jessica
Congrats on open conversation with your daughter. Keep that up it makes life so much easier with girls especially.
I didn't check where you live but I'd say from what happens in 6th grade some places we lived you are fortunate that is all that is happening.
In K the school had what was called "dress up day" Sounds innocent enough. Everyone dresses up, right? Wrong! Now this is a day that is on the bulletin boards when I go into school, not something the kids made up. "Dress up day" meant if the girls wore dresses the boys could lift them up. Not knowing that I was trying to get the girls to "Dress up" They started crying they didn't want to wear a dress. Needless to say, when they finally told me why, they wore pants, and I went to the school office, assuming that was the kids version of what the day meant. We were new in town, so had never heard this and this is the morning of the event at school. I was told this was a sanctioned event & was for the entire school K-6th grade. They administration saw nothing wrong with it. I called it sexual harassment and they were fine with it. I heard from some of the parents at our church that they had tried actually going to a lawyer but because by 6th grade they should know what the event was and dress appropriately no charges were able to be brought. I was horrified.
It gets worse, but the sanctioned club for 6th graders has the girls thinking themselves in highest esteem if and when they get pregnant because they are supposed to see if they can have each boy in the class. Imagine the boy's moms who don't know, that boy who wants purity hasn't got a chance does he? He'd be on all the girls hit list. Maybe that sounds terrible but we believe in waiting til marriage for our boys as well as our girls.
We moved a lot since the girls were in K, and I decided to homeschool, I don't know what all schools are like but with adults thinking that is AOK we had to do something.
Many more stories I could tell.
God bless you as you make decisions
SAHM married 40 years --- adult children -- 38,33, and twins 20

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A.P.

answers from New York on

I agree with you--totally unacceptable! Good for you for doing something about it, and for raising such confident, smart kids!

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J.M.

answers from New York on

Go to the Principal. And keep going back till he or she does something about it.

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N.D.

answers from New York on

You are absolutely right!!!! In todays climate of harassment and bullying I would go directly to the administration. What we had to put up with years ago are no longer permissible. These students have to learn right from wrong before they go into the work place and get sued. If they arent stopped at 12 I can only imagine what will happen at 16.

L.A.

answers from Austin on

Ugh, It is the worst when parents excuse this type of behavior..

I think your daughter is more mature than the other kids and that makes the other kids uncomfortable, because they know what they are doing in inappropriate.

Empower her by letting her know that she is doing the right thing, by not responding to these kids or asking them to please stop. If it bothers them and they do not want to be around her, that is there problem. I agree it is sexual harassment.

She has a right to not have to be around this behavior especially in school.
When I was in school, I did not laugh at these types of behaviors and I remember when people cussed, I would say "language!". If they did inappropriate things, I would tell them "that is just plain nasty". I was always a more confident person and spoke my mind. I was also a cheerleader and people would follow my behaviors..

My mother always spoke about leaders and followers and how it is not always easy t be a leader. She told me I had rights to be comfortable in school. But I was in charge of letting people know what I expected.

I am proud of you for letting the other parents know that this behavior is harassment. I am amazed at what parents allow their kids to get away with.

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