Help for My Kindergartner

We had a rough few weeks of kindergarten too. After 3 or 4 red notes, I called a meeting with the teacher. I would start there. Involve the counselor too. Use this meeting as a way to brainstorm ways to help him.
With my daughter, we have a behavior chart at home. She only gets a sticker when she has a green day. We moved her bedtime up to 7:30, and I try to stick to protein for breakfast. Hang in there. You are nit alone.

Maybe you could try setting up a contract with him and his teacher to reinforce good behavior. If he goes for a set amount of time without any problems, he can earn something. (When I was a teacher, this helped with some of my students.) This situation is hard! Good luck!! :)

So have you ever had him tested for ADHD or Autism?

"He just explodes sometime because he is a very emotional little boy."

"short tempered."

"But he doesn't do anything to be mean on purpose."

"it's the same thing every day. He had a meltdown in this situation,"

"not only did he run away from his teacher after gym class but a very very shy little girl is now afraid to come to school because my son hit her."

This is your list to take and have him evaluated. He seems to be lacking impulse control. Could be sensory. Could be different things.

You need an answer and diagnosis, so you can help him handle whatever is going on. It is not a bad thing to know what is going on with him.

I am sending you clarity and strength.

How old is he?
Maybe he is not ready for Kindergarten.

Hi L.,

First of all stop feeling frustrated - this has nothing to do with you or 'bad' parenting.

Second - you use the phrase "But he doesn't do anything to be mean on purpose". If you look at what he is doing..... he ABSOLUTELY may be doing these things on purpose. It's called acting out. But he isn't doing them because he's bad. He's not bad at all. He sounds really frustrated. and he isn't doing them because YOU are bad. You aren't bad. But you sound really frustrated too. And when you're both frustrated that's.... well, frustrating!!!!

It seems from your posts (I read your post on potty training) that you have yourself what the 'experts' like to call a 'strong willed' kid. Which means he wants things the way he wants them when he wants them that way? And it seems like you might escalate things by trying HARDER to corral him in a certain way? That's understandable, because you want the behavior to STOP quickly.... but if you don't replace the bad behavior with what you WANT him to do.... he doesn't understand.

Instead of punishing him..... have you told him what he CAN do? Have you validated his feelings of frustration? For example - he lost recess because he didn't finish his work. How did that conversation go? Does it help when you say things like "Mr Teacher told me that you got really upset about not going outside? wow - that must have been really frustrating. You love going to recess. recess is really fun isn't it? It's sad to miss recess when we don't get our work done.... etc etc etc."?
I'll bet he had a meltdown because he felt like nobody (teacher etc) cared that he was upset. That's typically why something escalates. Things get BIGGER when we don't feel heard.

Then - once he feels heard..... give him a solution. "School is for work. How could you have gotten your work done so that you can go outside?" Coach him until he can say - stop drawing or talking or wasting time and do the task.

As far as hitting the girl...... what was his other option? Does he have a "tool box" of behaviors that are safe for him to do when he gets really mad at someone? Teach him to take 3 deep breaths, count to 10, touch all his fingers to his thumb in order etc etc etc.... whatever it takes for him to engage himself in an acceptable behavior when he's mad and not "meltdown".

Also - your timeframe is kinda tight. You said you are feeling really frustrated because you aren't seeing any progress in his behavior. It's only been 3 weeks. And it's escalating because if he doesn't have the tools of what to do when he's angry then he just does more of what he feels like gets him heard.

He's also dealing with being a big brother. has that been frustrating? It sounds like the last couple of years has been frustrating just with potty training? If you know how frustrated YOU are..... imagine how frustrated a 5 year old is!!!!!!!!!!! It sounds like he could use some good old fashioned MOMMY LOVE! Start doing things with him where he can't possibly get into trouble. so that the 2 of you have a great time together and have fun and you can feel LESS frustrated with him in general overall. He will start to feel less frustrated with himself if he knows you aren't frustrated with him.

Good luck.

the difficulty with change/loves routine - impulse control/tantrums when things don't go his way are a little over the top for a 5 year old. i'm not sure bad parenting is the issue here - look into seeing your pediatrician or a developmental pediatrician - i'm wondering if he has some mild sensory issue or is at a VERY high functioning level on the autism spectrum. neither of those things is "bad", but the sooner you get to the root of the issue(s), the sooner you can help him learn to adjust to the routine and express himself more appropriately. good luck!

You may not be doing anything wrong. It doesn't sound like it.
I would consider putting him back in Montessori for a year. You don't want him rejected by all the kids for the next 13 years because he is overwhelmed and acting out. Give him the advantage of gaining confidence and maturity, even if you have to pay.

You are not a bad mom.

