HELP !! My 5 Year Old Won't Sleep Without Me

K.,

We've always had sleep "issues" with our daughter, who is 5, also.

What worked for us, was to have her sleep in her "special" pink sleeping bag - in our room, but on the floor...we didn't allow her in our bed.

She and our son share a room now, in twin beds...I don't know if that is an option for you. Lindsay hates to be alone.

It's a tricky situation to be in. I even had a nurse at our ped's office tell me to clear out her room and lock her in from bed time til morning - uh, no thanks!

I hope this helps somehow...and you know, it may just be a long stage she's going through...best wishes as you struggle through this one - you are not alone!

J.

Dear K.

You may have tried this already, but how about a very simple behavior chart - 7 circles and an one empty space at the end - for a special shiny super sticker.

Explain to your child that if she sleeps in her bed, you or she can draw in a smile in the morning. She can also have a small treat each day she succeeds. At the end of the week, if she has managed a full week of sleeping in her bed - she gets a special prize or experience - a trip to the zoo or to the movies. The reward has to be immediate, not in a few weeks, but that weekend. If she comes to your bed, you know the drill - just put her back in hers.

Good luck,

E.

Our kids were a little smaller when we had this issue, but our solution ought to work for you. We had a system of rewards. If our daughter stayed in her bed all night, she was allowed to wear her special princess dress-up dress the next day. Our bed? No dress. With our son, there was a video he was allowed to watch only if he stayed in his own bed all night. Maybe if your daughter stays in her bed all night for 5 days she could get a special toy or outing, with bigger rewards for more successful nights? Just a thought...good luck!

K.,
my 2 boys (ages 4.5 and almost 3) like to climb in my bed during the night and throw a fit if my husband or i put them back in their beds, this is what we tried after many other ideas and this worked the best. we put a calendar on their bedroom door and told them that if they both slept all night in their beds they would get a sticker in the morning for that day, if they got some many stickers in a row they would get a treat. you would let them pick out a new match box car, something small and inexpensive or we would take them to a video store and they could rent a movie and we would have movie night as a family. It only took a few times of them not getting a sticker to catch on and within a couple of months they were sleeping all night every night in their own beds. Hope this helps, it is not comfy to share a bed with a 4 year old!

Hi,
My daughters used to be the same way around the same age. Since they are only a year apart they did it together. What I would do was sit in a chair between their beds and read 2 or 3 storys then turn off the light and sit there with them untill they fell asleep, ( I stopped laying in bed with them I was taking turns) The next step was sitting in the doorway, then the hall, then in the rocker that is between the hall & livingroom. (we had one floor) after about 1 month maybe more not sure (that was 16 yrs ago) I was able to put them to bed read their books and leave the room completly. When they would wake up and come into our bed I would take them back to their bed before they woke up to much. Then I got a big Idea to let them pick out a special stuffed animal from the store. That was there cuddle friend. Then I found the body pillows and got them one of those so it felt like someone was there with them so they weren't scared anymore. Like I said it took about a month or so. But it worked to the point where we were able to make the attic into another bedroom and they slept in their own rooms. Now at 22 my one daughter is having the same problem with her almost 4 yr. old. She is doing the samething and it's starting to work. ( with the books they picked one each usually the sameones every night goodnight moon and green eggs and ham now every time my granddaughter is here I have to read it to her :) and then I would pick a book and everyone was happy )
Good luck and have soooooo much fun with her.

If possiable let me know how it worked. Thanks

Hi K.,
I have a similar situation with my almost 4 year old son. I agree with all the comments towards fixing the problem (good bedtime routine, reward/punishment/tough love - which ever works best for you). However, amazingly enough, I found something just last night that worked pretty well. I am 5 months pregnant and staying in my son's room (for me, it is on the floor) is really getting to me. Last night I finally just said to my son, "This isn't fair to Mommy, I am exhausted and my body hurts. I need to go back to my own bed". He then said to me "OK Mommy, I don't want you to hurt, please go into your own bed". He rarely tries to get into our bed, but if he does, we just bring him back into his own room immediately and I try to avoid having to stay in his room with him. I am not sure if this will work, but it is another angle. Also, I found it useful to put a digital clock in my son's room. We attempt a routine of "8 down/7 up" (be asleep by 8 and don't get up before 7, unless he has to potty). Finally, if your daughter wakes up during the night to go the bathroom, I have found it is better to have a little light available in the bathroom, as the full bathroom light might be too bright.

Get a big teddy bear. When your in bed with her at night have it laying behind you so that it gets warm with your body heat. Also put one of your shirts on it that has your smell on it(the one you wore during the day for example). Once you get out of her bed move the bear into your place. It will already be warm from your body heat and it smells like you from your shirt. It may help.

