Have You Ever Had a Friendship Break Apart?

Yes, this has happened to me. It still makes me sad even though it has been nearly 8 years since we have talked and we have been friends for almost double that time. I too don't know what happened. I am coming to the conclusion that I just need to move on. I feel that if you have tried everything you could to reconnect with someone and it still isn't working then it is time to move on. By that point, the other person has to do their part. You can keep on trying but it does get exhausting if their is no progress in the friendship, or lack thereof. I have chosen to move on and focus on the great friends that I do have.

I was never lucky enough to have this girlfriend relationship so I say go get her tell her how you feel and if it isnt enough to open the communication then it is time to let her go.

Yes. This happened about 9 months ago with my best friend from college. We were best friends for 14 years. We live in different states, but would talk almost daily. She started becoming more distant when I got pregnant with my third baby. She desperately wanted children but her hubby did not. I just think she couldn't handle it. I confronted her, she blew me off and then cut off all contact. It's only been 9 months, but I am still very sad. I've often thought about contacting her again, but I know things will never be the same. I have since found out that she is pregnant.

Hi,

I completely understand how you feel. I had a similar situation happen with my best friend and I didn't know what I had did either. When I really got down to figuring out what went wrong, I came to the conclusion that we just grew apart. Some friendships are life-long, others are for a short time. You may have done nothing or something, you will probably never know. But what you can learn from this is that all relationships are give and take when one or the other grows in a different direction, it changes the dynamic of the relationship balance. Some relationships end because you out grow them or grow in another way. If it makes you feel better to write a letter, do that--but if not, I would try to let this go and forgive yourself for the relationship ending-you didn't do anything wrong, but it may help you to just put this behind you if you forgive yourself for any tiny thing of the past.

Best wishes! I know its painful.

M

This happened with a good friend I had from work when I was right out of college. We were best friends for a couple of years. One day she said she thought she knew me but I'm a completely different person than who she thought I was. huh? I think she had an idealized version in her mind of who she thought I was and when she saw reality - oh well.

With your friend she either heard something that wasn't true (that you were the reason her boyfriend broke up with her, or that you said something about her that she couldn't forgive you for, etc.) Consider also that some people have mental illnesses that are not so big that they can't function in life, but big enough that it impacts their interpersonal relationships. Many, many times a mental health problem comes up in a person's late teens / early 20's - right around college age. It's bound to come up if it's there - and some people think it's the stresses of college, etc - but it's probably just when it manifests itself - as a person becomes a young adult and no longer has a parent guiding their actions, and they begin to make adult decisions etc. There are a lot of "high-functioning" people out there with mental health problems. Sometimes they realize it and get help and sometimes they don't and they just end up being the weird person who doesn't have many friends because she alienates them. (or she becomes the neighborhood cat lady...!)
I'd say send a letter and see what happens. Don't be surprised if you don't get the response you're hoping for - but try it anyway.

I had the exact same scenario with my child hood best frined. We were together thick as thieves from the time we were 5 and up through our divorces. Then suddenly ice. I tried and tried to reach out to her. Calls stopping by the house, cards in her mailbox, nothing. Than a good 10 years later she messaged me on Myspace a very rude little - glad to see you're happy, hope you haven't tried to steal anybodys husband lately or something to that affect. I was like.....uh what? She messaged me that I had come on to her husband. What was my cd of slow songs doing in her cd player ,etc etc. I had babysat her kids so they could go on a date and brought a cd in from the car. But good lord, I never came on to her husband. Well, there was no convincing her otherwise, but at least I could put it behind me because I didn't have to wonder what happened all the time. Now I know and I can move on. While I hate being slandered like that, its a great relief to at least know.

Yes. My childhood bestfriend did that to me. Mine happened a little earlier. We became best friends in 4th grade. By 10 grade she decided she didn't want to be friends anymore. It was a gradual drifting. Summer before 10th grade I didn't get a single phone call from her. Nothing. By the time HS started in the 10 grade I didn't even exist to her. At that time I never knew what I did. I was so hurt and cried a lot when I was by myself. During the summer I was just angry that she left me so to speak. I actually grew to hate her cause she hurt me so bad. I got a letter from her about 8 years out of highschool just seeing how I was doing. I was shocked but It was nice to hear from her but odd. Gradually we started talking but things were never the same. She told me that she was depressed during that time and it was tough being a teenager and what not. I still dont' know what the real deal was. I think she just grew apart from me and was looking to find herself and I didn't fit in the world she wanted. We talk via email about twice a year but nothing too deep. I think I'm the one who keeps distance. I wish we could have stayed friends all this time. We have a shared history of being raised in the same neighborhood and our parents know each other.

