I am a mother of two beautiful kids.We have been through a lot together. I left my daughters father when she was 1 1/2 she is now 10 yrs.I had my little boy 2 years later from a guy who turned out to be a no good sorry looser.When he found out I was pregnant he gave me $200 and said get rid of it. So he left and I kept the baby. I have seen him one time in the last 8 years. My daughter"s father said he wanted to father the baby and he has been there since birth and has taken care of my son my daughter & me even when I was married to someone else. I was in this relationship for 7 years and was married for 2yrs. I just got a divorce in Aug. and now i am back with the father of my children which things have been great and I thought the children were happy about mommy and daddy being here all together doing things together like movies,church,bowling, put put, board games at home and the list goes on.
Well, in September after my daughter realized that things were changing like (rules) were set and we were both working together on sticking to them,I noticed a very big change in my daughter with attitude,talking back, rolling of the eyes and slamming her door when she is told to do just about anything it rubs her wrong. The school grades have dropped and the teacher is constantly calling and sending notes home she goes to a private christian school by the way and I thank god they are patient with her.She is very smart but this year has not applied herself. The first report card was all D's & 2 B's use to be all A's. she has become very mouthy toward me but not daddy.
She has told me many times it is my fault she gets in trouble and tells me to shut up and things like: Mother don't start with me and things that would break any mothers heart.
She has become very cold and distant towards me as if she were the boss of me. She has taken it as far as telling me how bad she hates me and that I am a horrible mom. I have tried to be patient and I have set days aside for only her & I. When we do things together she is still the same, very cold & distant. I have taken away things,made her stand in the time out corner and have even tried to talk it out with her to find out what's wrong with her and tell her she is hurting my feelings she acts as if she is ignoring me.She has always been jealous of my son,I never went over board with the attention thing but my son was constantly sick and has had 2 surgery's and had phnemonia, asthma, sleep app. We were always spending days in and out of the hospital and I recently found out he has been diagnosed with depression and has been put on prozac. Depression runs on both sides of my family.Well my daughter seems like she just waits for the first oppertunity to lash out to hurt his feelings and tells him she hates him and she wishes he was never born, how stupid & retarted he is.It hurts him so he has withdrawn him self from us and stays in his room which is not healthy.I feel lost and I have tried to do everything I could and even cried puddles of tears to her and she sits with no expression till she sighs and rolles her eyes as if she does not care.
I am very ill and have been for 2 years now with fibroid tumors, endometriosis, and a few mental health issues and insomnia and just found out I have ovarian cyst and kidney stones and the list goes on. SO right now it is very hard to just let the things she says roll off my shoulders.
Please anyone I am screaming for some advice and I pray that god gives me the strength so I can get through this.I am ready to try anything that will work before she gets too out of control. I am also looking for a good family counsler or Pshc. doctor.
I just hope this is only a stage that will pass but when? HELP!!
Things between my daughter and I have improved and her attitude was taken out on the teacher at school I believe this is a pre teen phase even though she is only 10.
So we were forced to take her out of the private school becuase of the bad attitude they did not want her there unless she was to act right and she did not want to be there any more. So we enrolled her in a public school which she started today 11-28 so we will see if this will help her in any way maybe she needs a change seeing she has been to the private school since she was 2 and around the same children.
She has started doing the things I have asked and we do still have our little hard times but she has really behaved lately. I just hope this lasts with her being good and behaving.It makes things a lot easier.
I don't have any advice to give, but I do know a good Behavioral Therapist- grandmotherly type. Her name is Barbara McDermid, Phd. You can reach her at ###-###-####.
Hope this is helpful!
April
It sounds like your daughter has had the classic "broken family" life, which is unfortunately too common for all of us these days. She's probably had a very difficult time understanding where she belongs and how long the "family of the moment" is going to last. She lacks a sense of permanency. That is by no means a bash on you. I believe you've done the best to provide for your kids and that you've had plenty of lemons handed to you... you've chosen to make the lemonade, so to speak. Then I read about your illness. Another possible threat to your daughter's need for a sense of permanency. If you "leave" her (in her mind, if you die you're abandoning her and she'll feel uprooted again and without a sense of belonging) because of your illness, she no doubt feels she can't handle the loss. So she's probably pushing you away in anticipation. It doesn't have to be logical. It just has to make sense in the scared mind of a 10-year old.
