Help, My Son Gets Angry Often and Thinks I Don't like Him!

It sounds like he does need to talk to someone. I have a child like this. I would suggest that you just make the appointment and take him. You can tell him he has a dr. appt. You could tell him you are all going to talk to someone about the family getting along better, etc. I wouldn't leave it up to him to decide. Don't give him that control, it will lead to more problems down the road. I also wouldn't tell him about the appt. until the day of the appt.

He is feeling abandoned. It is a grief/loss issue and that takes time to heal. The stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Sounds like he's in the angry stage. Just let him know that you won't abandon him too. Be there to talk with him.

R.,

As a parent I would be concerned about his response that he doesn't "like his life". I think a counselor would be a good idea and one you may have to negotiate with him. Is there something he has been wanting for a while? Well, explain that if he goes to the counselor and really talks with them then he can earn points toward his dream toy, vacation, a trip to see one of his best friends, etc. Don't dismiss the idea because it seems like a bribe. As adults we work for pay, we earn bonuses, trade something for something. Everyone likes to know that their hard work will pay off. Involve your son in the decision making and have him help you pick out a counselor. Someone who seems perfect to you may not click with your son on his level.

Also, is there a way you can make a trip out to see his friends. It can be very hard for children to adjust to such drastic changes in a short period of time. He may be feeling ostrisized by the kids in his new school and even more alone after his friends moved away.

You might want to set up a consult with his teachers at school. Have they noticed any disturbing behavior? Does he have any friends at school? They may be able to help him by partnering him with one of his friends during a class project.

The school counselor may also be able to help you understand what he is feeling. These are issues that need to be addressed. He may not open up to you, but he does need to open up to someone, whoever that may be.

Good luck and I hope you are able to help him understand that he is loved and cared for.

R.,

My youngest son had a habit of getting angry and yelling when things did not go his way so my husband and I sat down with both of our sons and made some rules regarding appropriate behavior. We told them they were free to express their opinions or feelings as long as they did not become angry or yell and profanity was definitely not acceptable. When my youngest son would accuse me of not liking him anymore or tell me that he hated me, I would respond by telling him that it was his behavior I did not like but I would always love him.

It sounds to me as if your son is trying not to accept responsibility when you or your husband correct him by getting angry and yelling that he hates himself and his life. I would address the anger and yelling first by telling him it is inappropriate behavior and won't be tolerated and then respond by saying you are sad to hear that he feels the way he does about himself and his life. I would usually tell my sons to stop and take a few minutes to calm down so we could discuss the issue when his anger was gone.

The next thing to do is redirect the conversation back to whatever issue for which you were correcting him and making him realize there will be consequences for his actions regardless of whether he gets angry and yells. It sounds to me as if he has learned that if he gets angry and yells, the original reason for which he was being corrected gets lost somewhere in the midst of his behavior.

In terms of trying to get him to talk about what is bothering him, I would not try to push him to talk. I always told my sons that I was willing to listen if they wanted to talk and left it at that. As long as I left it alone and treated them with the same love and affection as I had before, if they really wanted to talk about it they eventually came around and would talk to me. It is a matter of trust. Once he feels safe and that you do still love him the same as he feels you once did, he may open up to you or your husband.

Hi R.! The first thing I'd do is talk to a counselor at your son's school. When my son was 11 and his parents were recently divorced he said he wished he was dead because he was always sad. The school counselor invited him to join a group of kids to get together to talk (ie, a support group), which he did. The counselor said he hardly said a word all year, but evidently hearing what the other kids said and learning that he wasn't alone helped a lot. Maybe your son's counselor could put him in touch with something like that. At any rate, it would be good to have her know what's going on, and she may have some helpful suggestions for you. GOOD LUCK!

i wish i had some suggestions for you but i wanted to just offer you a big hug for what you are dealing with right now and the concern you must be feeling for your son. as parents we want to help our kids and we'd take on what ever pain they were feeling so they didn't have to go through it. but we also know that we have gone through pains in our lives and some where there are lessons in all that.
my kids aren't that old yet to know what you should do.. but thinking back to my own childhood.. i can recall the sadness i felt when friends left in those manners. we have no control over those situations and sometimes don't know how to express our feelings about those uncontoleable situations.
the comments about not liking himself or life is what scared me about your post. with him not liking the idea of counseling,, i would worry more if as a parent i didn't do something my gut told me to do and then my child did something drastic to himself or others. maybe he needs to learn the tools htat are needed to express his feelings and that it's ok to get angry and mad(beause it is) and to even yell. my husband grew up never hearing his parents argue or to know it was ok to.. and to come to a mature agreement at the end. so when we first started dating he thought the relationship was over(by me) if i was getting upset about something. he has since learned it's ok to argue, get angry, even yell. name calling is inappropriate of course. but at this age i have had explain to him and show him the tools used in a mature disagreement. what i 'm getting at i guess is we think our kids have the tools just by osmosis(sp)..lol but we may have to teach them specifically what words to use and what certain feelings mean and that ALL feelings are ok. it's how we express them that's improtant.
good luck

