Help for College Age Daughter

I have an 18 year old daughter who is very self-sufficient. I have never had any issues with her but we sat down and had a talk concerning respect. I told her that as long as she lives at home she will have to follow my rules or get another place to live.

I'm a high school teacher and a mom. Please excuse my tough love approach. Don't take it personally. (1) She's 20. Technically she's an adult. You should start treating her as an adult. It's time to cut the umbilical cord. I think parents shelter their children too much these days. You are not doing her any favors by doing this. (2) Kick her out of the nest. You can do this by either insisting that she get her own place, or if she's going to live with you --- she needs to pay her fair share and pick up some responsibilities --- like a roommate would. (3) There's a quote that I like. It's not verbatim but it's something like --- give your children roots and then give them wings. You have to trust that you've done a good job raising her and that she'll make good decisions on her own. (4) I think an 11:00 curfew is unreasonable for a 20-yr-old. I think setting a curfew at all is unreasonable for a 20-yr-old. For a high school student and younger --- yes --- but not for a college student. I think it's fair to ask her to show common courtesy. Let you know where she's going to be. Check in by cell phone. Don't wake you up if she comes in late --- Or --- wake you up so that you know that she's home safe. (5)Don't forget what it's like to be young. What were you doing when you were in college and/or when you were her age? Good for her if she's having fun. She's learning from her experiences. (6)One thing I agree with you on being concerned about is the debt. I would take her to a financial adviser to counsel her on her spending habits. This is a life-long skill that she needs to have. She probably isn't going to listen to you but she might listen to an "expert". (7)I can only imagine how difficult it is to let go of your child. I talk tough, but I'm sure I'll struggle with my own children when they reach that age. It's evident that you care about your daughter. (8)Look at the bright side... she's in college, she gets decent grades, and she has a part-time job. Pat yourself on the back for that. Staying out late and being irresponsible with money is normal. She could do worse.

M., it sounds like it is time for your daughter to get off the gravy train and make a life for herself. You have simple rules, and they are not too much to ask. Time for her to move out and pay her own bills. She can make the choice: 1. Stay at home and abide by your rules or 2. Move out and make her own rules. It's really pretty straightforward. I would try to take the emotion out of the discussion. Just let her know what the options are and let her choose.

We have older kids as well as younger and had this same problem! We sat down with our college kids and laid it out - "This is the rule if you are living in our home. If you prefer to find another place to live, and can afford it, then by all means.... However, while you are here, you need to have respect and courtesy for the others living in this house."

Plain and simple. If it isn't followed, be prepared to enforce the consequences and set a date for them to move out. It's not easy - but it's necessary.

Good luck and God Bless-
C.

You lay down the rules, very clearly. Very, very clearly. "When you live under my roof, and I am financially responsible for you, you will live by my rules. If you are not willing to live by my rules, then I will ask you to go live elsewhere, where you can be an adult and take responsiblity for your own life. If you do X, Y, or Z, which are against the rules, I will give you 3 weeks, until Sept. 17, to find a new living situaton." And then you put her stuff outside and change the locks.

She will not take you seriously. You will ask her to leave. You will stop paying for college. She may even move in with the boyfriend, get pregnant, and ruin her future. But if she is not forced to take responsibility today, she will have this exact same problem 10 years from now.

My mother did not force my brothers to take responsibility as teenagers. Now they are 45 and 51, and never progressed. They skate by. You know many other people whose siblings are exactly like that. Forcing her to grow up will be painful for you, but the alternative will be painful for her, forever.

I know that you already know all this stuff, M.. And I'm sorry that you're going through this. My oldest is 13. I realize that I may also go through this one day. Dr. Laura counsels people on this topic, and she has encouraged me to be brave enough to face it when it becomes necessary. I wish you well, and I hope that your initial "rules" conservation is well-received. Blessings to you.

