Help Talking with Young Daughter About Her 'Boyfriend'

This is something that most of us go through when the kids hit middle school.

My daughter had a fit that I "allowed" my granddaughter to "have a boyfriend" at age 13.

I explained to her that they saw each other in band and at lunch, that's it. They didn't call each other on the phone, they didn't do anything after school, they didn't text, they were friends on FB but she hardly ever goes on it. I did invite him to come over a few times to watch movies and to eat but he never, ever, went in her room or anywhere in my house where I didn't have full view of them. I understood the motive and rite of passage that this activity was. My daughter didn't like it but stopped saying things.

The kids are growing in leaps and bounds, then falling back into childhood thought patterns, then progressing again. It's part of that tween/young teen/adolescent growth stage.

In the end she grew a little mentally and realized she didn't like this boy that much and she dumped him. He called her fat and ugly. She was a size 5/6. She decided to like another boy but it was the same thing.

These "relationships" help prepare the kids for future interactions. They need to feel confident and comfortable talking to the opposite gender so that some day they'll be comfortable dating.

I will say that I am friends with 3 couples that had their eyes meet across the bandroom in 7th grade and they eventually got married and have grandkids now. They didn't have perfect relationships with no bumps though, one couple broke up for almost a whole year but realized they wanted to be together. The others were just....meant to be

I tell my granddaughter that the "relationships" she has now are just trial runs, to help her learn what she likes and doesn't like, how she wants to be treated, etc.... I tell her that she is worthy to be treated kindly and respectfully. I tell her that everyone has a bad day now and then, that we take out our anger on those we love because they're safe, they love us and won't turn on us. BUT that there's a huge difference in a boyfriend/girlfriend making snide remarks to us or snapping at us compared to what I would say is abusive or a pattern of disrespect.

I try to teach my girl that she doesn't have to settle and put up with things that make her feel bad. Hopefully she won't find that sort of boyfriend but that I will be there to support her and help her and she won't be alone.

Quite honestly, the questions depend on your daughter. I have a great relationship with my girls and they tell me stuff that is going on. One is more open than the other but if I ask a question, I know I will get the truth. The one thing I will say is do not talk to her like she has no idea--such as "you're young and don't know what its like" etc.. If she knows you will be sitting down to talk about this, great. If not, do not start it off with anything negative (not, no, etc). Ask her what she thinks about her relationship. Remind her about the rules with the phone, and let her know you saw the texts and ask her about them. What does she think. Avoid saying anything that might seem like blame. There really is not blame to put. Quite honestly, at this age it is a lot of talk but important that she knows she can come to you if she is worried. I have always told my kids that if they feel uncomfortable about something, they can come to me and ask about it without being judged.

you're off to a great start with having it be non-negotiable that you monitor all of her devices.

rather than lay down the law, i'd ask questions and listen carefully to the responses. 'honey, i was a little taken aback when i saw the picture seamus sent you. what did you think about it?'

i wouldn't rear back on my hind legs about the 'i love you' stuff. adults may not look at 13 year old relationships as love, but if you've raised your daughter to express herself honestly you also don't get to corral that. you need to ride this out with a very light rein.

i'd have a set of questions kept loosely in mind, but let the conversation go where she leads it. ask her if she's familiar with the current concerns about online sexuality, bullying, objectifying and the other pitfalls, but don't turn it into a fear-fest.

you may well discover that your smart daughter is already thinking about some of these things and has ideas that will surprise you and make you proud. it may be that the suggestive material has made her uncomfortable and she will welcome your guidance and suggestions as to how to make the boy whoa back, give HIM some good boundaries. their relationship may become even more close and positive when she feels confident that she has the tools and know-how to say NO when she needs to.

or maybe she herself will decide it's more intense than she's ready for and call it off.

but the bottom line is that it will all be better, more open and more positive if you encourage and empower her, if you are her sounding board and mentor, than if you decide to ironfist it.

please ignore the shrieking biblical cant in one response. all boys are not sexual predators.
khairete
S.

J.

My chats with my boys have NEVER stopped. it's an on-going conversation. My husband jokes about stuff and sees what they catch on to - but overall? Both of us feel it's an ongoing conversation.

At 13? Her hormones might be raging. I don't know. I would ask her what SHE feels about his messages and what she FEELS love is and what he is expecting of her.

My newly turned 18 year old (just on Monday) has a girlfriend and he has told me they are having sex. He told her I knew too. She was surprised but grateful. She will be 18 in July so everything is consensual and her mom knows as well. However, we have set boundaries and expectations - which is something we've done this whole time - again going back to the on-going conversation.

My other son is going on 16 in July - has a girlfriend and sex isn't in the equation yet - just kissing. Which is fine by me.

Both of them know the consequences for unprotected sex. We've walked them down the diaper isle and called to check on prices for infant day care. So yeah - they KNOW it's not cheap.

While she's 13 - you can't "stop" things from happening. But you can prepare her. She NEEDS to know she can SAY NO and that NO MEANS NO. Both my boys know this. Even for them!

Tell her that what you expect of her. Make it clear that you understand about hormones and the feelings, but there is more to this than just kisses. Yeah - I know a W. who had a child at 12 and she's now a grandmother because she didn't teach HER daughter any different. Yeah. TWELVE. Urgh.

You can ensure that they aren't alone. Even watching movies....so that it doesn't move any further.

Keep the lines of communication open! Don't judge and don't demand what she do.

