Ask him if he ever wants a girl.. they typically won't stick around if they know he can't care for himself :)
Does anybody know of any avenues that my grown son can take to be out on his. Th is man is grown with no job or work experience, nor does he want to go to school. He'd rather play video games all day and blame everyone else for his miserable situation. He does not help around the house, and when ask to, he point blank refuses to help or gets upset and half does the job. He wants to be treated as an adult but acts more like a 13 year teenager with no guidance. He needs to get out of my house. I'd rather him not be on the streets because he is not street smart at all, but he needs to go. Any suggestions?
Ask him if he ever wants a girl.. they typically won't stick around if they know he can't care for himself :)
Time for him to be out on his own. Give him 30 days notice and that's it. He's taking advantage of you.
Our neighbors sat their 20 year old twin sons down one day and said, "You have 1 month to enroll in school, get a job or you will enlist in the military! 30 days---go 'find yourself' and you decide, or we will drive you to the Army recruiting station."
It worked! One went to community college and got an associates in criminal justice and was just accepted to the police academy, and the other is in school for restaurant mgt. and working his tail off 6 nights a week.
Nothing like threatening the Army recruiter to a lazy kid.
I would start charging him rent and just like any landlord, if he can not pay he is out. He is taking advantage of you, and will continue to do so until you use a little tough love and stick your ground on it. He pays, he helps, or he leaves. I would also insist that if he is going stay (while helping), than he must be doing something to get independent such as pursuing an education. I understand not wanting your sons to be on the streets, but he is exploiting that fact to his full advantage.
A friend of mine, bought a cheap used travel trailer i think she paid like $3,000. Set it up at a travel trailer park. She had Dad take him somewhere that day & she moved his personal things like clothes & toiletries. She left some food in a cooler & drinks. She left a long letter in the trailer with all she wanted said, but basically she drove him there & told him that it was his new home. She explained that she had paid the bills for 3 months & after that it was his responsibility. She told him he was welcome to come for dinner at the house. She explained that she was taking care of an infant on her own at his age & she could no longer enable him to continue as he was. She explained that he could sell all his belongings or get a job, or join the military & she looked forward to hearing what his decision was. Well, he was mad & threw a tantrum......then he came back crying & begging......then he joined the military. He now has a home, wife & kids. She said it was the hardest thing she had ever done cuz she was 15 when she got pregnant w/ him & she always felt so funny not being that much older, but she was very proud of his choices. She was a grandmother at 32! Best of luck to you.
Your situation is a sticky one, I have a grown daughter at home and we have been thru this. All she wanted to do is sleep, eat and watch tv. I finally just had to be up front with her, like I would any other adult living in my house. I explained that either she had to get a job and pay me to clean up after her, or do this chore list daily(and I handed her the list). She went out and got a job. And I still have to come right out and tell her what I need done, if she does anything around the house. But she does pay me a set amount a week to live in my house. I explained to her that if she could not do one or the other, she had to live somewhere else.
My ten yr old over heard the conversation and started doing more also, he was afraid I would make him leave too. LOL. Good luck
Take all the TV's in your house to an undisclosed storage unit. Tell him you don't want them in your house anymore and you've decided to do away with TV. Same for computers.
I wonder how long it will take him to get motivated after that? It's a bit of a sacrifice for you but it could pay off!
Whatever you decide to do it sounds like some tough love is in order.
You know your answer already and you need reassurance. STOP enabling him....let him go.
I have not been there, done that with a child but I do know some families who have. It is hard, tough love and depending on his age, the authorities can be involved to scare him him into growing up.
Sounds like you have done your job......it is his job now to go grow up.
