Hi, I was wondering if I could please ask for some advice on how to handle my 3 year old daughter's behavior. First let me say that she is a really loving and wonderful daughter most of the time. However, my husband and I have been dealing with her occasional not so fun behavior since she was 2. We were so hoping that the "terrible two's" would be over when she turned 3 but it seems to be getting worse. Some of the behaviors that are hard to handle are her complete defiance. Talking back. Rudeness. When she has her meltdowns she will scream at the top of her lungs or crumble crying if she doesn't get her way or get what she wants. She has no problem throwing these tantrums in public either. Lately she has been mean to her sibling and grandparents...hitting, pushing, or pulling hair. My husband and I use timeout and/or Calm down time with her but it doesn't seem to work. We've tried to teach her good manners and right from wrong but her negative behavior continues. We have given her praises when we see her using good manners, being nice to her sibling, etc... What I would like to know are...does this stage ever end? What am I doing wrong? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Hi, I just wanted say Thank You to everyone who took the time to respond to my post. I really appreciate all of the advice/suggestions and postitive support you have given to me. I plan on posting again in about a month or so to give everyone an update on how things with my daughter have gone. Thanks again!
Also, to all of the mommy's out there I wanted to say Happy Mother's Day!!! I hope you had a wonderful day.
Get the Book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. Use it. She'll be the loving and respectful child you know she is inside.
All the "teaching right" in the world is useless when there is no consequence worth reckoning with for wrong. Time outs are very rarely effective. Now is the time to nip the disrespect in no uncertain terms! You can do it! Get the book.
This is wha I put on the other post. Know that age 3 is just 2's aftermath. It is the beginning of the struggle for who's boss. It's a war you must win. I know this is long, but it is really effective.
1. Decide on a list of rules to follow. Make them easy to understand and frame them in a positive way. For instance, "Use gentle hands and feet." The beauty is that it can apply to people, pets or kitchen cabinets. "Use kind words." "Take care of your things and our things." "Listen to Mommy's words." Simple, easy to understand, reinforce and follow.
2. Now make a list of consequences. They should be age appropriate and easy to follow through on. If he forgets to use gentle hands and doesn't listen to your ONE warning, the consequence should follow. I would do time out for that. For unkind words, I would excuse him from the room I was in. For not taking care of his things, he would lose them for the day and if it was family stuff he would lose access to it for the day. If he jumped on the sofa, he wouldn't be allowed to use it. If he slammed his door, a small towel would go over the top of it so he couldn't shut the door for the day...and so on.
3. Make a list of reward for following the rules. Could be minutes of tv time, stickers, a toy from the "toy chest" that you can make with cheap dollar toys, a trip to the park or outside to play. Play to his greed. Whatever he loves, use it as a reward.
4. Make a large chart of the rules with the corresponding consequence for breaking that rule and the reward for following it. Put the chart in a noticeable spot in the house where you can take it to read to him and remind him of the rules. Every time you come in the house, read the chart with him. When he wakes up in the morning read the chart to him. When he breaks the rules, refer him to the chart and remind him ONE time and remind him of the consequence and the reward.
5. Follow through. Each and every time. No exceptions. Be consistent. It will help him learn and will give him a sense of structure and security. If you don't follow the rules and consequences you set out for him, you become a liar and he will constantly test if you are telling him the truth.
6. Have several things available for him to do. A rambunctious child is trouble when they don't have a place to put their energy. Have playdoough, blocks, crayons and paper handy at all times. When you are doing a chore, give him something to do as well. Teach him to sort socks, fold washrags, put the cups in the dishwasher. If you are cleaning give him a wet rag to "wash the table." Kids love to mimic what adults are doing at that age. Use that. When you plan your time, plan his as well. Even plan in free time for him, but don't let it be unlimited. It should be exciting to get to do his own thing, not boring because he does it all the time.
6. Give positive corrections and redirect him when possible. Instead of saying, "Stop pulling the dogs ears" say "Pet the dog gently" or "She likes her back scratched." and if that doesn't work, remind him of the gentle hands rule and remove him from the dog and onto a directed activity. "The rule says we use gentle hands, let's go find your cars and play with them and see if you can remember to be gentle with the dog in a little bit." If he doesn't follow through with your one warning, then go to the consequence.
Whatever you choose, stick with it for at least a month. It takes three weeks to develop new habits and sometimes we parents don't think something works because we haven't given it enough time to work.
Hope this helps.
Keep up the good work! She will eventually mature more, get better at communicating, get better at handling disappointments and frustrations. Some days it feels like a very long road, but don't worry, she'll get there. It takes years.
I am glad you asked this I am having the same problem with my 3 year old son.
I just responded to a similar post that you commented on. I hope what I wrote helps someone. Good luck to you and keep us posted on progress.
Three year olds can be just as bad or worse than twos in my opinion. I taught preschoolers for years, and did not like the three years olds much at all, loved the fours. Have you tried talking to her, asking her questions to find out the whys behind the behavior. See if she can come up with her own solution to fix the behavior. ie, It looks like you just hit so and so, can you tell me why. or it looks like something sad happened here, can you tell me what it is? Well, why do you say that? Is so and so mad or sad now? What do you think you can do to make them feel better, etc. We used this a lot in preschool and it worked great most of the time. sometimes it took a long time to go through the process...but anyway, if you have not tried it something else to try. By four they are generally much better. If not, you can get them observed for behavior issues and feed back from professionals (ask your doc). Every child is different, mostly be consistant when you find something that works with her! Good luck, they can be a challenge!
no advice, i posted the EXACT SAME QUESTION right after you did!!! we are obviously not alone my friend. i hope we both get some good advice. be sure to read my answers too in case we both get responses, lol.
idk what to tell you (us), good luck to you mama! :)
this is SO HARD isn't it??
Get The Power of Validation by Karyn D. Hall and Melissa H Cook. It might sound like a tangential or indirect approach, but there is no other book, method, or ideology that is so incredibly and healthily effective as what is described in this book. I am a special Ed teacher with a 2 year old son. I have studied so many behavior modification programs and theories I could fill bookshelves with the things I have read. (I specialize in working with kids with emotional/behavioral disturbance). It makes you be honest with yourself as a parent/authority/role model and requires a lot of maturity, but the results are so remarkable that I find it becomes easier and easier. I have had so many parents ask me: how do you get my child to respond to you like that? S/he is NEVEr so reasonable with me! How did you avoid that tantrum?
I have one answer: validation. It's probably not what you think it is. So please, please read the book. I try to follow up when I convince people to read it, and so far every response has been the same: I wish I'd found this sooner. This is THE parenting (or teaching) book.
I really hope more parents find and read this book--I am forever grateful that I did. Even if my enthusiasm can be a little intense :)
You and your spouse must always be on the same page.
You must present a united front.
No arguing or disagreeing in her presence.
You must not ever let her win.
You must be consistent - always. No matter what! Even in public. If she acts up in a store, leave your cart and haul her sorry butt out of there.
Set the rules and the consequences and don't deviate.
If you thought 2 was bad, hang on!
It will get better, but you have to be consistent.
LBC
