Has Anyone Else Been Through This! Need Encouragement

Updated on December 26, 2018
T.B. asks from Gordon, WI
7 answers

I need some encouragement ladies! I have two children with my ex. He barley takes them and hardly sees them and I am the one who always makes the attempt so they can see the other side of their family! He never once picks them up drops them off or etc. For the last couple of years he has taken both of them maybe a total of 10 time z. His excuses are he never has anyone to watch the kids and etc. Well this is the other issues he only take his son and not his daughter which is heartbreaking! Well now that my oldest so will be starting school next year he thinks he should let my oldest go to school down there and blah blah blah! I honestly don't think he should because he only sees him when he has time to see him, he owes 1498 dollars in child support, and I have multiply wittnesses who can vouch for me from my kids school to daycare and etc. Please pray for me! I honestly have gave him the option that he could have the kids every other weekend, every other holidays, that includes school breaks and have them June thru Aug for summer break! Need encouragement it someone to let me know I'm not the only one going through it! I don't have tons of friends I can talk to bout this

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N.K.

answers from Miami on

What does your custody agreement state? You need to have all the time sharing schedules in writing. If he refuses to see his kids on his days, that's HIS problem, and his loss. You don't need to chase him down and force him to be a father.

4 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

It sounds like your ex is just not into the kids that much.
He might never be - or maybe he'll be more interested when the kids are older.
Stop looking for him to be the father you want him to be.
He doesn't care about seeing the kids or giving you breaks.
If you want a break - figure it out without him.
Have your parents watch the kids if they are interested.
But it's not up to you to maintain relations with ex's family.
He's an ex - as far as you are concerned you don't have to be tied to ex's family forever.
If it's a strain - just drop it.
Lawyer up and nail him for child support.
His wages can be garnished so you get the money for the kids.

3 moms found this helpful

D.B.

answers from Boston on

I'm married to a man who had to fight for every minutes and visit with his children. We even rescheduled our wedding and got a legal agreement that we could take the kids for "vacation" that week - just so they could attend our wedding. So we took them on our honeymoon. There ARE men like that, lots of them.

Unfortunately, there are many like your ex. My good friend is going through much of what you are - her ex moved away, remarried, secured and lost 3 jobs, and rarely sees the kids. Occasionally he makes noise about the kids moving to his state, but it's mostly to get out of child support and to hurt his ex-wife. Your ex has rarely taken the kids, but still says he has "no one to watch them"?? Why isn't HE with them during these visits? My advice to you is that you stop arguing and pleading, if that's what you're doing. Offer him the children either according to the court ordered visitation, or just when you want to. You keep your messages short and sweet, businesslike, and that's it. No one is going to take your children away from you, so don't be afraid of that and don't listen to any threats. Don't be nervous about it. Unless you're abusive or negligent, he doesn't have a leg to stand on - he doesn't even visit them or support them, so he's done nothing to show he's a responsible parent.

I realize you aren't getting a break, and that's so difficult and exhausting. But you're lucky that your children are so young and don't really know any other routine than the one they're in - which is rarely seeing their father. My friend's kids feel totally rejected by their father, and the teen boy is in serious mental health treatment and therapy because of it.

I would not turn your life into a big track meet. Your ex can come see them when he wants to, and you don't have to tell the kids in advance. If he shows up, he shows up. If he doesn't, he doesn't, and they won't know the difference. It makes it so hard for you to plan anything and I don't mean to minimize that. But I wouldn't tell them a thing until he texts you that he's on his way. I don't know who all the "other side" of the family involves, or what your relationship is with them. But if you want them to visit with your kids, you don't have to do all the driving and drop-off/pick-up. Not at all. And he, and they, take both kids or neither. None of this inflicting of emotional punishment - because that creates more hurt than not seeing them at all. And your daughter will blame you for it. Now, if it's one kid's birthday, maybe it's fine for a special day - but not if there's so little visitation. But have him start with his daughter's birthday before his son's if you're going to do that.

Prayers are nice, but what you need is a lawyer. You need a visitation agreement in place. It can be generous, but I wouldn't offer him the whole summer until he shows he can and will care for them. And as your children get older, they are not going to want to give up their friends to go somewhere else for the entire summer. If he's trying to hurt you or control you, what if he doesn't want to bring them back? Think that one through! Be careful not to codify too much in the agreement. Start with something like every other weekend, or one full weekend and one half weekend per month. You need to have the state garnish his wages for the child support so it goes right into your account and you aren't sitting there waiting for, or begging him for, a check.

3 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from Anchorage on

The kids need to be in school in the district of the person who has them most of the time, and that is you. As for taking only your son and not your daughter I would put my foot down on that now, he is hurting her and that is not okay. If he can't handle them both at once then he needs to alternate and take one and then the other, making a real effort to connect with her as well. Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful

D.D.

answers from Boston on

Go to court and get that back child support asap. As far as the visitation its a package deal. He takes both or neither. Your daughter is being made to feel lesser than her brother and that needs to stop now. If he doesn't have child care that's really his issue to address and seriously if he needs child care while his kids are visiting then he needs to change the priorities in his life because spending time with his children during the short amount of time he has them should be his top priority.

Do not let him continue to skate along doing what he's doing. You can't make him change but you can put your children and their feeling first and stop letting him pick and choose who he wants to see and when.

3 moms found this helpful
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R.K.

answers from Appleton on

Wisconsin is unique in the fact that with every child support order there is an order to garnish wages. You need to contact the child support agency in your county and make them go after the money. You can also get an order that if he gets a tax refund you get the money. But you have to advocate for your children.

As far as him seeing the kids or spending time with them it sounds as though he is abusive. Do you really want them spending a lot of time with him? Believe me I know how difficult it is, I raised my last 2 with no help. But it's better than trying to undo the damage of spending time with an abusive man.

2 moms found this helpful
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S.M.

answers from Atlanta on

As long as you dont consider him to be a threat to the children, abusive etc..let him share in his responsibility. Every parent needs a break. Just make sure he gets ALL of his children, during visitation and enjoy your break.

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