Hah. I have to say I thought you were crazy because when I first quickly read the caption I thought it said help, my 5 yr old won't sleep with me, and I couldn't figure out why you would not want that time to yourself.. Silly me. Sorry bout that. Now that I fully understand (yes that was my sleep deprivation and lack of coffee talking) I think it will take a few nights but you can definitely do this. Be consistent over a few nights. Put your daughter in her bed. Don't stay. If she comes to your bed simply remind her that she sleeps in her bed and bring her back. Do not argue or explain further. When she comes in again do the same thing but with no explanation. Just bring her back to her bed but do not interact with her beyond that. It will take some time but she will quickly learn that you are serious and will not take any more of her getting her way. It's kind of like something supernanny does to get kids to go to bed and stay in time out. But it's not a harsh thing and it works really well. I've tried it. Hope this helps!

OMG-
I kid you not...you are me!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just went to check on my 5-yr old daughter and she is (gulp!) IN HER BED!!!!!!!!
Granted, she was in my room 3x last night trying to take advantage of my sleepiness to get me to say "Sure c'mon in".

All the remedies I was told didnt work-stickers, money, threats, bribes, love...you get the idea. You know what worked-TOUGH LOVE! She cried and stamped her feet and I told her enough!! MY back is killing me from her kicking me in her sleep! Plus, her face would be in mine and who needs extra morning breath!!!
I'm tellnig you-tough love is the way to go! BE firm and eventually she will get it that you are not backing down! I told her I would lock my door on her and she didn't like that! Maybe today is a fluke, but I am going to keep it up! MY next step was a sleep psychologist so hopefully I can nix that!
Good luck to you!

Hi K.,

While I am all for cosleeping and attachment parenting, your child can very well sleep in her own bed if you insist. She may not like it, but that's not the point. Laying down with kids in their beds is a bad habit that I never got into. Kids often manipulate their parents into extending the bedtime routine to ridiculous proportions. Set a bedtime routine and stick to it. Tell her that if she is ready for bed by 8pm, that you'll read to her for 20 minutes, and if you wish, that you'll stay with her for 5 minutes but no more and that if she fusses, you will not stay at all. Let her know that if she comes out, she will be put back with the door closed. You have a choice, to allow her to continue this behavior or to chance that you'll be hearing crying and carrying on until she understands that you're serious. I wouldn't go the second route unless you will be absolutely consistent about it

Good luck.

I'm a mom of three girls (11, 13, 14) and not that I'm some expert, and I'm sure you know a lot about boys! And yes, there are differences. And yes, there is the youngest child syndrome--she's your last "everything!" Hard to give up some snuggling. And yes, girls very often really know how to "work it" but they are loads of fun! Of course, comfy habits are very hard to break and that may be what's going on here. You'll need to set limits with her and have there be consequences if she isn't listening about staying in her bed. She's old enough to do so. After you rule out nightmares and fears in her room, I'd suggest starting with a new bedtime routine with you that makes her feel super special, since she may go to bed before her older sibs (do they share a room; does it seem like more fun for them?). And it's her special routine (maybe include some sibs) but make it that part of it is because she needs to be in her room at night/all night. And she's old enough to pick what the routine can be, too. Then after about a week, it'll be a new habit. But the hard part is setting a consequence for her not staying in her bed--no play date that day or no treat she loves. Small stuff so she knows you're serious yet sensitive to the change. I'd suggest explaining to her that you love her but it's even healthier for her and you to sleep the whole night in your own beds and not be woken up, and to of course call you if she has any bad dreams, sick, etc. Good luck! Setting the boundary with being sensitive to her not be rejected is so tough!

Hi K.,
At age 5, a child should be sleeping in their own room. Yet, some children do not. From a parenting standpoint, you should be walking her back to her room and tucking her in. Yet, many parents I have worked with over the years like other alternatives.
One time, I had a 5 year old write a book to her Grandma about what would get her to sleep in her own room. The 5 year old sat with me during a home visit and anxiously wrote her story...
In the end, the child wanted to know that her Mom and Dad would be in the house in the morning when she woke up.
They went to the hospital with another sibling early one morning and the 5 yr old was scared when she woke up. Although, the 5 year old never mentioned that she had been frightened...

My suggestion would be to find out why she won't sleep in her room alone. She's surely old enough to tell you (or a close relative).

Then decide if it's behavioral or a true fear.

