Help! My Mother-in-law Hijacked My Dishwasher!

H.,

Let it go. Don't stir up drama in the family even if you are not to blame and you got screwed. Yes, $700 is a lot of money, but it's just a thing. Whether or not you husband said she could have it or not, whether he lied to you or not, this isn't really a battle to choose. Be the bigger person and keep the family harmony. Good luck!

B.

Is it possible that MIL asked hubby but not you and he said okay? Perhaps hubby may be ashamed to admit it? I have horrible in law nightmares too and am speaking from experience. The only decent thing for MIL to do is to offer to buy you a new one for the same amount. I wish you the best.

L.

H., I really don't feel you should be mad at your mother-in-law. You said your husband told her she could have it. She probably assumed (as most people would) that he had discussed this with you before he gave it to her. I think you need to deal with your husband. He is the one who gave it away when he knew you wanted to keep it. All his mother is guilty of is accepting a VERY generous gift from her son and daugher-in-law.

You need to tell both your mother in law and your husband how you feel, because if you don't, she will be more likely to continue this kind of behavior. While you might not get your dishwasher back,(already installed, your husband playing peacemaker and all), You will have made your point. Also, don't ever trust her with your belongings again, I know of which I speak. My husband does the same thing with my in laws and I ask him if he wants to live with me or his mother. Works every time!!!

you are absolutely right to be upset about this, especially because it was behind your back. but i see you are a stay at home mom, which probably means that your husband will have to pay for a new dishwasher...not you. so relax. sure, it is a waste of 700 more dollars. but your husband should have been prepared for that kind of financial burden when he gave the dishwasher to his mom. so it is all on him. if when you move into a house and your husband tells you to do the dishes by hand...well then you can totally start screaming!
another thought is to somehow get your husband to ask his mother for the money to buy a new dishwasher.

Your husband is probably like most guys to their mom, wants to help their mother any way they can to make their life easier especially if the mother is older.
I can see that.
But...
If your husband may of told his mother just use ours we aren't using it, to help make her daily tasks easier because it's just sitting there, and thats what happened, I would think if your husband mentioned to his mother that now you have a place and really miss the dishwasher and it costed 700.00 and now he has to dish out another 700.00 that his mother would want to chip in and pay for another to replace it, reasonable amount or in full.
I wouldn't think his mother would just say heck, I need a dishwasher and this one isn't being used, so I will just use it for my new kitchen without guilt.
But there are some out there like that i'm sure.

Sum it all up, I would just ask you husband if he told his mom to go ahead and use/install it without any terms, or see if he didn't mention anything to her and she just took it as she sees fit.
I would politely say to your husband that why should you go out and have to pay another 700.00 to talk to his mom and say you just can't afford another one and see what she offers to help out if not pay fully for another one.
Hope this all makes some sense.
R.

Hey H. S:

I hate to tell you this but I think you are SOL! Ah - the art of the Mother-In-Law games:)

The problem is...if your Mother-In-Law is like mine - she has helped you out in the past either with babysitting, loaning or giving you money, or even just storing your stuff at her house. In her mind it was probably pay back time.

It always seems things are worse when we don't discuss them and then it just builds and builds...you could always just sit down and talk to her - but that's never worked for me, so I play the game.

When my husband and I bought our first house, our in-laws had to co-sign for our house. Just prior to signing the loan...they bought a new car not knowing that their purchases then effected our loan. We had to move one of their credit cards to my credit card (since I was too in debt to be on the loan) so that they would be approved with co-signing it. After we bought our house and several months later they were OK with moving it back over to their credit card - but my FIL was furious that I requested the interest too which was a few hundred dollars.

Looking back that was probably pretty tacky of me. They had given us money for the wedding and stuff for our new house as well as babysat our kids for free for awhile. So with this being said- I think you might have to let it go.

But - Here's one last ditch effort at the game...Once you do buy your new home (and it might actually come with a dishwasher) you might suggest your need for a dishwasher to your MIL reminding her that you had a perfect dishwasher at one time that is now in HER house - but it would be difficult to afford another one like that at that time. I doubt she will rip out her dishwasher...but you may see some cash.

We just have to chalk these up to a lesson learned.

J. G

H.,

I would make sure your husband knows that you do want the dishwasher back or at least the money for it. It sounds like she assumed you wouldn't be using it but it was not right for her to just use it. I totally understand your frustration and if your husband won't say anything then the next time you are at her house make a casual comment. Something like "Oh, I see you are using the dishwasher... it will be a shame to have to take it out when we buy our house." Be very passive agressive about it. Then make sure you husband know that she should either give it back or give you the money when she asks him abou the comment.

