Help and Advice on Discipline and Behavior for My 3 Yr Old Son

I think 3 years old has to be the BIG toddler challenge for us parents. I too have a 3 yr. old little boy who is for the most part a fantastic little guy but at times has his slip ups. My advice for you is hang in there. I have talked to SOO many other parents and doctors who have advised me that 3 years old is EXTREMELY challenging. I bought my son a "responsibilty chart" from Target and gave him jobs and when he had a good week he was rewarded. This worked for a while. YOu might want to try it. Hang in there

my 3 year old, now almost 4, has similar emotional reactions to visits with her dad. i find that talking to her about how i can understand her frustrations and missing hem when she doesn't see him helps her alot. it encourages her to share. just asking doesn't work for us bcause they often don't know what is bugging them, just that they are uncomfortable. you can lead them alittle adn ask "are you missing dad?"... also i use a points reward system with her for good behavior reinforcement. i made a chart and divided the day up into meals, naps, play time, clean up, etc. if she doesn't whine and does as i ask she gets a smile. tantrum or rude = frown. and so so = a hm face. we do stickers now, but have used marbles too, so she can see the results of her actions. she gets to put a sticker on the smiles at the end of the day and i tell her how much i appreciate her good behavior. the frowns actually take away one of her smile points, so she sees how her bad behavior affected her day. the hm gets nothing, but she is incouraged to improve there the next day. if she earns enough points by the end of the week, she gets a reward- she likes fake tattoos because she can see them for awhile and show off how good she was- pride. this doesn't garantee a perfect kid, but it helps her to see how her actions affect me and she gets possitive input. hope the dad can learn to litsen and cooperate more. that does make it hard. my daughter is always worst right befor and after visits. good luck.

Hey girl, your story is so sweet. I feel the same about my Rubi. She saved me. I'm 100% opposite from where I was b4 she came. I tell you what truly has picked me up and continued to carry me was finding my spiritual side in church. I intially went to church just to get my baby involved with good people and give her good examples etc. I got more than I new possible. I found something I had been missing(and wasn't looking for). Life is so full now. I know that one decision to try God has forever changed and enriched our lives so much.
Unfortunately you can't change what is going on when he's not with you. I think the best thing is to do what you already do, love him unconditionally. There is a special bond between a mother and her son that you alone will always have and nothing will ever change that.
God Bless your situation.

Hey R.,

I was in a very similar situation, also a single mother since my sons were 2 and 4 (now 12 and 14), but my ex has never had a significant other. The boys would always act different when coming back from their dads which was actually ever other week. My advice would be to discuss how their time went with their dad, good things and bad things and kind of find out in what ways they were reprimanded, how that made them feel, etc. Then after a while or the next day, remind them of what mom's rules were. I also had a chart of small chores for them to do like homework, fixing their bed so they would actually get rewarded for cooperating and if they don't listen, I would take away some of their rewards. It kind of worked, but moreso it got them accustomed to having 2 ways. It's difficult and very trying and I found myself crying and blaming myself for the way things were. Don't do this. It is what it is and keeping your mind straight and not letting it drive your crazy will eventually make your child feel that you are in charge of you and your lives. Hope this helps... best of luck to you, you will make it through...

I'd be really concerned about the behavior change. As you are indicating, your son is clearly reacting to something that occurs in your ex's care. I'm not entirely sure that the term "mommy" is the problem. Sounds to me like your ex has a very different parenting style, possibly less structure than you provide and so your son is thrown off by his time there. Whatever structure you are putting in place is being undone by your ex and during those first 3 days back with you has to be re-established.

I think that the only real solution here is that you and your ex need to find a way to work together on a discipline plan. If you and your ex have as much trouble communicating as is indicated in your letter I would seek a third party to help integrate this plan between the two of you. In fact there's a really great behavior modification specialist in Sonoma County, Lorena Porfido, who might want to contact. I used to work with her. She's the best. I believe her email is ____@____.com might be especially useful if your ex is non-cooperative because she'll be able to help you create a discipline plan to circumvent some of the fallout from whatever lack of structure your ex is creating.

