Having a REALLY Hard Time with My 3 Year Old

Im sorry I dont have advice for you but I have an almost 3 yr old that is doing the same sort of thing - total defiance all of a sudden and we have no clue where it has come from or why she is all of a sudden acting this way. I am officially 'going grey' after this week LOL.

So sorry no advice but you are not alone with this battle

Good Luck

Hi LLLF, I've noticed kids at that age respond less to words themselves and more to tone of voice, facial expression, and body language.

I'm not sure the 'ignore and redirect' theory is going to work with what you're describing here, nor will the time honored time out.

For example, if one of my kids had used the F word, I would likely move towards them swiftly, get right down to their level, face to face, right IN their face actually, and say while holding their arm or some other hands on thing, in a VERY stern but calm voice, "We do NOT say that word". My facial expression would clearly say how I feel about this, and it's important to have your child's complete attention at that moment and for them to be looking you right in the eye.

I think it's ok for you to be 'mad' at him sometimes, especially considering you praise him when it's merited.

After it's clear he 'gets it' you immediately go back to being your loving nice mommy self.

This kind of thing always worked for my kids, for everything really. Nobody wants mom mad at them, and it creates the atmosphere that YOU are in charge, not them. Mom being mad is WAY worse then any time out or other 'punishment'.

Least that's what's worked for me.

HTH!

:)

Oh, and if he has a meltdown as a result of the 'no nonsense' you, THAT is what you completely ignore.

http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

Read this article. It is really good.
Its about how not to talk to your kids/the inverse power of praise.
It talks about academics but also, it is ultimately about praising a child and some aspects of it.

2) Sometimes, with kids like that, you cannot beat around the bush or talk all sugary or over talk them about the problem. Just be pointed. And blunt. He knows its wrong. So don't sugar coat it or over explain why its wrong or what choices he has etc. Just TELL him IT IS WRONG. You have NO choices now. This is your consequence. If you don't like it too bad. The only choice you have, is to IMPROVE your behavior. Now, you stay in your room until I tell you you can come out.

You also need to tell a child, they CANNOT MANIPULATE you or the situation and you KNOW they are trying to do that. CALL them on it.

Your method of having HIM "choose" is not working.
So don't do that anymore.
Do something else.

My son when that age was a bit difficult. He is very clever and smart. Isn't every 3 year old?
BUT so, instead of over explaining things to him or about my rules or about why he did something not acceptable... I just TOLD him THAT is wrong, you know it, you are trying to act like you don't know...BUT YOU KNOW darn well, that is wrong and it was not nice.
Now.. REDO that.
At that point, my son KNEW he could not fool me anymore nor try and manipulate me nor make any excuses. Because if he made an excuse I would tell him "THAT is just an excuse. You know it. Now, correct yourself, or you will lose a privilege."
I made things cut and dry. Because by this age, making all sugary and over explaining things, just made my son tune out. He already knew... all that stuff. A kid knows when they did wrong. So, on that premise, don't explain it. Just say it- "THAT WAS WRONG. You know it. Now, correct it. You lost your choices."
And that, worked with my son.

ease up on the 'tons' of reward and praise. overkill in either direction is too much for a 3 year old. a quiet word of approval and a smile are all that are usually called for.
don't ignore defiance! you can be very firm and no-nonsense without screaming or hitting (and good for you for not choosing those methods.) it's okay to be truly genuinely pissed at your toddler and for them to know it. my kids knew that when i went silent and tight-lipped they were in BIG trouble.
you need to address the rotten behavior swiftly and inexorably. if he calls your older son a terrible name, he immediately goes into exile and loses an important privilege. that's not acceptable and non-negotiable, and no way should it be ignored. if he starts bossing strangers, he needs to be immediately removed from their presence, with an apology.
don't give him a 'good' choice and a 'bad' choice. give him 2 good choices. the one you DON'T want him to pick should not even be on the table.
you can practice attachment parenting and still have very clear, no BS boundaries. take control of the family back, mama. he's too young to run the show.
khairete
S.

