Help What Do You Do with the Eight Year Old Boy Who Doesn't Listen

Hi T.-
As the mom of two boys too, ages 6 and 20 months I feel you. My 6 year old likes to argue about everything too and is very defensive about stuff, everything it seems. I am a big reader of parenting books and my favorite to date to get rid of I would say 90% of the arguing is "1 2 3 Magic" it's on video and on book, it has been true magic for my husband and I. I hope this works.

Hi T.. I know what you're going through. I was a single Mom with 3 toddler sons. It can be overwhelming. You have received some great advice here. I highly recommend you pick what works best for you and give it a try. I'm an attachment Mom of 5 boys, so what I'm going to tell you isn't exactly mainstream advice. I think your little guys are hurting emotionally. I don't know if a divorce took place, but if their Dads were ever in the picture and are no longer there, that can affect them a great deal. They may feel angry with you by feeling as if it's all your fault (they're children so they can't reason well, of course). So they don't see their Dads and they don't get to see you often because you are working hard to make a living for all of you. I recommend talking with their pediatrician and asking for a referral to a therapist. Other than that, I think having a heart-to-heart with your oldest might do the trick. Ask him how he feels and don't get mad at him for what he might say. The younger one is just following the older one's example, so once things calm down with your 8 year-old, you should see a difference in your younger guy, too. I wish you luck. I know how hard it is.

Hi T. I'm also the mother of a strong willed 8yr old boy, depending on what I am asking of him is how I react. If he is just being stubborn I turn it into a game I'll go tickle him or sit lightly on him and bounce up and down on him. It curbs my anger and has him laughing so hard he doesn't remember that he isn't minding. On the other hand if he is just being mean start taking his most loved thing away for an hour, a day whatever it takes to get the responce your looking for. My son's the xbox he may lose it for up to a week but after two or three times of losing it he thinks twice before he acts. Just stick to your ground and follow through. I understand that when you work full time you dont want to fight with your kids for the few hours a day that you get to spend time with them. But it sounds like if you dont get ahold of who is the boss in your house you might just have two stubborn boys to deal with. good luck and god bless.

Your son is trying his wings (as my mother would say). My son is doing it too. He is 9. It's part of being a boy - my husband swears this is true (my son's father is not around much nor is he a good role model for my son - so i like it better that he's not around much. my husband has had to educate me a lot on boys)

It would be good if you got him involved in something that provides a good male role model. An uncle? A close friend you trust? Do you have a brother who would be good for him as a role model? Scouting is a good choice too.

continue to be patient and firm but do try to find him a good role model. you can ask the school or the local police department for recommendations as well if you don't know what programs are in the area.

Hi T.:
My advice is to be firm and consistent, while still making sure they know that you'll always love them, but you are the parent. Also, whatever you do, don't argue with him. That makes him think that he has the right to argue back. What you say goes...end of discussion. T.

It could be that he sees things differently and just wants his point to be heard. Not that he is right or will get his way, but you could try telling him "I sense that you see things differently. Can you explain your side to me so I can understand this better?" Then you can address his concerns with respect and let him know that while he may have some valid points that you will take into consideration, you're the one to make the ultimate decisions with the major things.

Make sure you give him plenty of areas where he does get to make choices so he feel in control of a good part of his life. If you're into books, 2 good ones I've read are "Kids Are Worth It" by Barbara Coloroso and "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber.

T. - I am having some of the same issues with my four year old son. My father says that when young boys do this ... that they are wanting your attention...no matter how it is received (good or bad). I started a couple of nights ago to give attention to each child one night a week. A teacher suggested putting up a calendar so each child would know when it was their turn to have a night with their parent/parents. I suggest trying the calendar thing and see what happens. Ask him what he likes to do? Maybe go to a recreational park, read a book together, go to a movie that he likes... something that is giving him his mother's undivided attention. My father grew up with a brother and a bunch of boy cousins and he said this is what would happen in his family. It is just a suggestion. I hope it all works out. Keep your chin up and smile... he will turn around.

i have a 5 year old boy that does the same thing.he argues with every little thing i say.even if he's asking me a question about something,and i answer,to him i'm always wrong.he's always been like that which i found a little strange.most kids think their parents word is law til school,then it's the teacher!lol..but the best thing i've found is to remain consistent and try to keep your temper.make sure you are spending enough one on one time with him.sometimes they do that just to get the attention.make sure you give him lots of positive attention and minimal negative attention.and it's ok to compromise sometimes too.like if he's arguing about turning off the tv and getting ready for bed,compromise.say ok,10 more minutes then it's time to brush your teeth and go to bed.i find if it's getting them to do a chore like cleaning up,i set a timer.i'll tell him you can play til the timer goes off then you need to clean up.i find it really helps because they can't argue with the timer.most kids go through good and bad stages.they will be very good and listen well one week and then the next,they just won't listen to anything.just be firm and consistent with whatever you do.and make sure to give explainations otehr than" because i said so." they can often be satisfied with an explaination even if they don't like it.especially if it's for a safety issue.if it's something like no running in the house,i explain why it's unsafe and if he does it anyways and gets hurt,i remind him of why he's not supposed to do it.sometimes they have to learn it the hard way.at about this time they are still trying to see how hard they can push you.just be consistent with whatever you decide to do and it will eventually pass.hope this helps.