I have a 3 year old and about a year ago, he started to throw tantrums or just "be bad". I read an article somewhere and followed the advice and I have never had any problems since then! The article advised hugging the child until he calmed down. Now I do this whenever he is exhibiting negative behavior for no apparent reason. It seemed to me that he was acting out, because he was craving any attention, negative attention included. So it wasn't so much him wanting to be bad, but him wanting some attention from me. For instance, he started throwing playdough across the room after he was quietly playing. I had not been paying too much attention to him and my attempts to tell him to stop simply escalated the situation. So I took him into my arms and held him for about 3 minutes. He totally calmed down, changed his attitude and once again became the sweet boy I know. Maybe your boy is feeling confused and lonely after he returns from his dad's house and is acting out, because he is trying to get extra attention from you. See if hugging or holding him during these episodes helps to curve that sort of negative behavior. If you say he is normally sweet, then I am sure it is him feeling conflicted and not knowing how to deal with his emotions very well. Instead of fighting him, just hold him and reassure him that you are there for him. I hope this works for you like it works for me!
Best of luck!
A.

When my step-daughter (we have custody) visited her mom every other weekend, we encountered the same thing. As a toddler (3-5 yrs old) she would come back rude, sassy, violent, you name it. As she got older the behavior changed to fit her age group (moody, talked back ). My husband and I called it her "detox time". It usually took about three days and then she was fine. She is seventeen and still comes back moody, but we have made it clear to her about the whole respect for your parent thing. She told us she hated going back and forth, not having her things in one house, the pull and tug she felt between homes. Divorce/seperation is h*** o* kids. They have confusion about loyalty and different rules. We are asking small children to deal with adult emotions and they are not going to handle it well. All I can advise is be stable and consistent for him. Give him his space when he gets home, love him and try to involve him with quiet time with you to adjust. It will always be hard for him, but if you make the transition for him easier, it will not be as h*** o* either of you. You are not the only one experiencing this. Remember, a title is a title, but your little boy knows who his mommy is. Best of luck.

I would totally pray. I have hit some bumps also and things that go on with the father reflect in the son. Ask God to show you a new perspective and give you greater insight to what is going on. Then listen and give it to God. He made your son and knows him what he needs right now.
God I pray for R. right now and I ask for an abundance of grace and mercy. God give her wisdom when responding to her son. Show her what he needs in this difficult time. I pray you would cover their home with peace and guidence. Pour your love into this little boy and his mommy. Thank you for providing for them and I ask that you would bind them to the plans that you have ordained for their lives. Amen.
I hope you try this even if we don't believe the same. I totally works for me and my family :)
Rach

I am sorry to say that as they get older this situation does not get any easier in fact it becomes more difficult. You have to remember that he is just 3 having a conversation with a three year old does not work. Be strong and lay foundation rules at your home for his behavior. Never demean or discuss the other parent in front or with your child this will not help your situation. Once your rules and guidelines are in place just remind your son that he is at mom's house and these are the rules,/expectations. You will have a lifetime of this. I remcommend the book "Mom's house, Dad's house" There is also a really good book out there called "All About Boys." I speak from experience, your core discipline starts now, be strong and don't give in!!!! This is hard and can be painful at times but it will be a lifesaver later when he is in his preteens and teenage years.

