Help from Mother of Toddlers or Once-were-toddlers!

Updated on July 23, 2008
A.F. asks from Naperville, IL
22 answers

My son is 22 months old and has started becoming very bad in public with tantrums! We are talking throwing himself on the ground in the parking lot of Home Depot, screaming his head off in church, etc. Anywhere we go he acts like this. It's easy to control at home because he gets one time out and then doesn't push his limits anymore. I'm not sure what to do. I usually just pick up and leave and try telling him that his behavior isn't good, but I'm not sure what he's retaining at this point. I just feel so embarrassed. Even though, most of the parents that make eye contact with me as I'm carrying a screaming toddler out the door have the look of -"I've been there" and not disgust. Any suggestions would be so helpful!!!

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D.P.

answers from Chicago on

You've gotten some great responses from moms -- here is a response from a former tantrum thrower. When I was young whenever I started to work myself up into a tantrum my mother made me drink -- water, milk, juice, whatever was on hand. The rule was I had to finish the bottle or cup before I could continue crying and I had to drink normally -- no gulping. Her theory, as she told me later, was that you can't throw a tantrum and drink at the same time. It's physically impossible. And usually by the time I finished the drink I had calmed down enough that there was no tantrum or it was greatly reduced.

I don't know if I appreciated all the beverages at the time, but as an adult I have to give my mom props -- this was a pretty clever trick!

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G.H.

answers from Chicago on

As long as he does well at home with 1 time out, keep him there! Tell him he can't go with mommy because he misbehaves. Most children are bored with shopping anyway...there's nothing for them to do but get into trouble. When he's old enough, that's the time to bring him with. You could shop at night if daddy or a grandparent is not available. Kids especially hate "the mall"...don't subject them to them.

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K.M.

answers from Chicago on

Try to put yourself in your child's shoes: He's regularly required (without regard to his preferences) to go to places (that hold very little relevance or fun for him) and if he tries to communicate his frustration (using the best tools he has), he's viewed as bad and in need of control.

This is another human being you have invited to share your life with you. Why not treat him like anyone else you'd invite and include on an outing with you? If your friend hated shoe shopping, wouldn't you limit your time in that department or negotiate with something she really liked in exchange for getting to try on a few pairs? If your husband really hated shopping period, wouldn't you try to find ways that he could avoid it when possible? Or would you say they need to learn that they don't always get what they want and you're doing them a favor teaching them that lesson? Maybe punish them by ignoring them when they share their feelings or not inviting them with you next time? It sounds really ridiculous, doesn't it? And yet that's how the mainstream culture has decided is the best way to deal with children. Treating people in a way that they feel honored and respected is not only the right thing, but when modeled toward them, how chidren learn to treat others that way.

There are unmet needs behind every "bad" behavior and win-win solutions in abundance when you start looking for them. The Natural Child (http://www.naturalchild.org/) website has a ton of great articles and resources for those seeking a more respectful, non-punitive parenting style.

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T.O.

answers from Chicago on

My thought on this is consistency, like other posters. If time-outs work at home then I would also use them in public. I did this with my son and it worked great for us. I would put him in time-out at the store, a restaurant…wherever we were. I occasionally had parents tell me I was, “doing the right thing” for my son when I would discipline him. They would tell me how so many parents just let their kids do what ever they want. He’s now almost 3 and there are times when I ask him if he needs to go in time out when we're out and he almost instantly “shapes up.” It's worth a shot. IT WILL TAKE TIME AND PATIENCE! Not everyone agrees with this idea. I get the "evil eye" from some people when I put him in time-out in public, but it works for me. Good Luck! :O)

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R.R.

answers from Chicago on

A.--

WELCOME TO THE CLUB! :)
I've got two-- a boy who just turned 4 and a girl who'll be 3 next month. My daughter very carefully lays herself down on the floor when we're at home to display her displeasure at my disciplinary efforts, but when we're in public she has started wrenching her hand away from me and planting her feet right where she's standing so she can wail at the top of her lungs and squeeze out big crocodile tears. My son has just started this annoying habit of whining very loudly when he doesn't get his way. Super Nanny says no matter where you are, you can institute a time-out. I know it's not always convenient time-wise, but little ones nowadays have figured out that they won't get punished in public if they act up. Well, now, at church, at the grocery store, wherever, mine still get put in time-out. And it works for me. Try it!

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T.L.

answers from Peoria on

You could try out the 1-2-3 Magic System. It is written by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. I have four children and one of my sons has been diagnosed with ADHD but this system has worked for all of my children. It takes a few weeks to get it implemented into your daily routine, yet is far worth the benefits once the kids understand your terms of discipline. Contact your local library or the school library to see if they have a copy of the book or the video that you can watch for free. The book is the winner of the National Parenting Publications Gold Award. It says that it is effective discipline for children 2-12 years of age. Good luck!

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H.C.

answers from Chicago on

Oh yes, they understand. Mine understood as early as a year (we started time outs at 9 months) and usually just the warning works. I try to avoid his triggers, and if the tantrum is because he wants something or he's frustrated, I'll speak quietly to him and reassure him that I know he's upset. Then I switch to ignoring.

