Have You Terminated a Long Friendship?

I have let friendships die and I have confronted and ended friendships. Drifting is less confrontational, but some don't get the hint.
I will be honest, I don't regret any for different reasons.
I was really worried about dropping 3 M. buddies at the same time, but now I am available to spend time with moms I get along with and agree with. I am much happier, drama free, and glad I did it.

Yes, because she was a psycho. ( you can't hide crazy forever). And I feel wonderful for ending the friendship.

Absolutely. I only have so much time in a day. I don't have time for people who are not at least similiar in thinking along the same value lines - and no one yells at my kids but me. So I wouldn't think twice about it. People change and grow, and sometimes not always in the same direction.

Yes, I had a friend that I had know since kindergarten. We both ended up having girls the same age. Little things started happening at first that irked me but it wasn't a big deal. For instance, I bought her a baby shower gift but she didn't give my anything. She had more money than me at the time so it stung a little but it wasn't a big deal so I ignored it. Then other things started happening like she would only call me when she wanted something and she was doing the same to another friend of ours who ended up feeling used and dumped her as a friend. I continued to be friends with her for a few years. But things just kept getting worse. She was not living by the same set of standards that I was and she even started lying to me about things. So I moved and didn't give her my address, phone number, etc. and prayed that I wouldn't run into her anywhere. I have had nightmares about running into her. Now flash forward 8 years, I just heard from a mutual acquantiance that she had her three children taken away by CPS! This acquantiance is trying to help her get her life back together but she's been telling me she seems to be a "lost cause". So I know I made the right decision.

Do what you feel is best for you and your children.

I had to cut someone terribly toxic from my life. It took a long time to disentangle myself but it was worth it! It was better for me and better for my family. I don't miss her at all and I don't have any regrets about ending the friendship. That may sound callous, but it was an extreme situation.

I wish you the best in this situation.

Toxic people (friends and/or family) are best in small doses.

I think that when there begins to be regular amounts of conflict and drama in friendships, you need to cut them loose. It has taken me a long time to come to that mindset. I used to be the opposite. I would cling to friendships, my friends were like family to me and I held this unrealistic belief that most of them would go on forever. I held friendship to be almost sacred, and for that reason, I wouldn't give up on a friend just because we were going through some growing pains, or having conflict, or they were having problems.

I still value my friends highly but I also no longer have the space in my life emotionally or the time for drama. Plus I had to realize later in life than most that the majority of folks did not view friendships with the same regard as I did, and as result I tended to get used, or hurt, or was left feeling taken for granted way too often. Leads to a lot of resentment, which I loved to blame others for, but ...hey. I was foolish. The majority of my best friends that I had known the longest have all exited my life in the past few years, starting around the time that I met my husband and had a child. The ones I remain close to live far away.

For me it has been one of the hardest parts of becoming a mom, and I'm still mourning the loss of my social life and having a group of girlfriends that I really loved. But I know in my heart it happened for a reason, and I will eventually make new, better friends. I may have even started doing that, but we'll see. Bitter experience has taught me to be skeptical. Sorry, I'm getting morose and kind of went off on a tangent :)

To answer your question, yes I do still miss some of my former friends a great deal and think of them often. Mostly, I wonder how they are doing and hope they are doing well. There is like a loving curiosity always there. In some cases, it is still painful even years later. However, there is no regret on my part for making the decision to end these friendships and in the one instance where my former friend ditched me, I think she did me a favor. I think whenever you get that feeling of dread over talking to your friend, or seeing her is always stressful, then you know distance is certainly needed. I like your idea of starting to create a boundary and then you can decide once you've had some space if it feels right. There doesn't need to be a big confrontation or "talk," as much as we fantasize about this kind of closure, it can wind up being hurtful and critical. Sometimes it is better for years to go by before having that kind of talk, or not at all. Unless you both happen to be exceptionally mature, communicative, open self-reflective people. Let's face it, most of us are not quite there (but we try!)
I wish you luck.