I think a counselor, social worker, or therapist of some kind is a great idea. I am not near Jacksonville, so I can't recommend anyone unfortunately. Anyway, reassure her that you're there for her and understand that she's frustrated and scared. See if she opens up to you a little. And be patient. You're obviously a sensitive, loving mom who just wants the best for her children. GOod luck and best wishes.
As I was reading your request, I kept getting the impression that your daughter may be in competition with you. What I mean by that is, if I read correctly. You are back with her father now, so, for 8ish years she had him all to herself. I sure there were visits and fun times with dad, alone or with her brother.......and now that you two are back together....well, From her 10 year old perspective, he is now siding with you, and doing things with you more than her. She may feel she has lost her seat as the pretty princess of daddy's affection.
This will take some real patience on your part because she has to learn how to share him with another female. You need to let her know how special he thinks she still is and the wonderful things he has been telling you about her. And he will have to make sure he keeps letting her know that she is still his special sweetheart of daughter but also that you are her mother and she'll can not do whatever.......(fill in the blank) that she is doing at the moment.
I hope this helps.
That sounds like the right age for all this to be happening. I just went to the public library and got 2 books on teens, and thats what you are getting, a teen. All kids develop at a different rate, and they enter puberty before we did. I noticed with mine that everything that used to make her sad and cry, she now just took as anger, and it made me remember thats how I was. Its a defense mechanism given to us by nature in order to grow up. My biggest advise to you is to go get books. I've been reading for 3 days now and have learned alot. The biggest lesson was, "If you think its hard living with a teen, its even harder being one." She's probably just going through a bunch of hormonal changes, and along with all your other home differences, its just bound to happen. Don't think I'm nuts, mine started getting visits from Aunt Flo when she was 10. Good luck with it, just be patient.
hi i'm ten too,but i'm just using my mom's mamapedia cause i like reading these story's,first telling her whats wrong its making it way worser,you shouldn't take her stuff away it make her way mad,i think she's really jealous of her brother you should take your son to a babysitter for a day and spend some time with your daughter,call it its her name day ,if she refuses then buy her something that she might like,and i heard she only nice to her father i think maybe cause he's strict and she think he's scary.hope i make sense cause im just ten.good luck :)
Hi Julia -
I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a tough time with your daughter, especially since you've been so ill. My advice to you is short, simple, and to the point: VENT VERTICALLY, that is pray to God for direction, wisdom, and patience during this tough time. Also, seek out Christian counseling from your church or from the Christian school your daughter attends. By no means should you jump at the suggestion to medicate your daughter for her behavior. With all the changes going on in her life as well as the fact that she's nearing her pre-teen years, she's just expressing her feelings the only way she knows how. I'll be sure to pray for you and your family. Blessings to you and yours.
Hi J.,
I feel for you! I know some of what you are going thru! I have a 6 year old daughter who recently has been diagnoised with ADHD. However, with ADHD there goes along other conditions that others do not know about...depression, bypolar disorder..the list goes on...
I myself am sick. I have fibromylgia,psoriatic arthritis,& am being watched for Lupus. and my list goes on...
I got to where I was going to pull my hair out because of my daughters behavior. She was ugly to me and not her dad. Well it lasted TWO years before he started getting treated the same way. We were against medicine but we decided to try it- and it has helped a great deal.
In your case your daughter has been through a great deal of stress with the different relationship with her father, then the looser and back to her father. It to me, brings alot of confusion into the picture. Especially if you two had not been working together as a team when you were apart with the discipline and now are double teaming her.
Maybe also she too has a mild case of depression. I understand the hate & the heartbreak that she is lashing out at you, I too sometimes still go thru this.
Also, is this something that has just rooted or has it been around all these years and is just eroupted? I have heard that you can check with the school counslers and see if they can find out anything for you~however, there is a trust that she will have to bond with before you find out anything- what she says you will have to listen and not re-act to. Just as we teach them- to think about what they say-so do we!
