Help! Potty Training That Is Going No Where.

Updated on March 14, 2009
D.H. asks from Grand Junction, CO
23 answers

My son just turned 3 yrs old. We started working on potty training when he turned 2 yrs old. We have tried every advise given to us. We try a piece of candy if he goes potty, cheerios in the toilet, we put him in just underwear, pull-ups or he was been completely naked. We have set a timer that he can hear and know that it's time to go. We bought him a urinal (he now has 3 different choices of what he wants to potty in). We recently tried to bribe him with a toy, or getting him a jungle gym. We made a potty chart so that he can put stickers on it when he goes, so that he know how close he will be to his prize. We have sat down and talked with him, he seems to understand the concept when we ask him where pee and poop go. He just refuses to go on his own, and the last two weeks he has started throwing fits (crying and screaming) if we mention that it's time to go potty.
We have even tried the advice of letting him potty out side. We've tried being h*** o* him and then we also tried backing way off and acting like it's not a big deal. We make a big deal when he does go in the potty (clapping, cheering etc.) I just don't know what else to do.

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C.P.

answers from Pocatello on

I know potty training is something that you want to get done because diapers are no fun but after 6 kids this is my feeling on it. If all you're doing is hitting a brick wall stop he may not be ready and fighting will just make it worse for everyone. Take a break from it it'll happen in his time. I've had kids potty trained at 18 months and almost 4 so it really depends on the child. I just would't fight it because from experience it just makes it worse. good luck

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K.B.

answers from Denver on

just keep at it, and eventually it will happen. This is the one thing that I felt I truly had no control over. It is hard, but it will happen! My boys are 5 1/2 and 3 1/2. We've been at it with the 3 year old for about 6 months, and it is still a work in progress.

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P.D.

answers from Denver on

Honestly, I would back way, way off. You have a very big power struggle brewing and this is not one you can win because, like eating and sleeping, no one can MAKE you when you don't want to. The more he sees you trying to make it happen, the more he will dig in his heels. At this point, it has to be when he wants to do it and on his terms. I'm sure when he decides, he'll be more than physically ready. If you completely drop the subject and just put him in diapers or pull-ups, he will probably surprise you one day on his own! Right now he can't do it and still save face. I promise, he WILL get this. I've been through it 3 times, and I definitely learned the hard way with the 1st. He came around within a week of my backing off. Good luck!

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B.P.

answers from Salt Lake City on

He may not be ready yet. I don't think there is a magic age that all kids need to be potty trained by. I agree with the other moms just back off for a while, he may surprise you when he is no longer under all the pressure.

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M.P.

answers from Denver on

Hey, D.. Here is what worked for our twin boys also at age three. We knew they were ready, because they were beginning to play games with us..."can I have a toy?" or "I'm mad Mommy" and poop under the table. We tried everything as well and nothing worked, untill this:

Our pediatrician told us to - LET them go in their underwear. I know, gross! Then, make HIM clean up his mess of cleaning underwear in the tub, starting a load of laundry, washing the floor or wall or toilet or whatever is messed from it, wash his hands and have him pick out new underwear and pants. Of course you'll have to help, but make him do the majority of it.

The key to this (and it's hard to do!) is to stay completely calm and act like it's just a fact of life that when you mess, you have to clean up. Rather than making a fuss about it, we said "well, guess you'll have to clean up again. But don't worry big guy, you can try to make it to the potty next time. I beleive in you!". It's hard when you have pee or poo everywhere and seemingly endless cleanup, but well worth it.

Our boys both went through this procedure only twice each and even began to sleep through the night in underwear! We were psyched. Good luck to you and your big boy.

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L.C.

answers from Denver on

My suggestion -- drop the entire topic altogether. You won't win this. In my experience it is going to be your child who will decide. He'll get there. Just drop it, don't talk about it, put the pullups aback on and see what happens. Perhaps reapproach the subject in a few months. We did very non-stress potty training before three as well but absolutely no pressure. It wasn't until the week after my son turned three and HE DECIDED that he wanted to only wear big boy underwear. We had a few weeks of daily accidents but overall he did great but it was on his terms.

Let it go. it's not about when you are ready.

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C.B.

answers from Denver on

He is not ready yet, don't push it.

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J.S.

answers from Salt Lake City on

I agree with Patti. This isn't about the potty - this is a power struggle. I agree that you should back way off. After a while, I would just casually mention (not to him, but around him) to someone else how grown up someone you know is because they use the potty like a big boy. Don't overdo it, just give other people around him a little extra attention or praise for being so big. Don't even mention it to him. When he does decide to try again (and he will), tell him you are proud of him, but again - don't overdo the praise. At this point, if he thinks is too big of a deal to you, he's going to not do it just to push your buttons. Just casually make it sound really cool when he's around & will hear - but never talk directly to him about it or make it about him. He will come around sooner or later.

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A.T.

answers from Denver on

I got the best results when I stopped trying to control my child's potty trips. I tended to get REALLY frustrated with my daughter, finally though I read & realized that IT's HER BODY and therefore something entirely in her control, not mine. Lo & behold, when I stopped mentioning the potty all together, she started going by herself, it all came together.

