Grandparent Issues!

Gone through this for many years with my mom. My kids are 16 and 17 and she still tries to interfere. I have learned not to get too upset and just blow the comments off. They are parents too and only want you to still remember that. They get annoying as hell but love you very much.

I've had to say these exact words to my parents.

"I am the Parent, you are not, I will make decisions for my child, I will care for my child in the way that I see fit, if you don't like it fine, but at least have the respect to keep your mouth shut, I will not be discussing this any further"

I have issues with my parents as well. More my mom than my dad. (She gave my 6 year old diet coke when she was 5 mos. old, through a straw. My other daughter is 5 mos old now and she tried to give her ice cream a few weeks ago. We took a trip and she wanted me to nurse the baby while she continued driving!!!) I explain my reasoning to her and she will kind of blow it off because "I lived through no helmets, no carseats, etc.)

I can talk to her and even get stern with her and it will work for a while. My dad, on the other hand, needs me to write my feelings in letter form. He can read and re-read and give himself time to think. He will then come back and usually apologize. if I just talk to him, he gets defensive and doesn't hear what I'm saying. I don't know if that would help you, but I thought I would try. :)

Good luck! It's frustrating to be treated like a 3 year old, I know.

I had the same problem my dad especially was tough to live with he wouldn't let me put my daughter in daycare or he told my mom what meals to cook for her. He always let her fall and get hurt just like he did me surprisingly she turned out just fine.

But you know I would take it all all the hard comments all the hard headedness to have him here today. He passed away when she was 4 she's now 13 and I wouldn't trade any of his comments for nothing. He spent the last years of his life with her day in day out and as hard as he became somedays I chose to overlook it knowing he would not be here forever.

I know parents can be tough but I never saw my father more happy than to look at her feed her, take her places. He got up every day looking forward to seeing her and often kept her on the weekends when I didn't work because he liked having her there.

So just another way to look at it and remember that even though parents may be tough they raised you and you seem to have turned out great so try to agree with them when they are there. Make believe that they are right and swallow your thoughts and bite your tounge as hard as it is too soon he will be gone and then you like me would give anything for those comments and attitude.

C.

Sounds like my parents and in laws. They are all old and set in thier ways. When I had my first child my inlaws rolled thier eyes because I choose to breast feed. I just blew them all off. My father is really bad with his language but I just tell my son papa talks like that but you don't untill your as old as papa. I stressed here and there but now that my son is 5 and I have my 2nd child 5 months old. I do what I want just like right now my daughter won't eat solids untill after she is 6 mo old my father and father in law are both oh just feed her blah blah blah is all I here and do WHat I want be the MOTHER you are!

What about asking your mom to talk to your dad? Let her know that his comments make you dread their visit. I have never had this issue, thank goodness, but I hope this help. This is what I think that I would do in this situation. I know you said your mom does it too, but your dad is worse. Maybe saying it to your mom about your dad, it will put your moms comments or behavior in check also. Good luck.

I have a similar issue with my mother. She always thinks she knows whats best for my daughter and gets very upset when my husband or I correct her. The only advice I can give to you is don't back down, she is your daughter, and while you may not be a perfect parent (it's just not possible), YOU are still her parent, and you know what is best for your child.

J.,

As a grandparent myself, of a 3 month old grandson who lives here with his mom, I try to say very little unless she asks. I know that different ways doesnt mean she's not an excellent mother. I'm sorry your father can't do the same. That said...

First, I think you need to completely stop explaining your actions or reasons to your father. You have no need to justify yourself to him and that's what you're doing every time you explain the why's. When he makes a comment regarding the hat.. just smile and answer that you like it and keep on walking. If he makes a comment regarding sunscreen respond by saying so I'm paranoid, humor me and smile.

I agree with others here that somewhere inside he is struggling with the fact that you're an adult, that you're a mom, and most importantly that you don't need him the way you once did. It's too bad that it's coming out in such negative ways and I'm sorry that it's hurting you. When you explain you can almost sound pleading.

I'm sure it will be hard to do this, but you can work up to it slowly if it's difficult... You can say hmm, maybe you're right Dad... then keep the hat on keep the sunscreen on keep doing what you know is the right thing. Just acknowledge that he MAY be right (even when you know he's so flat out wrong and irritating that you want to scream and cry). You never know, that little bit just might turn him. His being heard and given that might soften the comments or eliminate them.