Boyfriends/girlfriends at 13 was a can of worms we never got into with our son.
Some of his friends did - and he saw what went on.
They'd be all lovey dovey for a few weeks - and then there'd be the inevitable break up (some quite nasty) - and the spite would go on forever.
Our son was like "You do this for FUN? Why?".
I asked him what he thought about it.
He thought it was pretty stupid.
He's always had lots of friends - boys and girls.
He saw that getting romantic often ruins a good friendship.
I told him he could use me as the bad guy - he could say "My Mom won't let me date till I'm 16".

When he was older I told him that sex was for people who could afford the consequences of their choices - and - don't get anyone pregnant before you can support your family.

You've decided to do a different path.
I'm surprised your daughter knows you monitor her communications and she isn't embarrassed about the suggestive stuff this guy is sending.
Maybe she is but doesn't know how to tell him to "Cut it out! My mom's seeing this!".
Knowing how to tell a guy 'No' is a good idea before having any boyfriends.

Ask her if she is going to tell him to cool it on the suggestive stuff or if she wants you to tell him.

Think back to you when you had a boyfriend and what spending too much time with him did to you then ask her open ended questions YOU wanted answered when you were with your boyfriend. The hormones are raging and the more time they spend together the further they will want to explore. I recommend first of all keeping her busy with activities that don't involve him. I'm not saying keep her form him but that time needs to be limited just like you limit the phone from her. If she is not seeing her friends as much anymore because of her new boyfriend, that could be a problem. I believe there has to be a balance between friends, family and boyfriend. She is too young to be spending that much time with one person because the relationship could become devastating if something goes wrong-that applies to any relationship even when they hang around one friend too long and something goes wrong they have no other friends to turn to because they have only been hanging out with that just one. As far as questions about her boyfriend ...the way I got my daughter to share most things about her boyfriend (and mine is 16-first boyfriend) was to share my own experiences at that age and the feelings I went through so she could relate better--yes even those experiences you tell yourself you would never tell her. I chose to tell her because it was real and she could to relate to it. I rather her find out from me instead of her boyfriend what she needs to know about what could happen. Good luck. Overall just keep her busy with meaningful activities that build her self esteem overall. Blessings to you

Updated

Think back to you when you had a boyfriend and what spending too much time with him did to you then ask her open ended questions YOU wanted answered when you were with your boyfriend. The hormones are raging and the more time they spend together the further they will want to explore. I recommend first of all keeping her busy with activities that don't involve him. I'm not saying keep her form him but that time needs to be limited just like you limit the phone from her. If she is not seeing her friends as much anymore because of her new boyfriend, that could be a problem. I believe there has to be a balance between friends, family and boyfriend. She is too young to be spending that much time with one person because the relationship could become devastating if something goes wrong-that applies to any relationship even when they hang around one friend too long and something goes wrong they have no other friends to turn to because they have only been hanging out with that just one. As far as questions about her boyfriend ...the way I got my daughter to share most things about her boyfriend (and mine is 16-first boyfriend) was to share my own experiences at that age and the feelings I went through so she could relate better--yes even those experiences you tell yourself you would never tell her. I chose to tell her because it was real and she could to relate to it. I rather her find out from me instead of her boyfriend what she needs to know about what could happen. Good luck. Overall just keep her busy with meaningful activities that build her self esteem overall. Blessings to you

How old is this boy?talk to the boys parents and inform Romeo in front his parents that if he insists on doing adult things with your daughter he will held responsible when she becomes pregnant...at 13,a girl shouldn't be going out with a boy without supervision,the older immature boys chase around young girls typically because their easier pickings..and they don't have a Job or responsibilities.if Romeo insists on dating your daughter,put him to work Everytime he shows up..he will suddenly decide he's toobusy to date her

Updated

How old is this boy?talk to the boys parents and inform Romeo in front his parents that if he insists on doing adult things with your daughter he will held responsible when she becomes pregnant...at 13,a girl shouldn't be going out with a boy without supervision,the older immature boys chase around young girls typically because their easier pickings..and they don't have a Job or responsibilities.if Romeo insists on dating your daughter,put him to work Everytime he shows up..he will suddenly decide he's toobusy to date her

Updated

How old is this boy?talk to the boys parents and inform Romeo in front his parents that if he insists on doing adult things with your daughter he will held responsible when she becomes pregnant...at 13,a girl shouldn't be going out with a boy without supervision,the older immature boys chase around young girls typically because their easier pickings..and they don't have a Job or responsibilities.if Romeo insists on dating your daughter,put him to work Everytime he shows up..he will suddenly decide he's toobusy to date her

Updated

How old is this boy?talk to the boys parents and inform Romeo in front his parents that if he insists on doing adult things with your daughter he will held responsible when she becomes pregnant...at 13,a girl shouldn't be going out with a boy without supervision,the older immature boys chase around young girls typically because their easier pickings..and they don't have a Job or responsibilities.if Romeo insists on dating your daughter,put him to work Everytime he shows up..he will suddenly decide he's toobusy to date her

Updated

How old is this boy?talk to the boys parents and inform Romeo in front his parents that if he insists on doing adult things with your daughter he will held responsible when she becomes pregnant...at 13,a girl shouldn't be going out with a boy without supervision,the older immature boys chase around young girls typically because their easier pickings..and they don't have a Job or responsibilities.if Romeo insists on dating your daughter,put him to work Everytime he shows up..he will suddenly decide he's toobusy to date her

Updated

How old is this boy?talk to the boys parents and inform Romeo in front his parents that if he insists on doing adult things with your daughter he will held responsible when she becomes pregnant...at 13,a girl shouldn't be going out with a boy without supervision,the older immature boys chase around young girls typically because their easier pickings..and they don't have a Job or responsibilities.if Romeo insists on dating your daughter,put him to work Everytime he shows up..he will suddenly decide he's toobusy to date her