Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

M.,
I know exactly what you are going through. I have some ideas if you want to talk, they are too long to type. I am a teacher and have seen this a million times plus I had a step daughter that went through exactly what you are going through. Send me an email if you want to talk. My address is ____@____.com

I don't know if I'll be much help in trying to motivate an 10 year old as my daughter is only 7. But I will say that perhaps for her to feel more motivated and involved, you may need to show more attention to her classwork, homework, etc. Is there a particular reason you don't go trough her bookbag? How else are you going to know what's going on ? Kids are very smart and will use every tactic to do (or not do) what they are supposed to do. It's up to us to stay a step ahead of them. If she knows that you aren't going to accept any old excuse, then maybe she'll know she has to give in account of her actions. I found working with the teacher (emailing through the day, phone calls, notes) is an excellent way to let them know you are involved and you and the teacher are working together because yall care so much about her, her work and her happiness. Another thing you may want to look at is that she is only 10, yet she's been in at least 3 different learning environments. I believe she can be motivated but it's going to take some work to find out how- what is her favorite class and why? See if you can get her to see how her favorite class can be used in other classes as well as real life. She's only 10 so maybe yall could play school where you are the teacher (or let her be the teacher) and yall are the students. Does she like to read, maybe she can read stories to her brother. Keep trying and hang in there.

You might check out the book "Smart Discipline". In it the author has a really good chapter on how to handle children and their homework. He also has really good ideas on how to motivate children when they appear to have no motivation at all. I can only imagine your frustration. I don't think you are unreasonable or wrong for considering public school if your hard earned money is not getting your daughter the education you want. My son is obviously very young so I have not been in your shoes but like I said I thought this book was really good and could see how it would be very applicable to your situation.

Good luck.

M., I think before I let go of that rope, I'd take her to the doctor and have a complete workup, including having her see a psychologist. You can also ask your school system for a complete psycho-social educational evaluation. I recommend both. If she has attention deficit disorder and the school she's in is not meeting her accommodation needs very many students in this situation become depressed, have low self-esteem, etc. They can be made the target of ridicule in school and even bullying because the appear "dumb." I remember my brother had difficulty in school and he wasn't doing any where near what he should be doing--bad grades, skipping school. He viewed the teachers as not caring so he figured why should he care. Also, and just a note, if she has attention deficit and/or depression, no amount of nagging by a parent or teacher is going to make her do what she needs to do. It's a real, legitimate neurological disorder that causes them not to be able to filter what they need to in order to concentrate. Nagging them is like asking a child in a wheelchair to go up a set of steps. They can't do it.

Another possibility is that she's entering puberty a little early. It's happening to girls earlier and earlier in our society. We went through a terrible time with our daughter but she came through it just fine.

Hope this helps.

You've got some good advice below. Also, you may need to start going through your 11-year-old's backpack, and make sure she doesn't get her fun activities if the work isn't done. Ask the teachers to email you assignments, also, or post them on a website. Then you can tell your daughter the work has to be done, but you'll know she's lying if she says she has none. Be sure she has consequences for not having done her work last weekend.
You're right about her wasting your money, but consider what kind of influence and environment she would have in public school for 6th grade. You're likely to compound your problems by sending her there, and it certainly won't help her study habits or grades, so the only benefit would be that you wouldn't be spending money -- although that money may be being well-spent just keeping her in a decent environment. (see today's question about the middle-school boy).
Lots of kids are hard to motivate, so you're not alone. Hang in there, but beware of jumping to public school for the solution -- it's likely to make things worse.

I don't have a child this old but I do have a brother that acted the same way. My best advice is to stay on them all the time. You have to be the one sheer force that keeps them going. Surely she has something she is into that you can take away. Also, I would look in her school bag, I would make her get the teacher to write assignments and sign them and have you look at them every night. This is a really difficult age for a young girl and she is probably been moved around so much that maybe she is trying to get her focus at that school. I just know you are the only one that really can push her and you must keep on it. You have to ask all the right questions sometimes. Anyway, see if the teachers will make her write every assignment, test, project, and midterm that comes up and then have them sign off on it so you at least know that she is bringing home and doing everything assigned.

I would tried any extra things like going to movies or the like. I would also tell her that you will be looking on the school website if they have one for test and the like. If they school does not have a site call the teacher and let her know you will check with her at least one a week to kept up with her class. If your daughters say why tell her as soon as she show a desire to kept you in the know , you will stop. I hope this helps some.