I hope you find the answer. I know it's difficult dealing with parents. I'm sure that my daughter finds me difficult :o) as my own mother is still the most exasperating human being on earth as far as I'm concerned. We all learn to suck it up, agree the sky is green and walk away thinking OMG.

If you need anything, we're all here for you.

L.

Ignore your dads comments! Dont give him such control!! Your dads not going to change, the only thing you can change is your reaction. I have dealt with a very simular situation, and when I started to ignore the person and just carried through with what I felt was in the best interest of my children, at first the critisism worsoned, but soon stopped! I guess it just wasnt as fun without my reaction! You dont need to explain your parenting to anyone! Just keep being a mommy, and dont let yourelf be manipulated into the liitle girl role. Good Luck!
L. C

Jayln,
I have had similar issues with the grandparents as well. I think sometimes they think they know best because of the years of experience they had with us. In fact my father said that to me, that he knew because he raised three kids! Thats when I laid down the line, my child, my rules, keep your opinions to yourself. It doesn't happen much now but every now and again a grandparent states their opinion where it is not wanted.Even if you are worried about how he will react you need to let him know it is a problem.
C.

I think we all have this same issue..For some reason our parents don't want to realize that we have grown up.Parents always think they know more.Some instances they do but they have a hard time believing that we can manage with our own kids.My mom is always piping up with her opinions.Telling me how I should be doing things..I tell her that she did it her way with my brother and I and now it is my turn to do it my way with my own kids..But that has not stopped her.You need to just blow it off and move on..Your dad is obviously going to keep doing things that are going to irritate you.So maybe try not to let him.I know easier said then done but it can happen.I let my mom go on and on and the whole time I am thinking about dinner the next day and saying the "yes's" when I am suppose to.By the time she is done I have forgotten what she was griping about to begin with but she thinks I was listening and that ia all she wanted to begin with.Parents like to feel needed and that there input is important.What is funny is that our kids are going to be on here one day writing the same about us :O)

Luckily, I don't have the issues that you have. My parents respect my decisions regarding my children. My suggestion would be to schedule some one on one time to talk with him about it. Maybe express that you don't really need his approval concerning any of your decisions when raising your own child and deal specifically with the issue of his comments. Let him know how the comments make you feel and that they are disrespectful and rude (he may not realize how they make you feel) and that you would appreciate it if he would cease and desist. Don't be baited by his comments nor his reactions. If he tells you that he doesn't like your attitude then just calmly tell him that lately you aren't exactly particularly fond of his either. There are lots and lots of things that you could say to him to get the point across. How you approach it depends as much upon his personality and receptiveness as your own. Maybe something as simple as, "You know Dad, I really don't appreciate you making comments like that to my children. It undermines my authority and belittles our relationship. I would appreciate it if in the future, regardless of your own personal thoughts and opinions, you would keep your comments to yourself or direct your concerns to me rather than to my children." I would also stick to using the plural "children" even though you currently have only once child as it implies that there may be future little ones and helps strengthen your appearance as a mother. Of course, on the flip side, regardless of your stature as a mother, your father will always view you as his daughter.

I hope something in here has been helpful or at least given you some ideas of how you may be able to approach the situation.

Sounds like your Dad is having a difficult time accepting that you are a grown up. Maybe he wants to hang on to his little girl.
He may feel that you cannot handle parenting yet b/c he is treating you like a child, especially arguing with you in front of your daughter. I realize she is very young, but that needs to stop now, in my opinion.
Maybe you are young, I don't know, but being a parent forces us to grow up no matter the age.
Your Dad needs to know that you have matured and make your own decisions.
Talk with him. Ask him to give you a little credit and have confidence in you. Tell him he is insulting your intelligence, hurting your feelings, and disrespecting you.
Good luck. It's never easy to say these things to family.

I hear you! I am a first time mom as well and I have already had to deal with my sister-in-law for similar reasons. She is always commenting on the way I do things with my son. It drives my nuts!
Everyone tells me to just ignore her, but sometimes I just can't. The only advice I can offer you is to continue to let your family know if they say things that bother you. If they get offended, too bad, you are the mom.

I have 3 magical words for you that tend to help in this situation and similar situations:

"The pediatrician says..."

It's simple, and you don't need to explain a darn thing. The pediatrician says I must protect baby's skin. If you get a protest, you can just say, "That's what the pediatrician said." Things have changed a little since we were babies. Every parent in my parents group has had similar situations, and so have I. I would try not to take it personally. Use the pediatrician to your advantage. Good luck!!

