He Doesn't Want to Marry

How he grew up & his reasons for not wanting to marry are something he needs to address & resolve himself, and not take out on you.

I know one thing for certain - if you push marriage in his face every chance you get, he will be even more resistant. He may come around one day, he may not. The old saying comes to mind - "if it aint' broke, don't fix it". And he may very well have this mentality.

Only you can decide if you're willing to wait for something that may or may not come, and whether or not you can accept that things may never be exactly how you envisioned them to be.

Good luck.

Even thoughshe loves daddy it's probably a phase. But just know there is NOONE who can compare to mother. You carried her for nine and have raised her. You have a bond noone an compare to. Have peace in that.

L....first and foremost, have you two sat down and really discussed this issue? If he's dead set on not getting married, I do not think he'll change his mind. I had a friend who had a boyfriend who said he'd never get married and four years later, they broke up. If he can see that you two are not your parents, then he may reconsider but some people just don't want to get married. I, personally, would be as offended and hurt as you are. I would not get upset or mad, but explain to him without yelling or fighting.

As far as your daughter, sometimes children favor one parent or the other at times. It does not meant that they want to be or would be better off without you. You also have to think that in most cases, mommy is the enforcer of rules, the cleaner, the cooker, etc where as Daddy has the role of FUN enforcer!

Good luck!

I would talk to him and tell him how you feel make sure that he knows you are not pressuring him. Sometimes it takes awhile for people to come around...and my hubbys step mother and father are STILL not married. They live happily together and noone can tell(I didnt know until I got told) everything is the same except for a piece of paper. They have been together for like 20 something years!
Hope that helps!

My husband and I dated for 5 years - he was definitely on the non-commital side. We started living together about 9 months after meeting one another. Although I knew he was a great match for me, I remember feeling very insecure about our relationship - especially since he didn't seem very inclined towards marriage. Around the 3rd or 4th year, I realized that he clearly just wasn't emotionally ready for marriage and I decided to wait until he was. It was hard for me NOT to talk about wanting to get married, but it was easier once I understood why he was unable to talk about it. He simply wasn't ready. My advice to you is to let him bring up the subject of marriage - and yes, you may have to wait years...or maybe sooner, you never know, he might surprise you. It brought me comfort to know that I wouldn't want him to marry me before he was emotionally ready to do so. That being said, I did quietly, but steadfastly hold my ground when we discussed having children (or in your case having additional children) stating that it was important for me and for them to have a stable home-life with parents who were married.

Regarding the other issue - I remember when a friend of mine's child was going through the "I want my daddy" phase. It was actually cute from my perspective, but I can totally understand how it might make you feel unwanted if you already have all those other thoughts going on in your head. I'm sure you are doing a wonderful job at being a mother and a girlfriend.

All I can offer is to try and be confident. Don't focus on the marriage thing, but rather that he is there and loves you. Maybe someday he will get over his insecurity around this issue and you'll get married, but maybe he won't. You just have to see him for what he is and accept that. It's hard, but you'll be a happier and more confident person if you do. As far as your daughter goes, she might have the "Daddy's Little Girl" thing going. I know it can be hurtful to not feel needed but trust me you ARE NEEDED! They would have a very, very hard time living without you. I have experienced this with my boys and it is heartbreaking, but again you have to see the situation for what it is. She certainly loves you but maybe gravitates to daddy b/c he has more common personality traits. just know they do need and love you...keep your chin up!

I have had a similar situation but i was the one who didn't want to get married because i came from a dysfunctional family. i believe that if you haven't discussed this with him you should and you should clearly state what an impact it is having on you daughter and you yourself. I would tell him that he came from a broken home and that you don't want your daughter to grow up that way or be confused. The most important thing to a child is family and being secure in knowing that it is there and always will be.

As far as her being fixated on her father it's likely not a phase. Believe me she loves you just as much, there is no substitute for a mommy. I am a stay at home mom and i am the on who cooks and cleans and the on who does all of the stuff that isn't fun, i rarely have time to just sit and play with my daughter, so when my husband comes home shes automatically smiling and cooing because all he has to do is play with her. Just as we get frustrated with our little ones they get the same way after being around us all day too.

It hurts me to see that I'm the one who cares for her when he doesn't want to and cant but that she prefers him at the end of the day. I know that she loves me though and I can see it when she smiles at me.

I have 4 children and I had a couple of them that would prefer their dad. A couple were totally mama's kids. There were phases for each too. Don't take it personally although I know it can be hard. You are a wonderful mom and girlfriend to your boyfriend. If he's hesitant to get married, he may be comfortable with where you're at because you're living like a married couple. If you like things the way they are, like he does, then you may just have to wait until he's ready. But if you aren't happy with how things are you may have to think about separating and not living like a married couple. It's something you and him will have to work out and you may have to compromise. But if you're happy the way things are, maybe you can "train" yourself not to take it as rejection. He sounds like a fine man and a good father. I'd feel the same way you do, so I understand where you are coming from. It might be that he feels comfortable with your relationship the way it is and with his background, making a change, like marriage, may make him nervous. Good luck!