I have a friend who has the same problem out of her 12 year old (public school), they have taken everything away and she has been grounded since the first grading period of the 07-08 school year, only after they had a meeting with her counselor and her and threatened to talk to the local juvenile officer (about grades and what their options might be as far as probationary measures more severe than just being grounded)she has brought 5 F's up to C's and high D's, it seems that the threat of someone other than her parents getting on to her was more than what she wanted to deal with. It also helps that the juvenile officer is my mother and we had her actually call their house during the day so that the office number would show up on their caller id, making their daughter think the officer was actually trying to get in touch with them. It may sound drastic but with some kids, they don't realize how serious you are until you get other authority figures involved (or just bluff that you are, lol). Is there any way that that her private school would allow her to attend public school for a grading period? Maybe it's the small environment that is not challenging to her but if she doesn't want to go to public school then maybe just looking into it will make her realize that you want her to work where she is or it is a possibility. Hope this helps and if not then I hope your problem gets worked out!

I am a Mom of 4 and sorry to say no one sure way to get them to do school work. BUT I do find that rewards for doing their homework works better than telling them what you will do if they don't. We told our kids that school work is their Job and if they want to be rewarded they have to work hard at their Job ... good grades and staying out of trouble meant they got a car at 16 not a new one but one that we could afford and we picked it out ... good grades meant a good college with a good job or they could dig ditches their choice. lol
Hey it work for us! We made sure they understood that we would not be making their grades for them it wasn't our Job ... and they needed to decide what they wanted to do with their life.
AND it doesn't hurt to point out the jobs people do and why they have that Job. BE SURE AND SHOW SOME JOBS YOU KNOW THEY WOULDN'T WANT TO DO!! LOL!

M., you have several issues but your main question was how to motivate your daughter. Basically, I don't believe you can motivate a child. I think you have to force them to do things they don't want to do, then work with them on those things, and then their progress and achievement will then be the motivation to do more. Every kid I know balks at doing anything that isn't 'fun'. In our house we force out kids to eat all of their vegetables, we force our kids to do their homework every night, we force our kids to sing in the church choir and we force our kids to go to church, etc. Guess what? After a few grumbles in the beginning, they actually begin to LIKE all of those things and the REWARDS that come with them. The rewards are: not being sick (eating veggies and fruits), getting straight A's (doing homework every night), getting to go on awesome trips with the choir (singing), and meeting a bunch of new friends (going to church). I disagree with you about an 11 year old not needing her mom to go through her back pack. I just stopped doing that this year with my 7th grader because he had finally proven to be responsible regarding that kind of thing. But generally, kids need BOTH of their parents to help them with homework and keep a constant eye and ear open for homework assignments, projects coming up and that usually means going through their back pack every single night. Why don't you send your daughter to public schools? I agree with you on wasting your money. Do you have a good reason for not using the public school system? Perhaps your home (neighborhood)school is not up to par? Generally the public schools are quite good, more convenient and if you work at it, they provide a network of other parents in the same neighborhood that have similar problems. The other fifth grade parents were especially invaluable to me when my son was that age. They (the kids) all had bad attitude problems and didn't want to do anything. We fought a lot and I had to watch him like a hawk. But all that work paid off and now I have an independent, self motivated 7th grader that does all of his own work. And...he's a nice person!

My advice is- lay down the law. Improve her diet, it will help her focus; go through that back pack every night rain or shine. Sit with her and help her with each assignment giving her lots and lots of praise. Give her some rewards! If she balks at you going through her pack, tell her you are the parent and you set the rules.

I have found that parents today almost need to home school their kids part time in addition to the full time day spent st school. We are always doing some kind of teaching and learning project, disguised as fun. You can teach them math and fractions by bakings for example. I am a professional that runs a business and works full time. I still set aside time to go on field trips, help with school events and get to know the teachers. Don't underestimate the value in getting involved with the school. Become your daughter's shadow.
Good luck, sorry it's so wordy. M

I know exactly how you feel, we're dealing with almost the exact same problem. We homeschool our kids, but had to start one in a small private Christian school this year also, for the exact same reasons! He's also in 5th grade and just turned 11 (his twin brother still homeschools).