Have you gotten the ED/BD teacher involved?
She can help with ideas with anger management at school and transition times.
Start a positive reward approach. We used chocolate milk. If my son got a smiley he got chocolate milk for dinner.
Do not punish for wetting his pants. My oldest had accidents until he was 12. Teach him how to clean himself up and say your are disappointed he didn't make it to the bathroom.
Make sure you are consistent with his discipline.
Take out all his toys from his room, leave a few, Legos, books, trucks, his absolute favorites.
Give him positive attention, books at night, ice cream on Fridays, trips to the park on the weekends.
Take out the preservatives from his diet. No soda,
Have him apppologize to the little girl, he can make a card or bring flowers. My son had to get the little girl a flower after he hit at school. He is 22 and still remembers getting her that flower.
Have the teacher let him stand at his desk

If you have him diagnosed and he comes back ADD/CD/ODD on the sectrum, do not despair. As soon as he has any of these the schools will jump through hoops to help him.

Consistency must be maintained throughout high school.

Take a deep breath. It is nothing you did. He sounds very much like my son. Love him but be strong. You need to be.

I second S.H...your bio says he's four but I don't know if/when he turned five. He may not be ready!

I hope no one uses this as an excuse to beat up on you. I think we are all out here doing the best for our kids. You recognize that there is a problem. Yes, many children have difficulty adjusting to new situations and need time to acclimate. Many kids have potty training struggles. This case seems a little extreme. I don't know your child's history or your parenting style, so it's hard to comment too much.

I think my first course of action would be with the pediatrician. See what advice, treatment, services or resources they have to offer.

My next step would be a conference at school. Not just one with the teacher...get a counselor and an administrator involved. Ask for their guidance and advice. Come up with a team plan that everyone can work with.

This may mean considering some options that you may not have considered before.

This was my kid in preschool last year. My first question to the teacher would be how was the behavior handled? What was the immediate response?
When I finally thought to ask this question I found out the answer in the teacher's mind was "well I should not have to!" basically she did next to nothing and she was expecting me to handle the problem hours after the fact, when his memory of the incident had faded!
If you don't get a satisfactory answer ask for a meeting to form a plan for working together to deal with the behavior.

You ask the teacher how he is doing, now go one step more and ask her what strategies she suggests for helping his behavior. Make an appointment with the principal of the school and ask him what you and they can do together to make school a successful and happy place for your boy and all the kids.
Perhaps a different teacher would be a better fit for your son. Not that his current teacher is a bad teacher, but personalities clash (and it sounds like your son and his teacher got off to a really bad start and may have issues all year). It's ok to ask for a different teacher. Because there is a girl in his class that is afraid to come to school because of your son's behavior, switching classes may be the best thing for both of them.
Your parenting isn't bad, because I am sure you are trying to do what you know how. However, what you know how to do doesn't fit what your child needs, so it's time for some different strategies. You say your son is "a sweet little boy" and you SHOULD say that because you are his mom. But try to take a step back and see your child the way the teacher, other parents, and other kids see him. He's very active -- does he have problems paying attention and sitting still in class when it is necessary? He hates change -- does he need warnings and cues and extra time in order to change from one activity to the next? (this is pretty hard to do in a classroom, the teacher has her hands full managing all the kids) He loves routine -- Does he just need some help recognizing the routines in class so he can see them and use them to help? He's also short tempered -- Which really means that he doesn't know how to manage his emotions to get along in society. That's ok, he's 5, not 25. But now is the time to take some steps to help him learn those skills. Look for methods of working with emotions that are different from how you have been doing it so that you find something that works for HIM, and not just something that comes easily to you. You say he doesn't do anything to be mean on purpose -- and you should defend your son this way. However, in my son's class last year there was a boy that his parents thought the same of and I know he did things on purpose. I watched him do stuff on purpose to see if he could get away with it. That isn't evil behavior, it means nothing about the child's parents, it just means that he is testing boundaries, trying to really understand what is acceptable. This year he is in my son's class again, but it is a smaller class. Which means the teacher is always paying attention and he can't get away with anything, and his behavior is better.
Please understand that none of this is a reflection on your parenting skills. It is quite possible that the way you naturally parent would work beautifully on a less emotional, less active child. But the fact is, that you don't have one of those and so you need to grow in your parenting skills to make sure you are what he needs.
Good luck to you!! I hope you can find the solutions that will best help him and you.

Get input immediately from the school counselor or psychologist. You need some intervention in the event your son needs some form of help. This is in NO WAY your fault. In fact, it is the school's responsibility to identify kids that might need a bit of extra help. Especially in kindergarten. Contact the principal and ask for an evaluation report (paid for by the school) to see if he might have some special needs too. Be his advocate!

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I really don't have any different solutions; you have gotten some very good responses from moms and teachers who have been there (I love the apology idea!!). I just wanted to throw encouragement your way. It is miserable to feel like you are failing as a parent. The fact that you are seeking advice puts you far and away above many parents. I teach high school.....so I know about apathetic parenting. Smile....love your children....keep working to hold them accountable, but help them make good choices, and stand up for them when institutions aren't doing their part. Hope your year gets better!!

Don't even think it's bad parenting! I have already received two personal phone calls from my daughter's kindergarten teacher, and she has received 'red' (alarm - alarm!) marks for her behavior. She has been in daycare since she was 9 weeks old, and was in Montessori from 18 months until last June, so it's not like she isn't used to some type of school.