Hi L.,
Is there a compromise the two of you can agree on? Like a commitment ceremony; or you could all go on a wedding-less honeymoon?

But no matter what, the two of you share a child: know you are going to be a part of each other's lives, no matter what the future brings, forever.

t

Oh- and on the gravitating to Daddy thing- assume it is the healthiest thing in the world for your girl to have a normal, loving relationship with the first (and best) guy in her life! It will give her some perspective when it comes to picking out her own guys in the future :)

My boyfriend and I were two months into our relationship when I found out I was pregnant. Our daughter is now 16 months old. He has a fear of getting married because divorse runs in his family and all of his friends who have gotten married now have awful relationships with one another. though I would like to get married I know that the only way that it is going to work is when we both decide to get married. If I force the issue things will not go well. We have been together for 2+ years now and just recently he has begun to warm up to the idea of marriage. By letting him come to terms with it himself I think we are both going to be happier. You would not get married just to please your family. It just stands to reason that when marriage does take place you both need to do it to please you both not just one or the other. He will come around eventually. Just don't force the issue. You might end up pushign him away. also about your daughter wanting to hang out more with him it is very common for the child to want the parent who is around less often. My daughter does the same thing but she knows that when she does not feel well or she wants to be fed that Mommy is the one who does all of that and so she comes back to me. She does not go to daddy when she wants the things that I am in charge of. You both have different roles as parents. Because he is around less often than you it is only natural that she would cling to him when he is around. My guy went hunting this last week and while he was gone my daughter began to pull her hair out again... she stopped when he got home. She missed him. though she was happy with mommy when she woke up and went to bed without seeing daddy she kept asking for him.

I would tell him how you feel. I would be upset if I were in your situation, too. I think that if you are really wanting to be married it may affect your self-esteem( long term) if he never marries you.It is kind of like saying " I want to be with you forever, but I don't want to put that in writing". If he is really dead set against it, you will have to decide if that is something you can live with and still be happy. However, there are some people who never get married and are fine with it. There is also the possibility that he could change his mind. One of my brothers who was "never getting married again" is now happily re-married with 3 kids. I guess it comes down to your belief system and what you are comfortable with. I would sit down with him at some point and have a talk if it really bothers you.

As far as her favoring her dad, I think that is a phase and it will pass. Some days my daughter wants mommy , and some days she is a complete daddy's girl.

On the Daddy fixation - my two-year-old son has been going through the same stage and I decided to embrace it. Rather than having my son hanging on my leg or asking me to hold him while I'm cooking, etc., he wants to be with his dad, and that is fine with me. I know it's just a phase and often when were both gone or I'm not around, my son asks for me so I don't take it as rejection. It also has given my husband an ego boost because he felt useless in those early months, and I love watching them play together. If you can, make the most of the little bit of "freedom" you are experiencing - your little girl will need you a great deal in the years to come.

I think it is wonderful that you prioritize spending time with your daughter. She is getting old enough that you can start to include her in chores around the house. My kids loved doing the laundry (usually helping put clothes in) and cooking (pouring ingredients in). This helped them to have special things they did with mom. It takes a bit longer to do with their "help", but it has really increased my popularity with them (we both know our children love us, but it is nice being popular or fun as well). Something else I remember is that when I am gone and dad is taking care of the kids, my kids get excited about me coming home (I just don't see it as much because I'm not there.

In regards to your boyfriend - it is his decision. Just as it was yours to move in and have a child with him. I would suggest that you "make time" to discuss it with him when neither one of you is emotional and you have the time to discuss it a bit without interuption. I have found that if I let my husband know that I want to discuss a conflicting issue with us and then tell him, "I am not expecting an answer right away, I just need to share how I feel and better understand how you feel." (this has been very successful in difficult issues in our marriage) I have found that a lot of times he does not think or progress (emotionally) in an area unless I bring it up to discuss (he is happy with things as they are, until he can see a better place to be, but he doesn't ponder on things like this naturally).

Ultimately it is going to be your choice as to whether to accept where he is. He may change, he may not, but it will be his decision.

I think I would share with him that simply not getting married is not going to prevent the types of dysfunctionality that you two seem to be trying to avoid. Getting married is more than "a piece of paper" although that is the excuse that a lot of people use to avoid it. Marriage (to me at least) is a commitment of a man and woman to start a family and to stick together through all the problems and joys. To put your family as the priority above all else (including yourself, being selfish, self-esteem, and the traditions of your family (including bad traditions like family dysfunctionality). Personally I have had to improve my "tendencies and habits" that I learned growing up in my "dysfunctional" family.

It seems that currently you both are choosing a different path than your parents (in not getting married) but not necessarily a different pattern as far as priorities etc if you both are not willing to put your family above your struggles. I hope things work out well for you all.

