Grandparents Delema

Practically speaking your daughter and your stepson are not equal in his grandparents eyes. They will grow to love your daughter if you can step back and let it happen in it's own time. They will never love your daughter in the same way they love their grandson. If you want to have a comfortable relationship with your stepson and your inlaws you must let go of the need to insist they are equal and have equal treatment.

Your children are not equal. My granddaughter and grandson are not equal. Each has their own personality and their own history. I l love them both but my love is different for each. I do not treat them in exactly the same way. I urge you to stop trying to make them equal. Treat each differently based on their personality, needs and interests.

My granddaughter has one father. Her brother has another. She spends time with her grandparents and he with his. They are two separate families. You have combined the kids into one family and are the one to manage your immediate family. The grandparents will form their own relationships with the step child.

Sounds like you keep score. They did this and then this and they won't do what I want them to do and so you keep past instances in your mind. I suggest that everyone, especially you, will be happier if you can relax and let the relationships work themselves out.

Geez, you would not let your stepson visit his grandparents that he has known all of his life because your daughter who has recently become part of the family, can't go???? I come from an intact family. Only I stayed with our grandparents a month in the summer. My brothers had other interests. Families are all different. You want your new family to agree to your expectations. You want to manage relationships. If you continue doing that you will miss out on the fun that will come naturally.

Do you treat your in laws EXACTLY how you treat your parents? I doubt it.

So...they're now treating then equally (inviting both) and you're mad because you think they should all reschedule their lives around your daughters sporting event?
Yep.
Someone's being unreasonable.
It's not them this time.

I'm going to be blunt here:

I think you are going about this all wrong. I say this as a child of multiple stepparents and divorces... when I read your post, I thought for sure it couldn't be real.

WHY would you not let your stepson go with his own grandparents?
WHY are you insisting that they both be treated equally?

I feel like there is only some part of this that we are getting from your descriptions. People don't usually leave a vacation early with zero notice, so it sort of makes me wonder what you are choosing to focus on, which is only *their* behavior and not your own.

My grandparents were wonderful at including my step-siblings as 'the kids'. Did we get a little more at Christmas from our grandparents by comparison? Yep, just as my step-sibs had presents from their maternal and paternal grandparents and we were not included in those, either.

While we all shared toys, I don't think any of us would have had a better relationship with each other if we had to share money. and while your stepson did agree to share the $100, which was extremely big of him, if you set things up as a 50/50 split every time, this is an expectation he will come to be resentful of. That resentment may be directed at you for imposing this or toward your daughter, and this is something I would be very, very cautious about. You really don't want any of this to fall back on her.

Long story short: you need to stop controlling everything about that relationship. The extreme you are taking this to is very unhealthy and as I said before, in a blended family situations, this is not a normal expectation. This is really about the ADULTS in the situation needing to protect the kids, period. The children should not be called on to make this better for each other, the adults need to step up.Why hasn't your husband spoken to his own parents? Doesn't he have a say in the matter?

But I just cannot imagine not sending a grandchild to enjoy some special time with his grandparents. Even blood siblings often have special one-on-one time with a grandparent. Think about it. They have known their grandson since his birth, he is a bit older than your girl, and maybe they just wanted some time with him to let him know what while everything in life has changed, he IS important to them. (Notice I did not say 'more important', just 'important'.) Stop being so controlling and let them have their own relationship.

So, yes, since you asked, you are being a bit crazy about this. Maybe some counseling would be helpful for you to figure out how to deescalate this situation, because in the long run, digging your heels in on this is only going to hurt YOUR relationships with your stepson and your in-laws. Marriage is supposed to be a forever deal, so try to get some help now, before things get worse.

Let your stepson go and stop expecting them to immediately embrace your child as their own. They may, eventually, but until then you should not hurt your stepson's relationship with them. It sounds like your kids are a little older, so they may be able to understand the different dynamics. It's great that your mom treats them equally, but for other folks it takes time (or it may never happen). It's nice that they thought of your daughter at Easter. Some grandparents would have the philosophy that she has grandparents "of her own" to buy her things. In my family, my grandparents embraced my stepsister as their own, but her grandparents did not do the same to me and my brother. It was ok to us- we had grandparents already. They were always very nice to us, but were never "grandma and grandpa".

