Grown-up Time in the Evening

Hi, My new husband of 3 weeks and I were having this same discussion last night. My 4 year old (previous marriage) wasn't feeling well last night. I told her that she could sleep in the room with us if she slept in the sleeping bag. My husband and I had agreed to have some "us" time. He left 8 days after we got married and just got back friday (military.) So we are very anxious and in need of personal time. I can't really give you any sound advice because we didn't come up with a good conclusion either. All I can say is you are not the only one who feels that way. I feel guilty because I left my first husband and now my time is already less than normal with Madison not to mention the fact that I work full-time. I feel like I'm pulled in so many different directions. It's nice to know someone else wants to be there for her kids but just needs some "adult time". If you get any good ideas send them my way and good luck

I've got a 3 & 4 yo plus got married just a week ago so we have the similar type problems. my husband is a trucker so the nights he's here the kids want to be around him much as I do. what we're doing & seems to work so far (the whole month or so we've been doing it) is in the evenings after supper then we have a family quiet time, either we watch a movie together, play a game together (just not always by the normal rules with toddlers playing... lol) or sitting around snuggling & talking calmly on the couch. the kids like it cause they feel like they're 'more part of the family' (my son's words) & it lets them spend time with him also but still wind down for bed by 9. that way the evenings are less stressful so I can have energy to relax with him after the kids go to bed.

All I can say is visit this site... It has helped me greatly to develope routines and still leave time for the family and mommy time. She's called the Fly lady and is here to help all of us "SHE's" (Sidetracked Home Executives)that live in CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrom). She is funny and she is free!
http://www.flylady.com/

We start bedtime from birth so even though they may wake up 30 mins later to eat my newborns get a bedtime routine (bath, snack, book, bed) and then are put to bed in their bassinette in a bedroom and are fed, comforted etc in the bedroom in dim or no lights until morning, this helps establish a bedtime routine and bedtime that mine have never even thought they could fight. Our bedtimes have been early from the get go so no need to adjust when they have to get up early when they start school. Depending on teh childs age they haev ranged from 6:30-8:30pm LIGHTS OUT (meaning done with everything).

For example a 6 yr old with a 7 pm lights out (she needs a lot of sleep) gets a bath at 6 pm, a snack after that and by 6:40 at the latest is in bed and we are reading her books. Books end and lights out are at 7. They go to the bathroom when they brush their teeth after snack and take a sippy cup to bed with them so there is ABSOLUTELY no reason to get out of bed. We on occasion lay with them as a treat (we lay with them though until they fall asleep until the age of 2 or 3 when they are able to put themselves to sleep) to just snuggle as it is harder to have snuggle time when they are older but is a very valued quality time if they have siblings.

Once they are old enough to understand we have the rule no out of bed 3 strikes and you get the door closed and we always send them immediately back to bed though they rarely get up as they havent given us much trouble b/c they are used to this routine and are not afraid of bedtime b/c we have always gently parented them to bed. If they start calling excsessively for requests they get the same ultimatum, 3 chances, you may call for 3 needs, after 3 I will not come and I remind them of this so remind them to save thir 3 in case they really need it and usually they wont call, but once after that afraid to use up all 3. But again they rarely call to use from bed b/c they are used to bedtime.

Even with 3 kids I easily have alone time in the evenings, so much so we rarely go out on dates b/c we can do a snack and movie right at home with kids in bed no big deal. But this is b/c my 6 yr old is in bed at 7 and my 1 and 10 yr old have lights out at 8. This gives me computer, reading, craft time, dh gets study and TV time and we can have together time. But their bedtimes arent so late we cant eat together as a family.

However I see you have a tiny infant. I would establish bedtime now but remember that the baby is tiny and still has a lot of needs and you may have to go to her during your me time, this will NOT last forever, cherish the time with her now and just remember this too shall pass, they grow so fast. We still had time together when my babies were tiny but it may have just been sitting close together and watching a low TV in the dark bedroom while I nursed a baby and then shorter together alone time. But that time quickly passed.

I would suggest having a sitter watch the kids occasionally so you and your husband can go out. Maybe having an earlier bedtime on the weekdays would work as well. Then if you start to feel like you are missing out on the kids because of the new bedtime, try letting them stay up a half hour later on the weekends.

