Mamas & Papas-
Seems easy enough, but as a first time mamma, help me with some ideas. What do you teach your children re: sharing? DS is 19 months old now, and kids are just starting to notice toys in each others hands and grab at them. I don't know what they teach at daycare, I am going to look into that. In a recent playdate, at our apt, the other child grabbed toys out of DS's hands. DS was upset on some occassions, and found other things to play with on other occassions.
Sometimes I would ask the other boy to give the toy back, and hand him a diferent one. The other child might give it back to DS, might give it back to me, and then I would hand it to DS, or might refuse altogether, in which case I would find another toy for DS.
Other times, I would let the boy take the toy, and tell DS, its ok let's let other boy play with that piano, and you can play with this piano. (Our friends have been good enough to gift us a number of loud musical toys, bless them).
The other mom's approach was to sometimes step in and say, no to her own son, and to instruct him to share, and to take the toy out of his hands and hand it back to my son.
1. what message should I be communicating?
2. how much do I step in?
3. do I need to state the rules and encourage sharing if neither seems upset?
4. how do you teach fair play while being sensitive to each child's needs, wants and upset?
5. any other thoughts on this topic or related topics are welcome too.
About us - We work full time, DS is cared for by his loving grandparents and is in part time day care (3 days a week). We've been going to mommy & me, and to the park, but thus far, the toys haven't been a bone of contention. He isn't a particularly grabby child, and is usually happy to take turns with a thing if playing with me or an adult.
Thanks in advance,
F. B.
My rule was who ever had it first gets to play with it. This rule applies even if the toy was the other child's. My kids could not say "but that is my toy." I still have my kids put away any toys or games (ipods, American Girl Doll, etc) that they do not want to share before we have company over though.
Don't over think it. This is one of those things children just absorb, through modeling. Encourage sharing, always with praise and a smile, "oh thank you so much for sharing that with your friend!" But also don't force it. Sometimes it's okay not to share.
Over time kids naturally want to share, because it connects them to others and makes everyone happy. Kids want to please and be accepted, this isn't something you need to worry over too much, he will just "get" it :)
1. The simple message to communicate is that if a person is holding a toy or playing with that toy, it's 'their's' until they've moved on. For toddlers and preschoolers, I allow the child to use a toy for as long as they are interested (which often isn't very long); when they are obviously done, it's fair game. I do not make them 'take turns' at this age or set a timer, because it keeps the 'waiting' child distracted; instead, I encourage them to find something else to do.
2. Step in as need be. If you see your son pulling a toy out of another child's hand, then it's time to be his guide. ("Charlie is using this now. Let's find something for you/You may use this one".) If you see a toy being taken from your son by another kid, use the same language, keep it simple and brief. The big problem I've discovered at this age is that there may be some parents who want to 'let them work it out'.... as toddlers, this is an unreasonable expectation and the more dominant child will prevail. This isn't good for either kid involved in the situation. NOTE: it also helps to have at least two of the more popular items; in our toddler rooms with 8 kids, we made sure we had 8 hammer benches, 8 shape sorters, anything that is not a set of manipulatives (pop beads, blocks, duplos) we had 8 of. If you don't have identical items, consider putting those special single-player toys away, or ensure you have similar items so both kids can hammer or build or roll things--parallel play is how toddlers identify with other children. I offer replacement toys because the child's still-growing brain often perceives loss as real pain, just as real as if they'd been hurt. Knowing that their brains are still developing helps me to understand the big reactions some kids have when that toy goes away.
3. No-- if neither child is upset, I wouldn't step in. Let them cue you in as to when they need help, otherwise it's hovering and confusing. Letting them 'be fine' if they are fine is important.
4. Great question: empathetic language is key here. After handing the toy back to it's rightful user, if a child is upset, give them some understanding words: "I see you want the ball right now. You are sad/mad that you can't use it right now. You will be happy when you can play with it." and then I do try to redirect, if possible "Let's find something else to roll. Oh, look at this car. It rolls just like a ball." Distraction, distraction.... Bear in mind, too, that some playdates of anything more than an hour may be too much work for little ones, so if there are a lot of tears, it might be time to go home. Don't figure it as cutting your socializing time short, but just that some kids can't manage the complexities of this sort of play for long periods of time, which is why parents should stay close.
My other thoughts: this was the age that I actually opted out of my mom's group playtimes. With larger groups of kids, the parents can become easily distracted, and at this age, the differences in parenting styles begin to emerge. In my group, there are some more relaxed mamas who want to let them work it out or play out of sight at early ages than I'm comfortable with. I decided that the Mom's Nights Out were more important to me than the playgroups. There is a lot of emphasis on 'socializing' kids at earlier ages-- this really should be more about following the child's temperament and curiosity, not imposed on them. My son would freeze up at playgroup and climb me like a monkey and was very anxious with all of the chaos, so I knew this wasn't doing him any favors. He did much better with one-on-one playdates and now at five, does play very well with his friends. When you mention that your son is happy to take turns with adults, it's because *you* are also happy to take turns with him. Kids get better at 'taking turns' when they are around 3-5, and it's better if they have adult support when they need it, too.
It's such a tug of war, isn't it? I find I want my kids to share their toys, but I don't want to make other kids share with them. Do you know what I mean? Our most frequent sharing situations are between our two kids, 6 and 4. We have some basic rules:
1. If you want to keep a toy for yourself, it belongs in your bedroom. If it is out of your room, it is communal property.
2. Possession is king. If you have a toy, it is yours. If you put it down and move on, you can't squawk if your sibling picks it up.
Incidentally, my mother-in-law thinks it's very clever to offer a replacement toy if she's taking one away. We're not fond of that in our house but that's just how we roll.
If another kid took a toy out of my kids hand I would probably tell the child "He was playing with that. Can he have it back and when he is done it will be your turn?" If the kid refused (because I am not going to fight someone elses kid lol) I would just explain to my kid that, that wasn't very nice for the other kid to take his toy, and then distract him with a different toy. I would tell him it wasn't nice because I don't want him to think its ok to take a toy from someone else. At home it is different. My son (almost three) likes to take toys from his sister (4mnts) because he thinks she needs to be shown how to play with them. I tell him "I know you are being helpful but that is Sissy's toy and she can play with it however she wants."