I have a superb book to recommend. It's called, "Shepherding a Child's Heart" By Tedd Tripp. It helps both you and your child get to the core of what they are feeling and why. It has changed the whole attitude in our house. Our 4 year old is not only more well behaved, she is truly happier. Now, my husband and I are on the same page as far as discipline and we are happier as well. It has changed our lives and I highly recommend it. It is definately our favorite parenting book that we have read.

J.

How is he doing at the new school? Is he making new friends? I'm guessing he's having a hard time if he hates his life and himself. I think I would try a few counseling sessions regardless of how he feels about going. Maybe he's just choosing dramatic language as he goes through a rough transition, but maybe he's really struggling. I think that around this age kids feel embarrassed to admit they're having friendship troubles. They worry their parents are going to think they're a total loser. And, of course, you won't, but they don't realize that. I'm sure your son won't be the first reluctant child the counselor has dealt with. I don't think it's up to your son to decide if he sees a counselor; it's up to you.

Very familiar!! We just went through this. I'd first start out with a complete physical exam by his Dr. We found that our 10 yr old son need his tonsils and adenoids out, he wasnt getting any decent sleep. Next, he was not eating enough andhis blood levels were off, so he's on a different diet now, and his blood sugar doesn't dip so low. So, he was sleep deprived and low blood sugar: lots of reasons for his irritability and short fuse. Next, he opened up to the Dr. more than he did to me, and I was surprised to find out that my son had a bully at school. I called a school meeting, and we had our son put into a different classroom. Hes so much better after his surgery, and he's eating better now, and is away from this kid that I didn't even know was hassling my son every lunch period. Hope this helps.

My son is 8 and I am getting the same kind of behavior from him! When I read your notice I couldn't believe it. My son is in therapy because of other issues and his therapist told me that when he exhibits this kind of behavior I should acknowledge the anger, even if I don't know what is causing it. For instance say, "I can see you are very angry ant that may feel confusing for you". The first time I tried this my son looked at me very surprised and just nodded his head yes. The next time it happened I responded the same way with different words and he sat beside me very quietly but we didn't talk. The next time, we sat for awhile and then he said he didn't like being mad and we talked about that. We also have a chart of different faces showing different emotions. Rather than talk about the emotion, ie, anger, I ask if he can choose the face that expresses how he feels. I am surprised at how many times he's not really angry but just expresses himself that way because he is confused at how many emotions he really does feel. I hope this helps. Let me know if you have any suggestions. I've been told that 8 and 9 is a very anxious time for some boys. G.

I can think of two books might be helpful: "When Children Grieve" by John W. James and "How Kids Make Friends" by Lonnie Michelle.

I've been researching this and other related topics for several years while writing an activity book for kids on a related topic. Good luck! Email me if you like.

D.

I am a mother of three boys also, now all grown up. Don't panic too much. Try some one on one time with your son, actually with all the boys individually, with their father would be ideal in my opinion. Just a morning out for breakfast can be an awesome time. Also, have dicussions about friendships and how hard it is when people move away. Tell him a story about how you felt when someone you cared about moved away or when you moved. Assure him he will make new friends. Remind him that even as friends come and go, he will always have his family he can count on. As parents, look forward to 10...it was my favorite year with all the boys because they begin to mature and are able to have great conversations.

Counseling, definitely, R.. this is good, but for Your son to accept it with willingness to follow any advice, you need to work it out so that really 'nothing is wrong', but out there are PROFESSIONALS, who know a lot about psychology and they can show some more angles and points of view that we people usually do not notice. It needs to be a positive feeling for your son, otherwise, however hard the best counselor will try, it will all be a waste of time and energy, as counselors HELP, but cannot DO for someone who has problems. You and me and some more adults know he has a problem, but to tell HIM SO, is not a good idea.
He needs a lot of reassurance and support, that all is good, it's just a hard time for some reasons and there are ways to overcome it: it is like the bicycle is already invented, and we use wheels to move faster = similarly, there are ways to work on the emotions and thought-processes that your son experiences, so he does not need to invent the new 'bicycle', but instead, find out what is already invented-known for being able to walk through this path of his life.
You are very insightful, R., you see the source of the pains and worries of your son, although he might not connect the events so closely yet in his own mind. However deeply loving and feeling, insightful and caring moms and dads are, at times children won't listen to their parents as well as to somebody else, who will somehow gain their respect and authority. You need a GOOD counselor, you are right!