J.,
I can't say that I have much to offer except understanding! And I only have one little 6 month old. I work 12 hour shifts, so I don't get home until 8 o clock three nights a week. I rush right in, give her a bath, feed her, and if I get her to bed by 9 or shortly thereafter, I'm doing good! The other nights of the week, it's still the same time going to bed because of her nap schedule. My husband and I have been to dinner twice and to a movie once without her... we have family who could help us, but our lives are so hectic, and I insist on being here for bedtime, that we just don't have time. I work the 2 days he's off, so our only option is after he gets off work on a night that I'm off... but we're both so tired at that point and at least one of us has to get up the next day, so that doesn't really work for us either. I have no idea how you do it with a 3 year old too! If you have or hear of any ideas, post back to share with the rest of us. Until then, good luck and my thoughts are with you!
J.

You are preaching ot the crowd. I have had that issue for 4 years now. I have two girls one is 2 the other will be 4 in december. My husband is Navy so our time is real precious since he deploys and such. I sometimes feel that is not possible to get that balance but I keep on trying. I think it is just the ages they are at. The baby needs us and the older one sees that, so in return the "need" you. It is like they still want to feel like the baby too. They aren't old enough to grasp that the baby can't do for themselves so you have to do for them, but the older one can do and they don't want to. It's a viscious circle (ha ha). But you are SO not alone. My hubby is deployed right now and since he left, the girls do not even want to be bothered by me, but they want me right there just in case. Bedtime is a nightmare for me too! It's like if they go to sleep before I do, I am doing good. Thank God I can lock the house up at night and there's no way they can get out without me knowing because some nights, they are full force and I am dead on my feet. Grasp evey second you have with your man, make them count because until they go to school it is catch as catch can. My friends tell me it gets easier as they get older but I am seriously doubting that right now..ha ha
Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone out there.. email anytime- I am a stay at home mom too!

Please read Healthy Sleep Habits Happy Child. I have a 4 month old who goes down at 6 or 6:30, dreamfeeds at 10 and sleeps until 7am with a 4 am feeding. The time we have at night is so important and I adore my child but will not apologize for enjoying evenings with my husband while my daughter gets much needed sleep.

Try to cook one meal ahead of time, say Sunday night cook dinner for Monday, on Monday while you are having dinner Tuseday's meal can be cooking, this way you do not feel so rushed and you will find that re-heating takes alot less time than cooking full meals, while you are cleaning up the kitchen have your husband give them thier bath, and at 8pm it's bed time, this will take sometime but it is well worth the effort,
I have 3 kids, but thank GOD they are all grown, I found that this was the easy way out, I was able to have some quality time for myself and my husband this way.

For my husband and I we feel that consistancy is a major plus. I have a 6, 4 1/2, and a 2 1/2 year old all girls and we have a bedtime routine. Around 7:45pm they watch T.V. and then at 8 it's time to brush and potty. Next we all go into my bedroom and read a story. Then kisses and hugs and in bed by 8:10. I have always had the routine and by time the youngest was 18 months she was right in routine also. I am sure it is hard with the 3 month old because of the feedings. To me one down is better then none. Try to get the 3 year old on an earlier schedule and then the baby by herself should not be to bad. Hang in there it will all work out #1 consistancy. You need to make your time by yourselves important. Also worship yourself.Good Luck

You aren't kidding!

I have a four year old son, work six days a week and go to college part time...night classes twice a week in three hour blocks. On top of the night time routines and the "fast track" business job I landed a little more than a year ago (I'm 24) I have had to find a way to work in homework and then lastly, the boyfriend who works all the time too.

Honestly, mine did not work out that well. My boyfriend and I have struggled tremendously to keep things together, and by my fourth semester in a row at school last winter, the stress was too much. We are trying to work things out, but it's hard, and I can offer this much; for the sake of having the love of your life stay around, not to mention your own sanity, do whatever you need to in efforts to have time with each other! Maybe it means you both take a half a day off work once a month to spend some time with each other completely alone, in bed for the afternoon, whatever. Maybe your finacial position wouldn't allow it, but you have to ask yourself what is ultimately more important, 4 hours of work or 4 hours of QT with your husband.

Get the kids in a play group maybe. Also YMCA offers Friday nights once or twice a month where you pay $10 per kid and they get pizza, a movie, popcorn and can stay for 4 hours. No membership needed. Of course mine has grandparents and I utilize them as much as I can as well. He LOVES going to grandma's or his uncle's for a night. Hope you find something that works for you!