Yes, people change. It's like ending a marriage almost...and the things you'll miss are things from the good times. There probalby won't be anything you miss from most recently, before she changed into a different person. Good luck! Be strong and find new friendships. We are constantly changing and growing and that means are relationships change as well.

Yes. cut off a 15 yr friendship years ago due to behavior issues and drifting in different directions. Do I regret it...no, not at all...was the best decision I ever made. I think its important to re-evaluate friendships as often as you need too. I'm still friends with my best friend from school for over 25 years; we have a lot in common seen each other through lifes ups and downs and still are going strong through lifes changes. Some friendships just aren't meant to last; they are just temporary. Accept them for what they were and look forward to the ones that with stand the test of time.

I have two best friends for life. You know, the people you call "True Friends." I love them like they are my sisters so I never see us not being friends.
But, I only see them about once a month. Unfortunately with our lives and schedules thats all we have time for.
If you are not liking her parenting style, or not liking your kids together, its ok to get together with her, without children.
A little distance can do wonders if you are butting heads.
I am afraid for you that if you just end the friendship there could be some real hard feelings and unwanted drama. You dont have to hang out with her all the time, but there is no sense in her becoming an enemy either. Maybe just do dinner, the two of you once a month?

I've been there. My particular friend & I grew up across the street from each other. Our birthdays are almost exactly 6 months apart. We went to different schools & just had different circles once I joined her in public school. After graduation we weren't close, but once we did find each other again it lasted for about 15 years.

What broke us apart is me getting seperated from my 1st husband & finally getting a divorce. Although she agreed with me on many of the reasons to proceed, she wasn't really there to support me.

What broke the final straw on the camel's back was me telling her about a new artificial tree we got and how we came to buy it. (My 2nd husband & I spent too much money on it - I felt lucky just finding one in stock) It was ridiculous, I thought.

But now after 5, almost 6 years of not having her in my life I ache for what I lost. I know it won't ever be the same.

I think you are right to put distance between you and your friend. If she is yelling at your child there might be something more to how you both feel. That's not normal. But be careful what you wish for.

Good luck. You sound like a good person... : ) These are not easy shoes to be in.

Yes...I met a woman from my neighborhood when I was pregnant. We both showed up at the same Lamaze class. Found out we were both high-risk. Both went to same denomination church! We were due days apart...sounds like a natural friendship, huh?

Her twins were born 10 days before my daughter. I went over & held them...she was one of the few who came to hospital when my daughter was there for 6 months.

I finally got to take my daughter home. When we would visit, she would make remarks about me "spoiling" my daughter, for instance, b/c I would rock her to sleep (I understood why she could NOT do stuff like that with twins). My daughter would've pulled on her ostomy bag had she been awake in her crib! Ugh, saw her do that in the hospital; believe me, the result was gross.

Stuff like that. She also told me something her husband did that was not horribly illegal but definitely unethical.

She moved. Got invited to her twins' 2nd birthday party. Car died that same day for some reason. Problem solved...just never bothered with her anymore.

The only regret is that when* I friended a pastor from our old city....saw on facebook that she was a friend of his too! After thinking it over, decided not to "go there." * did not regret friending the pastor!

Yes. A good friend from HS had jealousy issues and her behavior through the years was getting more intolerable, so I summoned the courage (I am normally a non-confronational person) and called her up to end things. A few things triggered this and I was telling my husband how incredibly hurt I was and how being "friends" with her was dragging my mood down (which is probably what she wanted.) I called her out on these events, gave her a chance to explain, I told her I was done with her, she cried, I hung up. I felt very proud of myself and for years we never spoke. The invention of Facebook has brought her back into my life after many years, and we are again friends, but we don't live in the same city so our friendship is mostly online. I have forgiven her and am fine with the relationship we have now.

