Help Me Sort Out THIS

Updated on January 04, 2010
B.S. asks from Englewood, FL
14 answers

I've been married for 8 years, and had our ups and downs in our relationship but we somehow focused our attention to our 2 wonderful children and things got worked out. But this one's just blown me over when I discovered.A couple days after Christmas I 've looked at my husbands laptop and saw listed about 20-25 transvestite adult sites in his history of search..........he has been extremly frustrated about me not making much of money ( he is the main fin. supporter for our family) and other things constantly.( Now thinking back it could have been a mask? for the real problem....)I've been feeling awful about myself because of the way he puts me down.Discovering this is just get me confused about my whole life.So my question is do you think he is gay or "tranny" or both??? ( he has been quite deffensive on anything gay topic so I never thought it could 'interest'him. I don't see any ways our marriage can be saved.Please tell me what you think.

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So What Happened?

I've been to counselor and I think i'm focusing my energy on how to get prepared if things go wrong.
I cannot and won't forgive the hurt he caused whatever it was( he never admitted having sex with someone else),
I think keeping the secret of beeing interested in other man or trannies is undoubtebly puts pressure on a marriage but my guts says there is more to it than that.
At this point I give up on trying to collect "evidence" or proof of anything.I assume that it all happened and that we actually never had a relationship. It was just a fiction, a wish, my imagination...
I'm staying married to him for now for the kids as long as he is supporting me on important issues and gives me the respect I deserve.But I'm not trying to "save " my marriage as I tried so many times before.I am praying to recognize the time and be prepared when it's time to move on and go on our separate ways whether it's a year or 10 years from now.
At this point I'm trying to focus on the future my own and the kids) and figure out ways to make the best of it.I know I'm not the first woman who has to deal with this ( and most likely not the last either),so I will survive and if it did't kill me, it makes me stronger.It's hard to live with a broken heart but I'm a beliver that after rain there always comes sunshine.
Thank You all for your opinions and support, I will keep you updated on happenings.
All my best,
B. S.
P.S. Just in case if you ever run across someone who has to deal with thes issues I've found this website that had tremendeus help for recognizing, and handling a huge secret crashing into a marriage. The web-site is the following: Gay husbands Sraight wives.

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answers from Tampa on

You have to do what is right for you. But I would confront him about everything and see where it leads to.

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answers from Miami on

Hi, B.. I'm so sorry you are in this situation. This is a bad way to find out about a deeply hidden secret in the one you love.

First of all, he may not be gay at all. The majority of men who cross dress (the better word instead of transvestite) are not gay at all. They enjoy the feeling of dressing up as women, but they still love women. I know that sounds strange, but it's true. Some small minority of men are people who feel like women trapped in male bodies, but this is actually fairly rare.

It's sad that your husband is critical and defensive around you, putting you down and pushing you away. However, as strange as you feel about what you have found out about him, understand that he, as the person who is curious or even fantasizing about this stuff, HE feels 10 times worse about it, probably guilty, ashamed, etc.

What's likely is that he's pushing you away out of fear, self-loathing, self-defense. He figures there is no way you will understand, and that you will probably reject him.

If he knew how badly he's hurting you, he probably wouldn't speak to you that way, but he's hurting so much inside, he is likely having trouble thinking about how his defensiveness is hurting you.

I think that if you can find a way to dialogue with him, without mentioning anything about homosexuality, cross-dressing, or sexual identity -- just tell him that when he snaps at you and acts resentfully toward you, it hurts and it's not acceptable, and that you are trying to be a good partner to him...this may create a bridge between you where you two can talk about the deeper issues.

Some couples are able to work through cross dressing issues. Others get torn apart. The level to which you can accept and trust each other will determine how you both get through this.

If at all possible, once you can re-establish communication with him, go see a neutral person who is non-judgemental and can help you both deal with your feelings.

Bear in mind...a lot of men who cross dress do so to relieve stress. The stress of being a man in our society is tremendous. He may have been taught from an early age to regard maleness as never being able to relax, to rest, to let down his guard; he may see himself as the ultimate provider, while the wife and mother gets to stay home and not undergo the stresses of the working world. Yes, he's probably not aware of just how much stress YOU face as a mom, but it's a different stress; you're not facing the world in quite the same way as a working father. He's likely to see that as a much less stressful life than his.

That's why some men cross dress -- to sort of change their skin, to drop the heavy burden of the male role and become someone else for a while. It's a bit auto-erotic, too, which may add to the shame of it for him.

If he's truly curious or at all involved with cross dressing, he's got some complex issues to deal with. I know this is difficult, but try to not be condemning, at least until you knoww all the facts.

I will certainly pray for you and your husband to get through this crisis in one piece.


