I am a mother to a 14-year-old son, 13-year-old step-daughter (that lives with us, her mother is deceased), 12-year-old daughter, and 16-month-old daughter. This is the second marriage for both my husband and me and I am 37 and he is 46.
Our 13- & 12-year-old daughters got into some trouble recently...separate incidents but one involved us calling the police at night to find her after a serious household MySpace infraction and the other involved a suspension from school for theft. Pretty serious offenses in our opinion and we issued appropriate consequences (no phone for 2 weeks, no computer and no socializing for a month, no MySpace or other social networking sites EVER, and restitution for the theft).
As a result, we have decided not to allow our girls to fly alone to Florida to spend 5 days with my parents as additional consequences for their infractions since we question our daughters' judgement as of late. (The trip was for mid-July, my parents live here in Michigan just 2 miles away and spend 2 weeks in Florida every July.) On top of that, we question their grandparent's supervision of them since they regularly blatantly disregard our guidelines when our children are with them and are "grounded". They have gone so far as to say things like "Well, you broke our rules when you were a kid." As if that is supposed to negate our parenting of our children. WHAT CHILDREN DIDN'T BREAK OR BEND RULES? And, when I was their child, they saw fit to discipline ME when I stepped out of line, right?
Needless to say, this has caused quite a large family rift recently and I am not speaking to my parents. I have invited my mother (the more serious offender) to joint therapy sessions with me to talk this through to no avail. As far as my husband & I are concerned, we are doing the right thing in enforcing consequences and it scares the living daylights out of us to consider allowing our daughters to spend 5 days over 1200 miles away with people who clearly don't share (nor respect) our parenting or values while right here in Michigan 2 miles away.
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation? We know we're doing the right thing by not allowing them to go to Florida, but a little reinforcement would be helpful. Both of our daughters seem to understand the reasons for us not allowing them...it's a 58-year-old woman that is acting like a child here. We don't like not allowing our children contact with their grandparents, but we see no other alternative until and unless our parenting is respected. My parents don't have to like our parenting, but they at the very least need to accept and respect it, right? We are NOT abusive to our children. In fact, our 13-year-old has recently informed us that she thinks she is bi-sexual and we have been very accepting, understanding, and supportive of her confiding this in us. We are actually PROUD that she feels safe enough to have confided this to us and feel it is a direct positive reflection of our parenting values. Some of her friends have recently "come out" to their parents with VERY negative outcomes.
Any comments on this situation with my parents would be appreciated.
Thanks to everyone who replied and showed their support. The girls are still not going to Florida and though it breaks my heart, my husband and I know we are doing the right thing. We're still not speaking to my parents, but I plan on inviting them to another joint therapy session to try to clear the air with an unbiased professional to mediate.
I dont know when the visit was scheduled..
But maybe if the girls are well behaved for the 30 days of punishment. they can go to florida in late july or august.
That way you win,,. the girls get punished.. and the girls get to see grandma.
and grandma gets to see the girls.
It can also be a good carrot ot hold out to the girls so they straighten up for the next 30 days.
Ok here's my opinion. Because of the seriousness of the offenses your daughters were involved in, I think your right to stick to your guns with this punishment and not give in. I understand letting small punishments slide while with the grandparents, but not in this case. Your girls need to learn a lesson and not have that spoiled by being spoiled while with their grandparents. Unfortunately, I do not have any advice as far as how to handle your parents. They somehow just need to realize that you are doing the right thing (in this circumstance anyway). Good luck to you there...and stand your ground. Oh and one more thing (I know this isn't my place so I apologize in advance lol)...I do not like that myspace website. Besides what you have already experienced, there is a lot of bad stuff on there. Kids say whatever they want and it's not always nice things. A lot of sleezyness (That's probably not a word) and drug talk, etc. I did not allow my son to go on myspace and eventually he didn't even care about it. He is now 16 and I don't think he even cares about it too much.
You are doing the right thing! I don't know how your mom can justify her actions on this. How about you ask her how she'd feel if her mother diregarded her parenting in this way?? You need to make clear to her your and your husband's boundaries. Everyone has boundaries and should take time to figure out what they are. You are the adult who is the parent, just because she is your parent, doesn't mean she gets to disregard what you do aas a parent. Let her know, lovingly, how it makes you feel when she disrespects you. You may have to limit the time your kids spend with her when they are under discipline or the situation makes you uncomfortable.
C.: Stay strong! Consistency is critical, and it soundslike your disciplinary actions fit the situation. Communication and discussion with your daughters about the punishment is key as well. You are absolutely right in my opinion that your parents don't have to like your parenting style but they do need to respect it and they need to understand that if they are not going to follow-through with the punishment while the children are in their care/presence, then the children should not be put in their care or oversight during that time. Rules are rules...and the kids need to follow them no matter whose care they are in. For example: The speed limit is the speed limit, and you should not be allowed to speed because your grandparents are in the car because they think it is a silly or too strict a rule. They may not like the speed, but they do need to make sure it is followed while they are in the car. Just so you know, I think many parents face the same situation with their parents: mine think they were too strict on me and my siblings when we were young, so they basically have no rules for my children. If your parents don't understand after you have explained it (without arguing - you simply tell them this is the rule - period!)...if they dont' agree, then stick to your position and don't let them go. Both your daughters and the grandparents should learn from their respective punishments...this should be a life-lesson for both. Good luck and a reminder to make sure you do a lot of things with your daughters while they are 'grounded' and unable to do as they usually wish....it will help both of you and it will help pass the time for them to stay active with things with their parents. Make sure you block the MYSPACE site on your computers. God Bless!