I agree with Lisa R. that friends have drifted away from me on occassion and I'm dumbfounded as to why. That's why I would defintely explain to her your feelings and that you've made the decision to spend time away from your friendship. Adult friendships are SO complicated. If you don't feel happy with her as a "friend" let her know and move on. Good luck!

i had friend that was just drama- with her mom, her boyfriend(s) I was maid of honor at her wedding that lasted almost 6 months It finally just got the point where I couldn't deal with her anymore. I stopped calling her made up a few stories as to why I couldnt make parties or girls nights. Eventually she just faded away and latched on to someone else. She reappears about every 3 years generally because she needs something- last time she called she had just broken up with another boyfriend moved back in with her mom and needed somewhere to have her daughters birthday party- she wanted to use my pool and yard. I told her to call me and let me know the details and we would talk... still ha vent heard back. I dont regret fading away from her I dont need the drama and the baggage that she brings. If your friend is more of a weight on you than a friend just fade away, it will be a little awkward but you might be better off.

YES. Was friends with someone for over 15 years. Got to be too much negativity and she had a "poor me" mentality all the time. Don't regret it one single, solitary bit.

As a person that people have drifted away from...I have always wondered WHY???? So my suggestion is to tell her why you have decided to have space. Once I confronted my ex-friend and she FINALLY told me why and it made me feel better. It sucks to not understand WHY someone is drifting away. Honesty is the BEST policy.

As someone who's been on the receiving end of this (i.e. played the part of your friend in this scenario), I can tell you what not to do. Don't pussy-foot around the issues - be upfront and honest, rather than just distancing yourself by not returning phone calls, emails, etc. Believe me, it will be easier in the long run if you can just tell her that you feel like you've drifted apart recently, have developed separate interests, etc. As painful a conversation as it might be, hopefully it will enable you both to maintain a civil relationship in the long run, especially if you will see her on occasion. Ultimately, you need to do what feels right to you - Good luck!

YES. There is a friend of mine, or should i say former friend?, who i grew up with all through elementary school and high school. towards the end of high school, i had switched schools twice by tenth grade, and she had switched schools once, so we weren't at the same school but tried to keep in touch. In Jr. High, her parents divorced and she took it hard. SHe blames her mom for everything, which is just not true. We've had fights over that, and over religion - she's catholic, i'm a non-believer. When I got married and had a baby, she tried to tell me I should be a perfect little housewife, doing everything around the house and taking care of the kid (I am a SAHM), and telling me how when she heard I was getting married she automatically wanted to hate my husband - even though she had never met him ever. She's never explained that one to me. I know it's because of her father that she thinks i should be the 1920's version of a housewife - she still lives with her father and is basically doing exactly what she told me i should be doing. She calls every once in a while to see how we're doing, but i never answer or return her calls. There are just too many differences between us, and her not liking my husband for no reason just doesnt sit right with me. I think she finally got the hint last year when i didn't call her back, since she hasn't called and I declined her friend request on facebook as well.

That was really long, sorry, but in essence, there are some really good reasons to break off a long-time friendship and it sounds like you might be at that point, too. I don't regret it at all, as i've made lots of other friends over the years.

I have terminated several friendships mostly because these friends have become so extrememly selfish. Our conversations are only about them or they only contact me when they need a favor. They never return my phone calls or emails, but will still end up calling when they need something. I finally got fed up, ended the friendships and have to say that I never missed them.

I have, I'm not going to get into specifics about the situation (long) and I don't regret it.

Yes. I had a friend who was always a little "off" and let's just say that a combination of issues lead us to end the friendship several years ago. We were drifting apart anyway and then she did something that affected my kids and that was enough. We decided to quit associating with her. I don't miss her. We don't run in the same circles, so we I don't think I've run into her in all that time.

I think there are times in life when you "inherit" friends from a particular group or situation (like school) and later you weed out the superficial or unhealthy ones. I'm still friends with several people I knew way back when but not every friendship, for many reasons, is meant to last. Surround yourself with quality people, not quantity.

Yes. I found myself in the exact same situation you seem to be in and the friendship ended. I wish I would have had enough insight at the time to just let it drift apart, but I didn't and let it keep plugging along until we finally had a very hurtful (on both parts) confrontation. I think you have the right idea because later on if you're able to "drift" back together you won't have the reminder of a hurtful fight which is where you're inevitably heading.