J. - My advice to you for your situation is for you and your husband to enjoy your evenings with your girls and the circus they are. I know you are wiped out by the time you get them to bed (My sons are almost 4 and 10 months and my husband and I are exhausted by 9:30pm as well) but this too will pass. Your baby won't be a baby very long, and your oldest will get more and more independent every day and before you know it, your girls will be off and running and doing their own things, without you totally involved. So just enjoy your family and your evenings for what they are, because they won't be that way forever, and before you know it, your girls will be leaving home for college.

not sure if you've made much headway with this, but thought i'd give you my advice anyway. first off, getting dinner and completing bedtime with 2 kids (esp with one so young) is TOUGH. i have 2 and it took until the baby was 4 mos old to really establish a workable routine, so know that relief can be soon. the key, for us, is to start everything extremely early. our kids go to bed by 7-7:30, so our sched is as follows: 4:30 i start getting kids' dinner together, kids eat 5-6pm, bath time/change into pjs/brush teeth/(breast/bottle feeding for you?)/etc until 6:30-45. hubby and i share bedtime duty (each gets one kid) and both are in bed by 7:30. hubby and i have dinner together afterwards. i'm fine with ordering out, frozen dinners or something simple like tacos, so the prep doesn't get in the way of our quality time together. i have to admit, too, there are often nites that i am just NOT MOTIVATED to keep on sched. and, that's ok, as long as i get my husband to help complete the evening, and the kids are never put to bed later than 8:30. does that help? like i said, the key is to start everything absurdly early. not like the steps of my sched have to be everyone's, the routine should be somewhat consistent. good luck. hang in there, b/c it DOES get easier.

J. we had that problem also. My husband and I decided that we were going to make the girls get in bed at 8:00 pm and they could watch tv until 8:15 or 8:30. Majority of the time they fall asleep and we turn the tv off. They are use to that routine now and if we are away from home we can tell they are ready for bed at 8:00 because they get fussy. You have to be stern and stay with the same time with minor adjustments. Hubby and you will be much happier

Hi J.,
I completely understand your issue. It is difficult to cater to the needs of all the children (hubby included) and feel like any grown-up time after the lil ones are asleep in bed. My husband and I discusssed this matter several years ago when our first one was born. In order for the children's brains and bodies to develop to their potential, a major component is proper sleep. This, although generally speaking, should be at least 10 hours per night.
We started doing the bathtub thing right after the 5:00 (or a little thereafter)dinner. One of us would clean up the dinner dishes and the other would give the bath. We alternated this so we could both have a special time just with the lil one. We played in the tub for awhile (while rinsing the hair was especially fun. We would pretend we were in a boat floating under a waterfall in a beautiful lake surrounded with lots of awsome plants and curious animals. Ahhh those were the days...
Anyway, I digress again...
We would get her out of the tub and boogie to the beat to get dried off. (We actually played some kid music and danced around drying off as we danced.) Brush our teeth and fix hair and then immediately upon getting pjs on we would dash to the bedroom and dive into a pile of books trying to figure out which one or two to read. After she made that decision, we put the other books back onto her shelf and snuggled into her bed together. We would read the book, talk about the pictures, ask what-if questions about the story. We would kiss her, rub on her a little, snuggle and tell her we love her, give her a drink of water and off to sleep she would go. We did not make a habit of staying with her until she feel asleep. Generally, she would be solidly asleep by 7:30 and was up at 6:00 or 6:30 to get ready to go to "school". This routine worked really well because when she was asleep, we had the kitchen cleaned up and was ready for grown-up time for a decent part of the night and we still got plenty of rest as well.
This worked fabulously until #2 arrived. Then we admended the routine a bit. We fed the baby around 4:30 then she would go to sleep. We then still had dinner around 5 or shortly thereafter, and the "regular" routine would go into effect. Usually, just after the first daughter was soundly asleep (around 7:30) we would have the younger one getting up for her time. We would play, eat dinner, do the bathtub thing, boogie with baby tunes or just singing, read a book and she would drift off to sleep for the night around 8:30 or 9. As she got older her last bedtime was coordinated with her older sisters and now we have them both in bed and asleep generally around 8:00 during school.
Both of our girls are now in elementary school and still on this schedule. We still have time for each other, even after the kitchen and laying out clothes for the next day.
The only exception we make to this is the weekend and then we let them stay up a little longer, especially if grandma is staying over.
This has really worked well for us and both of our girls are really doing well in school.
It is very frustrating though to get on a schedule if they aren't on a consistent one yet. I would just encourage you to post the times you want them where and knowing each child as you do, devise a plan to accomplish it.
I wish you many blessings!
L.
If you need any other suggestions, I'd be glad to help.

