Having Trust Issues with My Teenage Girls

Hi J.,

I think you got a lot of good advice- I just wouldn't go too overboard right away. Talk to her about why you're worried and what the consequences will be if she sneaks out again. A lot of people recommended that you take her to counseling. I think that if you do, you should definitely go with her. When I was a wild teen, my parents took me to counseling two different times & I refused to speak at all. It would have probably worked better if I had felt like my parents were trying to work through it with me instead of feeling like they were just dropping me off to be fixed.

C. : )

i dont know what your budget is like but if you can afford it, set up a hidden video cam, or even get a house alarm... if thats not an option then try talking to the parents of these boys about it, since they are part of the problem... if she needs someone to talk to then get her in to counseling. theres a clinic in cypress called straight talk (5712 camp st, cypress ca 90630, ###-###-####) they can also give you references to other clinics in the area. they accept insurance, and charge based on your income if youre uninsured... start drug testing her. you can buy test kits at the drug store, or take her to the dr and have her tested... monitor her time on the computer, make her give you all passwords to her email, myspace, IM, you can also buy spy programs that will record everything she does on the computer... i also suggest that if she sneaks out again and you catch her, call the police... they most likely wont arrest her, but, they can scare the heck out of her, and the boys. if all else fails, once you call the police and file a report, you can go to court for a restraining order... if you need more help then please send me a private email (____@____.com or IM me, my yahoo is aliepooh420), i was a wild teen, so i have tons of advice to give...

Lol, the memories this bring back! Sorry but I was one of those teenage girls that snuck out not too long ago.
Honestly I think you should have a talk to your daughter about endangering the family. That is what my mother did to me and it worked.
Even in the best neighborhoods (actually more so in the nicer areas) people get broken into and robbed. By her sneaking out she is basically showing intruders how to enter the home, and these men will not be care if someone is home or not (most home evasions happen while family is home); another approach is by informing her that is disrespecting not only herself but every member of the household when she sneaks out.
What type of man wants to sneak around with a young girl? The kind that have something to hide.
These are the things that you should talk to her about and ask her to start asking herself these things when she feels like sneaking out.
I would NOT bring trust into the conversation as teenagers do not know how to trust, which is why they do not communicate with their parents. This is the time when they have lost faith I guess you could say as they are beginning to see the world as adults do, so they do not trust anything or anyone at this stage because they feel they were lied to as children and the world is not as they thought.
You also may want to drug test her, I hate to say it, but when I was a teenager most of my friends were sneaking out not to just meet any guy, but their drug dealer (pot is most common for your daughters ages- most drug stores carry at home testing kits similar to pregnancy tests, pee on stick & wait).
But over all I'd say call an alarm company and have an alarm installed, make sure that it monitor entry doors and have a senor placed on windows you think are being used to get out)most installations are free as long as you sign a 2 year monitoring service contract (most cost 30.00 month and are billed quarterly). DO NOT give any of your children the code; you make sure that you are the one to operate the system.
I also recommend that you seek consoling for you with your daughters as most teenage girls do not communicate well with their mothers to start and if you and the father are separated that presents a whole new batch of issues for your girls.
Treat them like adults when you speak to them do not make ANY subject taboo for them to talk to you about, even sex and drugs.
My mother and I did consoling together when I became problematic and I must admit that it helped us so much, and in the long run my mother became my best friend as well. I could talk to her about everything (she passed away 3 1/2 yrs ago) and I have to admit that she made it happen against all my rebellion. And she gave me clear reasons for her expectations of me in the future.
Don't just use on way to "solve" the issue, it doesn't work with teenagers anymore; be creative and use different techniques.

I think you should go into counseling with her. There is a bigger problem than just sneaking out.

Sounds a bit like me when I was in middle school! I did it b/c I was neglected by my mom, though I am not saying that this is their reason. It's just that my mom worked to support us as a single mom, but she also had a boyfriend who she prioritized.