Good luck, & good mommin'!

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D.W.

answers from Boise on

I say put him back in diapers for a couple months. Is he dry at night? That's usually a sign for when a child is ready to train. When you do it again, throw the diapers and pull-ups away in front of him. Tell him they are all gone! This is very important!! Don't ever use them again, even at night.

Then, set aside at least 4 days straight where you don't go anywhere or do anything except potty train. It usually takes 1-2 days, but you need the other two days for them to feel comfortable. Maybe do one errand on the 4th day long enough that they will have to go at the store.

Ask if his panties are dry every 15 minutes. Take him to the bathroom every 30 minutes. If he has an accident, ask him if his panties are dry again. This is how they learn what dry and wet feels like. After he goes on the potty once, give a lot of praise (a treat if you feel it's necessary). After that, start talking about how he needs to tell you when he needs to go because you want them potty trained, not parent-trained. Never get upset or take it personally. Always make it positive. Have them practice what they do when they need to go from all areas of the house. Teach them how to hurry as soon as they think they need to go. If there's an accident, just reinforce why you have to hurry and why you have to keep practicing until they get it right.

Best wishes!

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T.C.

answers from Provo on

We had the same experience with our son. He was not potty trained until he was 3 1/2 years old. I finally decided I was tired of the struggle. I was going to wait awhile and let him decide when he was more ready. I did have people telling me they had their kids trained at 18 months and 2 years. Other people commented on his age and him not being trained. One mom told me to set a timer and put him on the toilet every hour. I would just tell them he wouldn't go to school in diapers and they would laugh. I let my son take a break and a couple of months later I asked him about it. He wasn't really excited about it so I waited another couple of months. I asked him about wearing big boy underwear and let him pick out some. I told him to let me know when he wanted to go. I could tell he was more interested and ready this time so we just went for it and reminded him to use the bathroom. He didn't like the wet underwear. After the first couple days, we only had a couple of accidents and he was trained. I didn't have any success using pull ups because he just treated them like diapers.

I would just back off for awhile and not worry about what age he is going to be potty trained. In the long run, why does it really matter? Good luck! I know, if you are like me, you are tired of the diapers.

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J.N.

answers from Salt Lake City on

Most moms are very surprised to hear that the average age of a boy being potty trained is about 3 1/2. It sounds like he just isn't ready, whether it's physically (his nervous system isn't mature enough to control it very well) or emotionally. I would just put him back in diapers (they're cheaper than pull-ups anyway) and wait. Don't mention the potty for at least 6 months, unless he brings it up first.
Being ready to potty train has very little to do with how smart a child is. So even bright kids (and maybe, especially the bright ones - for several reasons) are not necessarily ready to potty train early or "on time".

When you do start potty training, pick one place for him to go potty. If he has to stop and decide which to use, he's not going to make it on time. The fewer things to think about, the easier it will be for him to go potty.

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C.E.

answers from Denver on

It sounds like he's not ready and now it's a power struggle. It's something he can control and he's going to. Leave it be. He'll go when he's ready. Boys take a little longer than girls for some reason (at least in my experience) but he'll get there.

Good luck!

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S.S.

answers from Salt Lake City on

I have to say that I don't think he's ready. My son wasn't potty trained until 3.5 years old. Some may gasp that he was that old but he wasn't ready and I didn't want to force the issue and have him regress later when my daughter was born. Once he started to show interest I got a bucket and filled it with snack size candy and he would get 1 candy for #1 and 2 candies for #2. When he saw the selection and was ready to go, he was excited to pick out a treat. In my opinion, don't force it, he'll show interest when he's ready. By the way all the mom's I know said their boys weren't potty trained until well after the age of 3. So no stress, it'll happen. :) Good luck!

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K.P.

answers from Denver on

I wouldn't push the issue. Our son was 3 1/2 when he finally got trained. He saw dad go and thought it was cool. He decided to start and he never wore a diaper again. He wet the bed twice after that and never had any other accidents. I tried everything and just decided he needed to want to go or it just wouldn't work and thats exactly what happened. He is now 17 so at that time they didn't have diapers past a size 4 and he was wearing bikini diapers as I called them but he just needed to be ready. Boys just seem to take longer, my other 2 boys were almost 3 but my daughter was only 2. Hope this helps and good luck.

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J.W.

answers from Great Falls on

If I read right< you've been going back and forth between diapers and "potty training" for a year?? Potty training for a few days, then back to diapers?? I've trained 3 kids before they all turned 2.5. I think the key is to actually committ to NO DIAPERS. If you really want to potty train the child they have to know that mom is serious. No more diapers (at least during the day), pull ups are diapers too. Get rid of them, show your child. Potty training will take at least a week of poop and pee messes, but if you stick with it you should see success around the 4th day. Until then it won't seem like it is working. By the time a child is 3 they are getting really smart, it could become a power struggle or they just realize that mom isn't really serious about no diapers. I think kids should be potty trained at about 2.5 years, before they get smart enough to realize mom doesn't know everything:)

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J.L.