I initially had a long response because I got a little fired up about your post. You will do what you want, but know this-you are not right. Your hurting his relationship with his blood grandparents because you are trying to push your child down their throats. You are creating animosity and hurting your relationship with your in-laws. Kids don't care about who gets more, it's the parents. I would have a huge problem if I was the bio mom to your step son and found out you were depriving my child time with his grandparents because your child has other plans and you want them to include your daughter more. Stop trying to control everyone's life. At least they are trying to be a part of your daughters life in some fashion! They are under no obligation to you or her to do more. Let him go and give them a chance to develop a relationship on their own terms. Otherwise, it will not be heartfelt or genuine. Why would you do this? Just so hurtful.

So let me see if I have this straight, you will not allow his son to have a relationship with his grandparents unless they treat your daughter equally. That seems like a perfect way to destroy a marriage. Damn sure if my spouse went after my kids due to his issues I would think not the man I thought I married.

Seems to me they are returning the favor and punishing your daughter pointing out she isn't their grandchild by making the difference in gifts very obvious.

When I am around my husband's family they treat my kids equal to their bio grandchildren. That is normal, that is fair. I do not expect a phone call inviting my children on trips just because they take their other grandchildren on trips, that would be insane.

I would imagine you spent the trip pushing your daughter down their throats at the expense of their grandson that they have loved since he was born. Any grandparent would do the same, it was rather mature that they just left and didn't tell you off right there. They probably think their son made a big mistake. I know I do. No one should allow their spouse to treat their child as it sounds you are.

I agree their behavior was upsetting, but they may be feeling they are being forced into a relationship with a new step-grandchild whom they don't know as well. This is not a new baby, but a child with an already-formed personality and so on. It's just as unreasonable for you to expect your daughter to embrace them fully, if that occurs. Same thing with your parents getting to know your stepson.

The money differential is a problem. They should be treating the kids equally when sending money or gifts to them. However, the grandparents responded with an invitation for both children to visit, so that's a good sign (assuming they would treat them equally when they got there). Your daughter cannot attend because of a sports schedule, but why in the world shouldn't your stepson go? First of all, it's fine if he has a relationship with his grandparents without your daughter, and it's fine if he goes when she can't. Why should he stay home when it's her schedule that is keeping her away and not the lack of an invitation? Kids and their schedules will always cause conflicts in any family anyway - it's actually worse for these 2 children to begin to resent each other's presence if one can't do something without the other.

I'd give them all some time to get used to this new family dynamic. I think your husband should handle his parents, and you should handle your parents. He should speak to his parents about no longer sending unequal gifts, but let the visit go off as planned. Your husband should explore with his parents why they abruptly left and see what occurred on all sides to make this visit so uncomfortable. Maybe there are some things each of you can do to make it better - but you really have to let the stepfamily dynamic develop over time and not force people to love someone they just met.

hard to say, since we're not privy to the reasons why you were on vacation with your new in-laws a week after your wedding, or what was said in the subsequent communications.
but it does sound as if you're being pretty controlling. families *should* be fair, but families also are composed of individual imperfect beings, and your demands that your daughter be fully accepted and integrated right out of the gate are probably making things far worse. if you'd relax and let the relationships develop organically and on their own schedule, you might not alienate your in-laws and force the tension so much onto your own child.
stop shoving your daughter onto your in-laws. there's no reason your stepson should NOT spend time with his grandparents during the holidays, other than spite. and it may well be that your daughter wouldn't enjoy being with them that much anyway, since you're fostering the resentment with all your rules.
just relax and let the families blend on their own timelines.
khairete
S.

It sounds like more recently they have included your daughter and trying to make an effort. It is not their fault your daughter is busy at that time. And it's not your step son's fault so let him go.