If the tantrum involves throwing or biting or hitting -- or even loud screaming -- something that is meant to get my attention inappropriately, that is an AUTOMATIC time-out in public where he faces the wall sitting while I hold his arms. We get some strange looks, but it usually works.

Just beware of using "leaving the store" without going back in after the tantrum is over. Otherwise, he may start throwing tantrums to get out of situations.

What nutrition and allergies would have to do with normal toddler behavior is beyond me.

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E.P.

answers from Chicago on

Consistency is the key - no matter where you are. 22 months is still young but you can still instill what's wrong and right. You'll just have to keep drilling it in and hoping it sticks soon. My kids know that if the threat ever comes down to it - I will leave a situation and there will be consequences. I left a Target, once in my life, with a full cart of stuff in an aisle, grabbed my daughter's hand (5 yrs) and threw my screaming son (2 yrs) over my shoulder and walked out. The special book and small matchbox car did not get purchased! I was so mad that I had to leave but....boy did it impact my kids! A few words I live by when I am disciplining 1) Be consistent and fair- kids know empty threats. 2) Appreciate when your kids behave, are polite, act mannerly and tell them often. 3) I always enjoyed giving them a little something when running errands - my son loved hot wheel cars and my daughter was easy to please, too - they didn't get their "something" until close to the end of the trip. 4) If they do misbehave, don't ever let them have an audience - if there are people around, it gives their temper tantrum some momentum and 5) when you do threaten with consequences, you don't have to have the punishment figured out, just yet, but if you must act on it, make it creative and let it fit the crime. Good luck!

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S.S.

answers from Chicago on

Hi A., All I can say is that we've been there. My daughter who is now 5 really had some big public blow ups. I don't have any tricks or anything, but I do know sometimes that my daughter - and nieces and nephews all had increased tantrums around the time that they were learning to articulate themselves more verbally. They seemed to get frustrated that they couldn't get their point across. So I did notice that when I worked with my daughter with her language and communication skills, and of course waiting for her to develop them more fully - I noticed a significant decline in tantrums. Hang in there, these too shall pass. S.

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M.C.

answers from Chicago on

I think you are dealing with this very well. My only suggestion is to focus on what triggers these outbursts, is it just being in a busy environment, sensory overload. Then try preparing him by saying we're going shopping and there will be lots of people but I will always be with you. Then focus on him as often as possible, slowing down your shopping to have time to do this. Or does he want something and he can't have it, then just say, "Do you want........." When he says yes, say "No , you may not have that because...." You may have to repeat this dialogue 2 or 3 times. This lets him know that he is communicating his wants to you, so if part of the tantrum is frustration at not being able to communicate, that part is taken care of and he begins to learn he won't get everything he wants.

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L.

answers from Chicago on

Oh yes, I've been there as many of us parents have. Try not to take him with you but if you have to, be sure to have a book or toy or two that are reserved for this "special" time. This will continue for some time but you seem to be doing the correct thing. He will retain it eventually but almost all kids are not capable of reasoning with until they are at least four. My daughter is 5 1/2 and sometimes still can't be reasoned with or (more likely) doesn't want to. It will pass to some degree however. Hang in there!

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J.B.

answers from Chicago on

we have all been there, and i'm sorry!! it is very unnerving to have to deal with a public situation. it sounds like he doesn't want to be at the places he is acting out at. instead of picking up and just leaving restrain him. whether its in your lap, cart, or stroller. i found that leaving never made a bit of difference but making him deal with the place we are at. church is obviously different though, haha!! both my kids tried to push the limits with this behavior and "talking them down" instead of walking out seemed to work the best. i would just tell them that mommy has things to do and you WILL behave. otherwise there is nap time when we get home, or something like that. my kids respond to one word now ENOUGH! and they stop there tantrums. my girl is 6 and my boy is 5. it gets better i promise. best of luck to you!!

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V.O.

answers from Chicago on

A.,

What causes him to start the tantrums?
In many of these situations they are trying to get something from us? (i.e. attention, a toy,candy?)or he maybe trying to communicate something and getting frustrated at not getting through to you...

See if trying to figure out what preceeded the tantrum doesn't provide an answer to at least one or two of the tantrums...

Goodluck

I'm a mother of 5 and they have gone through this for various reason and each one was very different to workout or work through...
V.

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B.A.

answers from Chicago on

The book 1-2-3 Magic has helped me out alot. It's recommended for kids between 2 and 12, but your son is close enough to 2, and if time outs work at home, he does understand what's acceptable and what's not. One thing I did before I read the book was to improvise. When at the grocery store, if there was a need for a time out, we had a time out right there in the store. We have time outs whenever and where ever necessary. Sometimes it might require a time out from the favorite cd in the car, instead of a "normal" time out, but it worked. What I've seen is that as long as you're consistent in what will be accepted and what will not be, they learn very quickly.