You need to sit down and have a good conversation...short and to the point. Here are the rules. Here are the consequences when rules are broken. You can even have a 1st, 2nd, 3rd offense and vary the severity of the consequence. You also need to explain to her that trust is not given, it is earned. Be honest with your distrust for her and then calmly accept her anger towards you. Let her know you are okay with her being angry about it, but you have to honor your instincts and your gut feeling. Reassure her that you know that your relationship will be mended and on track again soon, and you are willing to work with her to that end. If she is not willing through words or actions, then you will be sad and disappointed, but you will be forced to remove privileges. Believe it or not, kids like structure and consequences, as sometimes they cannot seem to control themselves.

Besides this, please read the following books:

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk (http://www.amazon.com/Talk-Kids-Will-Listen-Child/dp/1853...)

Liberated Parents, Liberated Children: Your Guide to a Happier Family (http://www.amazon.com/Liberated-Parents-Children-Happier-...)

...both by Faber and Mazlish. I have read both of these many times, and they have made a drastic difference. Very easy to read, too! Some of the stuff is geared towards toddlers and elementary-age; however, what is a teenager but an overgrown toddler at times?!

In addition to these books, it would be great if you scheduled in some weekly (if not daily) one-on-one time with each daughter. Let them guide what you do. Even if you just go for a walk in silence, the benefits will come. If they are obsessing on boys, they may have some daddy/male-attention issues.

I hope this helps! Best wishes to you!!

It wasn't too long ago that i was that age, so i remember very clearly. I wanted to do everything right now, this minute because if i didn't i felt like i would miss out on something. You probably shouldn't trust your daughter with stuff like sneaking out. You can try putting scotch tape on the door. She won't see it and then if the tape is broke you know she left. You don't have to tell her how you know. My dad found out i was somewhere where i wasn't supposed to be and i was dumbfounded at how he found out. I still don't know to this day, he just told me that he knows people and has people watching for me everywhere. I didn't really believe him but he was right about things so it made me wonder and i think i was on better behavior because of it. I really really think you should punish her, and STICK TO IT. Also what made me listen more was that my parents told me how they felt. They didn't just say Don't do this and don't do that they told me why i shouldn't and that they would be really worried about me, and if i ever did do something and was in trouble to make sure i called them if i needed there help. Because they were always there for me. I hope everything works out.

J., you will drive yourself crazy trying to focus on the behavior and "trust." Your daughter is not doing this TO you; she is being SELF-destructive, which is very sad. Very often, girls sexualize themselves in search of a man's validation, when they come from a single-mom home. I think she is taking risks in search of a superficial "relationship" with the boy - who most likely, is only using her (because he's a teenage boy; he can't help it). To her, the payoff is worth the risk of getting caught. So I would focus on her self esteem (through professional intervention), not this one behavior. The result will be a self-reliant person who is easy to trust - and who will end up making healthier decisions for herself. In the meantime, I wouldn't argue whether she's "doing it" or not; I'd get her on some birth control. She's in the moment, not thinking of consequences; that's a recipe for an unwanted pregnancy.

edit: I need to add that I was a teenage mother and also a divorced (now remarried) mom of three children -- two of whom are girls. My girls are now 19 and 13. By doing what I've advised, we've caught warnings but avoided serious issues. I advise with the utmost empathy for you. I also agree with Carrie, that the approach to counseling needs to be non-accusing - something like: "WE need advice, because I need to learn how to show you how much I love you, in ways that you can understand; and I want you to feel free to be open with someone who can help us."

Punish her and stick to it. No matter what the punishment is and what her excuse as to why she should get out of it stick to it. She needs to understand your rules are meant to be obeyed. Otherwise, you will have consequences.

Also, cut off the cell phone, the car and any other luxuries until she complies. Being a parent is a tough job, but her disliking you now will make her into a responsible, caring, independent adult.

Hi
Sometimes being a parent means not being liked by your kids. I suggest you give a call to the parents of the 17 year old boy, I can't believe they would want the nocturnal visits any more than you do, a good dose of embarassment works wonders. She will probably be mad and hate you for awhile, but when they grow up they realize you were right, my kids all realized that when they were grown. It just isn't safe for a girl of that age to do this, so much can happen to her and I"m not even talking about pregnancy. Actions cause reactions and your daughter needs to know she is still a kid and should act like one, she has plenty of time to grow up and not do it so quickly. good luck I'll be praying for all of you.

