You are a big girl of 43, you can eat crow pretty well now when needed. Here's your serving.
Your son is an adult. Yes it is rough out there and few jobs everywhere, but there is no excuse for you to be keeping him from finding one. His job is to secure a job. Sounds like you are afraid of this kid and his outburst, you don't want to make him angry, but he will never be a man if you don't stand up to him and tell him that he has to take care of himself, is living under your roof and will not under any circumstance mistreat anyone living there with unkindness. You are cowering away and that is empowering him. You have created a monster and the chickens are coming home to roost now, because this is not new behavior. You have been allowing this all along. You have a 71 y/o helping you and you are letting this little piss ant destroy the balance of things.
It's not your mom's responsibility, it is not your son's responsibility, It is yours and that long gone husband to pay his share, you know, CHILD SUPPORT!! IF YOU DON'T HAVE IT, GET IT, STICK IT, AND DON'T LET UP. SOME OF HIS BEHAVIOR IS YOUR GIVING HIM PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITIES, BUT THEY ARE NOT HIS. THE OTHER HALF IS HE IS A SPOILED, DISRESPECTFUL BOY GROWING INTO A BUM. SURE HE LOVES YOU, BUT HE IS SETTING A BAD EXAMPLE FOR HOW TO TREAT MOTHERS AND WOMEN FOR YOUR OTHER CHILDREN, YOU HAD BETTER STOP HIM NOW AND GET YOURSELF TOGETHER! THIS IS DESTRUCTIVE. LOOK AT YOURSELF AND WHAT YOU ARE NOT DOING. WHAT CAN YOU STRENGTHEN WHEN IT COMES TO DISCIPLINES UNDER YOUR ROOF FOR CHILDREN AND ADULTS AND WHAT CAN YOU IMPROVE???
YOU MAKE HIM GROW UP BY MAKING HIM BE A MAN. THAT MAY MEAN THAT YOU HAVE TO PUT HIM OUT. SOUNDS BAD, BUT, HE'LL BE PUTTING YOU OUT SOON IF YOU DON'T CHANGE.
I throw the towel down on this one! you had better start standing up or calling the cops! This is dangerous behavior. Maybe you need to call steve wilkos.
If it is indeed a fact that the new wife may not want him there, it may be just what he needs, because, she will not allow him to destroy her household and disrepect her in anyway, something it sounds as though you do not have the strength to do. If you allow this to continue, it is going to end up really bad. Let him go live with dad. He needs a man around to steer him in the right direction. You have been there all along, and you have tried, but you are unable to do. He is 20, you are not throwing him away. You would be taking a positive step toward helping him. So what if he gets mad, he needs to grow up and you need to let him.
Next thing is FIX YOURSELF. You enjoy attending your own pity party obviously. That quote is partially from 1 Cor. 10:13, It means:
"God will never give us more than we can bear, in trouble he will always show us a way out."
God does not just sit in heaven and pile miseries on, it is almost sacreligious to even almost think so. We make our problems, God does not sit there waiting to zap anyone. If we remove the the cobwebs, we can see more clearly.
Ask the savior to help you, comfort strengthen and keep you. He is willing to help you, he will carry you through. Eccl. There is nothing new under the sun. You are not going through anything no one else has. You can really do this but you must keep God in the equation, listen to some of these wise women here on the site who can help and stop making your son a bum. Make him a man.
Your 71y/o mother is helping you? Shame on you. She if not overly wealthy probably lives on a fixed income. She is at age, frail, you need to get out and find the community resources available to help you.
I know this sounds mean, but probably mean as what your son can dish out.
I say these things out of tough love for a fellow mom and christian sister. All through the scriptures Christ gave tough love. If you can do nothing ask for help from your church. But doing nothing is going to make things worse. I am glad you reached out to this community. These ladies usually have something to offer that is pretty terrific. Began to respect yourself and your station in that household and stop letting your son be a jerk. You don't have to tolerate it. I just feel alot of chaos around this. You and only you can pull this together, listen to others and take heed to their input.