Your daughter's fixation on Daddy might be because he's not around as much. My son goes through a serious Daddy-phase each summer when I am the one home more...and though it hurts, I know that our relationship is just as important and special to him.

As far as getting married, have you asked yourself what marriage will change about your relationship? It sounds like you already have a wonderful family (one that is even arguably better than that of married couples). I have been married for 10 years, and if I've learned anything in the last 10 years, it's that legal marriage isn't a guarantee that you will be together forever...the only thing that does matter is both people's commitment to one another, not the piece of paper.

That said, I understand your desire and agree that marriage between the two of you would provide stability for your child that you'd have to work a little harder to put into place if you don't ever marry. Whatever happens, keep in mind that everything happens in its own time and that sometimes the only thing to do while waiting is to enjoy what you have right now! Best wishes to you!

Hi L.,

I wish I could help you with your situation with your boyfriend--it just sounds like maybe he needs to talk to someone if he truly has an aversion to it. Most people come from dysfunctional homes these days, but it is possible to have a healthy, strong, and permanent marriage.

As for your daughter's fixation with Daddy...it's normal! At least in my experience. I have three children, one of whom is 21 months and has a Daddy fixation himself. When one parent is at home all the time and the other works outside the home or is less present, the child automatically wants that other parent (again, in my experience). It's definitely NOT a lack of desiring you--it's more than likely that she's just very reassured that you're always there when she wants you. Van (my son) always asks for Daddy throughout the day, so I keep telling him he's at work or on the plane (my hubby is in the military, flying and deploying), and that he'll see him after nap, or after dinner--whatever you think they would understand.

Don't forget, too, that during this age, separation anxiety can be an issue and is absolutely normal. She'll grow out of it. Just keep reassuring her that she'll see Daddy, and continue to keep yourself available to her.

Oh...and housework? It'll keep. Your daughter won't always be 18 months. :) Just enjoy!

Hi there L.

My husband and I took a different approach to marriage, I didn't want him to expect that I be the person who was mainly responsible for all the housework, for it to be seen as more of a partnership than a marriage.

Maybe if you both bought each other promise rings rather than having a formal marriage ceremony? Everyone has a different stint on what they want marriage to be.

As for your daughter, I truly do understand where you are coming from, I felt that same way with my son. He is mainly affectionate when he truly feels the need with hugs, so when you get them, they are like rare treasures!

You will find that even though she adores your partner, when it comes to being comforted, whether she is sick or hurt, there is no one like mommy!

All the best

Jen

I am sure you have more than enough responses but I just wanted to say Marriage is a piece of paper for the government and has to do with your belief system. I honestly see no reason for marriage but my husband family is VERY religious so we got married. We love each other tons but even if we weren’t married it would still be the same. I don’t even wear a ring. My best friend has been with her husband for 11yrs they have 2 kids and live happily. They wear rings but are not married. She refuses to marry him. After watching her sister and mom have wonderful relationships till the paper was signed and then the marriage crumbling-- in one case just a few months after the wedding she refuses. Her belief is --saying I do makes people not try as hard to keep together. People know how hard divorce is and know their partners will put up with more to avoid the divorce.
I believe “dating” and marriage are about the perspective of you and your boyfriend. If he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and he is willing to say that to you what does the paper matter? Neither means the relationship is written in stone at the same time neither means you’re not providing your family a stable loving enviroment to grow in. In the end it is just a piece of paper. Either you love your partner and will stay with him forever and he you or you both don’t? The paper won’t make you feelings any stronger or last longer. Ask all the dysfunctional kids out there who were drug thru a messy divorce by parents who in the end hated each other.
As far as the daughter daddy thing it is a normal phase. Both my kids go through it still and my daughter is 8. Some weeks she can’t get enough mom others it is dad. My son- daddy's boy all the way when daddy gets home from work. Both however want me if they are sad, sick or hurt.

If your daughter wants to be with him, that is a compliment to you, as well as to him. You have taught her that it is good to love Daddy. Also, at this age, she thinks of you as more of an extension of herself than as a separate person, so don't be discouraged. If you weren't there, it would ruin her world. Children need to feel that love from both parents, if at all possible.

He may change someday (on the marriage thing), but make sure he knows that you love him and that you want to be married someday, and let it go at that. He may want to make you happy enough to marry you someday. You are the only one that can decide if this is enough for you for awhile. If it's not, you have to decide if you want to do something about it.

Hi L.,
Please Please get some counseling right away. Ever since I read your request yesterday (sorry it took me a while to respond) I have been so worried about you. when you said :

"Like if I just went away, they'd both be fine & perfectly happy, though I think down deep I know that's not true."

I was very concerned. I said that same thing once... it was a dark time. So I hope you will be able to talk to someone soon. And remember that you are precious! and that there is no one that can take your place.

I wish you the very best!