I am getting am alarm system put in on the doors and windows

I agree that you need to have a sit-down with her and talk about safety and respect for herself and your family. I was never a sneaker-outer, so I don't have a whole lot of real-world advice on that front.

Regarding alarm systems, we have an ADT system that we can either set to alarm or to chirp when doors and windows are opened. You don't have to give her the alarm code. When the alarm is armed and she opens the door, the pad will start beeping. Ours goes 15 or 30 seconds which is the time you have to disarm it before the full-on alarm comes on and the alarm company is called. You may want something that is not monitored so you aren't bothering real people with your daughter sneaking out. Anyway, ADT installed the hardware for free and it's about $40 a month for monitoring. It's not a bad thing to have anyway; you can get reduced home insurance rates with it.

Those are the ages when communication is key. My Mom didn't know EVERYTHING I did, but she always knew where I was and who I was with. I didn't have to sneak out because my parents would rather me be at my own house than out - When I was 15 (I'm 28 now) - if I wanted to spend time with a guy, he would come over, meet my parents (so they could form their own gut opinion...), we could be outside or watch TV, etc. but at least my Mom knew where I was. By her being flexible and understanding, it was a win-win - because we communicated alot, I went to her for advice - Most of my friends were sneaking out, lying to their Moms, drinking, experimenting, etc. and I'm not saying I didn't do those things sometimes too - but WAY less. Also, I REALLY don't agree with spying, and setting them up - they will respect you EVEN LESS! If you can't trust them, then punish them by not letting them do certain things or by not giving them spending money, etc. Also, I'm not sure if you've had that "TALK" about being sexually active - but you'd rather be safe than sorry and make sure they get on the pill and use protection... not to encourage sexual activity but to make sure that there are no accidents...
Stay strong!

If you cannot afford an alarm. I would suggest putting those sensors on the door that beep each time they are opened and closed. That would definitely put an end to it.

I love the idea the other parents suggested about getting an alarm, I had no idea they had free installation and a small monthly fee. If we pay that much a month (in a contract no less) to feel safe about them having a cell phone (so we can reach them or they can reach us in an emergency) we should be willing to pay for the "security" of a security system. It's sad to think it's to use to keep kids in more than bad people out, but you actually get to do both! I think just knowing it's there would be a deterrent. It will also be an "excuse" for her not to do it. Sometimes the peer pressure is tough on the kids. If they're able to say "I can't sneak out, my mom put an alarm in and she'll catch me," then their friends will just stop asking them to sneak out and meet them.
I also agree (as hard as it may seem) to invite the boys over your house. Let your daughter know you might not approve of them sneaking out to meet each other but she is welcome to have her friends over up until curfew time or something (10PM?)
I have a good friend who recently kicked her 15-year-old daughter out of her house for similar reasons. She was sneaking out, meeting up with boys (she was having sex and she was also drinking and not doing well in school.) I'm pretty sure my friend's daughter has Oppositional Defiant Disorder (where they just don't have any respect for ANY authority figure) but it started out like your situation. You only have a few years left with your girls. You both might have to make some compromises. There is a teen group called ACTION in the Santa Clarita Valley that might be able to help. I also know of parents that keep those home drug tests in the bathroom. Just having them there is a deterrent (and again an excuse to use with their friends) for some kids. I personally would not have them as a threat to my kids UNLESS I had reason to suspect they were actually doing it. Good luck with her. If your older daughter and her are close, maybe you can have your older daughter talk with her some too, as well as the child's father. If she knows you all have a united front against her behaving this way, she might feel like her boundaries are less of a free-for-all. I totally agree with taking the computer, cell phone, i-pod, or whatever it is that she loves away until you have full compliance. I know parents that will take the child's bedroom door right off the hinges so they have zero privacy until they can be trusted again. As Dr. Phil would say, the entire world has to stop until this child gets it.