Give him a time line of when he needs to have a job and then when he needs to be out. Go ahead and provide him with the tools to finding a job - job websites or how to fill out an application on-line for retail stocking job or go to a restaurant and apply for a cook job. Then a week before he needs to have a job, if he hasn't made any effort or has made a poor effort, give him information on the nearest homeless shelter. Drive him there and drop him off for him to get more information. Pick him up 30 minutes later. Also, give him all of the information - websites and addresses - on where to get food stamps, medicare etc. If he refuses any or all of your help, then you know you did your best and he can't say, "You just threw me out!" Like the saying goes, You have to hit rock bottom before you can make a change. This may have to be his rock bottom. Also, one more thing, get rid of the video games, unplug the cable/satellite (if you have it) where he watches it, don't provide any foods/drinks that he likes, don't provide his toiletries and don't do his laundry or cleaning. Take a stand and go with it all the way! Good luck!
if he is under 26 I would highly suggest job corp they will make him act like an adult. get a trade give him a roof food, medical, dental and I garantee the half job or refusing to do it will stop. he will learn there he is responsible for his own decisions. he will learn street smarts there.
1problem is you can't make him go he is an adult. I sent my sone there and it was the best thing to happen to him. I highly recommend it. I would give him 30 days with that option. cut him off finacially and make him learn to manage his own money. he will be buying his own soap , shampoo, conditioner, laundry soap, toothpaste, etc. He will be on a very limited budget too. they will not deny his clothes but all he will be able to buy is cheap stuff. he can either eat the nasty food at job corp or learn to balance his money so he can eat out.
if you can get him to agree I highly highly recomend it. My son matured so much when he was there he come home like a diffrent person after about a month. I almost fell over with shock. It was the best thing to happen to my son. good luck. oh and they do have consenquences he wont like if he doesnt' obey the rules. such as a hygiene contract. loss of leaving priveledges. cut off the internet. its like being grounded with a house parent to enforce it.
My aunt had her son in her house for 6 months after he graduated from high school. He watched TV all day and really showed no interest in going to school or getting a job. His friends would pick him and they would go party to the movies etc. . Finally they got tired of always paying for him, because my Aunt never gave him any money and would not allow him to use the car. She told him she would only drive him to interviews.
Everyone else either had a job or was attending school. Finally she told him he either needed to find a job and start paying rent and for all of his food and personal items or he would have to leave in a month.
A few weeks later he asked her if she would drive him to San Antonio in 8 weeks. She told him no. He said "well I have joined the Army and I have to report at that base.". This is a wimpy metrosexual kid who always had to have the latest fashions and drive a certain car and date the prettiest girls and was NOT athletic..
She drove him, but in the beginning he did not follow orders. DO NOT TAKE ANY Personal items to Boot camp. They all loaded up in the bus and immediately all of their personal items were taken away and NEVER returned!
A few weeks later he called his mom and told her about this and also said the food was awful and it was a lot of work! Hee, hee..
It was the best thing that ever happened to him. He grew up, has a son a wife a home, always has a new car.. He has traveled all over the world... It made him grow up and take responsibility.
Maybe your son should consider the military. May help him find a direction. They have great benefits..
If he is over the age of 18, tell him he has 2 weeks and then he is gone. Change the locks, put his stuff on the curb, and tell him that until he does something with his life, he can no longer live with you.
A lot of people ( i haven't read all but..) are saying put him out. I would say that that is the best idea, but put him out with parameters. Give him a date (say 2 or 3 months away) when you will have his stuff moved if he is not out. Remind him of this date. That way with a date, he has time to get stuff together. and Stick to your guns or don't do it at all. What is he learning by you letting him stay there? Probably not how to make it on his own.
is this a wake-up call or what, Moms? !!! This response is directed toward the problems in gaming & how destructive it can be. I truly believe that video games have caused the death of an entire generation.....It can be so all-consuming without the parents ever knowing.
We saw this firsthand with the older kids in our family....these boys (mainly) are now mid-20s. The ones who are productive & self-supportive leave the games to just an occasional session with friends. The ones who are still playing games daily....are deadbeats sponging off of family & government. It is amazing & heartbreaking to see this split & divide. & what fascinates me is that through early school years, most of these boys were pretty involved in school & activities. It was only when the gaming was over-indulged during teen years that the change began.
To that end, we have always limited our sons' gaming sessions. They are allowed to over-indulge when the game is brand-new....but time limits are always set. They both have the tendency to become addicted to the games, to become so engrossed & connected that they have trouble walking away. BUT walk away they do.....or the system is unplugged from the wall whether the game is saved or not! In fact, last summer our younger son had to walk or ride around the block before he was allowed to play.....& then he found that he didn't always want to play when he got back!
