Hard to Talk to Husband

Hey D.
I have been going througth the same thing. we don't have any real concversations at all. all he talks about is the bussiness and don't get me worng i pay attention to all that he says i listen to him. But when it comes to talking to him about like for example something that one of the boys has done, he doesn't do much about it i sometimes feel like a singel mom. Any ways if i want to share something with him he will listen for a minute or so and then he changes to subject back to what he was talking about before. Like last time before bed time i told him that i wanted to give him something nice well you know. And he acted like it was nothign to get excited about. And did really even acknoledge (sorry can't spell) me. I try and tell him about something that intrestes me cause i want to share it with him and what does he do not lsiten to me at all. He had done this so much that I know talk to other men cause at least they listen. One is a really close friend of mine. I had told my husband to at least pretend that he was paying attention to lie to me i don't care i just want his attention and affection which he is not giving me at all. It has been like this for some time now. And well because of all this i cheated on him. Yeah i know not the smartes thing to do but well i wanted attention and well i got it.

I want to work things out with my husband but he would not even go to councelign with me. By the way we have two kids 6 and 3 i am 26 and he is 44.

been together for 6 going on to 7 years and got married last year.
there has to be a way to fix this with him or else i don't know what i am going to do.

Your husband is being defensive about the way that he acts, because he is aware of it and you called him out. It is hard to have a talk with someone once you have put him on the defense. try waiting awhile and let him cool down, and then bring the subject up naunchalantly as if you have forgotten about the words that you had earlier on the subject, but this time try sticking to your thoughts on the matter. If you have always given in to his way of thinking, you will have to stand really strong and not budge on your beliefs. At first this will really take him back, because he is not used to you being firm and standing your ground, but you must start doing this if you want things to change! Know when to stand up and know when to back down! when you first start standing up for yourself it can feel so good after holding back for so long, that you may go overboard, then you will eventually find the happy medium...give and take! I went through this many years ago! I used to let others opinions make decisions for me! when I first started to stand up for myself, I went too headstrong... saying no felt good! then it leveled out. best of luck, and remember no matter how the first few tries meets with strong resistance from your husband in the long run he will respect you for standing up and not rolling over everytime.

Oh, D.! I can't even begin to describe to you how much I thought I could have posted this same thing!

My husband is also impossible to talk to. Some recent examples: I want to send our daughter to school. He wants to send her to a private school we can't afford. Since I handle the finances, I had to break the news to him that we can't afford it. He exploded. Went on and on about how he had a bad experience in public school, the teachers don't care about the kids, he makes so much money why can't we afford it... blah blah blah. He tried to walk away at one point, and I stopped him and told him we HAVE to talk about this until it's resolved. No quitting when we're not at a resolution.

My background is that I HATE HATE HATE confrontation. I hate fighting. And I'll do anything to avoid it. My husband is defensive, so whenever I DO bring something up, he explodes because he thinks I'm attacking his character or belittling him (neither of which is true).

How much I think my husband needs counseling for his insecurities!!! That's a battle for another day for me, though, and if you have the courage I'd tell you to bring up counseling to your husband. If nothing else, it's a third party without a vested interest in either of you who can tell him when he's overreacting.

Another suggestion is to train yourself to keep it about you. I've been working on this, and when I can suck up my fear of confrontation, it's been helping. I keep it on me. For example, you said that you feel like you can't talk to him because he's always right. Instead, try saying "I feel like I can't talk about things with you because I feel like I'm not being heard, and my opinions aren't valued." Basically the same thing, but you're pretty much leaving him out of it and talking about you.

I wish you luck, and I'll keep working on it, too!

I would lay money on the fact that your husband doesn't feel you respect him. I don't know why, it may be true, or it is probably just his insecurities. But, either way, he feels you don't trust him or respect him. I've had the same issues with my husband and have seen it in other marriages as well. If he is assured that you respect him, then he will be much more willing to hear you out, especially when he knows you are on his side no matter what he decides. He probably feels you are nagging him or trying to change him or undermine him. (whether you have or not - doesn't change his perception.) This has probably gone on for a long time and won't change over night. But, if these issues can be postponed or ignored for a long while, then I would try working on how I talk to him in general, and pay special attention to when you mention his decision making ability. That is a very manly thing and if he even feels that you don't respect him in that way then it will always be a very sensitive subject. I would choose my battles wisely and work on making him feel secure in your respect for him (not love for him - most men don't feel insecure about that). And by the way, my mom would always leave notes too. Some people just prefer to say it in writing. That's ok. Just be careful HOW you say things.