*When one of my own children did that(had no fears), I told her she would be in the sleeping bag on my floor or her bed. I explained to her that I would stay in her room 3 more nights - and only 3 more nights...I told her why and was very loving, yet firm. My husband backed me up! That usually helps! ...The sleeping bag was on the hardwood floor - more uncomfortable than the bed. She slept in the sleeping bag 2 nights. She realized I wasn't coming into her room for a long period of time anymore.

My own two kids love to sleep in the same room. See if that's always an option...

No shame in asking for help....

Little ones go through so many stages and one needs patience to deal with it all. So gather your patience and keep working on the problem....at some point she'll grow out of this and into something new.

When she comes in your bed, ask her if something is wrong to make sure she's ok...then walk her back to her own bed...tell her the "Sandman" wont know where to find her if she's not in her own bed...and that she wont get her beauty sleep or surprise if he's confused and can't find her....not nice to confuse the Sandman!!!!
I spaced out the surprises I had left her....It worked for me...

Later on to get her to put her toys away and get her room cleaned up: One night when I went into her room to tuck her in....I said, "Lori don't expect the "Toothfairy" any time soon. How do you expect company to come into this room looking like this." She asked who the tooth fairy was and if he knew the Sandman. I explained this fairy was in charge of clean rooms and clean teeth...who like the sandman, comes in the night only when we are sleeping and sometimes leaves fun surprises....and yes she knew the sandman....they talk all the time. She asked if she could stay up for another hour so she can clean up her room...I allowed it saying ok but just this once. From that point on she lived neatly in her room... She began putting her things away after using them and gave me no problems about brushing her teeth either. Everyday she asked when the tooth fairy was coming...I told her soon sweetie, have patience. I can't tell you how excited she was the morning she finally found a gift from the tooth fairy under her pillow. I kept the surprises spaced out...so she kept on working towards getting them.

I feel for you. After our third childs birth in October, my five year old stopped sleeping altogether at night, she was basically living off of three to four hours a night, it lasted five months but we seem to be back on track. It was so bad that she wouldn't sleep unless we were staring at her. Basically the advice we got, which helped, was try not to make a big deal out of it during the day. Have her sleep on some blankets on your FLOOR, try ASAP to get her out of your bed. My daughter spent about three months on our floor right next to my side of the bed, eventually she moved to the end of our bed on her own, etc. Did you daughter have any big upheavals this year, starting kindergarten, birth, death, divorce, a move etc? Evidently those all spark sleep issues. We tried everything from punishment (I know that wasn't the right way to go about it, but you lose it after awhile) to rewarding for sleeping. A friend of mine suggested a reward system using beans. If she went to bed on her own without mom or dad in the room she would get three beans and if she slept through the night another five and when she reached a certain number we would do something fun like a playdate, park, chuck e cheese, whatever.

It took a long time, but things seem back to normal, she also needed some alone time with me during the day, I KNOW it's so hard with four kids, it's hard with three, but even her going to the grocery store with me on a Sunday worked. Good luck, I hope she sleeps soon!

I did this with my son and it worked great. Step 1 - I put him in bed and I sat next to him in a chair. My hands were on him if he needed. After doing this for about 5 - 7 days. Step 2 - Move chair a little further away, place hand on bed but not on him. Did this for about 4-7 days. Step 3 - I moved further and further away until the chair was by the door. I reassured him that I was there but I did not talk too much and did not look in the eyes cause he would try to get into a big conversation to keep from falling asleep. Step 4 - I moved chair outside his room, I did not speak , I read a book. Now due to the set up of my house which is a front to back split I sat on one step at a time (5 steps, again not speaking much. I kept moving away until I was able to sit in completely different room and he was ok with it. The entire process took about 4 months from start to where he fell asleep without me and would stay in his room. During the process if he would come into my room before 3am I would put him back to bed and walk away. After 3am I would let him just sleep with us. It got to the point that he did not wake up anymore and come to my room.
This is what workded for me.

Hi K.,

Although I can't really be of much help with your daughter insisting that you fall asleep with her, I do have a good idea for keeping her in bed during the night. My daughter was going through a period of coming into our bed during the night which of course doesn't work well if you're trying to get a good night sleep. So my husband and I told her that she could only come into our bed when it is sunny out. I also told her she couldn't go on the computer the next day if she did come to our bed during the night and was uncooperative. So after a few days of not being able to use the computer, she started staying in her bed. I hope this helps.

K.,

Think about it everyone has someone in their room at night except her. The boys have each other and you and your husband share a bed. It's tough being the only girl. My suggestion is to either bring bring a cot or daybed in her room where your youngest son can sleep with her, if he is a similar age so she won't feel like she is all alone or you are going to have to work on a sister for her.