Help, Husband Is Driving Me Crazy with His Horrible Attitude!!!

Updated on January 16, 2011
T.D. asks from Sanibel, FL
19 answers

Ok mamas, I am at my breaking point and really need some lifting up. Quick background, Hubby and I have been married 14yrs, have 3 kids, I am a SAHM but also nanny 3 kids under 3 during the week so I have alot on my plate right now. A year ago my hubby's dad died of ALS and he understandablly has changed because of it. He literally is a completely different person and also resumed smoking after his death. Fast forward to now, hubby just quit smoking YEAH but is very moody ALL the time, has very bad mood swings and is so Angry. I for the past month have been living in a HELL HOLE. I walk around on egg shells around him because anything sets him off. I have really tried to be understanding with his fathers passing (I miss his dad so much too as he was like a father to me as well) and also have been SO supportive of his quitting smoking but HOW long does one have to live like this in such a anger ridden home that is now affecting our children-they don't know if daddy's gonna yell at them or me! PLEASE be kind and supportive with advice as I consider myself a good wife and mother and am just stretched so thin right now....He won't go to counseling as he always tells me it's MY problem if I can't handle his personality as he is cussing at me or complaining about things I do or don't do. Also I just lost my grandmother and my mother is in some sort of depression so I am also dealing with that and trying to be everyones everything with not much support :(

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So What Happened?

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement...just what I needed today. I do love him and I know he loves me but he needs to work on himself,attitude,anger issues and disrespect. I have reached out to some family and they have been wonderful and understanding as I can't go through this alone anymore. Counseling is a good option for me as to have someone not involved in the family would probably be better for me and hopefully soon for him. Keep praying for peace and understanding for my family and thank you again mamas :)

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answers from Detroit on

My husband has quit smoking about 5 times now since I've known him. I do give him credit for continuing to try. Anyway, he knows now how it affects him. And the last 2 times, he started a workout program the same day he quit. The exercise gives him the boost he feels he is missing from smoking and also helps withe mood swings the quitting can cause. I would suggest trying to get him to exercise. If you guys can work it out so you can exercise together (even just a daily walk) if at all possible, that would probably be even better. Sounds like you could use a little boost too.

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answers from Austin on

Well if he will not go to counseling, then maybe he is not allowed to stay in the house..

He HAS to get help. You and your children need a healthy father and husband. This could affect his job/career, he cannot hold it together at all times and it is going to get worse..

If he had cancer, would he say it was your problem, just deal with it?
Depression is a physical change in his brain. He needs help. He will probably not be able to get through this without professional help..

If he will not go on his own, suggest marriage counseling and tell him you will not back down.. You will assume he does not care enough about you and the children so he will have to leave..

I am sending you strength. He is obviously begging for help, but does not even realize it. Depression is real, he is in denial.. You need to make him hit rock bottom, but in a safe way. Send the kids somewhere and have a blunt fact based conversation, stressing you love him, you know he is in pain, but he needs to get this together for his families sake..

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Modesto on

he's definitely depressed and probably needs some temporary meds until he gets back to his ol' self again.
you might have to do something drastic to get his attention.
Like pack up and take the kids with you and leave him alone in the house till he "get's it".
I did that a few times and it will get his attention if nothing else does.
Let him know you want him to see the doc and get on some anxiety medication because it is not fair for you and the kids to continually deal with his anger. OR he needs to get off of his pity pot and check back in with the family.
Im on my 15th day of not smoking, so I know how the mood swings are, my hubby keeps telling me to chill too :)

4 moms found this helpful


answers from St. Louis on

let him read this forum. & if he won't seek treatment, then please do so for yourself.

& just as a heads-up: he may be feeling the exact same things you be prepared to hear his words!

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

It is not your fault for not being able to deal with his temper. That is beyond ridiculous and is obviously a part of the problem.

I believe if my husband were acting like this towards me, I would calmly, yet firmly demand respect and gratitude or he can sleep on the couch until he can learn to overcome his anger issues.

He is providing an environment of fear and discomfort in a home in which your, your children and the children you nanny should feel the most comfortable, and a sanctuary from the world.

There are many anger management resources online, I would probably print some information out for him. It can be a combination of him not dealing with his dad's death, smoking withdrawals or depression, but whatever it is, it isn't healthy for him or your family.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Modesto on

Maybe a candle lit dinner for the two of you alone or a date night so you can talk about these issues. He might be feeling the same pressures you are and since he's a man they feel worse if they cant "fix" things.
You need to talk to him in a loving fashion and not an accusatory one. Maybe a few tears on your end will help him understand how scared you are for him and the family if things keep going the way they are.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Minneapolis on

I know your husband won't go to counseling, but what about you? Some support and guidance is better than none. At the very least, the therapist can maybe point you in the right direction of resources and perhaps good advice for your husband's anger issues.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Denver on

Many men have trouble verbalizing what's really bothering them. I imagine there is more to it than his dad passing and quitting smoking. Depression is probably amplified by the loses in his life and even though his actions are screaming for help, he's not going to get it on his own.

I would agree counseling is a good bet. Since you know he won't go, why don't you try this approach: I want to go to counseling and was hoping you'd show your support by going with me. Ok, I stole it from Dr. Phil but it makes complete sense. You need help to deal with your stuff.

You both have been dealing with a lot and now you're not only two ships that pass in the night you're on complete opposite sides of the universe.

You both need to find your compass and get back to being a team.

The best way to do that is to only point a finger at yourself and fix what you can control.

Perhaps you should let him read this. I'm picking on both of you because you both have issues that need to be resolved. Neither one of you is more wrong/right than the other. You both need some guidance.

