Help! My 4 Year Old Is on the Verge of Being Kicked Out!!

THere's this new article in Parent magazine, that talks about how to curb this behavior without punishment.. whenever you catch her doing something really good, praise her UP the wall, constantly... we forget as parents that we constantly are harping about the things they SHOULDN"T do, as opposed to the good things they do that go unnoticed. At four, when they realize that they're doingsomething so well, and got CAUGHT doing good... they want to keep doing it. it's a cry for attention, whether bad or good, my son did it too.. And I changed my method to praising himevery single time hedid something good, and ignoring the bad things. I eliminated the word NO, unless itmeant danger. I kept a sticker chart, and had a date night with him only, to discuss his fears... I made it a habit to "treat" him like a baby when he went to bed, to snuggle with him and tel him, he's my number one baby and no one will take his place, and that his new baby will grow up to WANT to be like him, JUSt like him.... and does he want hisnew sibling to not listen to him too? Those little tactics take time and perserverence, but in the long run, when you practice positive and over-doing the praise, he'll want it more often. Parents, I think we can all admit that we're quick to punish and say stop that now, that's not nice, etc... instead of quick to praise and say, WOW what a good boy you are, what a FABULOUS drawing, let's frame it... and what a GREAT hug you gave your sibling, and that was SO sweet you did that for her or him. It'll boost his self confidence. If all else fails... I thik that the best thing to do is to give him a pillow to scream his frustrations into.. I bought a punching bag, and asked my children, are you frustrated, do you need to go into the garage and punch the bad feelings out? When you feel better, you can come in and I'll give you the biggest hug for being such a good boy and taking responsiblity for knowing when you are feeling bad. It's OKAY to feel bad, but know that we will still love and hug you and it's normal to feel this way. I dunno, but that worked with mine, I hope it works with you... I also, maybe it's my deafness... I learned to whisper in their ear, how special they are, and how much loved they are, and told them stories of when they were little and the funny cute things they did, and how it's going to be funny when the new sibling does the same thing, and it means that they're trying hard to be just like the older brother, and he should be proud that his sibling wants to be jut like him. Myabe he just needs a boost of confidence. Whispering tends to quiet them and they want to hear what you say.. and if it's positive, they'll leave in heaps of giggles and smiles and a positive attitude knowing that mommy took time to tell him his good traits... you might want to enlist daddy to do that, maybe daddy is too tough??? perhaps you can enlist daddy to participate, as boys relate to the males in their lives and emulate them. Try to watch your husbands behavior and make sure that you two as parents praise each other too! They learn by example!!! hope this helps!!!

PS I mistakenly assumed it was a son, my apologies, excerpt the son for daughter, hahahha
S.

hi S., I don't know what types od discipline you have tried, but discipline needs to be tough. it needs to be severe enough where your little girl needs to tell herself I'm not doing that again, if it's not it's pointless, for example, when i was growing up my parents used the belt, Now I don't recomend you do that, buy my point is, the belt hurt so bad we never repeated the same thing twice. Discipline needs to be like that. When my 3 were little my husband gave them one warning, and then it was 2 good swats o the butt, only 2, but he made them count and it was a rear thing if my husband had to swat them for the samething more than once. they are now 25, 21, and 19 and they thank their dad all the time for raising them and teching them they way he did, and they give him and God credit for they way they have all turned out, kids respect discipline as long as they know they are love. J. L

I agree with the 4 responses before mine. All kids do need praise some kids need alot more. Get professional help. I once did daycare for a child that I felt was not all there and when I punished him he seemed to not understand what he had done and then things would get worse and when taken to a specialist it was determined he had sensory issues. He could hear the slightest noise maybe a train or blow dryer any consistant noise that we would not focus on and that was the only thing he heard so he would not hear me telling him to stop and what his consequences would be if he didn't and would not move to time out when I asked him to and when I would have to lead him there which would make him snap out of it then he didn't understand why he was in trouble because he had not really heard one thing I had told him and would be upset and all would go down hill from there. Also be consistant with everything and tell her you always love her. Talk to her ask her what she is feeling and what can you do to help her bahave she is four she should be able to tell you something and it's a start. Always be patient if you notice your worse days are when your at your witts end and the days you wake up and are in the best mood ever things are not so bad kids seem to go off our moods. So work on your mood when dealing with her don't let it get the best of you. Never leave her with someone that doesn't have the patience for her until you have figured out what is wrong. I know this must be a tough situation but keep at it and things will get better and that is good that you are trying to correct it before she starts school. Best of luck to you and your sweet daughter.

Hi S.: I came across this article,that makes alot of sense. I think Key is, Picking your battles,not nic-picking about every little thing she does, you disaprove of,and try to spend some quality time (alone) with her. You'd be amazed, at the difference in her attitude.I wish you and your sweet daughter the best.

by Patti Greenberg Wollman:
Four year olds can be much like young adolescents. They tend to be rebellious and to talk back when a parent tries to tell them what to do.

It can be much more difficult to discipline unless you've laid a good foundation in the early years. That's really why it's so important to discipline your daughter effectively now.