C.,
Good job for holding your ground with grandma and shame on her for not backing you up in your discipline decisions. Has she forgotten why you're disciplining your children? Maybe, she has because you turned out okay even with breaking a few rules?
Grandparents should always back up the parents even if they dont agree. Yes, grandparents like to be the good guys and let the kids get away with things they wouldn't normally let their own kids get away with.
Family disagreements are always difficult. I would suggest that you sit down with your parents with your husband and discuss this situation. Make a list of the issues so you don't forget anything. Make sure your mom understands that you love her and you want this to work out but let her know how this makes you feel. I truly believe she has forgotten how it was raising kids and it wasn't in this day and age for sure.
If your parents agree to the rules then consider letting the girls go to Florida, but only if they have shown they can follow your rules for a period of time. If they slip up even once their opportunity has passed.
Good luck and hang in there. I'm sure you will make the right decisions as you sound like good sound parents who want the best for their children.
C.,
So sorry to read about your struggles - and your guilt! I have two strategies for you to consider that I hope will decrease your guilt.
1. You have not told your parents no. You actually gave them a choice. In essence, you are saying, "you are welcome to spend time with the kids under these groundrule - yes or no." Through their actions and words they have said no, I do not accept these groundrules. See, they have said no, not you! You are just setting appropriate boundaries. The option is always there for them to spend time with the kids if THEY decide to say yes to the complete package.
2. Focus on your intent. Your intent in setting these boundaries is not to take their grandchildren away, you are not doing it to be malicious or spiteful. You are doing it to make sure that your children, who are showing a lack of judgement, are not given the opportunity to make poor choices again. Your number one job is to be a mom to these kids. You are doing your job. If your parents want to support you in your efforts I am sure that you would be more than happy to allow them plenty of time with the kids.
Hope this helps!
K.
This is all coming only from my heart... so please do not be offended as it is not intended to be meanhearted in any way. I am only sharing from my previous hurts and past as I have been there on both sides.
I am not sure what the serious 'myspace' offense was... However, you may have to realistic about this one during this day and age. (I believe there are parental controls or you could request her password to allow her back on.). Talk with her about her activities online to be more secure.
But realistically, once she is an adult, this may backfire on you. I am only sure of one thing... Severely discipling your child will result in a rift with many family members. It sounds to me as if your mother was rather h*** o* you in your childhood, too. I feel you grew up with the idea that you need to also enforce the rules with your children.
It also sounds like there could be a possibility that your parents changed and perhaps mellowed with age. As long as your child is still alive and no harm is done to her; I would see no problem here. You can always continue the 'grounding' when she returns. She may even return for the better depending on what occurs on the trip. She may even open up to her grandparents (depending on the relationship) and feel better and see clearer the things she did wrong when she returns.
Do you not believe in second chances? Or that people can change only for the better?
It took me six years to mend my relationship with my mother that was overly strict with me. I never spoke to her or anyone on my mother's side for that long. I do speak with her now, but there was more to the story and I still refuse to speak to the rest of the family. Would you want that for you and yours? It may happen and it may not. I am only sharing what I know from being in an overly strict environment without any communication with my parents. It makes a HUGE difference when you can openly talk with your mom and dad without consequences. Otherwise, one will want to hide the wrongdoing.
As for now, being a new mother... I am completely opposite of my mother. I try to keep my temper in check and I take a timeout from my son. I also spend all my time with him, unlike my mother. I get down and talk with him on his level. I do not want the same occurrence later in life to happen with my child.
It sounds like you are trying with the counseling, but you may need to be open with your mother and your daughter in a way that could be difficult for you. To do so is to be calm, patient and understanding... this is hard for many when we are upset.
Best to you and your family and I truly hope things work out.
First and foremost, you are definately making the right decision. I don't think your parents have any idea how kids are today. You may have stepped out of line when you were young, however, what your girls did is not what I would consider "out of line". You should be commended, I think the punishment fit the crime. What they did was very serious. Stick to your guns! I would not EVER let my girls visit my parents if they were not on the same page. You are very lucky your daughter will confide in both of you regarding her sexual preferences. Good luck!!!
Stick to your guns!
I commend you for sticking to it. You are the parent, your parents don't have to like how you discipline your children, but if they don't abide by your rules you have to withhold visits with them unless you are there to supervise. I am thankful that my parents abide by my rules for my children. I think because my mom went thru what you are going thru she is more sensitive to the issue.
