Help!! How Do I Handle This?

Updated on May 06, 2011
M.M. asks from Valdosta, GA
19 answers

I will start off by saying I just found out my 17 year old son and his 15 year old girlfriend are having a baby. My son lives with his dad. I found out several months ago that my exhusband let our son's girlfriend spend the night at the house. When I found out about it from our daughter who lives with me, I called him and asked him how he could be so stupid. He told me that I was just being paranoid and that the kids all sleep in separate rooms. I told him what if she got pregnant and he told me that I was just nagging him and that it would not happen. Then one day I receive an annoymous call letting me that she is pregnant. I called my ex and broke to news to him. I just had to rub it on his face. I know there is nothing I can do. What happened, "happened". I can not change anything or turn time back. My son is just 2 weeks from graduating from high school. Her mother is extremely excited and can't wait for the baby to be born. My daughter is the same age and I do not know what I would do if it had been her. How do you deal with this, how do you handle this? I am sooo confused. Her mother told me she will raise the child until her daughter finished school. All I can do is pray about it.

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answers from Baton Rouge on

You can't undo it. If they are determined to have the baby, then all you can do is decide whether or not you will be a loving granny to the baby, or resent it.

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answers from New York on

First take a deep breath. Second pray. Third, realize that even though you don't agree with the fact that your ex allowed this couple to have free reign in the hosue, they may still have gotten pregnant without that opportunity. Sure it made it a lot easier and I do agree with you - but it's all water under the bridge now.

You love your son. You will love this grandchild in a way you can't imagine. Get to know the girlfirend and be kind & caring to her - she's is the gatekeeper to your grandchild and the one who'll do most of the child-rearing - whether or not this young couple stays together.

Encourage yor son to take responsibility. That's what a grown up adult person does. He can go to school, work and be a dad all at the same time. It's been done hundreds of thousands of times over the centuries. It won't be easy - but he'll be a more mature man becuase of it.

Encourage the couple's relationship. Hopefully they wil continue to love eachother and mature together - that is what's best for the child. Hopefully they will have a future together - it's your job to help nurture that and help them both become young adults. It's only been in the last 50-75 years that marriage has been delayed into our 20's and older. For all of civilization before that time couples had gotten married and begun thier families before age 20.

I'm now in my early 50's. I have firends and business associates who started their marriage this way - Ooops! But now at my age their youngest kids are done with high school or college, they're seeing their kids get married and have babies, they're enjoying their "empty nest" life together while they're still young enough to enjoy it. I, on the other hand still have kids in middle school and high school!!!

God has way of taking a not-good situation and making it into a good thing and a blessing. Do what you can to encourage these youngsters to grow up and take responsibility the best you can. You should probably call the girl's mom and chat, see where she is mentally / emotionally. Maybe schedule a lunch or dinner at your house with the young couple. No accusations, no recriminations. Let's jsut see what the young couple have planned (and exploratory meeting so to speak) and see how you as parents can help them become responsible young adults / parents.

No, it's not ideal - but they chose life and that's a good thing. Choose to focus on the positive things about this and forgive the stuff that doesn't meet withyour expectations. God shows us all lots of grace - so we need to spread it around.

Good luck mama - I know you'll handle this well.

9 moms found this helpful


answers from Youngstown on

If teenagers want to have sex they will do it anywhere not just in bed at night during a sleepover. You should just love this baby. With two teen parents he/she is going to need it. I think the other mother should let her daughter take care of the baby though. Responsibility for their actions and all. She may or not be responsible though and children are very important. I was 15 when my neice was born and basically took care of her as my sister was too worried about what her boyfriend was doing(babys father). I got up in the middle of the night picked her up from daycare on my way home from school(it was one block away from the highschool so I walked her home in a stroller then drove her when I got my car) did all the things a mother does except buy her clothes and formula and give birth. She called me Mommy Aunt Melanie for years. I was a responsible 15yo though and knew this baby needed love. You should have a talk with the other mother and the kids and make sure they realize the baby is thiers and not the other mothers. My niece has no bond with my sister and she(my niece) resents her(my sis) and hates being with her and I think it stems from the fact that my sister was not interested in her as a baby. I also find it odd that this mother is EXCITED that her 15yo is prego. I got pregnant at 21 and my now husband was 20 and my MIL was very upset and felt we were too young and thought for some reason she would be raising the baby and kept telling us she wouldn't...she didn't REALLY know me back then and would fight me for control over my baby because he was my world and she had no say whatsoever! Good the best grandma you can this baby didn't choose to be born this way so just love him/her with all your heart

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answers from Glens Falls on

At this point, I think the best way to handle it is to start preparing your son for the responsibilities of parenthood. While I don't agree with your ex's decision to let her sleep at the house, two teens looking to have sex will find a place. This isn't really a time to place blame; it sounds like the kids both needed more guidance on the ramifications and responsibilities of having sexual relations which could have come from any of 4 parents, but as you said what's done is done. The girl's parents "happiness" might be their way of supporting their daughter. They probably would prefer this was coming at a different time and in a different way, too. I wouldn't judge them too harshly. As parents of the girl in this teenage pregnancy, they will be going through a lot of health concerns and worries and expenses with the delivery. I would pray for acceptance and the strength to support your son in being a responsible parent, support the young teen girl who is now faced with pregnancy and childbirth at such a young age and pulling together with the other parents (grandparents) on trying to create the best circumstances possible (while still promoting their own responsibility and accountability) for these two young people and the baby.