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answers from Punta Gorda on

#1 I think in your heart you have already made a decision and you just want us to tell you how to accomplish your goal. If that is the case you need to tell us. A. I want to forgive him but I do not know how. B. I want to confront him and have him tell me it was a mistake. C. I know O can never for give him and I need to know how to get out with 2 small children. I promise you that there are women on here that will give you all the help they can no matter what you really want.

#2 My advice to you would be to pray a lot. I will be praying for you. Then while the kids are sleeping or off at a friends really talk to him. Tell him you just need to know the truth. ASk him what he wants from you and what he sees making 2010 a great year. You deserve to know.

#3 Go to marriage counseling. I do not care what anybody says. You can not suffer that huge of a betrayal and just get over it. Got o individual counseling as well if you both need to. If homosexuality is something that he is struggling with he could use individual counseling as well.

My heart goes out to you. I am 31 years old and I could not imagine having to deal with this. Talk to him and talk to him and talk to him. Even if you end things he is still the father of your children and unless you are going to decide to up and leave and never let them see him again you have to talk it out.



answers from Tampa on

First, take a deep breath. Know in your heart that whatever this is, or turns out to be, you CAN get through it.
I noticed in your post that it seems several things are going on.
1. The search history on your husband's computer. Of course this would raise questions about his sexuality. However, unless you talk about it, you won't know the real reason why he was looking at those sites. Curiosity? Interest?
2. He is very frustrated about money and other things. Does he have a healthy outlet for his anger? Someone, other than you, that he trusts and can talk to? Exercise, especially for men, can be a good way to burn off frustration.
3. Your self-esteem is suffering because of the way your husband treats you. This is NOT okay. You are not his punching bag (words can hurt as much as fists). You need to find a way to stand up for yourself. You also need to carve out some time in your schedule for you. Even if its just a long, hot shower without the kids running in and out of the bathroom! You have to take care of you - otherwise you won't be able to take care of the kids.
4. Is he gay or tranny? Only he can answer that, and right now he might not know. Being defensive about gay topics can be a sign that he has deeper feelings about it.
I have gay friends, and have even known 2 trannies, and the coming out process is just that, a process. First there is the questioning of themselves - i.e. if I feel this way, does it mean I am gay? Then there is self-acceptance. Then there is the actual coming out. Also, depending on his upbringing and/or religious convictions, he may be struggling with a whole lot you are not seeing.
5. Wherever the sexuality issue goes, it sounds like you could benefit from counseling, both of you individually, and then together as a couple.
As far as your marriage being saved - time will tell. Every relationship takes work; I am sure you know that. Your boys are young, but not so young that they are oblivious to the tension. Don't let them get lost in the shuffle.
You are a strong woman - you can face this. Just don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.



answers from Jacksonville on

B. - I'd find out the entire situation before making rash decisions. I found out something that I didn't know prior to being married and it has weighed heavily on me. I've decided I love my children more than myself and that my husband is a wonderful father - therefore, I will stay for them. My relationship,however is pretty normal - I mean he doesn't always put me down. I do wonder if my husband has any skeletons like yours but for now - what I don't know, doesn't hurt me.

YOU NEED TO BE SURE of what you've found. Is he just curious or is this really a thing for him? Is there a way you can keep a closer eye on him and pay attention for awhile? While - getting ducks in a row (sort of to stay - for leaving if it is real). Start banking some money that he doesn't know about so you can divorce. Whatever you do will be hard. You with the kids alone will be hard - going through the divorce will be hard.

It depends on what type of man you're dealing with. Is he honest and will he be able to admit what's going on or will he deny it all and get mad?? You know him best so YOU have to decide which way to go. THE BEST WAY to make this happen and be the easiest on the kids, you and the family.

I've thought about if I were to leave. What I would get in order - proof of his money - make copies of checks at the library...copies of his whatever you think you'd need proof of that he would hide or not be honest about. Also, where else does he hide stuff?? Do you know where clubs like this are in your town? Have you done drive by's?

I'm sure my head would be spinning as well - I just want you to do what is best for your boys so they don't have to see a big fight or any dysfunction.

I'd start paying attention more - asking more questions - and see if he will open up to you - once you've figured it out. There are couples who stay together for the kids but are no longer really together. You can figure out how you'd word things or put it on paper. Get him to feel safe telling you this - and that you won't make fun of him or hurt him. It's ok to figure out who you are later in life - but let's make the best of this for the kids. I'm just saying not to belittle HIM with this sort of thing - I'm sure it's hard enough for him to even know he's interested in this. (I mean not really but you know....ACK!). You have to be stronger than you really are to come out of this OK, with things in your favor.

Good luck B..