Your "A little about me" section made me wonder something after reading your post. I'm wondering, other than school, what else does your son do after school or on the weekends? I know you said there's no father in his life, which is always difficult on a growing boy. Have you considered Scouts, sports, YMCA, martial arts? Sometimes kids' attitudes are a way of expressing boredom or just releasing pent up anger. I know martial arts is particularly wonderful for focusing anger and resentment and for self-discipline. Is there a Big Brothers program available in your area? Maybe an adult male role model would be exactly what he needed.
In the meantime, be patient and loving as it appears you are. Kids go through crazy phases at all ages. Most of it is just about self-identity exploration. Good luck and best wishes.

Here's an overview of eight year old's emotional development here's the link where I copied it from

http://childparenting.about.com/cs/childdevelopment/a/eig...

Hope this helps:

"Eight year old children have emotions which are expressed openly. Anger is a prominent iotion. He may blow up at his mother, friends, and especially siblings. He is very dramatic in his verbal expression, saying This alwayshappens to me, or I neverget to do what I want. Rude and obnoxious are two descriptive terms that are frequently applied to eight-year olds. He thinks he knows more than he really does, and comes off as a know it all. He likes to argue and is critical of others, especially his mother. Eight is also impatient and wants to do things immediately. He can't stand to wait for special events such as birthdays, Christmas, and family vacations. Involving him in preparations and planning helps him cope with the torture of waiting for these special days.

Eight year olds are very attention-seeking and will follow mom around constantly.

She is constantly in and out of the house, starting activities then abandoning them Emtions shift as frequently as her activites, so usually she can be calmed quickly when upset. On the other hand, she can go from calm to furious in the blink of a shocked parent's eye.
All of these negative behaviors are eight's way of coping with his development and asserting himself into his world. If you can look past these difficult qualities to the courage and openness of your eight year old, you can avoid panic and stay hopeful. Guidance and planning for good behavior is the best strategy of a patient parent of an eight year old."

my son's doing the same thing,it's actually a age stage they are supposed to do this to make sure everything they have learned is still right,or are there friends right,do i trust mommy or the coool guys at school,you just have to go back to two year old stage ,everytime he pushes you or says no in a nice but firm voice explain very clearly and slowly what you want him to do and why.also consider any freedoms you could now give him, anything to do by himself without risking his safety.this is also the time when boys learn anger the most,keep it cool andteach him sweetness.i use this self talking phrase too"tell your mind that you can't act like that anymore" and then i tell them why it is not o.k.good luck!

I have a friend that is going through the SAME EXACT thing... She has realized that she was not in control of her home and the kids were... She is NOW regaining control... Kids need boundaries set and we need to set and ENFORCE THEM... If they don't listen then they should get punished and there is no changing your mind about it... Example: My friend told her son to go to bed last night and he told her NO and she got up and took him upstairs to his room and told him he will not play with his game system tomorrow (today).... His sister got up this morning and got herself showered and dressed and ready for church... Her brother again said NO! So, after church today he is to stay in his room with no game system all day...They went to the dollar store and his sister got something and he didn't and he flipped... She kindly explained to him that disobedience DOES NOT GET REWARDED! Your sister did what she was told so she is being rewarded for OBEDIENCE... He is mad but he will get it sooner or later... When you hear people say you have to be consistent... YOU REALLY DO! Kids will manipulate you! YOU ARE THE PARENT AND YOU MAKE THE RULES NOT THEM!!!!
YOU CAN DO IT!
I WILL PRAY FOR YOU!
K.

Hi T.--I have been reading your many responses and thought I'd "second" the suggestion on involving your son in sports. I am a single mom for 11 years. My (now 14 year old) got into recreational, then club soccer at Largo United Soccer Club--a team sport with good MALE leadership. Running running running gets out the energy, aggressive verbal. Doing what the coach says teaches a lesson--plus, I have found I can talk to his coach about any behavior difficulties and get support...someone in my corner! I do not know about other soccer clubs, but I have been active at Largo United with my son for 8 years and it is an important part of the care and direction my son gets. Plus, we have great times on the sidelines, and a lifetime of family memories! Hope this helps! D. :>