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answers from Boise on

I agree with many, in that you need to support your son to do the best he can. I, however, strongly disagree with one of the other ladies who suggested that any plans he has for college are out the window. If he did have plans, it is in everyone's best interest to try to encourage him to continue with his education in order to truly provide the best life he can for everyone involved. What that looks like, well, working and college and living at home and having no life. Sounds like the best thing you can do at this point is work with your son to know his rights, make a good plan, and be truly educated. Good luck.

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answers from Kansas City on

I am a mother and I also have a daughter. Luckily she is only four so I have years before I have to "deal" with this. Honestly, there is so much of me that would advise my daughter to end the pregnancy if she was 15 . . . we as mothers know your life changes when you have kids. Being 15, well, your life stops or changes beyond your wildest dreams. Now again, my daughter is four and I might feel differently in 10 years but this is how I feel now. Fifteen year olds, again in my opinion, are not mature enough to handle this situation. There are so many areas of concern . . . can they afford the baby? Will they finish high school? Go to college? Who will watch the baby when they are in school or at work? Everyone involved needs to talk about this especially if they move forward with having the baby. Are all the parents of the teenagers willing to support them financially, emotionally and so on. This is a HUGE and they really need to wiegh their options and do what is best for them and of course the baby. Good luck to you.

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answers from Jacksonville on

I agree with Meredith.
Unfortunately, in today's teen world, having a baby is very accepted and almost glorified to some degree in some circles. It is "nothing" for an unwed young woman (usually just out of high school or a year or two older) to become pregnant and have the baby, keep it, and live with mom/dad to raise it. And continue dating a long list of temporary monogamous relationships while the grandmom babysits--or drag the little one out WITH them. And have a huge baby shower with all their friends (who are single and bring their own babies with them) to celebrate the pending birth.

In my opinion, adoption is by FAR the best choice for a couple in the situation your son is in. But, again, as Meredith said, since your child is the father and not the one carrying the baby, there isn't much you can do to influence their thoughts about this, except pray. Maybe talk to your son and see if he has any influence with his girlfriend. This young woman's mother is "excited"? That is the "glorification" I was referring to. Maybe I should have left that part for another post.


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answers from Washington DC on

I would also encourage your son to know his rights. If she changes her tune, will he have visitation? What about child support? Maybe make him sit down and watch a few episodes of Teen Mom to see what he might be up against. He needs to man up.

I would have some frank talks with your daughter. My daughter and my nephew's daughter were born around the same time (nephew in his early 20s but living at home) and the teens in each household have commented that there is no better birth control than a screaming baby at 2 AM. Maybe her brother's realities can be a lesson for your daughter. I would also make sure she knows why you are so upset and disappointed.

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answers from San Diego on

It sounds like there are two loving parents on both sides of the situation. Help your son out emotionally as much as you can, but he made his bed. Your son needs to help out financially and do what he can. If he gets a job then he gets a job. By making your son face up to his problems and be a man, maybe you will show your daughter how hard it will be from both sides. She will see the baby and hear how hard it is from the father's side which I think is important. You also need to see what your son's plans are and what your role in the future will be. Take a deep breath and talk it out with all the people involved. Most important do not let your son be that guy who checks out once the baby is born and runs away.

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answers from Lansing on

I set the best examples, values and morals for my children. Talked about birth control, std's, marriage, kids etc. Gave my kids the best guidance I could with great emphasis on great morals, values and examples. It was up to my children to listen and follow my guidance. I couldn't make them listen or follow my examples, morals, and values, all I can do is try my hardest and best, which I do believe I do. However, I have my two oldest children that saw life differently. My son, knew a girl for only about four months, when she told him she was pregnant with his baby. They lied and said they were not having sex, and then it was they were using birth control. This is the second child for this woman that she has had without being married and she is irresponsible and neglegent with her first child, so her track record is not the greatest. I pointed all this out to my son. He choose to do his own thing. Now he's living with this woman (they are not married), and the two kids, the baby which he claims is his (I have my doubts on whether the child is his or not but he refuses to get a paternity test.) My daughter has lived with several men and had sex with many more. She parties a lot, drinks, does drugs, is not married. Not the best life style but she chose this life style. Neither of my children followed the examples, morals, or values I tried to instill in them. I do have hope for my two youngest and they have seen that their older siblings have not set the best examples for them too follow, but I love all of my children and continue to wish the best in life for them. Hope this helps you just a little.

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answers from Bellingham on

It may not be the ideal way you dreamed of becoming a grandma, but regardless, this is your 1st grandchild. Love him/her just the same as if your son and his gf were married. This moment will only happen once in your lifetime (becoming a grandparent)... So embrace it and love that baby to pieces!!! This doesn't mean that u condone these kids having sex, it just means that u love your family and are there no matter what. =) Enjoy your new grand baby!!!