Yep.
I just stopped making an effort in the friendship, and we drifted apart.
I have no regrets. I have 2 small kids, and I'm not a drama person. So removing one of the main drama factors from my life had such a calming effect. Less stress, less frustration.

You don't need to formally break up with her. Just stop committing to dates. If she eventually asks you about it, then you can tell her that you're just not on the same page anymore. Remaining unemotional about it is the best approach, if you can.

I discontinue a friendship because usually they are toxic to me. I have rarely regretted it and if I have it was something I did pretty young. Many times friendships naturally drift apart over time...you can certainly work toward this end. You can stop arranging playdates and if she asks, you can tell her why if you think this would help bridge the gap in the friendship. My hunch is if she were a good friend, you would have already had this conversation. Sorry this is happening. I know the ending of a friendship can be sad.

I have had a friend for 21 years. She has changed so much it is unreal. I get that when you have kids you grow up, but it's more. She has the I don't judge additude, although all she does is judge. I realized that the only time she acted laid back and normal was when she was drinking which wasn't very often. She over the years built this huge wall that no one can see over. Really, I realized I was carrying the friendship for many years calling, e-mailing. For every 5 words she would say 1. I realized that I was hurt by the fact that we couldn't talk about life without her feeling in some way defensive so I have backed off big time. I care about her and her family but, it seemed that I was annoying or burdening her when I would call. I actually had a talk with her before I backed off and it did nothing but cause more tension, although she claimed I was her one and only true friend, her best friend. I guess my point is sometimes people change, grow apart and it's ok to just drift. If you feel the friendship is worth talking about it then do so otherwise just stop contacting her and it will take care of itself. Not sure what the situation was that caused her to yell at your child but that is not acceptable as far as I am concerned.

Well, I had to cut off a friend of 2 years. Not as long as yours, but the red flags were there early on. I finally got the balls to tell her off. She didn't like that. I didn't care. She proved exactly why I needed to move on from her. She shacked up too young & wanted to act like a single person at 30. She wanted to party & drink & stay out till 2 in the morning. I didn't. No regrets, no cringing when the phone rings, no more of her kids torturing my kid & her not doing anything about it, no more of her irrational, controlling b.s. I feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders, and I can breathe.

I'm glad you recognize that you can't change other people.

I've sometimes had friendships fade away and dissolve - because of distance, because of changed values, because of personalities, because of... anything. It's not very unusual for a friendship to fade - or screech - to level of an acquaintance.

On the other hand, there are friends I may actually see once in a *decade*, but when we're together it's as if we live next door and saw one another only yesterday.

There's a saying: "I don't miss her... I miss who I thought she was."

It can be good to distance yourself from a distressing person. You may shed a few tears thinking about it, but don't be afraid. You have to start being just too busy (and really get busy - it will help). Arrange other play dates. Get yourself and your child out of the house, involved in other places and with other people. Don't let yourself get into discussions about the past until you can do it without rancor.

The important thing, however, is to refuse to become bitter. Bitterness - unforgiving anger - can dig into your soul, and that's worse than a yelling friend. Don't talk about her behind her back. Don't stew. Don't hold a grudge. "I can't handle this relationship so I'm backing off. It's too bad, because we had some good times, but I hope she'll do better later on." Distance yourself, but try to think well of this woman for the sake of your past friendship, your own selfhood, and the example you are going to be setting your child.

As much as I care about one of my friends she is friends with another woman I know who is toxic. Because that has impacted me I have put a subtle distance between us. It's hard when you care about people but you have to do what's best for you and your family. We need to surround ourselves with friends and family that want to build us up not and be healthy not toxic. I think you have your answer :)

Based on what you've said about your friend, if I were in your shoes, I'd just start seeing less and less of her until you completely drift apart.
Sorry you're in this situation- I know it's not easy.