Please read this poem called: "Let It Go" - I read it whenever I need to move on.

http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/The-Healing-Library/Let-it-...

Yes, it has happened to me.
My best friend and I moved in together after highschool, and about a year after that I moved out. It was a combo of things. She started dating a few different guys, I (at the time) started dating my ex-husband and she didn't like him. I felt at times she was trying to act more like a mother to me then a friend. It just fell apart from there.
We had a few mutual friends and whenever they were in town and they all wanted to get together I wouldnt go. I didn't want to see her or socialize with her. She had said some pretty rude, mean and unbelievable things during the move out process. Including having her family come over to watch me move because she wanted to make sure I didn't take anything of hers and that really was the cherry on top.
I was careful not to run into her as we still lived in the same town. Low and behold the day of her wedding I ran into her at the nail salon. I was quiet, avoided lengthy conversation. She had told me she tried to get in contact with me because she wanted me to be her maid of honor, and couldn't picture anyone else. I *still* wasn't ready to let it go.
About a year ago she found me on myspace and wrote me a long letter. She admitted her faults and wrongs, and her emotions at the time (single mom, no money, very worried and stressed, etc) and in her letter I realized that her intentions were good, she just didn't know how to effectively express her concerns, feelings, etc. I also wasn't an angel and had my faults too in this. After reading this letter I just sort of decided I had held onto this long enough.
We're talking now, mostly through text. I am happy to be in contact with her, although we aren't as close as we once were. It's nice re-getting to know her as we both have changed...it had been 9 years.
I don't know what advice to give you. It took a lot of courage for my friend to write that letter, but it did bring us back together. Don't feel silly for feeling the way you do, you miss your friend. I guess the question I would ask myself is....would I rather sit here and never know why the friendship fell apart, or take teh chance at contacting her and dealing with whatever response she might give me.
Good Luck, and Hang in there.

I "broke up" with my best friend of 8 years amost 6 years ago. She was very much like a sister to me and she was my matron of honor in my wedding. Unlike your situation, I know what happened. My husband and I went on vacation with her and her husband. Her husband had a drug/alcohol problem and he got pretty messed up one day, we all got in a fight, and we ended up leaving several days early. The fight wasn't even between the two of us (more me, my hubby, and her hubby), but I understood why we never spoke again- she felt she had to side with her hubby. Sad thing is, they ended up divorcing and her life took a very sad turn (she got into trouble with the law). Even now, I still miss her and wish that we were still friends. Its hard to loose a friend and I imagine that it would be even harder if I didn't know why. Hang in there.

Yes it totally has happened to me and it feels awful! The only thing I have been able to do is either just let it go, or try and talk to the friend. In one case I just had to let it go because she would never say what happened, so I just had to move on. In another case, we finally talked, and it was nothing to do with me, but it was awhile before we ever talked. This has been years so I am thinking your best bet is to move on, or to start approaching her and just saying hi, how are you? when you see her and see what the response is. It could be something as silly as she thinks it's you who's ignoring her to something deep she will never talk about. If she remains cold, then let her go, I think a friend who doesn't reach back when reached out to is not the friend they seemed to be in the end. Good luck!!

This exact thing happened to me. Best friends for years then I ended up moving away but we were still good friends for years after, I visited her, she visited me, then one day she sent me a letter and said that we could no longer be friends. I was crushed. Not really an explanation either. Fast forward 10 yrs, I tried to contact her on FB, no response. I'm friends with her sister in law on FB so I've seen some pictures of her and some comments she's made and it does make me sad. You're not alone sister, some people are just weird like that.

It's not silly for you to miss your friend, especially since you have no idea what made her abandon your friendship after so many years of being so close.

I have a best friend who I have literally known since kindergarden, but really been close with since about age 15 (we are now 31). We also lived together for one year in college in an apartment. Mysteriously, the summer before our final year in college she "quit" being friends with me. Other mutual friends had no idea what had happened, and I was totally clueless. We went an entire year without speaking because she just out of the blue dropped me, and I was incredibly hurt. It put a strain on my other friendships, because they felt torn between us. And to make matters worse, I was going through a tough breakup with a guy I had really fallen for, and I really could have used her shoulder to cry on. Then, one day, I got an email from her. She wanted to address our "fight" and ended up explaining to the best of her ability why she had suddenly dropped from my life. She was seperated from her boyfriend (now husband) at the time and it was a really hard time for her. But instead of leaning on me, she pushed me away. It took her a long time, and getting back together with him, to realize she missed me and she had really messed up. I was apprehensive, but I forgave her. We are great friends to this day.