Here's how I/we are looking at it, and what we are doing. First of all, we have him at a Christian school because those are the values and "worldview" we want him to have. We put him in school because he needed more consequences for not getting work done, and for it to be on HIS shoulders, not mine! If you nag your daughter or follow up with her constantly to make sure the work is done, and to your satisfaction, that burden is on your shoulders, not hers. She will not do the work, or pay attention until you get to her breaking point.

What you want to do (and we're doing) is get her to carry her own burden. Here's how we're doing it...

1. We clearly laid out expectations for grades. His teacher already explained how grades are calculated.

2. We explained that we will not nag or ask a bunch of questions about his work, just expect him to meet our expectations.

3. His homework and studying are HIS responsibility, if he truly doesn't understand something, he may ask us, but if we have already explained it, or believe he's just wanting a crutch, he's on his own.

4. We told him if grades were not up to standards, we'd make sure he brought them up, and he wouldn't like it. (He'll be in his room except for school, chores, meals, church; no more basketball, playing outside, etc; and he'd have a new, earlier bedtime) We didn't tell him the exact solution, but promised he wouldn't like them. (you can tell her the consequence if you choose, but it must be drastic and facilitate more study time).

If he does not keep his grades up, he'll have one month (or mid interim report) to bring them up. If he's raised them, he'll get to resume "fun" activities. If not, he'll have until the report card to fix it, etc. He will remain in his room until he does it. Now, we already know what is capable of, and expectations are based on his abilities, not his current effort! We're not asking him to do something he's unable to do, just choosing not to! We want him to make better choices.

Again, if I nag, cajole, or constantly "motivate" him to keep grades up, he'll NEVER learn how to do it on his own! That will translate into problems in a job, paying bills, and basically maturing into an adult. Some people may think I'm mean or too strict, but I'm thinking longterm. Hope it helps.

Has your daughter seen the school counselor? I would suggest meeting with the counselor and teacher to visit about your concerns and then have your daughter meet with the counselor every week. It can't hurt! She might be having some troubles with other kids that she hasn't told you about, etc., and it might be helpful to talk to a trusted school official about. Have you already checked out every book in the library about this age and school issues? I would for sure do that because you don't have to reinvent the wheel if someone has already figured it out. Good luck and hang in there!!

I have a 10 year old whois in 4th and I have to sit on to get her work done too. We were at a private school until 3rd grade and now we are in public. I also have a son who is in 2nd. I moved him to public for help and structure.
They both are ADHD.. We too are on a low dose of med.
I have taken them to see a child Psyc in the past and still do my son. It helps when they can talk to someone else. Maybe the Christian school has a counsler or you can look for one that is low cost. She also sounds like she is being her age. I would not pay for school if they are not going to be tough love with her. Moving her to public school may shake her up a bit.. Also tell her if she does not pass grades this year she will repeat the grade. Also I would look at what is going on in your home. Is she reflecting any difficulties there. It is not easy to be a MOM.. I hope this helps.. I am going this afternoon to shcool to meet with counslers to help my son..
P.

M., I can totally relate with you! I'm raising my hubby's granddaughter who is 12 & a mess! She is in 6th grade but only on 3rd grade level..I've always been very involved in her school & talked to her teachers daily...at her reports they said she's "pulling the wool over our eyes" as she can do the work, she just doesn't want to. After MUCH instance they did put her on an IEP (individual education plan) where they work a plan on her level. She still won't do homework & I've talked to her teachers & her doctor as she has asthma & lies about taking her meds. The doctor told her it's HER responsibility to do take them & if she didn't SHE'D suffer not us. I too don't always think to check her book bag as she doesn't bring her books home & it's come to the point to where you can't make her read or study...she gets "lost" in the moment...& of course being boy crazy doesn't help! She started her period at 10 ugh! I'd already told her so she was prepared. She is deceitful,lies all the time,lazy & hateful to her 6 yr.old sister...she is disrespectful & throws fits...! With the laws the way they are now it makes discipline hard. It takes constant supervision & talking w/her teachers...she shows signs of being bio-polar but they say it's too early to "label" her for the rest of her life...she's a mess & there's no help for her...she falls between the cracks....& we're left to raise her w/o any answers or help....they do go through a lazy stage but some are just that way...grounding her...taking away her things doesn't bother her...nothing seems to phase her...Check w/the school counselor to see if she can help or has some resources to check out. Don't slack off on asking teachers & school officials questions..make waves...I even went to school with her last yr. & sat in the classroom w/her....embarrasing for her but the kids thought it was "cool"...good luck....!

