Help Setting up New Discipline Rules with New Fiance for My Child

Updated on November 06, 2006
R.S. asks from Columbia, MO
10 answers

I am a single mom who works full time out of town. I have met a wonderful man that I fell madly in love with. We are going to get married in Jan. He has much stricter ideas of discipline than what my child has been raised. This was mostly due to my ex coming up with "compromises" all the time when I was trying to be firm. So I am all for our joint idea of better boundaries, better word than discipline. As a very protective mom, I want to make sure that he doesn't upset my daughter. We have talked about having to educate her on these new boundaries, because she has not been taught them. My ex, on the other hand, has no rules for her over at his mom's house where he lives. It's like play time over there all the time. They share a room and consequently a bed at his mom's house. (I have several issues). :) So how do I teach my daughter these better boundaries without her being confused of what she can do where? And how do I protect her from getting her feelings hurt if my fiance reprimands her for something she has not known or practiced? Also she is having a hard time getting "Mommie" time. She asked the other night if she could sleep with me again sometime. I know it was not the best thing to do, but she slept between me and my ex for several, several months before we separated. She was my barrier. Then after he left, we loved sleeping together although I was trying to get her back into her bed. She's 10. Have I mentioned that? Any suggestions on the sleeping issues? I'm a mess. I appreciate any friendly advice.

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So What Happened?

I thank you all for your help. I am aware that my daughter needs her own bed. I've talked with her dad and that has been taken care of. I appreciate the response about discipline relating to unconditional love. I took that to heart. My fiance and I are going to see my counselor to help us sort out these new issues. My fiance is an understand man and is willing to do whatever it takes to make this a happy, healthy family. Thanks for all the advice.

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J.

answers from Kansas City on

As a step-mom to a 11 year old girl, I know from my experience that your daughter will quickly learn what is acceptable behavior at each house. My step-daughter isn't being taught manners at her mom's (chewing with mouth closed, table manners, etc) but she's learning what is acceptable behavior at our house on the weekends.

The mom keeps saying she's a kid, but the manners need to start somewhere and I'd rather we teach her at age 11 than she learn the hard way on a date or job interview.

Good Luck!

J.

1 mom found this helpful
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A.H.

answers from Springfield on

R.,

I would recommend you use the "Family Rules" policy in your home. As with the start of any new relationship or in your case, a new merging of households, situations need to be evaluated. New policies need to be modified. Your flexible ways may need to become more stricter, but your fiance's might have to be more laxed and understanding. Find a happy medium and decide these new guidelines TOGETHER!

Using new family rules and procedures will ensure that his child or yours doesn't feel signaled out and that you both have a say in the raising of the children.

To bring the whole family up-to-date and implement new policies/rules, hold a family meeting. As I was told by a professional, whatever rules you put in play...you need to allow at least 2 months before evaluating the new rules in place to make changes cause it can take kids that long to adjust to change. At that point, evaluate what is working and what isn't, then make the nessessary changes and try that for 2 months, re-evaluate until you find something that works for all..and remember to BE CONSISTENT!!! Reward the positive and disapline the negative.

Some good books to consider on this topic:

Resources by Henry Cloud and John Townsend:

Boundaries
Boundaries Workbook
Boundaries audio
Boundaries video curriculum

Boundaries in Dating
Boundaries in Dating Workbook
Boundaries in Dating audio
Boundaries in Dating curriculum

Boundaries in Marriage
Boundaries in Marriage Workbook
Boundaries in Marriage audio
Boundaries in Marriage curriculum

Boundaries with Kids
Boundaries with Kids Workbook
Boundaries with Kids audio
Boundaries with Kids curriculum

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No, to Take Control of Your Life

Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No

Another good one is the Nanny 9-1-1 book.

Check with the reference desk at your local public library to see what is available for FREE. I'm sure the reference desk can also direct you to more titles of books--regular and audio, as well as videos that may help your situation..either stop by or call them via phone for more information. All you need is to apply for a library card if you don't have one and they are usually free if you live in the County of that library. For further details applying for one and what you need to do so, contact the your local library.

Nanny 9-1-1 and Super Nanny are also good shows to learn disapline techniques. Check local listings for date and time of airings.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful
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L.S.

answers from Kansas City on

Good Morning, My name is L. Shaughnessy. I am a marirage and family therapist in Kansas City, Missouri, and a mother of three children. I read your posting this morning, and I would like to suggest that your fiance and you consider family counseling to resolve your parenting differences. I work with belnded families all fo the time (when you get married, you will be creating a blended family!) Parenting issues are among the most stressful adjustments to make, and it is important to workthem out in advance. It will be best for your daughter, and for your marriage. There is a parenting book that I recommend to all of my clients- Parenting with Love and Logic, by Cline anf Fay. It has worked wonders in our home, and my clients love it too. If you decide to get counseling, you are welcome to give me a call. I really don't mean for this to be a solicitation- this is simply an issue I feel strongly about. I know amny good therapists in town. Good luck to you, and if you have any questions, email me! thanks!