I feel your pain. I have a 3 year old and 13 month old and night time can get crazy. We have found a routine that works for us and we try to stick to it. Around 5:00 I start dinner. We eat as a family and then the kids go straight to the bath. My husband and I take turns between who bathes the kids and who cleans the kitchen. We each take a child and get them ready for bed. We head the kids to bed around 8:00 and read one or two stories. Then we kiss them goodnight and let them get themselves to sleep. By dividing the task between both of us, it still gives us energy to spend some quality time together at night.
I also highly recommend "date night". It's worth the money you pay a babysitter to have some time as a couple.

Time with your hubby is very important. I would suggest putting the kids to bed earlier. I have mine in their rooms by 7:30 so we can read. Lights out at 8pm and this is even for my 7 year old. I need my alone time at night, to organize for the next day and most important just to be me or me with my husband.
L. m

Feel you! I remember having to give up my time, and time with spouse to complete mommy tasks! It is a never ending demand on your resources. I wonder how it is that now in 2006 there are not more avenues for mother's and father's when it comes to needing help and needing time alone to gather oneself as an adult. My wish would be that all the women on this website, especially those who live in the same area find a way to come together in the real world and offer each other a hand. As a young mother, many years ago, the best arrangement ever was a group of friends who got together to clean each others houses, prepare meals to freeze for easy reheating, and we would take care of each others children so at least one night a week, EVERY WEEK, we had an evening to ourselves, either to go out with our spouse or just stay at home, light some candles and soak in a hot bath all night. Four friends and their children of varied ages did so much together that it hardly seemed like work when we were doing it as a team. On Saturday mornings we would start at one person's house do all the cleaning together even rearrange the furniture if so desired. With four of us there we were able to watch the kids, chat, and get the work done. Then we would go on to another person's house to do the same, or we would chose one person for each Saturday of the month. On Lisa's Saturday we would all get together, go grocery shopping, go to her house to cook all sorts of dishes to put in her freezer, we would clean her house and help her organize any thing of her choosing. The next Saturday they would all come to my house to have the same sort of gathering. It would continue on like this until everyone of us had beautifully clean, organized homes, freezers full of food, and our kids had a good time together or pitching in to help the "mom's" do their chores. Everything got done 4 times faster and it never seemed like the trudgery of work when I had to do it all on my own, alone but trying to care for the baby. J., if you and some of the other parents on this website that live in your vincinity could manage to become a team to help each other out you would be amazed at how good life can be when you can have it all, the kids, the hubby, the house, and time to actually enjoy it! Just an experience that worked for me some 20 years ago! Hope someone reads this and finds it to be a bright idea that will work wonders for their personal situation.

I am the mother of two boys, 17 mnths old and 3 years old. I can totally relate to where you are coming from. Have you ever tried to move up the kids bedtime? Both my husband and myself work full-time and get home around 5:30 p.m. I too know how harried it can be to fix dinner, feed the children, have a little bit of playtime, give baths, get ready for bed and then be totally wiped out! Have you ever thought about trying to get your children down by 8 or 8:30? We have found that just the extra 30 minutes to an hour of "relax" time is just what we need to be able to unwind ourselves and then have a little bit of time to enjoy each other. We also try to plan a date night at least once a month. We ask my husband's mom and dad to pickup the kids from daycare, feed them, play with them, give them baths and then get them in bed. It was pretty hard the first couple of times because I've never been away from my children during this special time and nighttime routine, but it is actually very refreshing for both of us and our children! Hope this helps!

Being a woman who has already raised her daughters and am now a grandmother of four, I can see a real easy solution here - it's call MUCH earlier bedtime for the children - yeah it might be an adjustment at first to put the children to bed at either 7:30 or 8:00 (at the latest) but they need their sleep and you and your husband need YOU time - trust me, that's the only way you will get that time. Children the age of yours NEED all that sleep in order to grow. Hope it helps.