Another thing: as you know how unsure and disturbed he is right now, and as he definitely will not be perfect in his actions and behavior, please do be careful around HOW you indicate him to the 'bettering' of his behavior. every time when it comes to such notices, please first always remind him somehow how good and well he is doing, and only THEN indicate on the flaw, so he feels confident and secure: "You do so well in school, and I know you try your best, and I am awfully proud of you. Now, here is something that we could somehow improve. If you need help, I am here and will try to be of any support. It seems, that this task could be done better this way (and give some polite instructions)." You see what i eman: leave him always a space for improvement, give him a feeling of your support! It is not good to confront him with 'this is wrong, and you need to fix it', or even worse: 'you are not good at it, you are wrong, you are a bad boy when you do it.' Always, before any 'fixing', reassure him how good and right and even powerful he is, and then show the new or improved direction, thus always standing on HIS SIDE of the fence! This way, he won't feel like it is a war situation, where you adults are on the right side of the fence, and he the young growing great gentleman, is always on the wrong side of the fence.
keep in mind, also, R., please that in this age, everything for him is like he sees it all through the magnifying glass. You might say: "You forgot to wash your glass", and he will hear: "You always don't wash your dishes". He generalizes in hius mind, that's how their brain works in this age, it is not his fault, it is his mind-mechanism's set-up for this age. he cannot define intricate hues yet, he sees the world as white and black, and now, if you are right, then your side is white, and if he is 'accused'(in his perception) of being wrong, then he is on the black side of the world, and nobody loves him, nobody understands him, and all is just not right AT ALL. THEN, he feels like it's timne to rebel and defend his space, as HE knows he is not always wrong, it just sometimes happens that he cannot make it right for some (unknown to him) reasons. And, he says you don't love me (generalizing again, see?!), you don't understand me, and it's just all wrong, and life is a disaster!"
I wish you all the best, R., hold dearly onto your goal, and approach it with loving heart, AND very conscious mind about what is going on. You are right: none of his 'wrong' behaviors needs to be tolerated, yet the way HOW you deal with it sets up the entire time of the very close teenager's furute communication between you and your son. If he will be able to regain this feeling of security in your presence, there is a big chance you will stay friends for a lifetime, and no peerpressure, no any 'gang' activities around (it's a tough world, we know it) will never break you true friendship coming from the depth of your souls, and you will have a strong influence on him, without harming his integrity, or the process of finding his own identity. Be aware, conscious, loving, and very professional in many ways, while helping your son. Learn from anywhere you can: counselor, online, books, wise elder people, and go for it.
Good luck, for both of you, and for all of your great family.
I send out a prayer for you, dear ones!
M.

I would go for the counceling. He may go kicking and screaming, but if you find a place that deals with a lot of kids, they know how to reach them and I think it will really benefit him in the long run. I just loved my councelor. It was someone I could talk to openly because she didn't know any of the people I was talking about! And she gave me good advice and skills to use in solving my own problems. Try and approach it in a different manor, tho, make it sound fun or interesting, or just something that he can do, a person he can talk to who won't judge him for feeling a certain way.

OK, I asked my son if he had anything to suggest- sorry he's only 7 but is pretty wise. I do ask his opinion on a lot of these questions when I answer thm. He suggests that maybe one of these weekends you take your son to where ever it is that his friends moved to and let them visit. maybe over spring break or something. We don't know how far away either has moved, but it's a thought. MY thinking is if you ask the question long enough-and he has answered that nothing is wrong- he will ultimatley come up with something that is wrong- whether it is or not. We all go through emotional times, and even we as adults have problems identifying what the exact problem is. I would quit asking what is wrong, and ask him what you can do to help make his life better- if that is his complaint. Good luck!