1 mom found this helpful
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D.T.

answers from Tulsa on

Dr Phil says that a Step parent should not be in on the discipline. Having been the 10 year old step daughter when my mother remarried I would abide by that. His book FAMILY FIRST has a great set of chapters on Step parents and what not to do.

My husband would never interfere when my oldest was with us. He would be there as a supporting presence but he had no say in the decisions.

Now at 10 she's old enough to read so we post the house rules and a reward system for the days that she follows all the rules. For every infraction she should lose something she loves.

You can't set rules for time with dad. That is his time and he should set the boundaries. The only one I would interject is that he needs to sleep on the couch not in the bed with her. If you need to send an aerobed and sleeping bag with her every weekend. Be firm because this is an issue that you can raise in court and he won't like the results.

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A.L.

answers from Kansas City on

R.:

Not that you actually asked for advice on this issue, but a 10 year old girl should not be sharing a bed with her father. Pretty soon she will hit puberty, and it is not appropriate (it sounds like you already know that). It is important that you and your fiance sit down with your daughter ahead of time, and discuss the rules/boundaries...It is not fair for her to get into trouble for something that she is not aware of. Just think if you got into trouble and work for taking an hour lunch break (which you have done every day), and they changed it to a half of an hour, without telling you. In addition, to make the transistion smooth (and avoid resentment) you really need to continue to be the main disciplinarian until your husband has been involved for a longer period of time.

A. L

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J.L.

answers from Wichita on

I would set your daughter down and rxplsin to her in wirds she understands about the fact that your fiance wants to set new rules and ways of doing things; with different consequences. BTW, did you ever go to Glenpool High School? Reason I asked is b/c I went to school with a girl whose name was R.. I think It is a very pretty name. Please let me know how things turn out; my e-mail address is ____@____.com

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B.O.

answers from St. Louis on

I think the best thing for your entire family is for you and your fiance to be on the same page and then relay that to your daughter. As for her father, you just have to realize that you can't stop him from doing what he does with her. She's old enough to understand the differences. If you have concerns about the sleeping arrangement, you should say something. A 10 year old girl sleeping inthe same bed with her father is just inappropriate! Same rook, ok, get her her own bed! Good luck!

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P.B.

answers from Peoria on

it's not good for a ten year old to sleep with the parent unless she has fears. as for sharing the discipline, just let him know how you do things and always include him in what he thinks also. compromise

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S.P.

answers from Kansas City on

R.,

Here is the reason step parents should not "discipline," at least not for awhile. Parents care for and love a child from the time of its birth. The discipline a parent hands out comes in small doses within a context of great love, so that the child does not misunderstand at all that the parents' love is great and the discipline is just circumstancial.

By contrast, the child does not have a long history of love from the step parent. Discipline will be felt as criticism and negative feedback, without a context of love in which the criticism and feedback is received. And of course, when a new adult moves into the family situation, a child worries about change - will the new adult will like them, will it change how their parent treats them, will their comfy family suddenly become uncomfortable. A new marriage is great for you, but may be full of fear for a kid.

Parents can understand all this intellectually, but children can't. The most important goal is to help your daughter realize she remains loved and wanted, and that the new fiance does not represent a threat to that. Because discipline can be seen as criticism and dislike and undermine this goal, step-parenting books all recommend leaving the discipline to the parent until the relationship between child and step-parent deepens. Although it's difficult to put a time-frame on this, many books recommend up to two years - YES THAT'S A LONG TIME but trust-building takes a long time - while the new step- parent works conscientiously to demonstrate acceptance, so a bond of mutual appreciation and hopefully real love can develop.

In the meantime, if you agree with your fiance on the necessary changes, you don't have to wait to start making them. Remember, though, too much change at once is not a good thing. Perhaps you and your fiance can concoct a list of the things you want to change and work on one or two for a few months, and then add another one - always making YOU be the one who sets the boundaries and offers the reminders and reprimands. This may be too slow for your fiance's sense of decorum - he clearly has a different set of ideas about parenting and is uncomfortable with what he sees - but keep in mind that you do not want to force many new behaviors at once. Change is difficult, no matter your age, and the new marriage is already a very big change. Hopefully your fiance does not have a "control issue" and can learn to let go enough to make changes in a healthy time frame.

Here's what I think about different rules at each parent's house. Don't worry about it. Just as kids adjust to different teacher's expectations, they will adjust to different expectations at different households. You will no doubt hear some "daddy doesn't make me do that," or "you didn't make me do this before HE was here," for awhile. You know, both of those statements are TRUE, so don't reprimand her for saying them. Ask your fiance not to personalize this or be defensive when he hears it, and use the opportunity to tell her why you've changed the routine...maybe earlier bedtime because kids who get enough sleep are smarter at school. Or maybe table manners because she needs to know them to be a good guest at her friends' homes. In other words, you implement rules for good reasons and you may as well say why! If there's no reason then ask yourself if the rule is really necessary...

