Help! I Have a Stubborn 18 Month Old

Updated on March 16, 2008
K.M. asks from Bothell, WA
5 answers

Hi, so I know that every toddler throws temper tantrams but I think my little guy Jack goes a little over board. He is 18 months old and so stubborn and strong willed, which can me a good thing when he gets older but for now, not so good!! He cries and throws himself on the ground over everything (getting his diaper changed, getting is toe nails clipped, putting his coat on, getting the milk he asked for...) As of right now I just walk away until he stops crying, which sometimes works, or I try to talk to him which doesn't work.

I just wondered if anyone has tips that have worked with thier children on this screaming and crying thing. It is getting really old in my house!!

Thanks
K. and Jack

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M.D.

answers from Seattle on

Hi K.,

I have a soon to be 3year old who I was ready to ship off to military school cause of her tantrums. But I found she's very into praises and rewards. Have you tried a reward system with him? So basically whenever you have a moment where you get all his clothes on without a tantrum, you give him a treat. Or you could try a chart with stickers (kids love stickers!) and let him put a sticker up for every time you get through the chosen chore/duty without a tantrum. Maybe also make a game out of doing things possibly?

I don't know if you've tried this either, but for getting our daughter dressed, I have always let her play with her clothes and she is able to essentially dress herself and will sometimes even get very angry if I don't let her at least try to do it herself. Once she's had a go at it, I ask her if she would like me to help and usually she says yeah and hands over whatever it is she's struggling with; which is to say maybe if you let him try to do some of those things on his own he might not feel so threatend when you try to do it or feels like he has a part in controlling what happens to his body.

I tried walking away when she threw tantrums also but soon learned all this did was made things wayyy worse. Heaven help us :) Good luck!

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L.K.

answers from Seattle on

I am a mother of five and have experienced this to the extreme with my last three kids. In my experience, distraction is the absolute best tool. I will use my words to say that the behavior is not ok, and then show them something that IS appropriate (usually playing with a toy that I know that they enjoy). Currently I have been exercising this "technique" with my two year old little girl who loves to push our buttons and really "means business" when she has made up her mind about something! What I can tell you, is that it does pass, and they mellow out with age.

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J.L.

answers from Seattle on

My daughter hasn't gotten to the temper tantrum phase yet (she's 12 months), but the best advice I've heard is to ignore the behavior. Kids will act out to get attention (even if it's negative/scolding), so ignoring the behavior and enforcing good behavior sounds like a good bet.

Is sounds like you are already tring that approach and I would recommend continuing.

Good luck to you!

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H.B.

answers from Seattle on

I have a 3 year old and a 20 month old, so we've had our share of tantrums. I am sympathetic with you because it is NO fun, especially when it occurs in public!

My best advice is to stay very calm, take some deep breaths if necessary, speak in a low steady voice to tell them what you need to do (as in, Mama just needs to change your diaper now, so you need to lie down, or whatever) while firmly "helping" him to cooperate. If you can prepare him for it a little bit, telling him what you are going to do ahead of time, that might help too, as some kids just don't like to be taken by surprise. Then firmly follow through on what you are doing - don't back down or give in to the behavior! If it is something where he can have some control over the situation (like if he wants to pick out a toy to hold before a diaper change or pick out the cup he wants to have his milk in) then that might help as well. I know sometimes my daughter flips out because she wants to "choose" to do whatever the action is, so I try to balance between allowing some sense of that, while also not giving up my authority as the parent. During the resisted event (nailclipping has also been an issue, sometimes tooth brushing or diaper changes), I continue to speak calmly, saying good girl, when she is being calm and cooperating. My husband has very good results, when our daughter is crying or being overdramatic about something, just saying to her "that's enough crying now, you need to stop" in a firm voice. She actually listens and stops.

As a stage, it definitely won't last forever, as others have said, but I've seen parents who are dealing with it a LOT longer than others because they have given in to their child's fits and therefore reinforced the behavior (hey, if it works, keep doing it!). My 3 year old VERY rarely throws fits now. With him, when behavior stuff like this starts to become an issue again (and it pops up from time to time) I have to take the time to talk about the behavior before the anticipated event that will cause it (grocery store trip, or whatever). We talk about why the behavior (begging for stuff, throwing fits, running away, whatever it is) is not ok, what the consequence will be if he does it, and how much I hope he will listen and obey, because I don't want to have to discipline him when we get home. Then if he starts to act out, I get down at his level, look him in the eye and calmly remind him of our conversation and the consequence of disobeying. Then I give him hugs and praise afterwards, when he has been obedient, telling him how proud I am. This has worked very well for us.

My kids are not perfect, but I think their phases of pushing limits tend to be shortlived because I try to always stay calm, I talk to them firmly and without getting angry, and I follow through consistently with discipline or just enforcing whatever activity needs to happen, making sure they know I'm the one in charge.

Good luck, with consistency you can hopefully create a calmer home for all of you!

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T.L.

answers from Seattle on

All I can say is my 19 mo old would only let me clip one nail at a time without pulling/pushing away until about 1 week ago! Now she is ok with it (I now also say "clip, clip", so I think when the time is right that part will work out.

I mentioned nail clipping as a concern to my Pediatrician who looked at my like I was not normal!

Others I have known with success in this area have clipped the nails while child was sleeping, chewed them off (I am serious), or used a nail file.

Finally, my child has let it happen so I am sure your will with time too!

T.

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