Perhaps it's just the transition/structure of a 'big' school. I keep having to talk to my daughter about good choices, and what privileges to take away (nothing major - maybe not playing her favorite song on the way to school, and I have told her that I'm disappointed when her teacher calls me). Don't take it as a reflection on parenting! It is still a period of adjustment. For all of us! Take care - I'm right there with ya....

You didn't say whether or not you are in public school. However it sounds like there is a lot of frustration in your little guy and he might benefit from seeing the school psychologist. My daughter is very emotionally intense. She has been to OT to give her resources on how to handle it. I feel for you that you have nothing left but to take privileges away. This is cause more outburst and frustration as he sounds like he's having impulse control issues (i.e. doesn't want to do it but can't help himself). I've been there. Work with your school to get him some services that will give him resources to handle his "outbursts." If you are in private school, look outside the school for help. This negative school experience isn't doing anyone any good (including you).

Why not add a bit more structure at home, as well as set up some restraints such as a time for him to sit quietly, and if he cannot then offer him a consequence such as a 5 minute time out.

Also teach him about inside and outside voices--inside is lower, while outside he can holler, laugh loudly etc. You little has been your love and it sounds as if he has free reign within the home----now is the time to set limits, discuss rights and wrongs, to act like a big boy for he is no longer a baby and should not be treated as such. Discipline and limit setting helps children learn how to take responsibility for thier own actions---even at 5.

Also it may be a good idea to set up some playdates whereby he learns about giveing and taking, right and wrong. Disiplining a potty accident if it was an accident may be going over baord. But if it happens regularly ask him if he wants to go back to diapers like a baby or go to the bathroom like a big boy does. The result may be more positive than thought!

Updated

Which ever one of you who suggested a Psychologist needs to get a better grip on life, children and raising children. A shrink is not always the answer especially for a little guy beginning school.

Oh my lord what an awful controlling and lack of responsibility response and I am saying this as a trained Psychologist! Get a life and please come back to reality not everyone needs a shrink, yet your own insecurities illsurate that you may be in need!

Being an elementary teacher I feel from your report that your son's teacher has given up on him and is really not trying. That being said, I think you should do 2 things. 1st try to make it to his school and sit in the background and watch the interaction between your son and his teacher. Does she have a window or something you can look through, otherwise, tell her that you are wanting to watch his behavior and just sit in the back of the room. After a little while both will forget you are there. Do not interact with your son and when he does have his bad behavior don't interrupt the teacher. This way you can figure out how they interact. 2nd if it is not conducive for him then ask to have him moved to another kindergarten class. There are all kinds of teachers as there are all kinds of kids and some personalities just don't mesh with each other and so I wouldn't feel bad to have him switched into a different class.

You got GREAT suggestions. I second some of them:
1. Meet with the teacher and/or other specialists in the school about it. Did he do any kind of kindergarten readiness test? How did he do on it? When was his 5th bday? Is he on the young side for kindergarten? Should he go back to a pre-school setting which may be easier on him and you and the school?
2. DO NOT punish for potty issues. Put him in pull-ups if there is an issue. Yes I know he is too old. But it is what it is. Get advice from an expert like your ped on this. But NO punishing for this.
3. Personally, call the mom of the little girl he hit. Apologize. Maybe you and your son could write her a card apologizing and drop it off at her house. This will help you feel better about this. I have 2 daughters, I would be very upset if a boy was hitting them in school.
4. Some great advice my MIL gave me who is an early childhood expert was "If you want to change one of their behaviors, change one of yours." Very workable for me.
See if you can do something to really help him be his sweet self, like doing nice one on one mommy and son things, reading, art, or going for a walk together.
Is he eating a good breakfast before school? Going to bed early enough? My girls were going to bed around 8:00 or 8:30 pm and now that we're having to be on the bus by 8:00 am, we're going to sleep at 7:30 or 7:45 pm latest. They are exhausted!
Good luck! You are not a bad parent, he is not a bad child! This too shall pass!

I think nearly every parent has this happen at one point or with one child through the schooling years. Don't, at all, think you are alone. My first child I was always worried about how my son was not behaving perfectly....then I grow up and I had more kids.
My advice is a little different approach and I've started this with my daughter this year (1st grade). Each evening just she and I talk about the day's events and how she felt about things. The first few times she didn't talk about anything but surface stuff but now she is really telling me her deepest fears, insecurities and worries. Things that happen at school that make your child feel dumb, embarrassed etc. are the things that really matter to them. Wow, how much I had forgotten how scary the world is to a small person. This may or may not help (I'd assume it will over time). Your little guy will know you’re in his corner. Right now he's hearing over and over from everyone, every day that he's a '*&^$# up' and to shape up. Asking him how he feels about his mistakes or worries will do wonders for his self-esteem. One really, really important part of this, don’t judge, criticize or tell how to solve a worry or problem. Over time he will probably ask your advice or you can give suggestions but at the get go your just a listener of your child’s worries.