One final word. I am on my second set of kids. These kids are not mine. I hated what I saw when I walked in here - they ate McDonald's every night and lunch AND dinner on weekends, and their breakfast was a sweet roll. Our son ate no protein, fruits or veggies AT ALL, had terrible mood issues and was doing terribly in school. One of our daughters' diets was nearly as bad. I apologize to anyone reading this who thinks this is an ok way to feed kids, but I'm a health nut. There also was no bedtime. At 4, 6 and 9 they were falling asleep wherever they dropped, at maybe 11 p.m. This was the routine at both mom's and dad's. Because these things seemed like health and well-being issues, it was VERY HARD for me to keep my mouth shut - it NEVER got easier. But it turned out that Dad WANTED to change, but without support felt it was impossible. We picked issues we felt were the most important and began working on them slowly. We made their bedtime half an hour earlier each week until it got to the compromise it is today (8:30 is what we shoot for, but it doesn't always happen). We introduced "no-thank-you bites" and made a fun game out of "trying new things." We did not force foods beyond the no-thank-you bite until we knew they liked something. Dad had to make all these new rules and enforce them. My job was to build a loving relationship with the kids and coach Dad in the background. Believe it or not, neither of those jobs was easy. Being a rule-maker makes you feel mean. Biting your tongue makes you feel helpless. We fought about both aspects sometimes, but we stayed the course as much as we could.

You know what, the funniest thing happened! I actually DO love the kids now, and they know it. Our family has gradually turned into a more normal family, and I can occasionally reprimand them - from a place of love. I still let dad handle the big reprimands or the two of us do it as a united front. My point is, TRUST ME, all of you will be happier in the end if you take it slowly, no matter how hard it is for your fiance to watch behavior he hates. I sometimes had to leave the room (once I even left the house) so I didn't have to watch. But it was the best course of action for the kids.

By the way, if your fiance cannot slow down and see his role as "building a loving relationship with your daughter" and "supporting your parenting" rather than dictating behavior, you absolutely MUST get family counseling. Otherwise your wonderful new relationship will deteriorate. I've seen it happen with too many others...

GOOD LUCK. This is not an easy problem.

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D.Y.

answers from Springfield on

I think that since you care about this man enough to make him a permanent part of your family that he should be allowed to take part in the discipline. You can not protect your daughter from getting her feelings hurt because as she gets older guess what? Mom is going to be the one to hurt her feelings. We dont mean to but it happens. I would set the whole household down and set up the rules. ALL parents have different concepts of parenting and that is to be expected. First talk to the new fiance without your daughter and discuss what the rules are going to be. After the two of you have decided and believe me it will not be easy call a family meeting. We have these at our house as the man in my life is not the birth father but still a very respected indivual in our house. At this meeting talk about the upcoming marriage and just what it will mean in the house. New rules, sleeping arrangements whatever. She is 10 she is well on her way to knowing what she wants and will use any means to get it. Remember that. She will play one parent against the other and since there are 3 of you be very clear that that is not allowed and will be disciplined. Post the rules for all to see and if something comes up you and hubby need to discuss it before you discipline. Please be sure to give him room to exercise his rights as a father because he will be a big influence in your daughters life now. If you dont let him in on the raising of your daughter what good is it to even have a joining of the two of you. You are a ready made family. Talk to him see how he feels and take his feelings into consideration. He may have some very good ideas. At 10 she really is too old for spankings but taking away priveleges is # 1 I dont care who you ask. Kids relate to that as well as grounding and such.
As far as the sleeping thing goes. Explain to your daughter that if she wants mommie time it can not be sleeping in the bed with you anymore. She is a young lady now and young ladies do not sleep with their parents. Really push the young lady and maybe she will see on her own what her dad is doing is WRONG IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS. There are 10 year old girls who are already having their period. Not many but yes their are. Tell your husband that if he does not stop sleeping with his pre-teen girl she will not be able to come over to sleep. She will have to come home. Maybe he does not think of her as a young lady and still his little girl. The first mistake was to put her in between the two of you at a bad time in your life. I am sure you did not mean it that way but she is a child and had no reason to be in your bed between the two of you as a barrier. Being a single mom is hard but it gets done all of the time. You will have help in your home soon and let him be a dad. Dont make a mountain out of a mole hill where the discipline is concerned. You never know; they (your daughter and fiance) may enjoy you being out of the house for a bit so that they can get to know each other out from under moms watchfull eye. Believe me we do have a watchful eye or we would not be good moms.
As far as the ex goes it stinks I know but if your daughter is smart one day she will see what is going on over there (if she doesnt all ready ) and say something to him. I know my son asked his dad why they dont have rules and if he was trying to get him to like him better. He is 10. Just turned 10 in September. He also told him that he does not have to do what he is doing if he likes him he likes him if he doesnt he doesnt and he (dad) can not change that.
Just let it flow it will all work out. Yes there are going to be bumps and yes your daughter will get her feelings hurt and get dissapointed but then who didnt as a kid?.It is part of what makes us who we are as adults.

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