There are many sites you can go on and ask questions. I went to these myself - you can ask people who are transvestites - they'll give you their opinions via email. I went to and made my info pretty private so no one would figure out who I was. I also typed in, "is my husband gay" and many help sites come up. Investigate so you can see - it's pretty normal in this day and age (although nothing we wanted to deal with). This isn't the end of your life but a good place to make a positive change in it. GOOD LUCK. YOU CAN DO THIS!



answers from Tampa on

He is straight up gay. That's why he is so defensive when you bring it up or say anything pertaining to being gay around him. It has nothing to do with you he just wants what he has and I don't mean you. I am just keeping it real. Start preparing yourself for divorce because he will eventually get tired up playing a double role with you.



answers from Jacksonville on

Dear B.,

This is not the end of the world (trust me on this). Keep in mind whatever is going on with your husband, it's not your fault or because of anything you have or have not done.

First things first, you need to find out what is going on, don't jump to any conclusions. If you approach your husband from an emotional or accusing standpoint, you will never get the truth.

Once you find out the truth, you can take it from there. I know couples where the husband is a cross dresser on the sly and they have stayed together happily. I know couples where one partner is gay and the other isn't and they have stayed together for the kids sake, putting up a front, for some that has worked and for others it hasn't.

Only you can decide when you find out the truth if your marriage can be saved or not. Whatever is going on with your husband, it will not change, so don't bother going down that road. He may be able to abstain from his behaviors for awhile, but they will return. It's better to deal with it now.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and feel free to send me a message if you would like to talk more.




answers from Tampa on

The only thing I can say is set up a meeting with him and try to openly talk about the issues. I would ask him when would be a good time for you both to sit down for X amt of time to talk (without the kids). Perhaps, go to a restaurant or somewhere for this meeting that doesn't allow either of you to raise your voice. During this meeting try to be "nice" and not accuse him of anything. The objective is to get him to talk and feel at ease to tell you what the issue is with him. I don't think you can sort out this unless you somehow get him to trust you enough to open up to you and talk. Good luck! R..



answers from Tampa on

My guess is that he is defensive about the gay topic because he is gay or a tranny, or both. The discomfort in you getting closer to finding out would cause the defensiveness.

Either get a private investigator or confront him. Many years of stress for you and/or him is not worth the silence. It's best to move on if he is. You, your kids, and him will be happier, even though it will not initially feel that way!

How devastating for you and your family!!



answers from Reno on

Get counseling... tell your husband what you found and insist he go with you to marriage counseling



answers from Gainesville on

B., think long and hard about what you will do. Right now you are living decent and times are tuff out there. Your two boys hopefully have no idea about your husband and I think at their age I would not let them find out. Sit down and talk to your husband and let him know how you feel about him putting you down and all. If he can be nice about everything you can take your time to sort this all out. Your still young and can have a good life on your own if you do everything the right way. Like getting a better job and more skills if needed. The Medical field is always a good field to get into like an LPN or even an RN. You have been with your husband for 8 years and this just didn't pop out he has most likely felt this way all along.

Take your time and do what is right for you and the boys first. Good Luck and God Bless C.



answers from Tampa on

I definitely think that he IS a transvestite...and/or is attracted to transvestites. There is NO other reason for him to have 20-some sites like that. I have never heard of any man who would look at that amount of tranny sites if he wasn't interested in being one or meeting one. He is obviously defensive about the gay topic for a REASON. Please do not make excuses for him keeping this secret from you. YOU don;t deserve that kind of treatment from your husband no matter how stressed he is. We are all stressed...but that is no excuse for him to keep such a HUGE secret. I would definitely suggest that you talk to a counselor?Psychologist about this right away to sort out YOUR feelings. I wish you the VERY best, and my prayers are with you.



answers from Tampa on

Ask him
Be willing to hear anything.
When you have the data, then see what you need to do for your boys, and you.
No yelling-and no make wrong,
if you can do that, you can do anything.
Best, k



answers from Orlando on

I think anyone who jumps to a conclusion that he is gay and is attracted to men is ignorant to transvestites. Yes, some gay men like to dress in women's clothing and some gay men like other men dressed in women's clothing. But many (actually most) gay men like other men to be just a man, not a man dressed as a woman. There are many, many STRAIGHT men who actually like to wear women's clothing but are still attracted to women. They don't like to talk about it because they think there is something wrong with them, or they think maybe that makes them gay, but if they talked about it more they would discover how common it really is. Whether he is attracted to men or not is not the biggest issue in your marriage. The biggest issue in your marriage is the lack of communication. You need to see a marriage counselor to figure out how the 2 of you can communicate. Whatever the reason is that he has searched and visited these websites can come out in counseling in front of a professional who can not only tell you how common it is but can help BOTH of you deal with it.

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