I know the timeline of my story is much different from yours, but I think you should go ahead and write the letter. Don't be accusatory, but let her know that you are lost trying to make sense of why she won't talk to you. Tell her you miss her, and that you'd like to leave the past in the past and rekindle the friendship you once had. Or at the very least, be friendly with one another when the occasion comes that you will be in the same place (like the weddings and reunions). Tell her you are not mad, just sad that the friendship ended so abruptly like it did. And tell her that if you don't hear back from her, you'll assume that she does not wish to rekindle a friendship and you will have to let it go. Then, forgive yourself. You may not have done anything, and she just grew away from you. But you can't say you didn't try your best. That's all we can do.

Best wishes, I hope things work out for you.

This happened with my best college friend. She was like a sister and was in my wedding. She was just amazing. Or families loved each other. One day she just stopped returning my calls and e-mails. Years of friendship just suddenly didn't exist. It's all right. We were at different stages in our lives. I was married, she was still heavy on the dating scene and had a lot of failed relationships. By the time my first daughter was over a year old, I think she just couldn't relate any more. She called me when my second daughter was born to tell me she had gotten married, which hurt because we always talked about being in each others weddings and she WAS in mine. And it turned out she only called to ask me to buy in to her mom's cookie catering business.

Oh well. I'm 36 and still best friends with my lifelong best friend, and some other friends from high school. I have other good friends too. I've had falling outs with my actual best friend and others and always managed to make it through with them through hard work... but some people just aren't open enough or forgiving for some reason. And it could be as simple as realizing that your lives are really just too different in spite of what you believed before.

Yep... People grow apart and people grow together... My best friend in school and after really has nothing in common with the Wife, Stay at home Mom I have matured into... Yes, I think it would be awesome at times to have that friendship we had before, but no amount of talking would change it... I'm all about my family and life while she would be bored by it. I have no interest in hearing about her nonkid, party and work for a paycheck so she can spend it on shoes life...
BUT... There are other people that I was not really close to as we grew up together that now we are best of buds...

Yes it has and Easter weekend 2011 we connected again ... the 1st time in 15 years. We had a great time and discussed everything. Now we are speaking, texting, facebooking every week. I inititated the process - I contacted her on FB and after months of being FB friends i sent her a email telling her how much i have missed her and hate we lost our friendship and she felt the same way. I felt the way you did - I was not sure if I wanted to contact her again and get turned down and she said the same thing so go ahead and reach out to her ...

Good Luck....

YES YES YES....... I loved a dear friend for many years and she turned on me as well and our friendship has been apart for 11 years. She saw my first child be born...she shared her deepest secret too me which I was completely shocked about ( she decided she loved women ) and never heard from her again. I did everything with her, she was my maid of honor, I was hers and I think about her sooooo much ! I wondered why I could not be in her life even though she made a new life style. Any-way, I think of her often and just get scared of the road she turned down and how dangrous she was in a certain relationship. I always think of calling her mom and find out where she is and want to talk to her. But as it stands I don't.

Something must have changed in your friend. She could have turned to another cheek to have changed her behavior. She could have made some bad choices that she was ashamed of . She could be jealous as you said. I would write the letter.......... send cards or anything. Don't try to patch up what has been done, just move forward and bless her with "thoughts" . If the past is under the rug, you two could start right back up again with no questions asked.

Life is short to hold regrets, anger, sadness........move on and be loved and share love unconditionally.

I have been there and it sucks. I completely get how hurt you feel and how confusing it is when someone you were once so tight with turns cold for no apparent reason. In all honesty, if you are unable to recall any real instance where you did something and she had a legitmate reason to piss her off ---and I'm talking about caring on a torrid affair with her boyfriend, burning down her house, poisoning her dog, trying to extort money from her parents ... real serious grievances that warrant cutting a friendship off cold -- and you have asked her what is wrong but she refuses to talk to you about it, let me tell you TO, the problem with your friendship is HER. (This is one of those times when I wish they had a bold and italics function on mamapedia.) She is the problem, not you. She is the one with the bad character and her heart in the wrong place to be a good friend, not you.