My older son did not play much thru his early driving years. He preferred hanging out in town in his car....sitting on the parking lots & visiting with friends- over sitting at home playing games. & honestly & truthfully, this happened because we refused to update his system.....& that helped a lot!
So our lesson learned is to set limits BEFORE the damage is done. Another poster said that gaming is an addiction, & it is.
As for "how" to get your son moving: our older son has battled a degenerative hip disease since age 6. He is now 22. He is waiting for latter 20s to move into a hip replacement. He could do it now, but that would limit his mobility later in life. He has a tendency to NOT want to move....he hurts, he's miserable. BUT we cannot allow this. Between the pain & the depression, there is a tendency to shut down.
.....& that's when his gaming began. The depression, the lack of future plans, & the debilitating pain took hold of him & just sucked the life out of him. Showering once a week, sleeping round the clock.....& gaming during his waking hours......led us to the point that we did an intervention. It was combined with an intervention for his Grandfather's need for a knee replacement. It was friends/family. It was personally-invasive. BUT our son took it better than my Dad did! & In the end, it got both of them moving!
Would an intervention help your son? It's a thought.....& then he'd know how everyone feels, how they're concerned....not just crabbing at him, & then everyone can brainstorm on future plans ....which would hopefully get him motivated. From that intervention, then maybe it will also encourage friends/family to take the time to keep him motivated until he is able to function on his own. I wish you PEACE!!!
I would be sending him to Boot Camp or one of the Homeless Shelters in your area. I am sure there is one. You can't keep looking around for him again your treating him like a child. Have him removed by the Police if need be, if he won't leave on his own, and thats' pretty obvious. Why would he need a job if he knows that your going to support his habits? He's not!! I know tough love is hard but MOM you have to do it, by yourself or with the law. You may not hear from him in a long time but eventually he will thank you. Don't think he isn't street smart, he is!! We are all born with this natural instinct in us. Good luck and get started. I mean with the words, city police. Don't even touch his clothes to pack. Just tell him this is the day, I've had it, I am no longer able to clothe and feed you, so pls. leave my home. He will cry, he'll try anything and everything, DO NOT give in, he will make promises again and of course he will go back to being the same ole'.
I wish you all the best, I know its hard and my heart is with you wherever you are. Feel good about it. Now you can come home, don't have to worry about your home being all upside down, you got things going for you. Look in the mirror every morning and say before leaving "I did it the right way" and "I'm proud of myself".
I really like all the answers you've received thus far especially the post from Cdm2kk. However, just a couple of things I would like to add, if you can't afford the trailer, you should definitely give him a time frame and stick to it. Tell him he has until say August 1st to get his things moved out. When August 1st comes around, you are going to have to be strong and not let him live there. I was curious when reading your messages of two things 1) Does he need help for a gaming addiction (believe it or not it can be just as bad as a narcotic) and 2) Does he need help with minor depression? If the answer to either of these is maybe, I would seek a help from a doctor because either of those issues can interfere with his ability to function on his own. I could be all wrong, he could just be an immature adult and needs a swift kick in the you-know-what. :) Good luck and please keep us posted!
Hi S., Spell it out plain and simple. If you do not do such and such (whatever it is that you require) you will be out of here. Describe what it is that you can offer him to live on his own:okay we did this and we offered plates a pillow and blanket and he was told he has really not choice. But be sure you are ready for this. Sometimes we are not. I was going to do it last year and brought him to the hospital. There he spent a week and was diagnosed bi-polar.This year he has the tools and I told him what we could do for him once he leaves. He straightened up pretty quick.
Good luck. From another S.
Most states will require you to have him evicted. You may have to go to court & have him served with eviction papers. Go to an attorney if you can otherwise go to the court house & find out what needs to be done. Good for you to take action & make him grow up, don't let this go on a minute longer.