My thoughts are if she is 20 she is an adult & should be treated as such. Does she wake you up when she comes home? If yes ask her to be respectful of you and be quiet. Does she not help you out? Pay a few bills? Occasionally buy food for everyone? If yes I do not understand your delimma. If she is a good gal then there should not be a problem with her coming home whenever she wants to. If she is not respectful or helpful then you need to ask her to find her own place. But I do not feel as a 20 year old that she should NOT be told to come home at anytime you set (a courtesy call when she plans to be home is a nice thought though). And as far as her debt that is a burden she will carry not you.

Basically she is an adult & should be treated as such. If she does something that ruins that then she shouldn't be living in your home creating chaos. G

My parents had a few simple rules when I was living at home and in college as well. They needed to know where I was and they wanted me home by midnight unless I told them otherwise. They were quite respectful of the fact that I was over the age of 18 and let me have a lot of grown up privileges. The only reason for the cerfew was so they didn't worry. I certainly was able to stay out or overnight as long as I let them know.

That being said, when I met my husband at 19, I started staying at his house since it was only about 20 minutes from school (we lived 45 minutes from the school). After a few months of staying over there 3 to 5 nights a week, my mother set me down and told me that I needed to decide where I wanted to live. She also said that whatever decision I made I needed to own up to it and do it. She also gave me the option to stay at home but would be required to pay rent since I wanted to live like I was an adult. I thought about it for a couple of days and ultimately moved in with my future husband and never looked back.

My mom and I sat in the car port of my new town home and cried and cried about the fact that I wasn't living at home anymore. It was a very hard time and decision for both of us. The great thing about it though is my mother used this opportunity to teach me to make decisions for myself and that were respectful of her and my dad.

Today I am almost 40 still with the same guy and would move back home in heartbeat because I love and respect my parents so much. I consider myself lucky to have had the direction they gave me and think I am a better person for it.

In short, give your daughter a choice that works for you and teaches her to be respectful of life. You won't regret it.

Good luck

I think you need to let her discover life for herself. She's one year away from graduation, she shouldn't have a curfew and is old enough to make her own decisions about finances and night time activities. Let her stay out late, and ask that she respect your sleep be coming in quietly, maybe sleeping in another room or something so she doesn't disturb you once you've gone to bed. And if you can't work it out, maybe she can find an apartment and a roommate.

sit her down for a frank talk about the money--show her how interest rates compound DAILY and show her what a cup of coffee, or a movie ticket will cost carrying it's balance over the course of a year, two years etc. help her see that when she buys it she's making a commitment to pay MORE for what she is getting.
once she's got that info really you will have to step back and let her screw up if she is going to. make it clear that you will not pay off the bill for her, if you are a co-signer get rid of the card. make her open her own. don't take responsibility for her debt. it might make her angry but it's how life really is.
as far as where she is staying if you aren't okay with it you do have every right to let her know what your house rules are.
if the concern is how late she is out she can choose to stay elsewhere if she is going to be late.
if your concern is you don't know where she is she can check in to let you know
she's choosing to maintain a child relationship by living at home so she can take with it the fact that parents worry, they will always worry and if she doesn't want that daily worry she can find other living arrangements.
you set the boundaries you need for your home and then she can choose to stay or not.
I know a lot of parents are afraid if they set boundaries that their kids won't like that the kid will move out and they don't really want them too because they know they are growing up--etc. well the truth is eventually all kids leave home. we did. our kids will too and ultimately teaching them to respect others, and that life has boundaries helps prepare them to be better adults.
the other 2 moms both said it, set your boundaries and expect them to be followed or follow through on the consequences.

Congratulations on a daughter who is doing well in college and working part time! I was the daughter you mention, at least the part about not wanting the curfew. My issue was just a lack of wanting responsibilities and restrictions. If curfew is only on Sun. night, that seems more than reasonable. Maybe you can have a discussion with her to find out what she's doing and find out if she's happy with life in general. That might help identify why she is spending so much time away and not respecting your curfew. Also, maybe you could make Sun. evening a family night, having dinner as a family and doing something fun at home that will keep her interest?