I hope that your relationship with your daughter improves-
Also, I don't know how religious you are- but this is something that I have been doing myself for @ 3 weeks, is laying hands on her (JUST MINE) and praying for her- when she is awake and while she is sleeping an constantly repeating that Jesus and I love her- & that the rest of the family love her. We ask for protection and INNER PEACE for her and I.
Also, ask other people to pray for you and her and your family - you don't have to tell them why, just that you need prayer. The power of prayer is GREat! I will pray for you all!
Best of luck! If you would like contact me and maybe we can help each other :) L.
It seems to me like your daughter really needs to go to counseling to deal with some of her angry and feelings. Divorce can be extremely h*** o* a child. I know you think she should be happy about her dad and you getting back together but it sounds like the last time you guys were together she was 1 1/2 and probably doesn't remember it. For her life (7 years out of 10) your ex-husband was the man in the house. I am sure she has a strong bond with him despite the fact he is not her biological father, maybe even a closer bond with him since he lived in the household. A huge change like that can have a devastating effect on a child and if you don't get counseling I can tell you it probably wont get better. It is possible that she feels you ruined the marriage by seeing her father or she could feel like she is not as important to you anymore because her father is now a big part of your life. Honestly, it is so hard to say what is going through a child's mind but she is desperately seeking help that is what all the anger and hurtful things are about. She is trying to get your attention. I would not only look for a counselor but encourage her to talk to you, let her know that she can say anything to you without getting into trouble, more than likely if she doesn't already feel comfortable talking to you, which is sounds like she doesn't then it will be very hard to establish that bond now. Make her feel important, instead of talking about her brother talk about her, give her some alone time with you without her father or brother, try everything you can to make her feel important and valued in the family. Talk to your ex-husband and see if he wants to play a role in the children's lifes too, even though he isn’t their real father he still has been there and seen them grow up for the last 7 years. Let him take her for a day out and maybe he can talk with her and see how she is feeling. Keep praying because I know first hand God does lisen and he will help you guys get through this as a family.
You may be heading into the tween years. I have a 13 year old granddaughter and that behavior started about that time. It may actually have nothing to do with the change as much as her growing pains and desire to be her own person. We are lucky and it is easing up a bit but we still get the rolling eyes and occasionally the mouth. Welcome to the teen years.
Hi,
My name is S.. I believe I have a pretty good idea of how terrible you may be feeling. Have you tried to get someone you trust who will be act as a big brother or sister and will be more at her level to listen to her maybe get to spend an hour or so doing something she likes. I find that rewarding kids for their good behavoir work a lot of the time. Also, I do not know how your financial situation is or where you live, but Catholic Charities have counseling at prices that are very reasonably 1 800 242-9012. Hope this helps.
Hi J.,
I am so sorry you are going through this with your daughter. It sounds like you are having a hard enough time with your own life (first dad reentering and your illnesses) to have a defiant daughter on top of it.
I am no counselor but I know a good one. She is Leslie Rainaldi in Tampa, ###-###-####, she is off of Platt St near the Crosstown expressway. She is kinda expensive but she has helped me alot (marriage and self issues). It is good to have someone with experience to talk to.
By the way, I run a sewing workroom for draperies and bedding and I have a few customers that need slipcovers too. Do you sew alot (being ill and all) or is it a side job for you? I could use a good seamstress.
K.
Sounds like my daughter. My daughter started going downhill when my husband and I decided to let my stepdaughter live with us (huge mistake). We had to give most of our attention to my stepdaughter so that we can get her into our way of living. And because my husband felt sorry for my stepdaughter he put all of his attention from our 10yr old to my stepdaughter. Now my stepdaughter has moved out and we are still dealing with my daughters behavior problems. Which for the most part are exactly what you describe your daughter is doing. So we decided to take her to a therapist who is extremely nice and is working on diagnosing her. The only thing holding us up is the school of course with their ridiculous paper work. So my advice is maybe a therapist or counselor will help her talk about her anger issues toward you. I dont really believe she is mad at you just some of the things that has happened.