Wishing you much luck because it will be hard work. Anything worth having is worth fighting for.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Philadelphia on

You should't have to walk on egg shells in your own house with your husband. Sit down and talk to him this must stop immediately. I would recommend he gets counseling for how to better deal with his anger because this can't continue.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Tampa on

He needs to see his Dr and get an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication. You need to tell him his snapping and raging isn't your fault or your problem - nor the children's. He needs to take care of his mental health and that is with both medication and therapy. His family needs him.

You also need to point out that you've had a lot of traumatic family issues from your side too, and you aren't rampaging on everyone due to it. You must also mention that you have a lot of understanding and sympathy for his loss - you feel it too - but that does not allow for his behavior towards his family at home.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

it sounds like withdrawals mixed with depression. He may need some serious counseling/therapy.
living in a student housing you get a lot of stressed out moms and dads who have gone back to school. i see this a lot!
stress leads leads to anger and depression and horrible things can come out of that. neighbors of mine have murdered and committed suicide, there have been many in a the last two years. and we live in the safest city ranked by the FBI.
anyway, please get him therapy so he can get out his feelings in a healthy way! it will help him a lot!

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Provo on

I feel for you because this is a really tough situation. He is being abusive and a bit controlling. He won't go to counseling but I can only suggest that you do. Make yourself strong and then you can make the best decision for everyone!! My X husband was sexually abused as a child and suffered with anger issues because of it. He felt it gave him the right to treat people anyway he wanted. Lots of people have lots of trauma in their lives and they deal with it and move on in a positive direction. If he wants to live his life this way then he can do it but why should you subject yourself and your children to this. The counselor told me to remember this phrase, "Get help or get out!"

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Honolulu on

He quit smoking.
THAT is the reason.
Yah, it causes a person to literally, be like that.
So keep that in mind.
He is withdrawing....

He can however, try natural 'stress' pills.
One is called "Happy Camper" which many men take for stress.
Or just go to a natural food store type place or Whole Foods, and just have him get something for either stress or mood-swings.
If you ask the Store Clerk... they are very knowledgeable and helpful....
I have tried these things and it helps.

He has quit smoking.
He can either go to a support group (it doesn't have to be a Counselor) or he can try natural alternatives to ease the stress.

all the best,

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Miami on


I feel for you. The best thing that you can do for yourself, your children and your husband is to seek counceling. Even if he doesn't go, you may find with the counceling there are ways of helping him and eventually getting him there with you. I can understand the grieving process and the withdrawal. My husband has quit smoking more times than I can count and eventually starts again. And yes there are mood swings, however he has those anyway, he is ADHD. What I have learned with him is that I just leave him to his own devices and not get in his way. He is a bit of a gamer so I let him take his frustrations out on the video games. For some people this doesn't work, for him it does. Your husband does however need to see a professional to find out what is going on and why?

I wish you all the best of luck, and you are in my prayers. Keep your chin up and stick with it and you will persevere.

Good luck.




answers from San Francisco on

With depression do the opposite. For example, instead of staying home and feeling sad, then go out, be with friends, volunteer, start a hobby, exercise. Something to keep the person going that will lift their spirits. Doing something creative is always a good outlet, especially in dealing with life's happenings. I hope some of the ideas help. You are strong and you're doing great in trying to keep it together, but don't forget to take care of yourself, too.



answers from Tampa on

Ok, smoking effects the blood sugar level, so quiting really messes it up-so get sugar out of the house- and apple cider, and orange juice in, and then lots of easy to use protien, hard boiled eggs,a nd cheese. When he is ranting try just putting food in front of him. If his blood sugar has gone nuts on him then physically he is out of his own control.
Make sure the food you have to hand is as good as you can muster- Nourshing Traditions is a great cook book for that, and ways to do it that are not too expensive.
Is he afraid of gettin ALS? Has he seen a doc. Maybe you are just getting his fear. I have no idea how to get a husband to see a doc- maybe the hardest thing a wife has to deal with.
And please make sure you, too , are eating well to deal w/ all you have going on.
For your mom, extroverting her will help, and the best way of that is to take her for a walk and point out things for her to notice, and to do that until she is looking out instead of in. There is alot more to that, and pls contact me, and we can go over additional assitance for you if you like.
And really- making sure everyone- the kids too, are well fed goes a long way in everyone being able to get thro this.
best, k



answers from Tampa on

This is not your fault! It sounds like your husband is in a deep depression, filled with guilt, and needs help. He may have been somewhat like this before his father's death, but it has increased in intensity. He is being emotionally abusive to you and the children, and if you don't set some boundaries this could esculate. Be brave, take care of yourself and your children. He must get help or this will not stop. Trust me I know. He needs some tough love.



answers from Jacksonville on

Try recording him, either tape or video. Or even a nanny cam. But do it so its not noticeable to him and then play it back so he can see how he really is. Until he recognizes his negative ways, nothing will change. Otherwise you will have kick him out. I know thats a hard thing to here but you have to think of your children and you. Its not healthly for anyone to live in that kind of enviroment. Good luck and I hope for the best.



answers from Nashville on

hi hun I kinda of know what your going through I have been married to my husband almost 16yrs he lost his mom 6 yrs ago but right after it happend it was a very tough situation my husband was a very angry person never in a good mood and on top of loseing his mom we misscarried for the fourth time no one in his family was getting along the only thing I can tell you is what I did to get through it I stood by my husband when he was in a bad mood I just didnt talk to him gave him his space I got us into the retovi program which was a big help we are catholic and its ran by the catholic church but all religions are welcome and its free its a weekend with other couples who have had problems and them talking to you its learing about eachother more deeply its a life changing experience if you go to catholic retro you should be able to find out the info about it good luck and I will keep you in my prayers

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