To me I cared about everything to a point I ddin't want to make no one unhappy including my husbnand. But I couldn't communicate with him. He was impossilbe and the more I pointed it out the worse the person I was. I was always losing the arguement or not an arguement but the point that I had opinions and feelings too. So after 2 yrs, I learned to not care and do what I wanted first. No he is coming around. The moment it was not about how he felt about it is when he started coming around and paying attention. I am not saying this works all the time but it is starting to work for me. And now I even feel better about myself too. I am not worring about what everyone thinks. Good luck girl.

i can relate to everyone.why are husbands so difficult and why do they always have to get the last word!!my husband is the same i try to talk to him about something and sometimes its like he doesnt even pay attention or he only hears what he wants to hear.we have been married for almost 5 yrs,and just in the past 2 years i speak up to him now.he tells me something i tell him something right back.before i use to keep quiet about everything,but you get sick of it after awhile.i got tired of the crying and keeping to myself.trust me speaking up makes you feel alot better.they think just bc they are men they are always right...hell no!!sorry i kind of vented a little also.i feels good also to have the "i dont care attitude" also.goodluck and dont be afraid!

I'm in the exact same boat. I've started just sending emails too, its easier and I can say how I feel and he can like it or not. When I try to talk about my feelings he just gets angry and defensive and tells me why I'm wrong to feel the way I do. The other night he yelled at me for asking for some affection telling me how he always gives me affection and I just don't notice it blah blah blah... defensive. I've gotten so i absolutely HATE having to discuss anything of consequence with him unless I know from the beginning that I share his opinion because he always has to be right.

I have nothing to offer you solution wise as I still haven't figured it out myself, only an understanding ear.

You just need to stand up for yourself. Marriage isn't only one way..it takes two to make it work.
Although I caution you...his violent outbursts could possibly lead to more.
Always make sure he's not between you and an exit out.
I speak from personal experience.
Good luck!

I would highly recommend counseling for the two of you. My husband and I see a counselor twice a month and our marriage has improved so much. The counselor really has a great way of helping me to understand my husband's feelings without making me feel defensive and vice versa for my husband. It has really opened the lines of communication for us. We are learning how to communicate with each other to resolve situations without a huge fight. If your husband refuses to go, then go to a counselor by yourself, and you can learn effectives ways of communicating with your husband. GOOD LUCK

"So I said, "It's hard for me to talk about how I feel because YOU'RE always right.""
This statement would effectivly end a conversation with anyone. I would suggest maybe rephasing this to sound more like, "It is hard for me to talk about how I feel about this."
The first statment blames him and the second statment is neutral. When you blame the other person, they will automaticly go to the defincive and shut down.
Maybe you could talk with him about better ways to communicate with him next time you are cuddling on the couch or folding laundry together or driving in the car. Maybe leave the kids with grandma and go on a date. Tell him that there is something very important that you would like to talk to him about. Tell him something like, "I have noticed that some of the things that I have been saying have been putting you on the defincive. Is there a better way for me to appraoch these topics? I don't want you to feel like I am blaming you for anything." Would he be open to counseling? I think it would really help to learn how eachother communicate.
DH just didn't talk to me before. It was very hard because I know that he would talk to his friends at work. I thought about it for a while and I often found myself blaming him in my approach. I'd been a conflict resolution mediator for years and I had found myself teaching others to communicate more effectivly and appeartly checked my work at the door. I blamed him for the way that I felt all of the time, but the truth is that you are the only one that has control over your reactions and feelings.
It really only takes one to learn to communicate with the other. Just like if I spoke French, none of the Franch would have to learn English to speek to me. Does that make since. If this is an emotionally abusive situation then the rules change, but I don't know from what you have said here that that would be the case.
Good Luck.

Sorry, I don't have much advice for you, other than I can relate. Any time I say anything my husband does not agree with, or criticize him in the least way, he pretty much walks away and won't discuss it. So you are not alone. I look forward to any one else's advice - I think that this problem comes from the "men are from mars, women venus" thing and it is hard for us to come together. The thing is, it takes two, and your husband sounds as hard headed as mine.

The only other thing I can add, is to try not to tell him his faults (his always being right) because then you have set the discussion up to fail from the start, not that it wouldn't end up there anyway, but at least try to be neutral and non-critical as long as you can during each discussion.

Good luck to us!