Good Luck.

I totally agree with the others who have said to have a calm conversation with your mother-in-law. And I have to say for those who have suggested to just forget about to keep the peace, is totally wrong, imo. THAT would do MORE damage to the family relationship than just dealing with the issue. Because by NOT dealing with it, you're going to sit there and get angrier and hurt every time you go over to her house and see YOUR dishwasher. Trust me, those feelings, festering over time, WILL become evident, and then there will be a HUGE blow out.
Best to get it out in the open NOW. My suggestion? Talk to her calmly about it. I like the route of bringing it up casually, as in "it looks good in here, but we are going to need it back soon". I would first talk to your hubby and get a straight answer out of him. If he did, indeed, tell her she could use it, then you need to make it clear to his mom that YOU were never a part of that decision. And with something so big like that, you SHOULD have been part of the decision making. And that HAD you been a part of it, you would have gladly let her use it until you need it back. But that you do, indeed, need it back. Good luck, and update us on what happens!

I think just about anyone in that situation would be upset about it. She may have asked your husband and he didn't tell you, very bad on his part. When you get a house and are presented with needing a dishwasher again, find a polite way to tell her that she needs to either give it back, or give you guys money towards a new one. If you would have sold it instead of storing it in her basement you could have gotten around $500 for it so she should atleast give you guys some money towards a new one when you need it. Just remember to be as polite as possible, messing with a mans relationship with his mother could ruin your relationship.

Just an FYI. Unfortunately, mother in laws are hard to read and you never know what you will be in store for. As for the dishwasher, I would call it a wash. Your husband obviously is not going to do anything because that would entail him being stuck between his wife and his mother- he knows he will never win. I work in the real estate industry and I would suggest you purchasing a house that will come with a dishwasher. Then when you move in, I would make some kind of suggestion about a house warming gift from your mother in law that would cover the expense of your dishwasher. Hope this helps and good luck!!

Oh H.- I feel for you girl!! Honestly the best advice I can give you is one of 2 things: sit your hubby down and tell him how upset you are over the dishwasher. Ask him how he feels about it (chances are he's a little miffed too) and then both of you come to an agreement that ends with you both speaking to her about it. Possibly put a humorous spin on it and say "Hey mom, looks like you got a "steal" on that washer from us huh? Would $250 be a fair deal for it? Who knows....maybe she was planning on buying you a new one when you got your new house. 2nd idea: Confront her yourself. I do best with confrontation of my m-i-l with a letter. I try to make it look like I'm not blaming or accusing her....just asking what the deal is. A lot of times the hubby's won't go against their mothers. Also, is it possible that your Hubby got talked into the deal. He may feel caught between both of you and not know what to do! A lot of mil's (whether they like to admit it or not!) feel like they should still have some control over their sons! If all else fails...live and learn and never leave anything of value over there again.

Oh H.! Your husband may have thought it was okay since he "said it was". But if you are ticked, tell him. My husand does or says things to his side of the family with out asking my views, but it never occurs to him that I may have a problem. I would tell your hubby to speak with her, if not stand up for your self & your dishwasher. I doubt you want back the original one, but she could help pay for the new one! She may not know how you feel, if you are relying on your husband to be your voice. Good luck!

H.,
I had something similar like this happen to me. It wasn't that expensive or anything, but its the purpose of it. This person knew that I would won't my item back, but they had decided that since it had been so long, that I didn't need it anymore. They still have the item, and we now have a strained relationship over it. Mostly on my end, because I am mad about what they did.
By the way they did buy me something similar for Christmas last year. That was nice of her, but still its not the same. They stole what was mine. Plain and simple, and if they didn't want to store it they should have just said so. Not steal it.
I don't blame you for being mad. Mother-in-lsw or not that was just a rotten thing to do. I am sure your hubby going along with it is not helping matters any.
My own Mom did something that really upset me. I had bought a really nice picture frame for her to put a picture of my daugher in. She put a older picture of my brothrs two boys in it. Now ever time I go over to the house and see it I get pissed all over again. The worst part is she never did put that picture up. I spent extra money to get that picture made just for her. I will never do that again.
I don't know why people do such rotten things like what happen to you. The hard part is the mother-in-law part. I don't envy you that at all. I gusess you have to think if $700. 00 is worth messing up a life time relationship.
Bst of luck to you on this one.