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answers from Utica on

"Her mother is extremely excited and can't wait for the baby to be born." What the hell kind of reaction is that to a 15 year olds pregnancy? I get that What happened, happened but seriously? It sounds like this child was screwed from the get go. Obviously her mother is not the Motherly type and thinks that this is some sort of happy occasion. Im happy to hear that this baby is being accepted but I think as of right now this girl needs a parental figure to help get her life in check before people start making this something to be celebrated. Having a baby is not a joke and will forever change this girls life and your sons and it seems that this girl is not going to get that realization from her own Mother, so maybe you could sit her down and point out the reality that is about to be her life
Good Luck to you all

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answers from Las Vegas on

I think, first of all, you need to speak with both of your children about the situation. This is a good time to talk to your daughter about sex (again), waiting until you are emotionally mature and find the right guy before you begin, and birth control. Use this to create an open dialog between the two of you. I believe that knowledge is power. You can also use your son's and his pregnant girlfriend's experience to talk about how difficult being a teenage parent can be.

You also need to speak with your son and talk to him about what his plans are for taking care of his pregnant girlfriend and child once he/she is born. It would be nice if he could continue his education (a high school education is not enough now days to build a career on and make enough money to raise a family) but he is going to have to work to make some money to help support his child. He also should plan on taking some baby care and parenting classes before the baby arrives so that he will be ready to be a hands-on dad.

Other than this, I don't think there is much else you can really do. As you wisely pointed out, what's done is done. Now it's just a matter of making sure that your son has an action plan and knows how he is going to juggle all of his responsibilities and what he needs to do to develop a career. It's also time to talk to you daughter about sex, abstinance, birth control and teen pregnancy.

As a little side note, it wasn't smart for your ex to allow the girlfriend to sleep over but chances are your son and his girlfriend were finding ways to be sexually active anyway, with or without the sleepover.

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answers from Dallas on

As the mother of the dad in this situation, praying is about all you can do. You can offer your support (to the degree that you feel comfortable) to both of them, but ultimately the decision to continue or end the pregnancy is hers. If they choose adoption or parenting, it's up to you how much moral, physical and financial support you provide.

Take a deep breath and don't beat yourself up.

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answers from Houston on

We ran into this when my niece got preggers at 17. My daughter was much younger and we explained to her that this was not what we expected from her. Our daughter is a smart girl and figured this was not a good idea! I would have a hard time supporting this. I would support my son but I don't think I would be "celebrating" it. To me, this is not a cause for celebration. Its sad. Having a baby should be a joyous event.

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answers from Boston on

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Your son and his girlfriend have no idea how tough the next 18 years of their lives are going to be. If the decision has been made to continue the pregnancy, there is nothing you can do about it. I would try to get the young couple into some counseling and parenting classes, but without the cooperation of your ex and her mother (both of whom are completely clueless), that's going to be tough.

You need to give your son emotional support but not necessarily financial support. He needs to find a job asap and understand that he will be tied to this girl and this baby forever. Every dime of his wages needs to be saved in a special account, not something he can dip into for movie money or dinners out. If he had plans for college, well, I think that's probably out the window. Your ex is going to be stepping up to the plate to help support this child too - and it sounds like the girl's mother was just itching for this to happen, allowing her daughter to sleep over and now being thrilled to have a baby in her house. Sigh. This is on her plate too.

Meantime, your daughter will see how crappy the lives of teen parents are. You need to be very firm with her and protect her future. It's time for a frank talk about sex and obligations and STDs and how babies aren't just cute little fun toys. You can also advocate in the high school for those programs that teach kids about the responsibilities of parenting - they use robotic dolls or other things that cry and fuss at random times and have sensors that record whether or not the teen caretakers responded. That will give you a sense of control over the future and know that you are helping to prevent one other kid from this fate.

I think it's interesting that you got an anonymous call about it. Someone wanted you involved.

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answers from Dallas on

Pray about it and sit down with your son and have him review his life goals from before he was going to be a father and ask him if they have changed now.
If they have, why? why not go on to college, why not do all the things you planned on ,etc. Or if change, does it set him up for future success.
One ill planned pregnancy does not have to derail the course he had set for himself.
Be sure to encourage him and be the parent who helps guide him through this.
Good Luck.

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answers from Tallahassee on

I agree with NY Metro Mom of Teens. It is tough because you don't have any say in it up to now. But now you do. Be positive this baby will need all the help it can get.

On a second note - How can "Her" mother be happy that a child is having a baby? That infuriates me. At least your son has not been arrested. That is a good thing.

Good luck, God has a plan for all of us,maybe this baby is destined for something special in the future.

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answers from Phoenix on

You can't change anything, unfortunately. So, at this point, you just need to be there for your son, and be supportive.

Yes, your ex made a mistake, but at the end of the day, if teens want to have sex, they will find a way, regardless of where it is. I don't really see the need in "rubbing it in his face", that sounds needlessly dramatic & negative. I'm sure he already feels crappy enough without you acting like that.

Time to let it go & plan for your soon to be grandbaby :-)

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