I've heard it said that you need to give your kids roots and wings. Sounds like he has roots now he needs some wings. Do not enable him to live this way. Pick a date and tell him that is the day he needs to be OUT. You may also benefit from an Alanon meeting which will teach you about enabling. He may be depressed or he may be addicted. Tell him where he can get help for both. Good luck!
As hard as it would be, I agree. Put his butt out! How else will he learn? Im sure thats much easier said then done, you're his mom. But other wise he's going to continue to take advantage of you, and never become anything. What would he do if someting were to happen to you? It's almost like enabling an addict. After all your efforts he's still not getting it, so he needs some tough love. Sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing!!
How old is your son and how long has he been living in your house under these conditions? Without having much background information, I say do some research as to organizations/government agencies that can help him locate employment and shelter. Hand him the list and wish him well. Let him know that you love him and if chooses to live by your rules, he will be welcomed back into your home.
Get him out of your house now!! My brother is in his late 40's and still living with Mom, dad died when my brother was in his 20's and at the time he had a job, he lost that soon after and tried to do something with his art. We kept telling ourselves that he would eventually get a job and were glad that mom had someone with her. Now mom is in her 70's and working at Walmart because her retirement money is not enough and he still won't get a job. We have explained to her that he's up a creek when she dies, but she won't confront him still. When she passes it will be up to me to kick him out of the house sell everything and give him his share of whatever is left which won't be enough for him to live the rest of his life, so he will be looking for basically his first real job when he's retirement age or not, I don't really care. I had an alcoholic uncle who died homeless in KC having done nothing with his life except be a soldier in WWII. I see my brother in the same boat. If this is not what you want for your son, make him get out now, he needs that tough love don't let anyone help him, he needs to learn to help himself, there will be no one there for him if something happens to you and it is your job as a parent to make him stand on his own two feet.
I agree with others. Kick him out! I have children, and I feel for you, but this is a problem that cannot be addressed at the age of 21 in any other way. Let him mooch off his friends for a while and maybe he'll get the picture. Be prepared for lots of begging on his part, though. If he does come back after you kick him out saying he'll do better, make sure he has a job first, and make him sign a contract that states everything you expect of him while he lives with you. And put a time limit in the contract about how long he can live with you. If he breaks the contract, throw him out again. Good luck!
I'll tell ya, I have a brother whom I fear this very outcome for.
As for your son, its hard to just answer quickly without knowing why or how he got to the point at which he is now.
(Rhetorical) How old is he? Has there been any past trauma or emotional event in his life that would have caused an attitude like his?...such as a divorce or a death of a close friend or relative? Is he religious or was he raised in a religious environment and since then changed his views? What is his 'miserable situation' exactly?
He seems to me, from what you described, the laziness and total lack of direction are probably symptoms of deeper issues that he should see someone about.
Having said all of that - if you carefully examine your memory and his opinion... and neither of you find any type of event or trauma that would have jarred him.... meaning - if he seemingly has had a normal and healthy life, then I would be inclined to request that he leave your home.
No one ever wants to "put someone out" - but he is using you. And there could be a totally reasonable psychological or emotional explanation for why he treats people this way.... or maybe not. If not, he needs to hit bottom and learn that if you want to make it in life, you have to prove it.
I'm a big fan of Apostle Paul's theory of, "...if any would not work, neither should they eat." Commonly referred to (mistakenly) as having been coined by Captain John Smith in the building of Jamestown, when he initiated it into law... If you do not work, you do not eat. Period.
Your son will not let himself starve, and he won't let himself be made to sleep in the rain - he will figure out what to do.
Hang in there!
Have you had him checked for depression/social anxiety?
I haven't read what the other moms have posted so I might just be echoing them! I listen to Dr. Randy Carlson on the radio program Intentional Living (they also have a website). This seems to be a very common issue and he has some pretty encouraging advice for families. You might contact this ministry and see if they have some references that would help.
I know this has to be very frustrating for you. We informally fostered a 16 year old girl for a while that didn't want to work and would try to tear things up, if she could, when she didn't want to be doing a job we were getting her to do. Positive encouragement really seemed to work best but there were a lot of days when it was so hard to be positive when dealing with her attitude!