Hang in there! He'll learn!!! You WILL be enjoying your son in public soon!

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H.Q.

answers from Chicago on

Have you tried timeout wherever you are? My daughter (33 months) knows that we can always find her a timeout spot... wherever we are! It usually means a bottom shelf or even just a spot on the floor, but it does seem to work. If he already does well improving his behavior with timeouts at home, it might work just to carry on the same "punishment" when you're out. Good luck!

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J.K.

answers from Chicago on

The first thing I would ask - is he doing this because he doesn't want to be in the place you are? If he's doing it at Home Depot or church is he trying to get you to leave to do something more fun? If so, then I would say, do not leave and go home, rather find a spot at the place - even if it's outside - and put him in time out there. When he's done, bring him back in the place, and repeat as necessary. From what you have said, it seems like he may be having control tantrums. Also, if he's throwing himself on the ground in the parking lot - I would pick him up and put him on the sidewalk and then ignore him until he's done tantruming, and then bring him in the store. I have three kids and they all tried the control thing - believe me they know what it takes to get their own way. The first couple of times might be hard, but all parents have gone through it to some extent, and those who haven't ignore. Try not to be embarrassed, even thought it's hard, you are doing the right thing for your son!

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K.R.

answers from Chicago on

Hello! I am a mother of 5 and familiar with the all time embarrassing uncontrollable tantrums and out breaks...

I notice that they have seemed to happen more if I am out during nap time, my children are hungry (like at the library right before lunch), or when they are coming down with some illness/ haven't had enough sleep the night before, or I haven't paid enough attention to them while we have been together. It is very easy to be together and not give them your attention. If I need my children to be good, between the ages of 16 months and 36 months, my husband and I have learned not to take the child where we need perfect behavior...ie. church/ weddings/ even some shopping stores. Most people are understanding, but not all. The best part is that the tantrum season is a season...it won't be forever.

Hugs to you and prayers while you live through it,
KEMR

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M.J.

answers from Chicago on

hi,I am mother of 3 boys/3.5 , 2 and 8 months/.
Middle one gave me the same behavior you are describing.
My opinion is, spunking in the public for right purpose is better for your child then just let it go. My first boy was good after few punishments at home. On second one it just did not worked. If he does not feel the consequences after he had done something wrong, you`re in one circle. Some parent game me good advice/he has 2 boys/. When he misbehave in the public, he needs to know, he can be punish like at home, say:"You want to go to the bathroom with me?"
And I now it sounds cruel. But, as a mother, I believe you love your children. And want hurt them.

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W.P.

answers from Chicago on

I agree with the moms who say look at your schedule and what is triggering it. The best way to deal with this is before it happens. So if he is crabby and about to lose it that is the time to avert the tantrum. In other words, basic needs must be met (sleeping, eating, basic physical comfort, etc.) and are you doing too much that he cannot tolerate for too long? My child at that age could take 1 or 2 errands in the car and then he started to lose it because-guess what? He's a toddler! This all may sound obvious but I am surprised at how often people expect toddlers to be little adults. They aren't, and they are mostly not too verbal either. So they are expressing themselves the only way they know how. Personally I would never expect a toddler to sit quietly through church. When I was growing up they had a nursery and that's where little child were while their parents attended services. I doubt a 22 mo. old can get alot out of a sermon etc. anyway.

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K.B.

answers from Chicago on

ITA, consistancy is the key.

I have had to leave 2 stores in my life, one was Barnes and Noble with my son, who was about 18 months old at the time and he wanted do throw books on the floor. Started his fit, so I picked him up and took him outside the door, where he threw his fit on the sidewalk as to not bother anyone else. I got several amused looks, sort of that BTDT thing, plus some people were glad I'd taken him outside of the nice quiet B&N. He gave it a good couple of minutes (which seemed very long to me) and then we chatted about how that just isn't acceptable in public, blah blah, and we went back in the store where (thankfully) he behaved. Never another tantrum in a store again.

My DD screamed her fool head off in Target and like the other poster, I picked her up, left my full cart, took her brother by the hand, and we left. I believe that she'd been acting up and that I had said we were going to leave and that's what got her to screaming. Again, it only took that one time, and now she knows I mean what I say, so it's been good. (Mind you she will still scream her lungs out if she's mad at home, but that's --hopefully--an age and stage.)

GL

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A.M.

answers from Chicago on

Tantrums are a sign that he is stressed. Look for what the triggers are and try to avoid them. That may mean taking him out less, getting a little more nap/sleep. Most kids that age don't do great in stores and so if you can try to avoid taking him shopping. Obviously, it can't always be avoided. Instead of a time out, when he has a tantrum, give him a hug and a bit of loving. Great book is Smart love by Martha Heineman Pieper and William Pieper.

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R.A.

answers from Chicago on

if it works at home, do it elsewhere! i totally hear you on the embarassment, but one reason the tantrums continue in public is because you're embarassed and he's feeding off of that energy. i say keep picking up and leaving, don't give him any attention until he's done with the tantrum.

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