It is really hard for a 9 year old to explain how he feels. Does he understand "isolation" "Insecurity" Lonliness, betrayal? Would he be able to explain "all my friends are gone I feel very insecure, lonely and isolated".?
"It feels like they have all betrayed me, I know they haven't but that's what it feels like. None of them cared about me or they wouldn't have all left. It feels like a conspiracy against me having them all leave at the same time. Something must be very wrong with me to have them all desert me all at once. Furthermore I have never had to "make" friends before, so this is a challenge I am totally unprepared for. I feel lonely, kicked aside, abandoned, neglected, betrayed, isolated. Everyone else already has friends, they don't want me. I am hurting and I don't know how to tell you how I feel, but I know it hurts even more when you tell me to 'go make new friends'. because I have no idea what that means."
This is a perfect set up for a cult or a gang. This is who they want, someone who would do anything to have a friend. Be his friend, do things with him he used to do with some of the others. Spend time with him just because you enjoy being with him, no pressure.
My heart goes out to him. My folks moved when I was that age. I never had a "best friend" again. Before I never had to make friends, it just happened naturally. After the move I did dumb stuff to try to impress kids so they'd like me. Then I started drinking and smoking because I thought some of those kids would accept me, then I started having sex, then drugs.
My parents never seemed to notice. After age 30 my mom told me they had considered getting counseling for me. I thought for crying out loud why didn't you!! I was only 9, it's not like I knew how to ask for it? I asked for it by laying on my bed crying until someone asked me what's wrong, then I got angry because they asked and I didn't know how to tell them. I was very angry. I hope you figure this out before it escalates. Spend a lot of positive time with him doing things he enjoys, maybe he'll begin to think you are his best friend!! Don't ask him to explain things he has no words for.

Just a brainstorm of ideas:
Be careful what he's watching on tv, some kid shows portray way too grown up problems.
Point out all of the wonderful things in his life, he has a mother and father, a house, toys and stuff, food, etc.
Take him to a homeless or food shelter, show him documentaries on poor regions of our Earth.
Ask him what specificly would make his life better. Ask what actions he can take to make his life better.
Make sure he is getting one on one attention from you, maybe doing special weekend outings with daddy.
Join sports or a club. Find something he is good at so he can have pride and boost his self esteem.
Good Luck with your situation and if your efforts don't work after another month or so, I would seek conseling wheather he likes it or not. Also, my personal opinion is that children should not be allowed to use the word hate because they really cannot even grasp what a serious word it is. In our house it is considered a bad word and there is punishment if it is used.

i have that same issue with my son and he is 7, he screams and yells and says he hates his life and he wants to run away. he gets hysterical over the smallest things. i feel for you. i don't know what to offer as advice other than i know what you are going through.

This child has had a lot of disappointments to deal with. His best friends seem to be all disappearing on him, who wouldn't feel bad about that. He doesn't know how to put his feelings into words so it is easier to say nothing is wrong. Instead of asking what's wrong, remark "you seem angry" or "you seem sad" and ask "how can I help?" When boys are 9 they deal with a lot of changes in their bodies, even so, their bodies don't keep up with their brains and that is why they seem to always do dangerous antics. A lot of understanding and love will help. When he starts getting angry, it is important that you don't react by getting angry yourself. How can he learn self control without seeing it modeled? Teach him when he is starting to lose control, to know the signals and remove himself for a few minutes. Also when he says he doesn't think you like him or you hate him, he is doing this for attention, maybe because you go on about how much you love him and try to make him feel better about himself. Instead of giving him that control, remind him often how proud you are of him, how you love him. When he is going into one of those tantrums and say it, turn it back on him with "sounds like you aren't feeling good about yourself right now." Acknowledging it helps alot. I also always let my kids know that if there is something they don't like about themselves, they can change it. That it is important to like the person who you are inside and help him accomplish that. When my youngest would say "I hate you" I would say "I know you don't hate me, you are just angry with me right now and that is ok" Wasn't long before he would say "I hate you but not really, I am just angry" then he would shorten that to "I am angry" Being angry is ok as long as it is shortlived. We all have that feeling at times. Hitting, name calling and disrespect is never ok even when you are angry, so if this happens, time out needs to be done, in a place where there is nothing to play with. All in all, teen years will make all this seem so easy, so keep reminding yourself "this too shall pass". Good luck

Sorry to read that about your son. my advice is to tell your son as much as you can that you love him that you want what is best for him and you want your son to be happy. explain to him why you feel the way you feel and that you want to help him. another idea if he is missing his friends is maybe have them over on a weekend. let him invite some friends over for a video game night or something. or a cool idea if they are not close by have him write to his friends. like pen pals.
if he dont have any friends and is feeling left out get him involved in sports or activities in his school.
find out what his interests are and let him join some of those activities.
if he wont talk dont push him. it will make him even more discourage. instead try asking him how his day went. ask him questions that dont involve yes or no questions. like how was your day at school? what did you do in school? what did you learn? be involved in his life as much as possible. sometimes dinner time is the best time to discuss those things. or as a family you could hold a game night and talk about feelings then.
hope the idea works.
sincerely,
E.

Have him invite someone over to start a new friendship. Or have him join 'team' activities, like soccer, etc.... That may give him something else to think about instead of brooding.....