They have a grandson and so far they don't accept your child as their grand child too. That's hard for you, I understand. My mom tried really hard to make all the grand kids, by marriage and by birth be equal. It still didn't work. The step grand kids knew that wasn't their grand parents and they thought my mom was weird and trying to buy them.

Let your child go with her own grandparents when she can and let your spouses child go with theirs when they have the opportunity. It sounds like your in-laws are going to take some time to adjust to this. I'd let the kids both spend time with them when you, as a couple/family, go visit. And do go as often as you can. This way they'll all get to know each other and grown closer.

It is unfair, but that is life.

It would be NICE if they could accept your daughter as a full part of the family, but not all people are so accommodating. Especially since the marriage is pretty recent.

I wouldn't make your step-son share his gifts with her when they show favoritism, and I certainly wouldn't deprive him of the chance to see his grandparents just because your daughter can't go.

I can speak from experience... It hurts when you are not acknowledged or treated differently than the rest of your family... But these things can take time. Even if they don't, then you will need to find a way to explain to your daughter that this isn't HER fault, it is just the way they are.

I would talk to your husband, and ask him to discuss these issues with his parents. He needs to ask that they treat the children fairly... But you need to realize that they have known their grandson for his entire life. OF COURSE they love him more right now! They need time to adjust to having another grandchild, and they need time to get to know and love her. At least they are trying, instead of completely ignoring her, as my step-grandparents did to me. They have a special bond with their grandson, and it really isn't fair to force them to accommodate your daughter just because you married into the family. It would be wonderful if they did come to accept her fully, but that doesn't always happen. As long as they make an effort to be kind to her, and include her in family celebrations, I would count it as a win. Make every effort to help them build a relationship with your daughter by spending a lot of family time with them.

I would also be wary of how it would look to your step-son if suddenly he isn't allowed to go to his grandparents' house just because your daughter can't go... All that will do is cause negative feelings about this new family arrangement. It really isn't fair to HIM.

The forming of families doesn't happen overnight, regardless of legalities... It can take several years. Be patient, and give it time. :)

They don't have a bond with your child. They've bonded with their grandchild from birth and don't see your child as being their granchild too. It's a shame because they are missing out on a great opportunity to fill their lives with more joy.

You can't demand they treat your child as their grandchild. Let them continue whatever relationship they want and focus on more time with your family. Your mum sounds like she's doing it right.

It would be more unfair to deprive your stepson of spending time with his grandparents. Your daughter is busy, your stepson is not, let him go.

Why in god's green earth would you punish your step son and not let him go visit his grandparents just because your daughter is busy? THAT is crazy and a good way to ruin any relationship you might have this your inlaws. Stop it NOW. Also, why would you make the kids pool their vouchers together? THAT is crazy and stop it.

Guess what? Your daughter is not their bio grandchild. They have known here for a couple of years, they have known their grandson all his life. You cannot demand equal treatment immediately. Sorry it doesn't work that way.

That's the way it goes in combined families. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. Frankly, you should have looked into this before the marriage if this was a great concern.

I was previously in a relationship where we (daughter and I) sat on the sidelines. They were nice to us, but there was a definite disconnect. That and various other reasons, we got out. On the other hand, my husband makes sure my oldest daughter is included in everything. He has no control over his parents, however, they are pretty fair to her.

You are not crazy for wanting them to treat her like their own, but it's not crazy for them to treat their bio-grandchild differently. Maybe it will change over time.

My sister with 3 kids is dating a guy with 2 kids. IF they ever get married, I don't think my mom will embrace his two like her own. She will be pleasant around them and send gifts at Christmas, but they're not her grandkids. It's just different and that doesn't make her (or your in-laws) bad people. I think you should let your SS go spend time with his grandparents.

I think you should try to have a communication with them. I do think that while they may have more of a bond and stronger feelings for their biological grandchild they need to try to be fair with gifts and attention. The holiday is a different matter, I wouldn't deny your son that opportunity if your daughter is busy anyway. It may be that if they get to spend time with your son and they see that they're not going to "lose" hime they'll relax a little. Good luck!

I think most people here have gotten it right. Your stepson is their blood grandchild who they have know sense birth. Your daughter they have know what maybe two years at the most.