Hi R.... I too was a single mom for the first 4 1/2yrs. of my sons life. I'm now married and have 3 boys (9yrs, 5yrs and 3yrs). I don't know the situation with his father, but what I learned with my first as a single parent I have carried on with raising my others. I am sure you have tried talking to his father, and I take it that he is no help? My suggestion to you is to then focus on what you can control... when he is with you. Some of these things may seem ovious, but none the same... I have found that being consistent is a must(ALWAYS). This action (good or bad) will result in this reaction(good or bad). My boys, even at age 3, know that there is always a choice. Good choices are praised and sometimes rewarded. Bad choices are diciplined, and sometimes punished. The most important thing is that good = good and bad = unpleasent ALWAYS, EVEN WHEN it may be easier to give in. I always let my boys know how special they are and how much I love them. This is even more important after having diciplined them. I explain that I know they are good boys, but that they were acting naughty. I ask them why and wait for an answer. If they don't answer I prob them (are you sad? why?, are you angry? why? etc.) I make them give me eye contact. I then ask them if they are happy when they act naughty and get in trouble. I explain that it makes me sad when he is naughty, and that we like to be happy, and that WE need to work on that. The whole time while I am trying to talk to them about it I try to use a soft, voice but NO baby talk. It may seem like alot of talking, but after awhile you'll find that you don't have to decipline as much and as often. Having a daily routin makes for happier kids too. His dad may not give this to him, and he may have fun over there, but if he knows what to expect he will be happier and feel more comfortable and safier at your home. Think about making a routin for when he comes back from his dads. (dinner, bath, read him books?) As an example, my 3yr. old knows that he gets to watch T.V. in the morning, and in the afternoon he plays outside, with toys etc. However, if I need to run around town one morning, I will let him know this before hand (at breakfast, or the night before if we have to leave earlier). If there is going to be any crying or arguing, it will happen then, before you need to go (which makes everyone happier). Little things like that can sometimes cause blow ups that are unfounded other than that it is out of the norm. Informing them that there will be a change before it happens gives them comfort and trust. Things won't change right away, but stick with it. I'm sure you are doing your best... keep it up:o) It will pay off. He will look to you as his rock and what gounds him. At the sametime he will know at you are his soft spot to land when life gets tough. Sorry it is soooo long. I just love my kids so much, and I know how hard it is to be a single mom. Good luck !!

R.-
Hi there, I just saw this and my heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are doing the best you can. I have twin 4 yr.old boys and they still have their little tantrums here and there so I know about the dead weigh thing and screaming etc. but sometimesm you have to stick to your guns about discipline. We do it because we love them and care. I would maybe tell your ex that you need to have a talk with him regarding this and try to include the girlfriend if she's going to be around yoour son. Good luck!
C.

Hi- Sorry yo're going thru such a tough time. Three was hard for us w/our first son who is now 7yrs. But you have the 2 households added which makes it harder. Like all have said, you can't control what goes on at Daddy's house but can at your's. As all have said, be consistent so he knows what is expected of him at your house but maybe also tell him you expect him to behave just as well at his dad's. I like one mom's idea of keeping a journal of how he acts out for the firts fe days he's home. I also think counseling might help him deal w/the tranistion during this rough time. It might help him to have an objective outsider he can talk to & know that person won't be hurt by anythig he says. I also suggest you bring up the business of calling the new g-friend mommy. Try not to make it personal to your ex or say how it hurts you but that it confuses your son & what happens if/when that other 'mommy' isn't in the picture. But at the same time, empower your son to speak up for himself & tell this 'mommy' that he doesn't want to call her that. Maybe in a few months, you could also sit down w/your ex & explain how difficult your son is once he's home from his dad's & ask him to help make that a smoother tranistion. Maybe start off explaining your son's behaviour & then ask him for some insight why he thinks your son is behaving this way & solicit his help. Hope this helps & good luck!

I don't pretend to have all the answers but I do feel for you. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said he is just acting out. There are probably two very different lifestyles that he is adjusting to when he goes back and forth between you and dad. The expectations, routines, and procedures are probably very different and it can be confusing to him to have to constantly adapt and change based on where he's at. If he gets his way at one home more than the other he is probably lashing out when he has to come back to a more structured, consistent routine. My advice is to do your best to make sure that when he's with you keep routines, procedures, and structures as consistent, fair, and firm as possible. You can't control circumstances when he's with Dad, but make it clear that when he's with you he's knows exactly what is okay and not okay in terms of behavior. If he acts up, give him a fair warning and then if he doesn't respond appropriately make the consequence, swift, firm, and logical. Do your best to be patient with any less than ideal circumstances. Let's face it...you have him for the "work" part of the wek and dad has him for the "fun" part of the week. That is definitely going to affect parenting styles. I hope this advice helps. Good luck...and may the force be with you (:

May I suggest that you seek counseling, not just for your son but the whole family, including your ex and the new girlfriend. The problem may not be simply a matter of different rules at different houses. My children had the same problem for a while, counseling helped. They had to learn how to express their anger and fustration over not having their parents together. The fact that he is forced to call another woman "Mommy" is also probably a big cause of the acting out.
Good luck, my prayers are with you.

If your child did not go to his father's home would his behavior be better? This is a tough situation. I have a friend who is experiencing this similar problem. My heart goes out to you. Maybe there's some parenting books, regarding this topic that could help you. Perhaps child counseling might help? Above all else, keep on trying to communicate with your son. Hang in there.

I cannot pretend to know what you're going through, but I have a close friend that has a very trying time with her daughter. Upon talking to her therapist about it, this book was recommended to her:
http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081...

How to talk so kids will listen is a wonderful resource. It's very short to read and it has helped me counter the beginnings of a melt down before it happens. I actually practiced some of the skills on my husband and it works on him too :D

Good luck!

I am also a single mom and my son is now 6. Let me start by saying keep up the could work, your love and concern come through and I know you are doing the best you can.

That said 2 1/2 years ago my son started acting out in similar ways after a long distance move. The most important thing is consistancy, if he makes a poor choice, there has to be a consequence. And keep talking to him, help him to understand his feelings. He may be confused: different rules and levels of attention in the 2 different houses. You can't control the ex and what goes on, so work with your son. Say things like "if I were you, I'd be feel confused/frustrated about the 2 houses/set of rules", help him articulate. And I know this is silly but look for kids picture books on this . . .I think I remember one called At Daddy's on Sunday. It helps kids to see their family isn't really so different.

I also remember 3 just really being a time when my son was testing his limits and trying to learn who he was. There was no terrible 2's, in our house it was terrible, awful, crazy 3! Just take a deep breath, stay level-headed and help him to re-discover that great kid you know he really is again!

Wow, you sure have a full plate. When my now 7, ultra sweet, daughter was three she was a beast. I have twins and three was, without doubt, the hardest age for me yet! It seems that your son's behavior is more pronounced after a visit to his dad's and there could be many reasons for that, none of which I can speculate on.

There is a series of books writen back in the 70's but quit timeless when it comes to children. They are always titled based on age: 'Your 1 year old', your 2 year old' etc... they also have funny added titles. I think the one on 3 year old was 'Your 3 year old- friend or foe' or something like that. These books have helped save my sanity when my children hit certain tough stages. I know you are busy and really enjoy spending your free time with your son but try to squeeze in some time to read the one about 3 year olds, it might help. They are very short books.

Anyway, they are sold at Barnes and Noble and I'm sure on line. I found all mine at the local library. You wont get much advice on behavior modification but you will read that your child is normal and not some crazy beast child.

If you keep raising him with the love and concern you and your mom are showing he will be just fine.

HANG IN THERE!!!

This may help. www.handinhandparenting.org

Single mom here of a nearly 4 year old. I can relate a little to your story. The evening my son comes home from his dad's weekend is always a pain. Same thing when he comes home after a visit with his dad's parents....

Young children have difficulty with change. Your son is going to have to eventually learn that the rules at daddy's house and the rules at mommy's house are different. This is a hard concept, but he will adapt. When one of these differences comes up, be calm but firm and remind him of the difference and why. Consider letting him talk first, and as him why he wants to do something a certain way. Create a dialog and find out what your son is thinking.

Sometimes they are just over stimulated. I still am at a loss on occaision as to how to deal with it. I have found that sometimes a hug does a lot. When my son is spiraling down and out of control, I stop. Tell him I love him. Give him a hug. When he calms down, we talk about it.

