Heartbroken. How to Speak to Daughter About Waiting to Have Sex

I know that it seems like a horrible things but she is a young adult who has made this decision I would just let it go and hope that all the lessons you have taught her will allow her to continue to do well in life. Its her choice to have sex and if she loves this young man and he loves her its would have been only a matter of time anyway.

At this point I think you should talk to her about how to protect herself from pregnancy and having safe sex and let her know that you are there for her.

Ditto.

Next, you WANT to keep an OPEN communication and relationship with your daughter. VERY important.
BUT... respect her. She has grown up now.
This is a "milestone" and a point of growth for YOU too....
it is growing pains, for the Parent.

Just make sure your daughter is WISE, and takes care of her birth control, talk with her about it, and make sure she is AWARE of STD's.

AND, if she is not already, make sure she has an OB/GYN that she goes to every year for check ups. Now that she is sexually active, it is even more important that she do this.
Make sure she is on the ball with these things.

AND, ALWAYS be there for her for any disappointments and any heartaches... she will need her Mom (& Dad) to be there FOR her.

At this age, relationships do not always last "forever." But she will need to learn that on her own. AND she WILL have other relationships too.

As for the guy... you aren't his parent... so be careful of boundaries... but, for me, My Dad would sort of instill what behavior he expects while in OUR home. But don't be too heavy-handed in that... or you will undermine her relationship.

Next, despite your feelings on this matter, she is 20 years old. She is an adult. If you keep telling her not to have sex and "lecture" her on abstinence... she may very well get tired of it and then just STOP telling you anything. THAT is worse. AND she may just lose any trust in you, and then may never come to you for confidences.

Whatever you do, talk WITH her as an adult. Don't treat her like a child. She will resent that and then won't open up to you.

Your job now, is to keep in her trusting circle, be her Mom, Be her Dad, and be there for her.

For me, my Dad was a BIG influence on me and when I dated/had relationships. He never judged me. I even went through a phase where I dated a "punk rocker" in a band, who would pick me up on his motorcycle. My Dad never flinched, he even liked the guy... the guy was very smart/college educated/and a gentleman after all. BUT, my Dad was always there for me, I could tell him anything. THIS is very important. He never talked down to me or judged me... but treated me as the "smart/wise" daughter he knew me to be and trusted that EVERYTHING that he and my Mom taught me... was guiding me.
My Mom on the other hand, was more critical... and so I didn't tell her as much as I could tell my Dad.
So keep that in mind.

All the best,
Susan

With all due respect she IS an adult. She is capable of making decisions regarding her body and her life now. All you can do is hope that she will remember the things that you and your husband have taught her and implement them in her own life, but at this point if it's not her decision then it's her choice to make. You can sit down and talk to her and let her know how you are feeling about the choice that she made, but there should be no guilt involved. Just express to her how you are feeling.

I think more importantly than trying to get her to be abstinant, is teaching her to be safe. Talking about pregnancy, STD's, etc. Abstinance does not always work. Look at Sarah Palin's daughter. It's great for you to want her to wait, but it's not realistic for most at that age. Haing an open relationship with your daughter that can teach her to make wiser decision will probably be better for her and you.

Hi C.,

Your daughter is a woman. She sounds like she knows her own mind and you are very proud of her. It also sounds like she has a wonderful boyfriend who very well could become her life partner.

My advice to you is to feel blessed by what you have. Your daughter could have a bum for a boyfriend or several boyfriends for that matter.

I was twenty when I first had sex. I went to the ob by myself and got on the pill when I knew this guy was the one. My mother was very supportive of me and I felt I could go to her with anything I needed.

It is important for you to realize that your daughter and her man are still responsible and respectable people. Trust her to be who you raised but be flexible enough to let her be her own person. If you do this you will preserve your relationship. The world is a different place. Many moms would be thrilled to have their daughters wait until 20. I think that these days she deserves our respect just for that.

I married my "first". We have been together for almost 17 years - married twelve. Support your daughter by accepting her choices. You don't have to be thrilled with her choice but you do have to accept it.

Good Luck.

C.

Hi C., I would not call any man/guy sweet and dependable, if he's having sex with my daughter, I have a 20 year old daughter, who we have raised that sex is for marriage, we told her if a man truly loves and respects you, they won't expect you to put out. Our oldest son and his wife had a pure dating relationship for 2 years at 21 my daughter in law went to the alter to my son a virgin.r daughter my 22 year old son, is dating a 18 year old girl who will be 19 in August, they have been dating since he was 19 and she was 15, they have had and still do a pure dating relationship. I think you should tell your daughtet, that a man that truly loves and respects a woman, would not want her to comprimise her values and morals, that is not a loving thing to do to someone you say you love. At 20 all's you dod is let her know how you feel, better yet ask her do know God see's you when you do that? I think yor husband should talk to him. If some guy touched my daughter disrespectfully, my husband and my sons, would forget their Christians and probably hurt this guy. Love always protects, and daddy's have to protect their little girls. This guy has taken from your daughter the experience of the special wedding night, I would hardly call that sweet,or dependable, not in that area anyways. You did what you were supossed to do, so I hope you are not feeling like you didn't raise your daughter right, she's grown and makes her own decisions. My husband told our daughter that if she goes to the alter with her purity intact, she can have a 10,000 limit on her wedding, (I think that was for encourangemnet) we don't have 10,000 sitting around. Well C. I wish your family well, but talk to her, let her know that love & sex are not the same thing, sex is something personal and sacred that a husband and wife share together. J. L.

I am assuming that you just found out this because she told you, right? Believe it or not, that is a positive thing. She still trusts you enough to sit down and talk with you about things. At 19 or almost 20 years of age, you have to remember that legally she is an adult and can make whatever decisions about her life that she chooses, whether her parents agree or not. This includes having sex, living together with her boyfriend (which may come next) without being married, etc. She has the basic foundation that you and your husband taught her. After she turns 18 years old, it is her job to apply that knowledge to whatever life situations. You may not agree with her decisions, but it does not make her a "bad" person, just not wise in decision making. At this point, I would just be a listener to whatever your daughter says on the subject and I would ensure that she is aware that she should be using condoms or other forms of protection against STD's. I would certainly not involve your husband or you talking to her boyfriend because he is also an adult. If they are both adults, then they need to deal with the consequences of whatever happens from having sex (unwanted pregnancy, or STD's). This is something that you can talk to your daughter about when you tell her the importance of using protection. If they were to decide to move in together and you oppose them doing so, there is something you can do about that. If you help her pay for her college education at all, I would tell her that if she moves in with him, you will not continue to pay for any of her expenses, including college. Don't lecture your daughter or it will just go in one ear and out the other. If she would happen to move in with her boyfriend, I would not allow my other children to see her anymore until she and her boyfriend get married. That way, you don't condone her living together with him. And the other children don't get the idea that it is okay to live together before marriage.

Best of luck with this difficult situation.
J.