I'm a 5th grade teacher, and I've seen many children similar to what you've described. From there, these children break down into two camps: the ones whose parents don't involve themselves and the ones whose parents take control of the situation.
I don't blame you at all for not going through your daughter's bookbag. I agree with you that she is old enough you shouldn't have to do that. However, she has proven herself to not be responsible enough to be trusted in that way.
I have seen parents able to turn this situation around for their child by being in constant contact with me. I mean, daily! We would email or talk briefly on the phone to discuss behavior and what learning took place that day, and also what assignments or tests were coming up. A lot of times, when kids know that mom and teacher are talking daily, they realize that you guys are partners and they've been defeated. It might not take too long before you are having to do a lot less to get her doing what she needs to be doing. Don't quit the constant communication too soon though; get your bluff in good. :) When she starts taking on more responsibility, maybe cut back to talking with her teacher every other day or so, and see how that works.
I think you're an awesome mom (and dad) for sacrificing to send your daughter where you think she is best off. My parents did the same for me and I will be forever grateful to them (although I wasn't always grateful at the time!). Before you take her out of the private school, why don't you try this constant communication with teacher and see if things change over time. And don't feel bad about talking with the teacher daily...it's part of her job. But I would suggest that you initiate the communication. It's easy to forget to call/email a parent daily with all that goes on in school.

M., this is so hard, isn't it. {{{HUGS}}}

My thoughts

1. Is the on a fairly strict schedule? I'd do that plus a carrot-stick system for acknowledging her doing what she is supposed to. For example, pick up her room daily, wash dishes etc.

2. I find that team, rec sports benefit kids this age so much. They learn discipline, motivation, sportsmanship.

Warmly,
A., mom of 5

Oh the joys of 11 year olds. While teaching 6th grade and seeing friends girls,the unmotivated child is usually the one who has nothing to look forward to. Does she participate in any functions outside of the normal school day (ie, school clubs, church activities, community activities). Often times as people we get tired of the same old same old and need some shaking up. Have you ever thought that 19 students may not be challenging for her her worst may be better than many best. We have found this true with a friends childwho just turned 11. Her motivation increases when tha challenges faced increase. Her also not wanting to go to public school may be from the lack of self understand of public school. Another friends child went through this after being in German school, she demanded to be home schooled and did very poorly with it. She finally went a saw public school for herself and is now in HS invloved and a Honor student. Talk to her see he intrest watch and see what gives her that sparkle in her eye.

You may have already tried this ... but rewards like an allowance if the week is good and studies are covered. We don't give the kids a big allowance and we base it on their age (10 yrs. old - $10 allowance every two weeks or $5 a week). They get to go shopping when they get it or save it for something special. I feel it is also helping them to learn about managing money. I don't give advances and teach them to spend what they have. Just a thought ... hope it gets better soon! I also think you have to check for everything in their back pack. I pretty much dump it out every day and with doing so it's not hard. One of my friends never checks her daughters and relies on the child to do so. She stayed with us a few days one school week and there were things in it from weeks earlier that should have been seen by the mother. Do this one for yourself then you won't be misinformed about what comes home from school.

Please do not move her to a public school while she is having trouble in school. Troubled kids just seem to get lost in the cracks.
I suggest cutting all of her extra activities, unless it is a family activity so that she has no reason to ditch school work.If her grades improve allow her to choose a way to celebrate.
My oldest daughter thinks she is not as smart as her siblings and therefore she doesn't try very hard to excell. Average is good enough. We spend a lot of time talking about what they might like to be when they grow up. Then we look at what it takes to be that, and talk about good grades and plan activities that might reinforce those ideas (museums, galleries, libraries, etc.)of future occupations.This helps, though she says she is tired of hearing me going over her future with her.

About me: Stay at home mom for 7 years with my 3 kids (now 12,13,and 14), current college student and full time paralegal. Supportive husband and really good kids. Been lucky, blessed even.