Maybe he is not being successful at school. Talk to his teacher. I am a teacher.... parents ask things like this all the time.

That is a tough situation. You hate to see your children hurt. Maybe you could try get him into some sport, or other activities of his interest. A lot of times that will improve their self confidence. It is important to comment positive things to boost him up. You do not want him to hate himself. My son just started a different school this year, didn't have any of his friends in his class, a good friend moved away, and a starting of a new friend moved away, told me no one played outside for recess with him. Made me very sad. Now a couple months later he has made new friends, thank goodness! Best of luck with you. Make him feel loved.

I have a daughter that is also this way. Has been for the last 9 years...and she just turned 11. She goes in waves. We have moved 9 times in her life, the last 2 1/2 being in the same place. We hit another wave abut 3-6 months ago. In talking with an uncle he recommended that I read a book called "how to deal with your acting up teenager" by Robert Bayard. It is a book to help with communication and responsibility. I have ordered mine from Amazon.com it cost me $5.00 to get. I couldn't find it any where else. My uncles kids are grown now and this book helped him communicate with his kids. He recommends it to everybody and he has gotten many thanks over the reading of this book.
I hope it helps me and if you take on the challenge of reading, it may help you!

I can relate to you completely. I also have a son that is 9 that gets very angry very quickly and yell he hates hislife and hiself and wishes he was never born. Also tells me that I hate him and only love his sister and older brother. I jusst colmly tell him how much I love him and that my life would be very das without him and then I go on my way. My doctor told me not to give him to much attention for the behavior. My son has not had the changes in hisl ife that yours has but the behavior sounds so much a like. Just reasure him that you love him and that your world would be empty without him.

I have recently gone thru similar circumstances with my 8 year old. We did end up in counseling do to a situation he had experienced. His anger issues were from not being able to understand his sadness with the changes in his life. I went thru some treatment with him and learn some ideas that help with the communication. It does seem a bit out of normal but it has been wonderful for his confidence and feeling he can talk about his feelings.
There is a time set a side every night at the same time to have what is called "Special Time". This is only 5 minutes of play time with the child. The time to be used to let them choose the game or toy that is not aggressive to play with. For example no action figures. More things like drawing, playdoe, reading, or cars. While playing the parent follows the direction of the child. Try to give positive reinforcement like You are so creative, that is a wonderful idea, great choices. Try to say at least 5 of these during the time. If he does get aggressive or leaves the area play time is over. This was a wonderful tool to improve my sons self esteem and helped him talk to me more. Hope all turns out well for you. All kids go thru thier rough patches. I pray his patch is short.

This sounds exactly like my own son. He will be 11 this month. We live in a neighborhood with NO kids, his sister is 6 years younger and they don't get along well, and for the second time in his life, his best friend moved away this last year. Ever since he has been lost and more angry. We tried counseling but he didn't "connect" with the counselor, who seemed more worried about making sure the toys were put back in the exact correct spot after each meeting.
Anyhow, it's still tough for us, but we have signed him up for sports, and make a conscious effort to spend more one-on-one time with him. We play games alot, and make sure that Brett, my son, feels like he has a say in things.
Good luck and if you find some more good advice, let me know!! Hang in there - it will get better!
K. R.
St. Cloud MN

Hello R.,

My name is P.. I know how you feel I have a child who is like that. The main thing I found out is that when they say "you hate me", or "I hate you", I found that telling them I Love You anyway not matter what you say or think will make them quit saying that. Also since you cant get him to talk to you, you could try asking you pastor to talk to him. Also if you or your husband have had friends that have moved away tell him how you felt and tell him how you got over the hurt. But mainly just try not to loose your temper because that can drive him further away. Tell him that you know its bothering him, when he is ready to talk to either or both of you all he needs to do is tell you. I used to tell my son and still do that if he ever needs to talk to me no matter what its about all he has to do is say mom I need to talk to you. Sometimes it was just silly stuff to start out with. I think he was just testing me to see if I would keep my word and stop what I was doing to sit and talk to him. After a couple of times of the silly he relized that I ment what I said that if he needed or wanted to talk to me all he had to do was say mom I need to talk to you. I would actually stop what ever I was doing and sit down with him and let him talk. I still do and he is 16 and we are very close now. So my advise is that just let him know you are there and if he tells you that mom or dad I need to talk I know it will be incovient sometimes like when your cooking or something but if its important to him it has to be important to you. It will only bring all of you closer and you will have a better relationship with each other. And one more thing just be mom and dad and let him know that no matter how much he is hurting you will always be there for him and love him no matter what. And always be honest with him he will return the favor I promise.