Having a Hard Time Connecting with 6 Year Old Daughter

My guess is that she is freaking out about all of the changes, and since you are not there all the time, she is needing to know that you are still there for her, that you will always be there for her, and that you love her more than anything and always will.

When she starts to lose control, instead of sitting there, you could try to give her a big huge bear hug while you tell her you love her. If that is too dangerous, then don't obviously. We had the same problem with my daughter and so we put in story time just she and I, on the couch or bed. Let her know that you know she needs more time with you and so you would like to make sure you have quality time together. This will do a couple of things: it will let her know that she still matters to you, and it will help her feel secure becuase she gets personal time consistently. It will also help her sleep better. When you wake her up in the morning, she gets to know that you are there at the beginning and end of the day, so you always come back.

good luck. I feel for you, but am very proud of you for protecting your family.

Marla had some really nice things to suggest. I would add, give her a lot of positive touches, even when she's not looking at or talking to you. Gentle, positive touch is a very strong reinforcement of one's worth. Squeezing her shoulder, tousling her hair, a kiss on the head, rubbing her back--- all of these tell her, without words-- I see you, I notice you, you are important to me.

One thing I read in your post which stood out for me: I would strongly encourage you to disconnect your associating your six year old's acting out behavior with your ex's behavior. This is really, really important. Disconnect the two as soon as you possibly can. Your daughter is reeling emotionally, a young person, not really at an age where she can regulate/de-escalate her emotions on her own and 'be the bigger person'. As a child who experienced divorce myself, it is a big "NOTHING IS FAIR" at a time when kids are really hyperfocused on fairness. She's finding fault in all of the 'safe' things to find fault in. It is easier for her (socially) to say "the milk is too cold" than it is to say "I'm mad because my life just got turned upside down and the fact that something simple like milk wasn't what I expected only makes me feel things are that much more unpredictable." So, do try to reframe your thoughts-- she's not being 'like her dad' (who was an adult and who could control himself if he *chose* to, etc.), but "she's her own little person who is dealing with monumental changes."

It's obvious that you are doing the best you can in this situation. Give her some one on one whenever you can, even if it's the 20 minutes of bedtime together. As much non-verbal, positive physical interaction. It only takes a minute to put a little card or note in her folder or lunchbox--- wherever she can find it. When she makes it through a tough moment without a tantrum, praise her. "I saw that even though you were mad, you decided to talk to me about it calmly... I really appreciated that. I'm glad we were able to solve the problem." Give her good feedback when she does well--not just 'good job on not getting upset'-- but really use the language to focus on what she did which was helpful for you.

Last-- We have friends at the school who are going through a divorce as well. Their usually sunny kids have been more moody and fretful at pickups, giving mom attitude, etc. I am just mentioning this so you don't think this is all about you or something you are doing wrong. It just happens. Much like bringing a new baby home-- some kids roll with the punches, some emotionally shut down, and some really let everyone know that they are not happy with the situation. So, try to disconnect your daughter's outbursts from whatever felt traumatic for you in your marriage- do talk to someone about that (because that comparison can erode relationships) and do make a routine time for her each day.

I agree with Jubee - make some her time. At night, go into her room (or wherever) get into PJs and chat. How was school? How's it going with math? And just talk - 10 minutes is all it will take. And you can talk about your day, too. If you do this every night soon you'll be talking more openly and honestly. Just give it some time. And the school counselor will help a lot, too.

Good luck.

It all sounds normal given the circumstances. Sometimes, things are just hard but they won't stay that way. Things will even out and you can rebuild a new "normal". Be good to yourself, give it time and my best piece of advice is to use your car time to regroup. When the kids are with you use the time to build your relationship with them (no radio or TV) and when you're alone pray, regroup and enjoy the quiet. Wishing you the best life has....

Start putting little bro to bed earlier than his sis. Make sure that you spend time with her in the evening just snuggling and tell her that everything will be okay.

You have to learn how to deal with her behavior and help her get past this. I would tell her that when she throws a fit,she's going to get consequences. You know she's having a rough time, but that is no excuse for poor behavior choices. Teach her how to use her words to express her feelings or have her draw pictures.

Does the school have a social worker? You should talk to that person to get some tips.

Good luck.

Remember, she is just that....6...You will connect with her when you sit down and let her pick the DVD of her choice and you watch it together. When you let her know that she has earned a play date with you at the park. You have to be creative at this age. I went through the same thing and you have to let her know she is special. She is in total turmoil right now, not being able to understand why she is losing one of you, but don't let her feel like she is losing one of you. It is up to you to keep their life as sane, and routine and consistant as possible and once they see that, this too shall pass.

You are justifiably WORN out. Your daughter is justifiably acting out.

At this point, seriously choose your battles. Let a lot of stuff go, because most of it isn't worth arguing with a six year old over. Let her wear what she wants, eat what she wants -- anything to make your life easier. Only engage in a battle when absolutely necessary.

Then, try to give her some excessive cuddling lovey time -- even a few minutes -- a couple of times a day. She's suffering, and you are bearing the brunt of it. It's hard to keep your patience, I know, but she's just a baby.