THis may not be helpful, but hang in there and keep positive and calm. Your son is going through an adjustment that is challenging for him.

I feel your pain! I have 2 boys - 6 yrs old and 7 months. I have been where you are and I have have my husband for help.

All I can say is to remember he is just a little boy! No matter how articulate he may be and how smart he is - he is only 3! And you are right, he doesn't understand why you and his daddy don't live together. I wouldn't try to explain too much - just make sure he has consistency and feels loved. The best thing I think we did with our son, was to dedicate special time. Not just Oh we are all home together after work and on weekends - actually dedicating special time to cuddle and read every night, or play games on certain nights....hope this helps. It's a rather emotional topic for me so I may have babbled.

And on another note...think twice about counseling. Talk to more moms first. Last think you need is you son to be labeled as having a behavioral disorder - again, could be that he is just a little boy trying to figure it all out!

It will get easier, but it may not be until he is 4-5. Find a pre-school that is focused on play, not structure!

I think it sounds like you love your son and that is the best gift you can give him. He might be wanting to test your love upon his return from his father's home. Too bad his dad can't see the confusion he is creating by requesting that your son refer to his girlfriend as mommy. I have found that there are times when my kids begin to exhibit a behavior that absolutely confounds me. Just when I'm beginning to worry and implement new restrictions/responses, etc. they stop. Soon it will be something else to rock my world. In a nutshell, I wonder if there is a lack of consistent boundaries, expectations and guidelines in your son's life? Perhaps not from you but his dad? Your son could be trying to achieve some sense of order and consistency in his life and at 3yrs of age, you do what you can:throw your own power around. If your ex is able to listen, maybe the two of you can become more of a team, work together, parent similarly despite living in separate houses. No matter what: your son means everything to you and he knows and feels that. If you can create a sense of safey with loving boundaries and rules, he will respond, I'm sure. Good luck to you.

Hi R.,
I know what you mean about not knowing real love until you have your own child. It's so different from any other love.
As painful as it is, there's nothing you can do about him calling the other lady "mommy", but rest assured, he knows who his mommy really is.

I am thinking that you should start a journal recording what his behavior is like when he leaves for his father's and when he comes home. It must be incredibly confusing to your 3 year old to have to deal with the stress of the changes in his little life with two different homes and standards of hehavior. It sounds like his dad is not looking out for his son's best interests and you might need to get some counseling for him. Your written record of his behavioral changes will be very helpful for the counselor. The counselor should be able to make some recommendations for helping your son's father and you come to a agreement on boundries so your son can feel more secure.

I had a friend who's son would come home from visits with his dad and it would take days for him to return back to normal as well. It was a battle,with trips to court and mediation, with the mom wanting the best for the son and the dad just wanting to win. Hang in there and pray for your son. I hope this helps.
Blessings,
D.

First, I wish you all the best. I think all the advice you are getting is terrific. I do have to say that if you haven't been in this situation you just don't get how heartbreaking it is to see your child like that and to know that he is going to a household that doesn't offer the best.

I have been going through this for the last 6 years. And I went through all the stuff you have. My eyes were opened when that celebrity was in the news because he left a really nasty voicemail for his daughter. I learned about how one spouse can poison the child and how dangerous it is. I read a book, (sorry I can't remember the name, but if you google divorce and posioning a child against a spouse you'll find it) and it opened my eyes. Your child is young and it is worse when they are older so you have lots of time to correct it. The book I read really gave ideas on how to treat the child and what to say when things happen like being forced to call the girlfriend mommy. It made me feel better that I wasn't imagining things or making too much out of it, or that if I just ignore it it will be OK. And you mentioned discipline, that's really hard to know how to discipline in this situation.

I agree that you need to document everything and think about a future custody battle, but for now I would get him and you into counseling. maybe your mom too, to learn how to be the most effective. Find someone that understands the difficulty of the divorce and dealing with hostile parenting.

Best of luck to you, stay strong and loving for your baby, he's worth it

T.