I think you'll have to go the direct route this time. As another person said, your MIL may have asked him about it and your husband may have said that she may as well use it. I think I would ask your mother in law the next time you go over, "hey, is that our dishwasher?" or "that looks just like our dishwasher- did you get the same kind?". That way it is an open question and she has the opportunity to say that your husband said it was okay to have it (if that was the case), and you will have the chance to say, "Well, he didn't ask me about it, and I am planning on putting it in the new house, so you're welcome to use it until then, but at that point we are going to need it back" (or I'll sell it to you) Or, if she knows that you have already seen the dishwasher/kitchen you'll just have to ask her outright if your husband said it was okay for her to use it, and then let her know that you want it back. It's better for you to deal with this now, upfront, even if it causes a little bit of hurt feelings rather than having it stew in you and constantly effect your relationship with her. You aren't just going to forget that she has your $700 dishwasher. She also needs to understand that when it comes to things like this, that she needs to get the okay from you as well. I kind of doubt that she just grabbed the dishwasher and decided to use it or forgot that it was yours. I'm sure your husband told her it was okay (because he admitted to it, too, which would get him in some hot water). Also, make sure it really is your dishwasher, and she just didn't happen to buy the same one-check her basement before you confront her. My MIL isn't always the easiest to deal with, but I've found that the best way is the direct way. At least then I'm not harboring bad feelings against her, and blowing up over stupid stuff because I'm mad about something else (that she may not even be aware of). Trust me- do the direct route (as nicely as possible). Good luck.

H.:

I can understand why you would be mad over this, I would be as well. If I were in a similar situation, I would try to talk to her about it in a very conversational, casual way. I would try to have the conversation it in her kitchen - tell her that the dishwasher looks great in her new kitchen, tell her you're glad someone can get some use out of it until you need it again, and ask her if she's thought about what she's going to replace it with when you buy your house. This will get the point across that you are expecting it back without actually having to say it. You may also want to tell her about the specific feature(s) of the dishwasher that made you spend more to purchase that one over others that cost a lot less.

If you don't want to do it in person, you could accomplish the same thing over the phone or by email.

Good luck!
~D.

Ok first of all you need to ask your husband if he really told her she could have it. If he did then it is his responsibility to replace yours or to tell her he wasn't suppose to give it to her. It is not your mil fault that her son gave it to her and if you say anything to her it might hurt her feelings. He needs to step up and be a man and own up to what he did to her. He did this and it is his responsibility to to clean it up. Now if he didn't tell her that and she did indeed take it then you have the right to talk calmly to her about it maybe she knows that she don't get to keep it but is just using it for the time being. I sell appliances and it is always better to use it then to store it because it keeps the oils in the motor from gumming up and if that happens you have to replace the dishwasher anyway. Good luck and tell us all what happens

It is possible that your husband did indeed tell her she could have it. She could have said look its been in my basement for 4 years and I am redoing the kitchen can I have it. However I would definetly expect compensation for it. If he wont talk to her about it, then you should talk to her. Try to remain calm, non-accusatory etc, that way her defenses arent up to start the conversation.
Good luck

This is a tuff one!! It seems like the battle needing to be had is unfortunately with your hubby. He needs to fess up to his mom what he did that was against your wishes. She should then pay you for the dishwasher or give it up. If he refuses to talk to her about it, then I would approach her and tell her what happened. Maybe she would feel bad and cough up the cash. I know that this might make your husband look like the bad guy, but he really owes you an apology for not being honest and putting his mom before you. I know that this is an age old problem. I have learned through past experience that it is so important to your marriage that you put each other above your parents. Whatever you decide to do, you have got to say something to either your husband or his mom or this will just eat away at you and possibley taint future interactions with your mother-in-law.

I hope this works out okay.

C.

I am a 36 y/o sahm mome with an 18 month-old and a mother-in-law too! You have my support!

I totally understand what yr talking about,I have problems with my mother-in-law at times too and he wont speak to her.The best thing I would say to do is to talk to her,u need to get this off yr cheast or it will bug u forever.But u will need to tell yr husband that yr going to talk to her,and hopefully he will back u up if it goes beyond u 2 talking. He should be the one doing this but if he wont do it for u then u need to.You r his wife,and yr feelings should come first.This should get resolved,if its not anything that comes up in the future is going to be a bigger problem,because the first thing wasent resolved.And from experience u will start to be angrey with yr husband and u will blame it all on him for not being there.But when all is said and done u know what u want go with yr gut..lots of luck to ya!