I hope I can re-assure you somehow. I have a 5.5 yr old daughter middle child, she's a very strong character like girl, innocent but can be a hand ful at times. Recently, I have noticed the same thing. I try to come to compromises with her, but sometimes I just have to hold my ground and not fudge. And let me tell you, the battle is on. Its mostly about wearing these leggings or those, boots vs. shoes, tops and so on. Morning battles are usually the struggles, she's refused to wear jeans of any kind. I have to belief its the age. I try to talk to her and explain to her some things she says are not acceptable, her tone, words etc and I let her know that, she understands at times.... so try to take it easy, talk to her, but when she really pushes the limit hold your ground and let her know she cannot treat you that way!! hope this helps! good luck. you're not the only one, you're going through a lot! hold tight, you're such a strong woman! :)))

Feeling disconnected from a child can be a symptom of depression and with all those stressors it is not surprising that you could be experiencing it. Children experience disorganized behavior when their parent is depressed. Get some support so you can get back into better attunement with her. She needs some help with emotional regulation, but you will need to increase your stress reduction and become more calm first. Self care increases the ability to weather life's stresses and we are the ones who help to provide equilibrium.

It is so great that you recognized that the problem is connection. There is a really great parenting website called handinhandparenting.org and they have lots of articles about how to get through difficult patches with your children. Their basic premise is that your children have to beconnected in order to operate their best selves, basically.

I think some of it is typical 6 year old behavior as my son can have days where he acts the same way but it's just highlighted because of your stress level. I do think she could use some one on one time. If you can take a morning to take her to breakfast and the library while some one watches your son to give her some extra attention and love and a chance to talk might help. Also give her some responsibility. it shouldn't be a lot of responsibility but if she's complaining about how you make her breakfast, let her start making her own cereal in the morning. Don't throw it in her face when you are in the heated argument instead sit down one night after dinner and say from now on you will be able to do x,y,z and if you need help please ask me nicely to help and i will. I keep our milk and cereal in reach of my son and he is welcome to make his own breakfast most mornings (some mornings we do eggs and he's not allowed to use the stove). I'd also look into some type of counseling or family support center for all of you. You'll meet other parents in the same boat and your kids will have an opportunity to release to a trained adult.

I've been trying to find ways to get closer to my 11 yr old daughter. We too, have always had a difficult relationship. She has a lot of resentment issues towards her younger brothers, especially the middle one. Recently I've tried making sure the boys are in bed earlier than she is, so we can have some time together one on one. Usually she gets in my bed with me, and brings her book and we read together, or sometimes we chat. I think she really appreciates this special time with just me.

It sounds like you don't have much time at all, but maybe if you can even spend 15-20 minutes with her every night before bed, it would help. Take turns reading from her favorite book, talk about her day.

As for her screaming and tantrums, I always recommend Love and Logic. It's a great parenting resource. When/if my daughter yells at me, I always say "I will be ready to listen when you can talk to me in a calm voice". If she tries to argue with me, I say "I love you too much to argue with you", and I refuse to argue back. Another thing L&L recommends is offering two choices that you can live with in almost every situation. "Do you want orange juice or milk? Do you want the green cup or the red cup? Do you want to wear this skirt or those pants?" This way, the child feels like they're in control and making decisions for themselves and it helps to preempt the battles and arguments.

I hope things get better for you. This too shall pass!

Updated

I've been trying to find ways to get closer to my 11 yr old daughter. We too, have always had a difficult relationship. She has a lot of resentment issues towards her younger brothers, especially the middle one. Recently I've tried making sure the boys are in bed earlier than she is, so we can have some time together one on one. Usually she gets in my bed with me, and brings her book and we read together, or sometimes we chat. I think she really appreciates this special time with just me.

It sounds like you don't have much time at all, but maybe if you can even spend 15-20 minutes with her every night before bed, it would help. Take turns reading from her favorite book, talk about her day.

As for her screaming and tantrums, I always recommend Love and Logic. It's a great parenting resource. When/if my daughter yells at me, I always say "I will be ready to listen when you can talk to me in a calm voice". If she tries to argue with me, I say "I love you too much to argue with you", and I refuse to argue back. Another thing L&L recommends is offering two choices that you can live with in almost every situation. "Do you want orange juice or milk? Do you want the green cup or the red cup? Do you want to wear this skirt or those pants?" This way, the child feels like they're in control and making decisions for themselves and it helps to preempt the battles and arguments.

I hope things get better for you. This too shall pass!

Cali-

Sounds like you all have a lot on your plate. What resonated with me is that you are so drained all the time that you don't know where to get more energy to do something.

Cut corner where you can for now to win that extra time/ comfort. Use paper plates, frozen veg, scramble some eggs for dinner, use the crockpot, use the laundry service, lunchables, juice boxes, etc. Get some catch up sleep when she/ the kids are with dad. Take a sleep aid if need be. baths can be every other day, or every third day even.

Also, speak with your family, be sure that you have their support to discipline your children in their home, even if, initially it will give rise to a bigger outburst. She needs guidance thruogh these tough times.

Best,
F. B.

I feel your pain; I'm in the same boat. In the middle of a nasty divorce, with a custody battle looming. Financial struggles. Dependent on family. Absolutely no downtime. It sucks. It sucks donkey balls.

My kiddo got really sad and moody, too. I don't blame him. For one thing, my ex was scary and kiddo had some scary experiences with ex. But for another, the whole situation just rocked his tiny world.

I found a fabulous counseling center that only treats children and adolescents. For my kiddo, since he's so young, it's total play therapy. I imagine it would be mostly play therapy for a 6 year old, too. He's only been a couple of times so far, but I can really see a difference.

His therapist is great on involving me, too, and giving me parenting tips and suggestions for making this transition easier. He suggested two books, which I read, and found very helpful. You might be interested in them. One is the old standby: "How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk," by Faber and Mazlish, and the other is "Freeing your child from anxiety, Powerful, practical solutions to overcome your child's fears, worries, and phobias," by Tamar Ellsas Chansky.

Of course, counseling for yourself would help too, if for no other reason than to give yourself 50 minutes of time every week that's dedicated to you.

Best of luck. Everyone assures me that someday it will get better. You and I can hope for that together.