First of all, congrats on being a mommy! You're doing a good job and your children need you, most of all. It's normal to be drained at the end of the day. I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old, I also babysit my neice (5 months) during the day.

I am drained myself.

It will be quite alright for you to put your children down the minute it gets dark outside (About 8:30pm). They won't know the difference between bedtimes anyways. They probably have you up about 7am or 8am right? Why not put them to bed earlier? I have found that has helped MANY families when I suggest it. Give it a try a couple days in a row and see how it works. They will probably fall asleep quicker too.

I feel ya! We have one who will be 3 next month and is CONSTANTLY saying, "I want..." or needs something. Our other child is 9 months old. We put the 9 month old to bed between 7 and 7:30. The 3 year old is usually in bed by 8:30 at the latest. That still gives my husband and I some time together.

But, we have found that we MUST make it a priority to schedule date nights in advance, book a babysitter, and not feel guilty about it. I heard one speaker say the best thing you can do for your kids is have a happy marriage.

As moms, we tend to put our all into our kids, but it is soooo important to spend QT with our husbands as well. It gives you both a time for refreshment and reconnection.

Amen sister! I wish I had an answer because I need one too.
I've got a 2 year old and we both work. She goes to bed by 9 and I'll admit that we cheat in a few ways:
1. I call Hubby's cell on the way home so we can both get round one of the "how was the day" discussions started.
2. At least once a week we go out to eat somewhere that entertains our daughter (the Chick Fil A cow is our personal favorite) so we can continue talking to each other.
3. While I put dinner together we do allow her 30 minutes of TV so we can hang out together while she is otherwise occupied. When she was a baby it was scheduled swing time or bouncy time or whatever the occupational toy of the week happened to be.
4. TIVO -- as silly as it sounds, we pick one show (which is about all we have time for) and sit down once a week to watch it together. That always leads to discussions, debates, and scheduled snuggle time that is relaxing enough to offset the 45 minutes of sleep we lose (yeah TIVO!).
5. Walk around the neighborhood. We've found that we can talk and keep an eye on our daughter at the same time. (Boy do I miss the stroller days though...) Again, this allows us time to connect and it works to wear her out.

Peace and quiet I can't figure out. Personally, I get up an hour earlier than everyone else so I can have a cup of coffee and take a shower without a cute little nose pressed to the glass door or a husband trying to push me out. Yes it costs sleep but I find it just as relaxing to have the "me" time.

I've also refused to give reading. I try to squeeze 15 to 30 minutes a day out to sit down and read. Some days this may be while I'm blow drying my hair, but it does seem to help.

Good luck!

It is great to have family time, but it is very important that you and your husband get to spend some alone time together. my husband and I have mommy and daddy time after dinner. We dismiss our daughter from the table she she is to go to her room and color or watch a movie or in some way entertain herself and we usually spend about 30min to an hour together talking and catching up. I know that this will be harder with the 3 months old, but if you start the practice she will grow up expecting it. And it would be good to try to get the girls to bed earlier. I would start trying 10 minutes earlier. We used to allow our daughter to have a couple books in bed and she was allowed to sit there and look at the books, for about 10 minutes, but then she had to go to sleep. I would suggest trying to get her down around 8:30, but you will probably need to work up to that with may 10 or 15 minutes earlier every couple nights so that she gets used to it, then you will have more time in the evenings to relax.

I suggest watching Nanny 911 or Super Nanny, she has alot of wonderful ideas that you could use and how to get a schedule going, and a schedule and routine is best for the kids. It will be a challenge the first 2 weeks to set it up, but then live by it and you and your husband will be so much more rested. Alsdo I strongly recommend a date night, and it doesn't have to be exspensive, a walk, out for coffee, go for a picnic. Finding the babysitter is the challenge. Good Luck R.

Dear J.,

I had to respond to your email, because I am in the same situation you are. I cannot find enough time to be with my husband. Just quality time alone is what I miss. We have 2 sons ages 2 & 4. They are never left with a baby sitter and when the boys go to sleep, we also are so tired we end up going to sleep also. I love my children dearly, but we our time also. I think we are going to start exchanging babysitting with my freind/neighbors so we have to go out to get time together. Good luck, A.