The most important thing I can tell you is not to try to enforce too many rules at this time. Otherwise, your house will be a constant war zone. Sit down and make a list of the four or five areas that are most important to you and your partner. Do you care a lot about having a consistent bedtime and not so much about whether or not there is a bath every night? Are table manners extremely important to you or is putting away toys a priority?

Consistency is the name of the game. If you insist that the four or five rules be followed each day, your child will learn discipline, even though it may not seem that way at the time. Remember that if a four year old complies with your rule, but talks back, that is still compliance. It's okay if she has the last word, as long as she's following the rule.

What do you do if she doesn't follow the rules? Time outs still work for some four year olds. A more effective method may be the removal of a privilege. No TV after supper is an example of this kind of discipline. When it's time for the punishment, make sure you remind your child of the reason for it. Preferably, the privilege taken away should be on the same day as the infraction. This makes it easier for the child to make the connection.

Hi, S.. If your cousin is a licensed daycare, a behavioral specialist can come out to observe her and work with your cousin, or refer her for further evaluation. By what you've described, it's my opinion that your daughter needs to be referred for evaluation. It sounds like she may meet the calculations for "socially-emotionally at risk," which you most likely CAN reverse with the right help--and does NOT mean you've done anything "wrong." You'll need to contact your school district for early childhood evaluations. If you're in Riverside County, I have the contact information for who you need to talk to.

Take care,
J. Smithson
Loving Hands Learn 'n' Play
http://www.lhlearnandplay.com

Dear S.,
I understand your frustration. I used to work in Special Education, and I saw this over and over. It could be a change in the family because of the new baby, but it could also be something more. You may want to have her tested for some underlying issue. A child counselor may be able to help you find ways to manage her behaviors.

You could try and get her some child counseling... since it appears to be across-the-board that people are having a real difficult time managing her or even having the patience with her. And you can't expect them to put up with it.

Is she allergic to anything, be it food or in the environment? Maybe it affects her behavior.

I"m sure you know, that there are books addressing "spirited children" and how to discipline them, understand them etc. This might be good to read.

Here is a great book, in understanding 4 year olds, you can get it at Amazon.com:
"Your Four-Year-Old: Wild and Wonderful" (Paperback)
by Louise Bates Ames (Author) "

You seem to have tried ALL sorts of tools and ways of managing her to no avail and have been very patient.

Some things just can't be solved with our "Parenting"...no matter how hard we may try. In certain cases, child counseling can really be beneficial.

As you said, you don't want it to escalate...and get worse. Especially since she is 4 years old now, and soon will be going to school/Kindergarten. Otherwise, these "problems" will sure to be a problem there too... and they may require her to be assessed etc.

You mentioned that a few months after your 2nd baby was born, that THIS is when your 4 year old "stopped being an obedient child...." Ya know, having a sibling thrust upon them, is often a BIG BIG deal to a child. Some adjust fine, some don't. You can't expect a child to just adjust to it over-night. All I know is... when a child becomes an "eldest" sibling... they are often then "expected" to be "perfect" and to be the one not making mistakes and they are always corrected and disciplined as a default...just because they are the eldest child. This puts a great deal of stress and strain on a child. They aren't "grown up" yet at 4 years old. They are also in much "need" and have many needs... which can be demanding. But well, such is a child. Some are more demonstrative, such as your 4 year old. How is her life NOW... that she has a sibling? Does she seem "happy", or at peace with it all???? I know it's complex... but so is a child. Sometimes they are just acting out because of what they are feeling or are not getting (that they need...). Reflect on that...

In any case.. this seems to be a big "issue" and problem... and which LOTS of other people are at a loss of knowing how to handle her. As Parents, we can't always be expected to know what to do... but we can know when our child needs "outside" help and direction/counseling.

I really feel for you.. .it sounds very miserable for your 4 year old... and for those interacting with her. Pray..... continue to truly "believe" in her... you must do something... because when she does start school and this same problem occurs... the school will notify the Parents... and like it or not... if a child is a problem or hurts other children... and if you were the "other" Parent whose child was hurt by another child... wouldn't you be "irked" if that child is not disciplined? Your daughter has a pattern of not listening... and being "angry" and acting out. Not everyone will be so "patient" with her once she is outside the protective "womb" of her family and Cousin care-taker.

To look at the other side of the coin on this:
In my daughter's class.. there are a few children like this... they CONSTANTLY cause disruption in class and physical and verbal trouble to other kids... as a Parent, I would not put up with it or my own child being "hurt" by them. The Teacher disciplines these children and calling the Parents, AND they are sent to the Principal's office. It is only proper. And I expect that. Other Kids can't be picked on or de-valued because of the few children who refuse to listen or cooperate with the other kids. It is unfair to the rest of the class. That is the other shoe to look at. "Other" kids are being treated unfairly because of the few "trouble makers." I understand you don't want your girl to be treated unfairly or "labeled"...but she has a legacy of behavior... that precedes her. Do anything you can now... preventative and lovingly... as you are obviously doing now. Keep at it... keep faith.. .and continue to believe in your daughter....

For your daughter, sure... you need to do something. BEFORE it escalates or she starts elementary school.

take care, and I really hope the best for you,
Susan