Guilt over Not Seeing Dad's Gf Before She Died

I'm so sorry for your loss. Guilt is a natural, inevitable, human reaction, but it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong at all. It sounds like her condition took an unexpected turn for the worse, and how could you foresee that? Even her own daughters didn't see it coming.

Even more importantly, toward the end of life, people look at their lives retrospectively. Your dad's girlfriend was probably just very glad that your dad had wonderful children and that they loved and appreciated her. In-person visits can often be exhausting and overwhelming -- that's why hospice nurses and other professionals usually recommend "Come visit, but keep it simple and don't stay long."

Rather than focusing on your presence or absence then, I really, really recommend focusing on what your dad needs now. Seriously ill people don't always need visits, but grieving widowers DO. Your important role in all this is beginning right now. Spend as much time with your dad as you can. I'm sure that's exactly what his girlfriend would have wanted, and it's probably the most important way of all to honor her memory.

In sympathy,

Mira

I had a similar circumstance with my uncle. He also suffered from cancer and my mom and I were planning a Friday visit - I didn't want to bring my young children to see him so sick and needed to go when my husband was home - he works long hours during the week. Anyway, he passed before Friday came along and I didn't get to say goodbye.

Don't beat yourself up for it - I'm sure she knew you cared. For me, it was a lesson learned - don't wait when things like his happen - visit your loved one often. Hopefully next time, maybe with your Dad as he ages, you'll remember and make a bit more effort - not that you did anything wrong this time, because I don't think you did.

Gaining a different perspective is never a waste. Appreciate life's lessons and don't feel guilty. My heart goes out to you.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. I am certain that she knew how much you loved her, and she knew you were there with her yesterday. Make peace with yourself, and be there for your Dad and her daughters moving forward.

My husband's best friend from high school was terribly ill with a rare thyroid cancer a few years ago... he lives in ID, we live in MN. My husband put off going to visit for all the same reasons you listed.. we have 3 kids, we are busy, the family wasn't sure about guests... we thought he'd have longer. He felt terrible when Sean died suddenly... and made sure he was there for the funeral. I know he still has some guilt, but really, being there for the family is as important as being there for the person who was ill.

Peace to you.

N.:

Stop beating yourself up over something you cannot change.
I am sure that her daughter's told her that you called and asked about her. And I'm SURE she understood how busy life gets with kids!!

I'm sorry you lost someone special in your life. I'm sorry your dad lost her as well. I hope that you all have wonderful memories of her and continue to remember her in deeds and actions.

You would be surprised at what people know. It's all good. Please don't beat yourself up over shoulda, woulda, coulda....you can't change the past - you can only learn from it.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please do not feel guilty. She knew that you loved her. It sounds to me like she knew she wasnt doing good and probably wasnt going to make it much longer. Most people dont want you to remember them like that, so they push you off. It really sounds like that to me. When you are sick it is hard to have "company" and put on a happy face when all you feel is miserable. Dont be so h*** o* yourself. It is most likely the way she wanted it. Just keep all the good memories close to your heart. Thoughts and prayers to you.

My dad passes away from cancer almost 6 years ago. Origanaly when he came home I thought he was getting better and so did he. He would not admit he was not. Unfortunatly we never know. They can go down hill quickly. Do not beat yourself up! I am so sorry for your loss. You never know she could have known you where there.

I am so sorry for your loss. I also in the last few weeks lost one of my best friends to cancer. I also am still in shock that she died. I also feel llike she was doing ok and was getting through the treatments fine. We hear so many people talk about being Cancer Survivers, we assumed she would be one of them. She did everything she was told, but we forgot, that from the beginning, she was only given a 30%chance of survival.

Her demise also came on very quickly. We tried to let as many people as possible know, but it was difficult. And yes, there are times when the patient is not up for visitors, but you can go and just be there for the family, but who is to know if they do not tell you?

Do not hold any guilt. It sounds like this lady was a wonderful person and in no way would want you to have any hard feelings.

Let your dad and her family know that you will miss and never forget her and what a difference having her in your life has made.

No regrets. I am sending you peace.

I am sorry for your families loss. I think it is natural to feel the way you are feeling. When someone passes we always seem to think of the things we shoulda... coulda... woulda... done. No one will make you feel better. You have to come to terms with this on your own. Everyone deals with things differently. Hang in there. :(

My whole family was with my SF round the clock for a couple days before he passed. I left O. night to go home (50 min. drive) to be with my son (then age 2)....he died that night. So I wasn't officially "there" when he passed.

Don't let the guilt get you "stuck." I'm sure she knew you were there and knew you loved her from your overall relationship!

Two good lessons:
1. Know that (in the future) sometimes you DO just have to make time for special people, and things, and places, etc.....

2. Right NOW, there's a lot you CAN do for those left behind--your dad, her daughters.....etc. Be there to help them all through this loss.

I'm sorry for your loss.
Sometimes the greatest gifts come during the time of greatest loss.
Go love on your dad!

I know just how you feel but don't let your thoughts or feelings overwhelm you. You did the best you could. Hind sight is always 20/20 but you can't live your life in reverse.

Comfort your father and her 3 girls while you make the most of the life you have right now. That is the best you can do. I really hope this helps.

How wonderful you loved her so much. Love goes beyond specific situations. As others mentioned she knew you cared for her as she experienced that while living. I bet when it's time to go we'll all *have* the people we love around us to say goodbye to, but we won't need their actual bodies to be there for us. There's an invisible thread linking the hearts and the lives of the people who love each other, no matter how time and space make it hard for them to share that particular moment. I bet you were there even though you think otherwise. May the peace of love fall on your heart and comfort you and her loved ones.

Hi Nickie
I am sorry you lost a special person in your life. I know that everyone telling you not to geel guilty will not stop you from feeling guilty. The only way to make you feel better is to be there for her daughters and your dad. Grief comes in so many different ways for each person. Your grief will be different than that of her children and your dad. Check on everyone at different times. This week of the funeral is all a blur for those closest. Check on them next week to see how they are doing. Continue to be there for them for the next 3 to 6 months to see how they are dealing with life after losing someone so close.
It says alot about you that you even care, so please consider that while thinking that you are a rotten person, cuz you are not!!
Blessings!!
D.

Yes I have experienced this. I was stationed in Germany when my grandmother lost her battle with cancer.

What I can tell you is this: She knows how much you love her. She knows your intentions were good. She understands your situation and loves you for thinking of her. Even now, she loves you and is rooting for you (from the other side) to find peace and happiness.

I'm so sorry for your loss. May the brightest blessings find you.