answers from Provo on

Just so you can be comforted in knowing you are not the only one with a 3 year old not potty trained, I thought I'd write. My approach has been a little different though just because my husband and I decided there were worse things than messy diapers and having to buy them. Especially since we have a younger child still in diapers and our little girl probably likes to revert every now and then because of him. We didn't even actively try to potty train her until a couple of months ago when she found some underwear she liked and I told her she couldn't wear them unless she started using the potty, and so she did. Still we would have to remind her. Now we go through stages, one week she's really good about telling us, and the next she wants to be back in diapers. This week has been one of those weeks, but she has also had some bowel problems, so I think that is more the issue. She's smart enough, just doesn't want to, and for us it is a lot less stressful to just go at her pace. We always try to encourage her to use the potty, but we don't force the issue. I know eventually she will care, just right now she doesn't, and I don't know that there is a whole lot we can do about it. But that is how we approach it, it may not be the approach you want to take and I'm not saying that it even works for you or your situation. I just thought I would share this to see if it was useful at all.

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G.M.

answers from Salt Lake City on

Potty training can be so stressful! My little girl turned 3 in January, and we had started trying to train her at about 21/2. Same thing - the didn't want to use the potty - would cry and say it was "yucky poopy!" She had no interest, so I just put her in pull-ups and left it alone.
About a week ago, she decided she wanted to wear panties, so I put her in them, and reminded her that we needed to keep her big-girl panties dry. She has done really well! A few accidents, of course...
To get to my point, they just need to be ready. My first daughter was totally trained at 26 months, the 2nd took longer. I think it's completely up to the child and when he or she is ready to potty!
Good luck - hang in there! It will happen eventually!

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M.M.

answers from Denver on

Oh my gosh... try this, I swear!!!! http://www.3daypottytraining.com

I trained my 28 month old last weekend. We have had no wet beds and no accidents for 48 hours now. Seriously, I swear by this program as do many of my friends and family!!!!

p.s. It gives you the tools to end power struggles and I can not stress enough the brilliance of this plan! Well worth the money!!!

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J.L.

answers from Pocatello on

The fact is kids don't get toilet trained until their ready, no matter what you do. My girls were late bloomers in that respect and just weren't ready until they were about 3 - 3 1/2. Some kids just take longer than others. I would recommend laying off for a while and see what he does. All of you effort may be having the opposite affect that you want. One thing you may want to try when you do resume potty training again is to make sure he cleans up his own mess when he has an accident. Don't be harsh or make a big deal about it, just make it clear that it's his mess and he needs to clean it up. After a while he will probably not like cleaning up the mess.

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A.B.

answers from Provo on

If you think about it, potty training is the one thing that a toddler has in his control. You dictate when he goes to bed, what and when he eats, activities and everything else about his world...can you blame him wanting to control this? Let him know all the reasons going in the toilet is good and then step back and let him decide to do it. Put it all on him and let go of the control because when it comes right down to it...you can't make him do this. You can cojole, threaten, beg and preach but as long as it is something that you care about it is a way that he can manipulate you too.

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D.K.

answers from Denver on

Let it go for three months. Put him in pullups and let it go, seriously.
He will do it, now it is a power struggle and you won't win this one.
He will do it when he is ready.
He will have something he really wants and be ready to do what it takes to get there.
Just leave it with "okay, when you are ready to be a big boy in big boy underwear, let me know"...then leave it alone unless he comes to you.
If there is a specific big boy thing going and he wants to be part of it or wants a big boy toys, just simply and very nicely remind him "well you choose not to be a big boy yet so maybe another time"...let it go.
Change his pullups like normal, not fun but seriously, if you let it go there is a very good liklihood when he is ready it will be very easy.
My daugther regressed after being potty trained early. At 28 mos she was potty trained, then she had to have her tonsils out and baby brother came along. So she was back in pullups at 3. Then about 3 1/2, Santa called and told her he would be really proud if she was in big girl pants and he had big girl presents this year. She put down the phone and was in underwear and it was done 100%.
If your son sees it as something he can control and is, he will right now. If he sees you react he will continue the behavior. He may just not be ready.
He has to fully be able to hold it, control it and if he isn't up for it what else can you do?
There is no magic trick, every child is different but I am betting if you leave it alone for a few months, he will either come to you or if you restart it in a different way after a break he will be ready.
I know for my son, he wanted Transformers which I was very firm were only for big boys (which they were) so I had a chart up and he had to earn it. I put it on the fridge so he had a reminder what he was working towards, two weeks later he got it.
I never put mine in underwear until we were ready as it lessened the stress big time.
Hang in there, he will do it, he won't be in pullups in college. Just don't push it right now.

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J.W.

answers from Pueblo on

I agree with giving up for awhile. Put him back in diapers. Give it a few weeks (or longer) and start talking about it again. At that time, give praise to others who are using the toilet (mom, dad, friends...) or talk to dad about other people going to the bathroom (totally passive aggressive stuff). See if he's interested in the conversations. When he is, start talking about it to him and go from there.

I think you said you have done this, but we did not use Pull Ups except at night - my daughter, to this day, will pee in a Pull Up if I put her in one - she just knows it won't make her wet.

Good luck! Potty training is the pits!

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