In most all friendships, there are misunderstandings and sometimes some bad behavior and childishness here and there, but in most friendships, you can talk it out at some point or another. Most problems in a friendship, most disagreements, are not worth completely destroying the friendship. I could understand that if you did something to hurt her feelings or piss her off, her not wanting to talk about it right away but, at some point during the 12 years since it happened and after a number of run ins with each other, you should be able to talk about it or just put the past behind you and go forward from there.

I hate to say it, but maybe you considered her a friend but she didn't think of you the same way. Maybe she never was someone who is capable of being a friend. I know that it is hard to understand but there are people out there like that who are cold hearted and just don't know how to love or be a friend.

I know it is hard but I think that if change your focus from what you could have possibly done wrong to what hints or signals you may have missed that would have indicated to you that your friend was probably just a "frienemy", then you may see your relationship in a more realistic light.

(((HUGS))) to you! Feel better soon.

Yes this has happened to me more than once. While you may miss what you had, I wouldn't even want her for a friend if she can dismiss all you had so easily. Who or what kind of person does that?

For closure for yourself, I would recommend you writing that letter to her. Put everything you have to say or question and the like. Also include words of forgiveness to her for hurting you and forgiveness toward yourself for still wanting to have her friendship or and explanation and then seal it in an envelope and then burn the letter and don't give her or this situation another thought. You have new friendships to foster and develop, a family to nurture, a career to excel in and so many other things to do and this really doesn't deserve another minute of your precious time. You sound like the kind of caring person I would like to have for a friend. If she walked away you need to be caring enough towards yourself to let her go and move on with your life.

Be blessed.

I had almost the exact same experience a few years back. I became best friends with this girl in Grade 6 (we knew each other since 1st grade but only became bestest friends in grade 6) Well she was my Maid of Honour at my wedding, I was there for her when she became pregnant with her first and second child and all that BFF stuff. Well the day before my 23rd birthday, I am now 28, I spoke to her on the phone, made plans to hang out on my Bday and the next day she never phoned and wouldnt answer my calls. I tried over and over again because I stupidly thought something bad had happened to her. Like an idiot I called and called and called for about 3 weeks or so until I realized that she was just a rotten person that either she went psycho or someone told her something that wasnt true too. Either way I know how you feel and at this point I am so over her but would still love to know what happened in her mind to be such a you know what
You are obviously better off without someone like that in your life. Im sorry she hurt you but let her go and move on to someone less toxic and rotten
Good Luck

go ahead write her a letter tell her how you feel-try to resolve it-nothings worse than not knowing why your hated..my best friend-accused me of sleeping with her hubby-that she caught cheating with someone else and had a baby by...i was devestated to say the least-but theres no patching it up.not only did she lose her hubby-but also her best friend-i dont tolerate being falsley accussed of anything.really sad i miss her everyday-but i just cant forgive her..maybe your friend had the hots for your hubby? good luck

Similar thing happened to myself and best friend in January 2002. I was so confused not knowing why she did not want to talk to me or hang out with me. I sent her cards, put chocolates at her door, called her etc. I finally had to go over to her house (when I knew she was home) and asked her what was wrong. She finally told me that she did not think we were compatible friends anymore. It hurt a lot. I kind of knew why....I had just broke up with my boyfriend of 12 years (october 2001) and was not a happy person. But....as a true best friend...she should have helped me through it but instead she bailed! whatever. it still hurts. we are quiet and cordial to each other at weddings and our 20 year high school reunion. i am not sure what i feel anymore. wish we could still be friends but know that i will be ok with out her. so sorry it is still bothering you. i would try to ask her...try to get closure!

Yes, this happened to me to. She got distant for some reason after we graduated from high school. She sent me card and letter when she found out my dad died but that was about it. Missed out on weddings, births of our children and then she found me on facebook and said she cried when she saw I was on there. For awhile we were talking on facebook everyday and she said she would get on there just to see if I sent her a message and now I never hear from her. She went back to working so she just says she's so busy with that and the kids but I just don't get how you just ignore someone who you want to be friends with. I sent her a message a few weeks ago wishing her a good trip since she was going on vacation and wondering if she was going to go to our class reunion which is this year but haven't heard from her. She will like the pictures I post on facebook but that's about it. Like I said I just don't get it.

yeah kinda.