You should be thrilled that they recognize her at ALL.

My step-mother will tell people the number of grandchildren she has and leave mine and my sisters kids out of the count. Notice they don't even count as her grandchildren because they are not her BLOOD grandchildren. Does she give my kids gifts and acknowledge them when we are together, yes. However not to the extent of her own. Will she babysit her grand kids, yes all the time. She told my sister and I that she would not baby sit our kids unless it was a very serious emergency.

So to answer, yes send your step son...allow your daughter to go if she is included and can fit it in her schedule. And if they get different amounts of money, gifts, clothes, time, etc that is just the nature of the step family beast.

I have heard other families don't act this way but alas ours and yours are not one of them...grow up and try and get over it...I have had to...it is just life and sometimes it sucks for our kids.

But, why did they leave the vacation?? Anyway, they are acting in a shitty way towards your daughter. We have much the same situation in our family with my BIL, and my mother-in-law and the rest of us aunties and uncles treat our non-biologically related grandchildren and nephews in exactly the same way as our biological ones. They all get the same presents, are invited on all the same holidays. It would be abhorrent to us to behave otherwise.

Having said that, if the reason your daughter can't go on vacation (and it seems she has been invited) is her own sports commitments, there is no reason to stop your boy from going along.

I hope your in-laws soon grow some maturity, love and compassion for their new family members.

There are a lot of different issues here.

Regarding the upcoming vacation, you should let your stepson go. They are his biological grandparents and it isn't his fault that his new stepsister has a sports competition. Since they haven't always invited your daughter in the past, be glad that they did now. Graciously acknowledge the invitation and show genuine regret that she can't attend. Let your stepson go.

For the past holidays, honestly, I can kind of see their point of view. They probably don't know your daughter all that well and just might not be ready to take her on a vacation, especially one that you aren't going on, too. You don't say how old they are, or who's older, but three years can be a big difference at certain times. You need to give them a chance to adjust to your new family. While it would certainly be nice if they instantly accepted your daughter as one of their own grandchildren, for some people, that just isn't realistic. It will take time. Work hard to cultivate a relationship and give them opportunities to get to know your daughter.

If they had only invited him, then my answer would be different. Let him go.

It would be unfair to NOT let your SS go because your daughter has other plans. Both were invited so you don't have a gripe there. Seems to me that you are bitter about past events and looking for something to complain about in this instance, but I see nothing wrong here.

Why did they claim the reason for the leaving the family vacation early was all your fault?

I understand why they gave your stepson more money than your daughter, since your stepson is their bio grandchild.

You have two separate issues here.

Re the visit both kids were invited to, but your daughter has a prior commitment. Yes, it is perfectly fine to let your son go. He shouldn't have to miss out on time with his grandparents just because his sister has a game.

Re the general favoritism being shown. It's natural for grandparents to be partial to their own kids' progeny, but it's hurtful to the kids for them to let that partiality show. Have you and your husband tried talking to his parents about it?

I'm in a blended family. My mom treats all our kids equally and my husbands mom doesn't. He has called her out on it and she has improved some but not much. Luckily she is out of state so we don't see her much. Why can't both kids go to the grandparents when both of them are able to? No, I would not just send your son. Especially if there is an issue with favoritism already. I would have told them that you split the gift vouchers so they both had the same amount so no one's feelings were hurt. Maybe they will get the hint for the future. Good luck.

If your daughter can't go because of another engagement then and if your step son is available and wants to go then he should go see his grandparents.

Sometimes grandparents get cloudy judgment and may not realize how they are acting or being towards one or the other. Maybe at some point you should bring it to their attention or have your husband bring it to their attention and try to ask them to be more mindful since they are only children. Someday if it continues your daughter will notice and then may question it. Maybe at that point she might be old enough to ask them herself why.

Well I have three kids with my husband. My kids each spend time usually separtely with my parents...their grandparents. My in laws were older , not really interested in spending time with with their grandkids. But they loved them.
They are making an effort. Maybe you could let your step son go visit. Maybe your daughter could go done by herself another time.