Hi J.~
What if, when he said 'I don't like your attitude', you said 'funny, I was thinking the same thing', and then just went on like it was no big deal? Would he get the point? Eventually, he will. You'll just have to make it clear that he had a chance to raise kids, now it's your turn. If it comes down to it, sit him down and say 'look, if you think I am hurting my baby, confront me, otherwise just let me be the mom.'. He may just stop the comments if he gets ignored altogether, also!
~L.

Boy! This sounds so like my parents. You just have to get use to it. I KNOW IT"S HARD!! Hang in there, you are the mother they have raised you, but for some reason they think we are still that child that they have to give orders too. Keep that sunscreen on your child because skin cancer comes for to much sun.I just met this young lady that had skin cancer and it don't look good. One thing you have to do is stand your ground and rememeber things can be done and said in a polite way but keep it firm. When dad gets upset and start yelling just say "dad i think this is best for my baby. I know you want to help out and I appreciate it. I love you and I know I couldn't have done it without you dad." Kindness is always someone elses weakness. GOOD LUCK!! My daughter is now 17 and my parents started from birth and still have not stop and it's both parents.

Just to play advocate (devil or otherwise), could it be that he is proud of the loving, caring Mother that you've become? The comment about the hat sounds like it could be interpretted that way but that is the problem with the internet, no tones to assist in the meaning.

My Dad seems to do some of the same things but when I caught him alone, he was actually doing what I do (and normally would have to endure his comments) and telling my kids that "Mommy said".

Just a thought.
E.

Hi, I'm guessing your dad treated you that way when you were growing up as well, my mom did, it hasn't let up to this day. I heard her, but did what I felt was best for my kids. Know you are being the best mom you know how to be and be happy with that. You will make mistakes, everyone does. Your dad sounds like the type who will never back off, so I wouldn't waste my breath on making comments back, if he is like my mom, which he sounds like he is. On the other side of that, my mother in law was horrible with mean comments and actions as well, she lost out totally, by the time I had my second child, she wasn't a part of our lives, and it hasnt' bothered her or my family. We live less than 10 miles from her, and we only see her twice a year, and if it were up to her and I, that is 2 times to many. At least my moms heart is here, so I overlook alot of what she says, she does say alot to alot of people, but she has enough love in her to make up for it. Now I'm the grandma, and I try not to be like that. Some of the comments here got to me though. I get tired of parents always accusing the granparents for every bad thing going on in the childs life. I work at a dentist office and if the child has cavities, its grandmas fault. Grandparents aren't the main care givers, cookies and lemonade, candy the whole time they visit and yes alot of them give pop in bottles, I will never understand that one. But, if the teeth are getting brushed every night, their teeth won't rot away. I dont' do that by the way. I get accused of spoiling my grandson, that is my job. I had my kids, I was the disaplinarian for them, now its my turn to do the spoiling. I take him to zoos, parks, we play. I don't let him act like a savage, he's actually very well behaved for me. He's a normal 2 year old, throwing temper tantrums, so how thats my fault I'll never understand. I'm just here to love my grandson. And watch my daughter raise him. If she asks me what I think, I tell her, we are open to each others comments. Sometimes she'll say I should do this or that, or not do this or that, if I feel its her place to do whatever, I let her know. It works for us. Good luck to you, hopefully it won't end up like my mother in law relationship, but your family comes first, if he's making things that miserable, you're an adult, its your decision how to handle him:)Sue

Wow! You have a lot of reading to do. I just want you to know that you are clearly not alone in this struggle and it will never go away.... until your parents do....so like the rest of us, you will just go on about your business the way you want to. It's clear to me that you love your parents or you would have told them off already, so don't worry so much. We do have a ton more information about things than our parents did, and believe me, they Don't want it rubbed in their faces. Like some of the others here have said, let it go. Don't acknowledge the ignorant comments because, in the end, you are the one that your child will always look to for the right answer....well, at least until your daughter has one of her own......Just imagine all the things we do today that will be "wrong" in the future :) Isn't technology and information a wonderful thing? Good luck and keep lovin' that baby.
S.

I know its hard to deal with your parents like that. I have had issues with my mother. I think next time he says i dont like your attitude tell him well i dont like yours either and tell him, i am her mother and i know whats best for her and please respect that. it doesnt have to be rude but with enough tone that you mean business. I hope that works and good luck to you.