It takes a lot to motivate anyone. Obviously you are motivated by your standard of living, etc. So I would first explain that everyone in the family has a job, etc.. and that her job is school(this applies to her being in eith public school or private school). Now obviously basics like housing, electricity, food and some amenities are complimentary for children but things like DVDs, CDs, purses, or whatever her extras must be earned by her doing her job of school. You would benefit from making a simple behavior contract with her so she feels she has input and have her sign it as this makes it feel official. Also get a special calendar and daily or weekly review it with her (It should be based on school performance and you will need teacher input with this or a behavior card). Rewards will be expected as you job pays you too, so make it reasonable.. something small but something that she likes) Now she has a job to do just a you do. And all of this is only necessary if she too wants to go to this school otherwise she could be trying to tell you she doesn't want to be there. But you need to set limits and follow through on consequences or she will never benefit. Of course loving and firm. Things will improve for awhile but when you slack she will soon follow. If needed then go to counseling. Dont forget the teens years are soon and well this is just a small test of will. Don't let her will out last yours. Of course be mommy like in your chats with her, don't let her control the way the talk goes but do allow polite input . Best of luck.

i think maybe you should give her the ultimatum wither she can concentrate on her grades more or you can pull her and put her in public school and if she doesn't try to do better then actually do it you ar wasting your money if she isn't going to even try to do good in school. you might also want to check in with the teachers and see if there is some other problem at school that you are unaware of or seek counseling.. somthing is not right with this situation.. you may find that she is just having problems relating to the other kids which can affect her grades and motivation

If your daughter doesn't want to go to public school, use that as the motivation. Tell her if things don't improve that is what will happen. Explain that it cost money for her to go to the Christian school and that you are working to make that happen and that everyone has to do their part. Her part is doing her work. If she won't do her part then neither will you and she will have to go to public school. Good luck!

Hi M.,
You know there are some public schools that are just as good as private schools. I don't know where you live, but I would check out some of the magnet and charter schools. The middle school years are really awful for most kids, and I'd find a good school that she can be interested in. It sounds like you have done a lot to insure that she has a good education, but like you, I don't believe I'd want to spend money on school and her not be interested in getting her work done, etc. (I just ranted about middle school years, which she is coming up on, in another response to another mom today--<g> so I won't do it again, but these years are really hard.)Yes, unfortunately, you do have to continue to check book bags and ask them every day "Do you have any homework?" They have so much on their minds at this point, that even asking that one question sometimes jogs their memory. It could be that she really did forget! Another thing you might do is set aside a time every evening that you will sit down with her and look over the homework she has to turn in the next day. I don't mean DO the homework, but just make sure it has been done, and that if she has questions or needs help,this is the time for it. That would give you some time with her where she has your full attention, and it might be the key to getting her back on track. You know, in the Oklahoma City Public School system, there are several magnet schools (one concentrating on the arts, one on sciences, etc.) and charter schools (same type thing, much like a private school only FREE)and this might be something to consider if you live in this area. Good luck to you, and if you need further info, feel free to let me know!
C.

Hi M., sounds like you need to go thru everything, she won't like it but who cares, if she was doing what she was supposed to do you wouldn't have to...make her responsible for the consequences of her actions...i don't know how far you're willing to go but my suggestion would be to start removing all of the things from her world that she likes....cell phones, steros, time with friends, etc. make her sit at the table while you cook dinner and be sure she does her homework...i realize that you work outside the home but maybe take a couple days vacation and go sit in her classroom with her...yes, she'll be embarrassed and you'll be inconvenienced but i figure what ever it takes. if i read you right, it's not a matter of what school she's in, it's a matter of not doing her work....you have to convice her that you are the parent and she WILL do the work...if you don't make that true now, what are you going to do when she's 15......you just keep tightening down more and more until you find what "thing" gets her to fall into line...all kids have one, you just have to find it....just so you know, i raised 2 very strong willed boys who are now grown and very wonderful young men....parenting is hard but they are so worth it in the end.....good luck....R.

Check out www.nacd.org chances are she just needs to build her processing abilities. you can work on that specific separate from academic. If the brain is not organized to process the information there is not motivation to doing it.

I'm not sure if I can think of good motivational tools for your daughter, but with my children (who currently has no problems with school, thank goodness only 5 and 7) when they come home they have to do there homework before they can do anything else. They have to sit at the table... if for some reason they say they have no homework or they really don't have homework I still make them sit at the table and read a book for half an hour. I'm hoping this will install good study habits. I also know that they would prefer to get there homewrok done quickly to go play. They don't like to be told that they have to read, even though they are both good readers. If you tell your daughter that if she doesn't have any homework to do then she still has to read for a length of time she may decide to actually do her homework. When she is done with her homework make sure that you check it with her so that if she gets something wrong you can help her understand what she did wrong and correct it. Good luck and let us know how it goes. God bless you and yours ciao