i was best friends with a girl who was several years younger. we did almost everything together, and talked on the phone, the whole 9 yards. and all of a sudden out of NOWHERE she wasnt speaking to me anymore. the only thing that i was ever told was that someone thought i liked her boyfriend (FIVE YEARS YOUNGER than me!! no way!) and that was the only half/reason i was given. she still to this day wont tell me what i did. but shes turned into a different person anyway, very snobby, and self absorbed, so i know im not missing much. i still wonder what it was, if it really was the boyfriend thing, or what, and why she didnt ask me about it. i never even once liked her boyfriend! not that SHE did either; she treated him like garbage, and the minute she graduated she dumped him for the first guy she met in college or something. so i really dont get it.

the only thing i can think of, and the first thing that came to mind reading htis, was that maybe she liked your bf/husband. maybe she couldnt tell you because she knew you were so happy, but she really was heartbroken that he was with her and not you? i mean is it possible? sure, she might never have told you or acted odd, but that might be it.

but who knows. the only thing you can control is yourself so i would try to just forgive her anyway. you could write her a letter, but i did that, i said that i know it was a long time ago, but i just want to clear the air, and wondered what i did, and she still didnt give me an answer. she basically asked me why it mattered, and that she wasnt going to talk about it or something? basically to me that seemed like a cop-out, like it was more along the lines of there were no reasons, just that she was "done" with me and tossed me out like garbage like she did to everyone else eventually.

anyway. im sorry. i know how you feel. :(

Yes, twice actually. I've often wondered if it was me, but all of these stories here provide some comfort that I'm not the only one. The first one was almost 20 years ago. I do know what happened that time and I am largely (although not completely) to blame. My efforts at reconciliation have been rejected although we are cordial and make small talk when we run into each other every few years. I find it sad, but have since concluded I probably couldn't be good friends with her anymore anyhow. One of the hardest parts is being excluded from get togethers with our mutual friends.

The second one was 12 years ago and I have absolutely no idea what happened. All of my calls and letters have been ignored. I'm not on FB so I haven't tried that. It was very sudden. I'm not the only one she's done this too though so I know it's not just me. We had another really good friend and she's lost touch with her too. She was even the maid of honor in my wedding.

Writing a letter will probably be good for you to get closure, but I wouldn't expect a response. Good luck.

It is funny I read this now as I was just telling my mom how I think about and pray for a friend who broke off our friendship. She and I were best friends when we met in 6th grade. I was new to the school that year and she had been a new student the previous year. We were friends throughtout high school and college. We drifted apart a bit after college, but still kept in contact. She really stopped contacting me in 2002 when my mom moved to Florida. That was a really hard time for me because I was very close to my mom and now she was moving very far. It was terrible timing as I really could of used a long-term friend at that point. Somehow I got in contact with her in 2004 when I got engaged and she came to my wedding the following year. I gave her my phone number on a few Christmas newsletters after that. The year after I got married and had my first child, I finally talked with her on the phone. She said the number she had given me, she never checked the voice mails (why she gave me that number to contact her with I'll never know.) She said she would love to come visit me and my new daughter, but she was going on vacation to Florida the following week and would contact me when she got back so she could meet her. I never heard from her again and gave her my phone number again in my Christmas newsletter that year. That was 4 years ago and I haven't heard from her. I wonder how she is since she was diagnosed with MS about 13 years ago. Another friend of mine mentioned that she wondered if she was mentally ill and that was the reason why she never contacted me again. I do think that is very possible. It is comforting to know that other women have had this baffeling experience.

Yes. My story is pretty similar. I was best friends with this girl since grade school. We were inseperable. We would either be at her or my house every week. She asked me to move out with her in college. I did. Then a few years later we all moved out from being roomates and she got her first boyfriend. I had had boyfriends throughout the years but always included her in things I did but she totally shut me out. So after 15 years of friendship it was over.
We had a mutual friend and the mutual friend told me that my "best friend" had been talking about me for years about how she couldn't stand me and some other not so nice things. I felt so confused. I couldn't believe it but the it all made sense.
When I gave birth to my daughter the best friend worked at the hospital and she saw me and pretended like she was interested in talking. She came to my house to see my daughter and I asked her about all the things she said about me which of course she dennied. That was the last time I ever saw her. Our mutual friend and I have been best friends ever since.
I see her sometimes in passing but we have never talked since and I know she has a family. It's like a death in the family for me. I still think about her every once in a while but have moved on. Maybe for closure for you you should write the letter or call her. I at least had my chance to move on.