It's time to loosen the reins. She's an adult now and a curfew does no good and even causes problems. She should maybe pay part of her tuition and fees if she's spending recklessly in the summer.

As the one-time living at home, 18 YO college freshman who got decent grades & worked part time I can tell you that the last thing I wanted was to be home by 11pm. I renegotiated my curfew (my parents didn't own businesses & my dad could sleep through my coming home-he was the earlier riser of the 2)-don't remember what it was, I'm not 18 anymore lol I didn't spend nights at my boyfriend's house though, because I knew my parents wouldn't go for it & I respected that (their house, their rules). The debt-yup, been there, done that too. Had to hire an attorney & file for bankruptcy at 22.
I followed most of my parents' rules. I renegotiated when I felt they were being not as reasonable as I liked (curfew really was it). I knew if I didn't want to follow the rules, I had to get out.
If she wants to make her own rules, but still live in your house, that doesn't seem too fair to me. Either she respects that she's got free room & board & food available whenever (I'm assuming she's not paying rent & that you have a fridge & pantry) & adheres to the responsibilties that go along w/those privileges or she finds her own place. There are either dorms or off-campus apartments (if it's not a commuter college & it doesn't have dorms, they've got an arrangement w/a close by apt complex or two for better rates for students) she can move to. Remind her of the rules & bring her home an apt hunting guide. Tough love-follow the rules or go someplace else where you make the rules.
As for the debt (mine was ex-boyfriend & car accident-related), my parents helped me out more than once. It was always w/a bank loan that I made full payments on-through direct deposit or ACH payments (went from my acct straight to the loan). They never gave me cash & I always knew the loans had to be paid back. Sounds like she's not responsible enough to pay it back though, so you'd get stuck covering it. She's 20 & a big girl If she wants to make her own choices, let her. In her own space.
Good luck!!
(fyi, I'm now 32, never filed bankruptcy again or got in money trouble I couldn't bail myself out of & I called my mom a few years ago to tell her she was right)

I agree witht the tough love approach!! Good luck and god bless!!

I used to be your daughter and the stricter my parents were the more I rebelled. Luckily, my Mom realized this and decided to let me learn my own lessons. Within a year of her letting go of the reins (I was 18), I had tired of partying (been there, done that) and really focused on school. I no longer wanted to party like my friends did. I got great grades and went on to get a master's degree. On the other hand, my best friend's parents continued to be strict, she rebelled even more, and she flunked out of college. She ended up having a child via an affair with a married co-worker, developed a drug addiction, and is now a single Mom. She eventually got her act together but I still blame her strict parents to this day. They never gave her freedom when she was young so she never learned responsibility. She had to gain her freedom in negative ways. Children are supposed to separate from their parents, especially at 20. Your daughter honestly doesn't sound that bad to me. But I do understand your desire for sleep. So I suggest that you kick her out of the house. Once she learns how un-fun paying rent and other bills can be without parents' help, she will become more responsible. It will be hard for you to be firm and you will want to help her out when she needs money, but don't do it. That would be hurting her in the long run.

Hi M.,

I'm a little old-fashioned when it comes to this ... you live in my house, you abide by my rules. I have three girls 17, 15, and almost 13. The oldest is a senior this year and we're looking at colleges. They all know that if they ever start to "play house" with a boyfriend, consider it permanent. If they want all the privileges of an adult life, they can accept all the responsibilty that goes with it. If I ask you to be home by 11 on Sunday, you do it. I think that is very reasonable for a Sunday evening ... Monday is hard enough. She has to be at class on time and at work on time so there's no reason she can't respect that curfew. As far as the debt goes, see if you can get her to read some good books on finances. My oldest will be doing an indepedent study this year on personal finance for that very reason. Try The Millionare Next Door, Living Debt Free, etc.

Best wishes!
L.