I am an attachment parenting advocate and do not shame, use physical punishment or spanking of any kind. My son at that age was extrememly well behaved and still is. Part of it is genetic. My husband is this way. So if your son is more of a rule pusher and headstrong, that is part of his personality. BUT you are the parent and you make the rules. That means it is his job to follow them and yours to enforce them. Since he is bright, he needs you to be firm and swift. If you go somewhere and he doesn't behave the way you have explained, you leave. If he doesn't listen, he loses a priviledge, immediately. Also, tell him you are not happy with his behavior. Tell him why he is not allowed to do something. Stop lavishing him with attention because he feels he can get away with anything. Give him some choices in his life but he will not choose then you choose for him and enforce it. Do not ignore bad behavior. He is 3, not 1 and needs to have very clear guidelines for appropriate behavior. I have my son help me with jobs and give him opportunities to succeed so it's not me lavishing praise on him but it's self esteem that results from accomplishments. I would say only praise your son when he works to show you that he can be the boy you know he can be.

Does he act this way for other adults, other caregivers, teachers, etc?
It sounds to me like he doesn't have any respect for you as an authority figure, and at three that is scary. He needs to know YOU are in charge, and he needs to listen.
Watch out for over praising. Kids are smart, they know they when they are being pandered to (Mr. Rogers talked about this years ago.) A quick "thank you for helping me set the table" is sufficient. You should NOT be praising for things like holding hands while crossing the street, or not swearing at his sibling. Those things are EXPECTED therefore not a choice, at this point it sounds like he knows he can either get praise or not, but he seems to know the choice is up to him.
Decide what is absolutely unacceptable and then follow through. He calls his brother the F word? Time OUT. Ignore him and do not talk to him about it until he has cooled off. Telling ADULT strangers what to do? Disrespectful (and possibly dangerous) on so many levels. Take him by the shoulders, look him in the eye and say we do not tell other people what to do unless they are hurting us or in danger, period. If he's throwing a fit, leave the store.
I'm not a spanker, and I've never had to be, but for some reason your child is in charge and you really need to change that. And be realistic about the language and other bad habits, my kids were certainly exposed to a lot of that kind of stuff as little ones but they didn't act/talk like that because WE didn't act/talk that way (at least not in front of us or any other adults, maybe each other? I don't know.)
Maybe a parenting class would help. Having some insight into what makes a three year old tick and finding out what kind of discipline could be most effective for YOUR child could be extremely helpful. Good luck!

3 is a rough age. I had a headstrong one too. Dr. Dobson has a good book "the strong willed child". You have to stay several steps ahead of him in thinking and that is exhausting. Parenting this kind of child is not for sissys.
At 3 boys get a surge of testosterone. I would tell you with all seriousness that your parenting style is not enough, IMHO. You love him and I get that but if you don't step up your game this is what 13 is going to look like. Whether that is time outs or whatever but keep looking. Have you seen Suppernanny? You are in charge....for now.

good article. i like the theory.

i also know that "waiting it out" and shrugging your shoulders and patiently waiting for her consequence to reveal itself later is not always realistic.

unfortunately - i don't have any "attachment parenting" or "positive reinforcement" methods either.

imo there are times that your child really has to know that 'because i said so' really does count. mean mommy voice, swat, whatever the method....holding hands in the parking lot is one example. that is a safety issue. if he doesn't cooperate i carry him, end of story. if he struggles (and they can struggle so much it's impossible to carry them) then as soon as i can drag him to the sidewalk, it's a firm no-nonsense swat. i save it for a last resort, but when i do, it is with plenty of warnings and it is serious. don't remember the last time i had to actually (he's 6 now). normally we just use time out and that is perfectly fine.

i think there are great things about the methods listed above. but i also think that it's a little idealistic. i think there are a lot of ideas that sound great when your child is little that you think you will do...but then sometimes it takes a big person to realize that our methods don't work. so sometimes you have to regroup and look for alternatives. which you are doing! so good luck, i hope someone has a brilliant strategy for you.

My son, who will be 4 in a couple days, likes to try to tell me he is not going to clean something up. We clean together, usually, but he will sometimes pull a "that's M.'s job." Well, you bet HE will be cleaning up whatever he told me is my job, even if it takes him all day and he looses his privilidges (video games, leappad etc).

If he is acting out when you go out, you need to leave immediately. Tell him before you go that if he does whatever behavior you don't like, you will leave. Be specific. Take a trip to the library (or somewhere he enjoys) for the sole purpose of reinforcing this. Right before you enter, say "Joey, if you yell in the library, we will have to leave right away because that behavior is not allowed." Then go to the library and wait for it. As soon as it happens, take his hand and lead him out the door with no books. When you are outside you remind him of what you said.

Two things - make sure it's a place he enjoys going to. If he hates going to the the grocery store with you and you leave as soon as he screams, he will do it every time to get out of it. You have to find his currency at each place. For my kids, if they don't behave in the grocery store, there are no treats, or the treats they already picked out are put away. Also, it gives you leverage because you can say "remember when we had to leave the library because you didn't listen to M.."

As for talking to people and telling them what to buy. I'd just laugh it off with the person and be sure to tell your son, where they can hear, that everyone can buy what they like and we need to pick out only our food.

The swearing has to be addressed every time. What is his currency? Video games, TV time, a favorite toy. It needs to be taken away. Have one conversation with him, then start the consequences. You need to be a good example too and not say them yourself - even a slip.

The bottom line here is consequences for behavior choices (good and bad), and CONSISTENCY. Pick your battles, but you must win and you must be consistent. Praise the good behavior, but within reason.

You cannot reason with a 3 year old because you can never win. At this stage, it simply has to be because you said. Period. You can get into explanations when he's old enough to understand them.

It sounds like you are way to easy on him. I know people say just ignore unwanted behavior, but I really don't get how that teaches the kid not to continue/repeat the behavior. In my mind, the kid is thinking I did it once, it went okay, no one complained so I'll do it again. I think you have to acknowledge the negative so you can teach.

As for the swearing, how much is he around this person at your other son's school and who is this person who is swearing while he/she is at the school? And if you are hearing it then why aren't you telling this person to please control their language since you are at a school. That just doesn't make much sense to me. He's either at the school unsupervised way too much or he's hearing it somewhere else.

As for telling people what to buy/not to buy, he can only be learning that from you. You need to back off a bit trying to explain what you buy and why until he's a bit older and can control/filter himself. He doesn't need to know all the why's and wherefores right now and as you can see, it is detrimental at this point because he has no idea what he's talking about or how what he says affects other people.

Check out this article about disciplining 3 yos that was in our paper today. I love this guy-he has the best old-school parenting advice.

http://triblive.com/lifestyles/2718177-74/child-refuses-d...

Okay, first off...if you're going to offer choices you must always offer two choices that you, the adults, are fine with. If you try to offer a "carrot", so to speak, your kid will always pick the one you don't want them to pick. So one of the keys to this method is only offer things you are can deal with.

Other than that, I have to say I can't really offer that much good advice! ;) My son just turned 3 and is very similar. He never really wants to clean up, follow directions, etc. If it's a clean up job I help him do it and will hand him toys and tell him to put them away. It's all about baby steps. My son also does not like time out one bit. He wants to be part of the action and if he's removed from the situation he is devastated. I give him a warning and that helps a lot of the time and will usually produce a prompt response, but if not he goes to time out and then is very cooperative after that.

Also, try and capitalize on those times when he is happy and wanting to help. Praise him for helping, following directions, doing such a good job, etc. so that when you are trying to coax him to do something it will be a little easier.

Sorry about your problems with the little baby .It's hard but it's important to tell them when they are wrong.I agree no physical punishment,just speak in whispers.Dont scream it doesn't help you or the child.
Little children love to see a mother all dressed up,looking good,wearing jewlery.Impress your child with the colors you wear ,he should take interest In you ,in order to respect you enough to remember what you said.
Best wishes

Have you ever spoken to your son's pediatrician about his behavior? Maybe his doctor can help. He sounds like a great kid if you can help him with his misbehavior.